Opinions - headstone advice...

[tinatark]

My 43 yo BIL passed away last October. . His wife is researching, about to buy their headstone. He was a firefighter,and because of the way laws are written, his heart attack death was considered in the line of duty (just FYI).

She is having laser etchings on the headstone - on the back, a photo of the 3 of them (him, her and their DS 16) with his truck (he had a "big rig", they traveled in that and their 5th wheel). On "his" side of front of the headstone, an etching of him driving the engine, with the fire station behind him.

Now for the advice - what to put on her side - she is a wife and mom. She was previously married, that husband passed away when she was 23 (he had Hodgkin's Lymp, or non Hodgkin's, not sure which) - has been with my BIL since she was around 30 - almost 25 years. Before she met BIL she was a mom to her 2 boys from the first marriage, and after they got married, she was his wife and mom to their son - she homeschools, and being a wife to a firefighter is different than being a wife to a 9-5 guy, he worked a day, was off 2 days (again, just FYI, I guess). She crochets some, but that's not really something to have on your headstone! I was thinking about telling her to somehow use Proverbs 31 - it's really an example of her life. Or maybe something to designate a wife and mother's heart.

Any other ideas? Thank You!

 

[bhencey]

I can't help with advice on a Biblical quote, but I can recommend putting as much information as possible. As a amatuer genealogist, it is so frustrating to finally find a relatives grave and they just list their name. Help future generations by putting as many dates, info, etc. as will fit.

 

[Disney Doll]

How about the words "Beloved wife and mother"??
After all, she is, and both jobs are very important.

 

[mickeyboat]

I like "beloved wife and mother."

Does she have a favorite flower or favorite bird or favorite something else that might be appropriate?

 

[AprilShowers]

I second the idea of her favorite flower. Maybe something she carried in her wedding bouquet?

Did they do anything together? Just the two of them? Is she religious? Maybe a cross or praying hands.

You can also research the meanings of different flowers and leaves. For instance, the oak leaf stands for strength and stability. You could put a flower/leaf that is symbolic to their marriage, or to her personality.

Or you could do something whimsical that means something to her and her kids. For instance if they loved going for walks to get ice cream, put an ice cream cone in the corner. Or if they loved the beach, maybe something that symbolizes that.

Tell her to think about silly things that were meaningful and go with it!

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. She's very young to have already lost two husbands.

 

[daisax]

I know local and family traditions vary, but I've never seen a tombstone for a living person beyond simply a person's name and birthyear, and they're always quite elderly.

Your sister's life could take many more twists and turns -- it seems premature to select her final memorial at this point.

 

[OctMtnWoods]

A heart with flowers maybe?
I agree that I wouldn't put too much on there since things can change.


My DMIL ended up having to have her now ex-DH's name etched off a family stone.

 

[redrosesix]

I know local and family traditions vary, but I've never seen a tombstone for a living person beyond simply a person's name and birthyear, and they're always quite elderly.

Your sister's life could take many more twists and turns -- it seems premature to select her final memorial at this point.

Totally agree with this -- it's just as easy to have all the memorial information etched on at the same time they add the year of death. And, god forbid, should the son die before he marries he may also be added to the stone.

I think the only consideration should be how much room to leave on the stone. My mum was 70 when my dad died and we had nothing etched on -- what if she lives to be 94 like my grandmother? It would be like saying the last quarter of her life didn't count for anything.

 

[KSchwagg86]

Proverbs 31 is a great idea--here are verse 28 and 29 from it--looks fitting...

28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

 

[corndog]

How about a Hidden Mickey?

 

[ZPT1022]

I know local and family traditions vary, but I've never seen a tombstone for a living person beyond simply a person's name and birthyear, and they're always quite elderly.

Your sister's life could take many more twists and turns -- it seems premature to select her final memorial at this point.

I would also add that it may be creepy for her kids to go up to the cemetery and have to look at their mom's info on the stone. Yes, I know everyone will die eventually but having just lost a parent, the last thing you need is a reminder.

My Dad died when I was 11 and while he and my mom picked a stone together (knew he was going to die, cancer) with the last name and room for both of their info, she refused to let them inscribe her name and birthdate before she was dead. Why would she want to look at that either? Tough luck if it's easier for the engraver to do it now.




The last thing I want to say, I know it's not my business, but about the picture of the three of them. Was he not like a Dad to the other kids? The ones she had with the husband who died of cancer? I can only assume based on the ages you listed that the children must have been young when their Dad died. I would assume that the new husband acted as a Dad to those kids too. Will they not feel bad that there is a picture of just the three of them on that headstone, as if they were not a part of the family? Maybe it's just me being overly sensitive but I would consider having just a picture of the couple instead.

 

[NMAmy]

I would also add that it may be creepy for her kids to go up to the cemetery and have to look at their mom's info on the stone. Yes, I know everyone will die eventually but having just lost a parent, the last thing you need is a reminder.

I used to think it was creepy until I talked with my grandfather about it when I was a child. He and my grandmother shared a headstone with my great-grandparents. I asked him, "Doesn't it make you feel weird to see your name on a tombstone?" He told me, "Every time you see that while Nana and I are still alive, I want you to think, 'We loved your mom and auntie so much that we made sure they wouldn't have to make even one decision after we died.'" It took the weirdness out of it for me.

 

[ZPT1022]

I used to think it was creepy until I talked with my grandfather about it when I was a child. He and my grandmother shared a headstone with my great-grandparents. I asked him, "Doesn't it make you feel weird to see your name on a tombstone?" He told me, "Every time you see that while Nana and I are still alive, I want you to think, 'We loved your mom and auntie so much that we made sure they wouldn't have to make even one decision after we died.'" It took the weirdness out of it for me.

That is a sweet way to look at it. I guess my mom was just thinking that with us kids being so young (11,8,5) that it would be hard for us to look at after already having lost one parent. Might have been different with grandparents. Then again, kids often deal with things better than we give them credit for, so who's to say