Opinions please "Mean Girl" related!!

[roliepolieoliefan]

My DD is 4, yes 4! We moved to our neighborhood almost 1 year ago. She became friends with a little girl same age that lives in the same vacinity of our house.

They bickered off and on but nothing big. DH and I became friends with the parents and DS plays with the son of these people also.

We all belong to a pool club and everything was fine in the beginning of the summer. The family across the street is friends with another family, about 20 houses away from us. They belong to the pool also. As I said everything was OK at first , then the little girl who lives close started being mean to DD, the other girl was still nice. But in the course of the summer both are mean,,,,running away from DD, "We don't want to play with you", "We don't want to come to your party"

Its got so bad, DD doesn't even want to go to the pool or over the neighbors house if she knows the other girl will be there. If just DD and the "girl who live close" play together usually all is fine.

A couple weeks ago, I had enough. I know I shouldn't have said anything and didn't directly to the moms. But when one of the girls told me my DD was being mean, I had enough. I know our kids do things we never think they will, but.....since the situation has been getting worse I have been just about stuck to my DD like glue. So I was with her at every minute so I know DD did nothing. Plus after they both said it, they looked at DD and laughed. Keep in mind, they are 4.

I told them that I didn't like how they have been treating DD and they have been very mean to her. The mothers finally took notice and wanted to know what happened. I just said, "girl that lives close" and the other have been saying mean things and running away from DD and its making her feel bad. I did have an attitude and after I said that, left the pool.

Both made their DD's apologize, but it continues. Now DD won't go to the pool at all, and now the mother who lives close has an attitude with me. The son comes over to play and DD sometimes. I've tried to talk to my daughter but she still wants to play with her here at home.

I have had conversations with the mother and she talks but not like before, she's cool toward me. Yea, there are other kids her age, but the moms work and this little girl is just more convenient.

I'm starting to think I shouldn't have said anything at all. I really liked the friendship I had with these people , but to see the sad and hurt look on my DD's face really got to me.

I don't know what any of you guys could tell me, I just wanted somewhere to pour everything out to someone. Thx!

 

[jj1403]

Sorry for all the craziness. I hope everything dies down eventually.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

It is hard to see your little girl going through that. But, keep in mind that they are 4 years old and will probably forget all about it very soon. I would perhaps put some distance between your DD and the other girls for a few weeks. Before you know it, they'll be friends again. As for the other moms, it's up to them to work out their own feelings. You did nothing wrong by trying to intervene for your DD (afterall, she's 4!). The moms will either come around when their kids do, or not. Hope it works out for all of you.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I don't know how this will progress.

Usually children will fight and make up without holding on to any negative feelings, but unfortunately parents have a tendency to hold on to hard feelings for a long time, in regards to their own children.

IMO, when you get 3 children together it is much harder for them to get along then when it is only 2.

Hope this situation works out for you soon.

 

[SILLYANDI]

We have been in your situation since about that age and DD is now 10. About 6 months ago my DD FINALLY decided that she was worthy of real friends and ditched the "Nellie Olsen" brat across the street (I swear it was like watching little house on the prarie somedays the stuff this girl pulled!). I can tell you some heartbreaking stories...
We tried lots of different strategies in the meantime-the best was keeping distance and limiting playdates to short, monitored visits. Everything else we tried backfired miserably (from talking to mom, trying to convince my DD that this girl really wasn't being a true friend to getting the school involved when it became bullying). It was very hard because DD thought this girl could walk on water (and so does her mother, her teachers & every other little girl in her class) so trying to convince DD that she didn't deserve to be called fat & ugly was difficult.
All I can tell you is to continue to remind your daughter that she deserves friends who are nice and treat her nicely. Eventually she will come to the realization that it is much more fun to play with people who treat her with respect.
Funny, now little "Nellie" is calling begging to play and DD is always "too busy" with her other friends. I can't help but smile because I never thought DD would see the light!

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I probably would of been heart broken to watch that as well.

I'm thinking maybe the other moms are taking issue with you talking to their children directly..(sounds like maybe disciplining?) Maybe if you could have a heart to heart with this other mother about it and what you saw without really saying her child is a bully. She might be willing to sit down and talk to her daugther about empathy and what its like to hurt someones feeling.

No one likes to hear their child is being less than nice..especially at 4.. if you put yourself in their shoes you probably would of been bothered if the tables were turn.

There was a lot of drama in my daughters preschool class like that...She would tell me stories about other kids excluding this one and that one. I just hammering into her that is not nice to exclude people and that everyone should be made to feel welcome and not sad..etc...etc. and to go and play with the other little girl that no one was playing with.. I just think at that age they just don't know how things effect one another.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I probably would of been heart broken to watch that as well.

