One year since my mom passed...when does it stop hurting?

Discussion in 'Coping and Compassion' started by Nathaniel.Strawn, Apr 28, 2010.

  1. Nathaniel.Strawn

    Nathaniel.Strawn Earning My Ears

    Apr 24, 2010
    Like the title says, my mom passed away a year ago today and I just wonder when the hurting will stop. I hope writing about it will help since I have trouble talking about it. In January of last year my mom started having back pains that sometimes made her stay home from work because they were so bad, but she thought nothing of it because she was born with slight spina bifida so occasional pains were a normalcy. Fast forward to April, she wakes up one morning and can't feel or move her legs so my dad calls 911 and she gets taken to the hospital, this is when I get a call because I live and work 80 miles away, so I rush down. We find out after some tests that she has a tumor putting pressure on her spinal column, it's a risky procedure but they should be able to fix it and then start radiation after she can walk again. So the operation went pretty well, she is fitted for her back brace and moves to rehab to learn to walk again. All is going well, she making lots of improvements towards walking and getting out of the rehab place to start radation and get rid of this cancer. Well on April 28th she goes for a routine MRI off site, the rehab place didn't have their own, and while on the table says she doesn't feel well. That is when she experienced cardio-pulmonary arrest and they couldn't revive her.

    Now some more background to other situations going on at the time. While she is in the hospital I am laid-off, not totally unexpected, I was a land surveyor and construction is at an almost dead stop. The thing is, my boss knew he was going to lay me off before my mom went into the hospital and waited another 11 days to actually lay me off so I only got to spend a few days with her while she was in the hospital. And then afterword my mom, who like the rest of us was sure she would beat this, wanted me to stay up where I lived and look for jobs. I am still mad at my former boss for that probably irrationally so.

    Before all this happened I had proposed to my wife the November before hand so my mom was extremely excited and helping with the wedding planning, I am an only child so this was particularly exciting for her. Sadly though she would not live to see me married since my wedding was planned for November of that year. If we had known how bad the situation really was we would have moved our wedding up in a heartbeat(forget my other relatives my mom was way more important plus all of my wife's relatives who came live in the same area). On another note my mom had become much closer to my wife then before(you know the typical "she's not good enough for my boy" type thing a lot of parents have when people first start dating), who's mother had started using drugs the previous year and disappeared and who we haven't heard from since, so much so she was like a mother to my wife too. She was always like that, almost a den mother to all my friends. Always with a sympathetic ear and some kind and reassuring words to ever needed them.

    I appreciate y'all listening to this newbie ramble on. Like I said earlier it is much easier to write this all out then talk to people about it.
  2. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

    Aug 31, 1999
    I am fortunate that I have not had to suffer the great loss as you have.

    I think that you are going to be hurting for a long time for various reasons.

    One, your mother's illness and death were tragic and unexpected. Unlike some people who get sick and their families have years to get used to the idea, you thought she was going to survive or, at the very least, live many more years treating her cancer. This did not happen so you didn't get the chance to prepare, say the things you needed to say and spend the amount of time with her that you would have had you known.

    As for your employer, I'm wondering if he wasn't trying to spare you the crushing blow of getting laid off right when your mother was at her worst? Maybe he thought a few more days would make a difference? I don't know, I'm just guessing.

    I am also an only child and, I do believe that only children have a higher dependency and closeness to their parents than those with siblings. You were always the #1 focus of your mom--she didn't have to spread out her attention among other siblings. You were your mom's main focus since there were no sibling distractions in the house. It really creates a bond that people who are not onlies don't understand. I think it just makes it worse when something like this happens.

    I still have my parents and haven't lost anyone close to me in a long time. But when I did, it hurt for a LONG time. Much more than a year. As long as you are not wallowing in grief and unable to live your life normally, I would say that this is very normal at this point. You are always probably going to experience pain when you think about your mom at the end. One day though, those bad memories will fade a bit into the background and the happier times will be more prevalent.
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  4. dogodisney

    dogodisney DIS Veteran

    Mar 20, 2008
    :hug: and :welcome:

    I am sorry for your loss. It soung=ds like your mom did a good job raising you into a loving and caring man. I'm sure she is looking down on you beaming with pride.

    I lost my mom seven years ago and it still hurts at times and I miss her. But I promise you it does get better. The firsts of everything are the hardest.

    How is your dad handling things? I hope he is well.

    Feel free to come here whenever you need to talk. There are many that are willing to listen (read ;)).

    Congratulations on your wedding! May God Bless you and your wife with many HAPPY, HEALTHLY, and LOVING years together.
  5. quasar4legs

    quasar4legs DIS Veteran

    Oct 9, 2008
    So sorry you have lost your precious mum.:hug:
    I still have my mum but lost my dad 16 years ago and just wanted to say that for me things did get better over time. My dad and I were very close and for the first few years I missed him terribly and just wanted our 'old life' back.
    There will always be a little hole in my heart now that my dad is gone but the raw pain has been replaced with fond memories and 'sometimes tears'.

    I guess things must also be difficult for your dad and I hope you can find a way to support each other. As a mum I am sure yours would be so thrilled for you and your fiance. Best wishes to both of you as you prepare for your wedding.