I'm thinking maybe the other moms are taking issue with you talking to their children directly..(sounds like maybe disciplining?)

The mom who lives farther away doesn't have an attitude toward me. I don't see her as often, but everytime I have she has seemed the same as before. The thing with this is, the mom who has the attitude(the one who lives close) told me when we first met, if you have a problem with my kids, I don't have a problem with you setting them straight and I hope its OK if I do the same with yours.

She certainly never has a problem yelling at either one of my children. The thing is also, you would have to be blind to not see what these girls were doing to my DD. I mean its not like it was 1 or 2 times, you're talking 4-5 days a week for about 6 weeks, progressively getting worse.

This mother( lives close) also has a huge self-esteem problem and has told me, she is so glad the mom of the other girl is her friend and she never thought someone like her would want to be her friend. There is nothing special about this other woman. She's a mom, just like me and you.

So I wonder if her daughter being mean to my daughter just plays into all that self-esteem issue. Its just weird, some of the stuff she has told me just makes me....

 

[disneybridetobe]

The mom who lives farther away doesn't have an attitude toward me. I don't see her as often, but everytime I have she has seemed the same as before. The thing with this is, the mom who has the attitude(the one who lives close) told me when we first met, if you have a problem with my kids, I don't have a problem with you setting them straight and I hope its OK if I do the same with yours.

She certainly never has a problem yelling at either one of my children. The thing is also, you would have to be blind to not see what these girls were doing to my DD. I mean its not like it was 1 or 2 times, you're talking 4-5 days a week for about 6 weeks, progressively getting worse.

This mother( lives close) also has a huge self-esteem problem and has told me, she is so glad the mom of the other girl is her friend and she never thought someone like her would want to be her friend. There is nothing special about this other woman. She's a mom, just like me and you.

So I wonder if her daughter being mean to my daughter just plays into all that self-esteem issue. Its just weird, some of the stuff she has told me just makes me....

I think you hit the nail on the head!

 

[Mickeyorbust]

I think you hit the nail on the head!

Exactly! Sounds like she's passed that on to her DD.

 

[Del]

I have 2 girls...I know of these things. When one girl plays with 2 other girls....problems. Always! When it is one on one....beautiful.


We started doing less of the neighbor friends and more friends from preschool/school over. It's worth the driving.

We've taught the girls to tell them....if you're not having fun..."I need to go home now."



Doesn't matter that you've become friends with the parents. The relationship or nonrelationship with the parents comes second. Distance yourselves from this family for a bit. Limit the amount of playtime with the close girl.....the more time together they spend....the more likely "something will happen" ....the less amount of time together....the better the playing will be.

I have been in your shoes many times.

Del

 

[stsomewhere]

We have 9 girls on our block between 1st-4.th grade.
Someday tt to fight.hey all get along great. Other times, they are in groups. My DD(7) will come home and say that no one will play with her or she doesn't like someone else anymore. It lasts about an hour. Then, they are all friends again. I try to stay out of it. They are trying to establish a leader.

They all play in my yard, so when it gets bad I send everyone home.
I will let my DD invite 1 friend in at a time to play in her room. More than that they star

 

[RumpleMom]

Three girls in a group does not work. It doesn't work at age 4 and doesn't work with college roommates. We have survived both situations. DD has always found it easier to play with a group of boys because they are not nasty like girls can be.

Help your daughter find another girl to play with, even if you have to drive all the way across town. Join a play group one day a week and do lunch with these new friends.


Don't beat your head against the wall trying to fix this for the sake of convenience, move on and find nicer kids.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

DD has always found it easier to play with a group of boys because they are not nasty like girls can be.


.

Funny you say this because at pre-school, DD does play mostly with the boys.

DD is shy until she gets to know someone so it is hard for her to make friends, which adds to the problem also. I have said I am going to make an effort to find other playmates for DD, and I am.

Rumplemom you're in Pittsburgh, do you have an 4yo girls?

 

[septbaby]

Take your daughter to the pool and you get in the water and play with her. Attention from Mommy is going to trump anythig else at that age.

Also there have got to be other 4/5yos at the pool, chances are she'll meet someone else. Just don't expect her to make a best bud, just someone to play with at the pool. If more develops so be it. My nephew will meet someone at the pool/water park in an afternoon and you'd think they were best buds. Then when we leave he may never see that kid again, but boy did he have fun for an afternoon. This has happened the last couple of summers at Sandcastle (you mentioned Pittsburgh).

As for her party either do a class or family thing so she won't even have to think about anyone coming or not coming. She has a brother so if you went to a Chuck E. Cheese type of place as a family you should still have so much fun w/o the drama AND you don't have to plan "a party" either. Seems to work both ways.

 

[dreamin_disney]

if i see kids acting mean to dd i just say they all need to be nice to each other. No one gets offended.

Kids at school can be mean. I've taught dd she needs to just walk away and not hang arounf mean kids. If it gets to bad she needs to stand up for herself and tell them something in her meanest voice and mean face too. Actually it has worked all she had to say was "LEAVE ME ALONE!" but the meanest ugliest face does help-lol!

dd is pretty good about staying away from mean kids but because she is quiet they bug her

 

[bunkkinsmom]

Please do not let these "mean girls" ruin your daughter's self esteem! She is beautiful and you should tell her that everyday. If she believes she doesn't deserve this treatment, then she won't stand for it. My DD (6_) went through slightly similar at school this past year. She started Kinder late (waiting on a wait list that never came through) and others in the class had already bonded. Plus, let's be honest, she's bossy. I'm not sure where she gets that from !!

Anywho, when she comes home and kids have been mean to her, I try to reinforce that these other kids aren't nearly as pretty or smart as her.

I'm kidding.

No matter how badly I want to say that, it would be inappropriate.

Just be there for her, and let her know that she is somebody!!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Take your daughter to the pool and you get in the water and play with her. Attention from Mommy is going to trump anythig else at that age.

Also there have got to be other 4/5yos at the pool, chances are she'll meet someone else. Just don't expect her to make a best bud, just someone to play with at the pool. If more develops so be it. My nephew will meet someone at the pool/water park in an afternoon and you'd think they were best buds. Then when we leave he may never see that kid again, but boy did he have fun for an afternoon. This has happened the last couple of summers at Sandcastle (you mentioned Pittsburgh).

As for her party either do a class or family thing so she won't even have to think about anyone coming or not coming. She has a brother so if you went to a Chuck E. Cheese type of place as a family you should still have so much fun w/o the drama AND you don't have to plan "a party" either. Seems to work both ways.

I understand what you're saying about finding another friend. The thing is a couple girls asked my DD to play a few times. My DD's response...." No I'm playing with my friends over there. " UGH!!! No you're not, they are running away from you. I encourage her to find new friends, but DD is very shy also, so that doesn't help matters much either.

I have been playing with DD in the pool and thats what got us past the last couple visits.

I understand what you're saying about the birthday. She is dying to have a kids party though and we must invite the 2 "mean girls" since my DD was invited and went to both of their parties plus we do have to invite other kids from the neighborhood since she also went to their parties and actually get along with them.

I told DD some people might not be able to come since the party is a 1/2 hour drive away and its going to be on a Sunday morning. She is actually OK with that.

What has me up in arms is how kids can be so mean at such a young age, and why can't these mothers nip it in the bud. They have to see whats going on, I brought it to their attention for goodness sake.

I just have to sit here because who would let their kid intentionally hurt a 4yo for no apparent reason?

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Please do not let these "mean girls" ruin your daughter's self esteem! She is beautiful and you should tell her that everyday. If she believes she doesn't deserve this treatment, then she won't stand for it. My DD (6_) went through slightly similar at school this past year. She started Kinder late (waiting on a wait list that never came through) and others in the class had already bonded. Plus, let's be honest, she's bossy. I'm not sure where she gets that from !!

Anywho, when she comes home and kids have been mean to her, I try to reinforce that these other kids aren't nearly as pretty or smart as her.

I'm kidding.

No matter how badly I want to say that, it would be inappropriate.

Just be there for her, and let her know that she is somebody!!

Thx, that was a very sweet post, and to your DD.

 

[bunkkinsmom]

Back at ya, honey! Hang in there! She has a Mommy willing to go the extra mile for her, and that ROCKS!

You are a great Mommy for looking out for her, keep reinforcing her worth, it will pay off!

 

[kymom99]

Let's face it, girls can be mean, and it doesn't stop when they become adults. I remember wanting to be friends with a group of girls who wanted nothing to do with me, but they got mad when I hung out with the boys. I always was a tomboy and to this day I get along better with men. Women are catty and mean. I'm glad I have a son! My dear father used to tell my mom to stay out of my spats with other girls, because "The girls will be friends again the next day, and you moms will still be mad at each other." He was so right!

When I went to my 10 year hs reunion, there was a girl who attended that no one recognized. In hs, she dressed in uniform skirts past her knees, had braces, and long straight hair, when permed "big hair" was the style. Some of the girls made her life h---. At the reunion, she looked very happy, and much more stylish, with a very nice fellow at her side. We found out that her father had been abusive to her and her siblings. He also wouldn't allow her to get her hair cut or wear her uniform 2 inches above the knee, as was allowed. She never went to a dance or social event. Do you believe those girls still made fun of her after all that time? Just proves that mean people don't change.