    There is nothing that I can say to make you feel better but please drop in for a chat here any time, there are always people willing to give a cyber hug:grouphug:

  6. kimis

    kimis DIS Veteran

    Nov 9, 2005
    So sorry for your loss! I do know exactly what you are feeling! My mom passed away three and a half years ago but it feels like yesterday. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. She died of small cell lung cancer so I know whe isn't suffering anymore and she is in a better place. This helps some but doesn't take the pain away. I am sure your mom is like my mom and they would not want us being sad all the time. Your mom would probably say get going on the wedding and making your very special memoiries. She will always be in your heart. You will hear a song, or see something like a rainbow and you will smile again as it reminds you of your mom. Take it one day at a time and make some great memories of your own.
  7. ktdaiwik

    ktdaiwik Mouseketeer

    May 15, 2008
    Sending you lots of hugs,I lost my mum just over 5 weeks ago,so am still dealing with it.I know everyone says it gets a little easier overtime so thats what I am holding out for.Not looking forward to Mothers Day but am going to try and fill it with happy memories!It sounds like you have lots of happy memories to create with your fiance.:wizard:
    Hugs kt
  8. rachelanne

    rachelanne Mouseketeer

    May 3, 2006
    what a fine son she brought up.The fact you still are hurting is because you were so loved my friend.The last thing I bet your mum would want for her precious son would be to think of you so sad.YOU know if she were here she would be telling you one day you will be together again and to make a good happy life for yourself,because she's living through you now,you remember there is no race to get over losing your mum,its all in your own time.
    As a mum myself if i thought my lad would write down what you have,I know she will have loved you so much and been so proud of you.
    The way it all happend so sudden, with its ups and downs will take time to settle in you, but you have nothing to reproach yourself for,so be gentle with yourself, and remember all us mums want is to think our kids are happy and loved:hug:
  9. amyy

    amyy <font color=royalblue> I do pat them out on a flou

    Aug 5, 2003
    I am very sorry for your loss. She sounds like a wonderful woman and it must have mean so much to her so know you were engaged.

    In 1991 I came home to find my father had passed away from a heart attack in his favorite chair. I am not sure when it became easier but it did. Kind of like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Here is is 2010 and I am teary eyed as I write this. I went to a grief support group which helped a lot.

    take care
  10. cm8

    cm8 <font color=blue>Half of the time we're rushing ar

    Nov 20, 2009
    :hug:, you will never forget, but the pain will let up. Praying for you and your family. Welcome to the DIS:grouphug:

    EDIT: It will also be harder since Mother's Day is upon us and she is no longer here for you in person. She will always be there for you in spirit, You can still celebrate her, she will never be forgotten.
  11. donaldduck352

    donaldduck352 <font color=red><marquee>Proud Redhead</marquee><b

    Mar 16, 2008
    I lost my mom this past November and I'm having a hard time dealing with it also.Tomorrow being Mothers Day is not helping one bit.

    I feel your pain!:hug:
  12. Tillikumtrainer

    Tillikumtrainer I support Seaworld & Tillikum.

    May 13, 2007
    Your mother is a special person, to loose someone so special its hard to let go. Dealing with the loss of a parent is hard , it could take months to years to finish mourning the death of a parent. My father took 3 years of mourning his mothers death. I believe thought it is hard to talk to people about, maybe you should try to find a support group or a special family member to talk to or write a journal about your feelings. sometimes expressions your feelings or just plain crying helps. just remember your mother is no longer hurting or suffering, and that she is in a better place.
  13. Jodijo

    Jodijo Mouseketeer

    Apr 23, 2006
    My mother, who was my only parent, passed away 5 years ago. It was also unexpected. Although some days are difficult, for the most part it has gotten better. It takes time. I know that is not what you want to hear, but it is true. For now, try to focus on the good things happening in your life (no matter how little they are) and remember that she is still looking down on you celebrating those good moments with you.I hope it helps you. It helps me a lot.
  14. Mackey Mouse

    Mackey Mouse <font color="blue">Me read the Navigator? I don't

    May 21, 2000
    I lost my Dad when I was 17 and got to have my Mom for 20 more years.. I have to say the loss of my Dad hurt but as the years have gone by, I can think of him as a pleasant memory and the love of my Mom's life. My Mom, however, took me longer to get over as I was married and had my children and saw got to see her as Nana as well as when she passed from a stroke that happened during open heart surgery, it took me years to be able to talk about her without crying and now she is in my happy memories as well, but it took years and to this day my children miss her terribly.. Recently, I have lost my husband to Pancreatic Cancer, it has been 8 months and the pain from that loss is horrific and I wonder if I will get to that stage of being able to talk about him without losing it.. It is tough losing someone who has been such an important part of your life.....give yourself time, and lots of it, and do no not listen to anyone who thinks you should be over your grieving... it takes lots of time... hugs to you, your Mama raised you well.
  15. Disney Daddy et al

    Disney Daddy et al Mouseketeer

    Jan 6, 2005
    Time will heal most sorrow. As an only child myself I do know how you feel.
    Lost my Dad at 15. Spent years pushing all of those around me away.
    I can assure you it does stop hurting....eventually. Just take it a day at a time and know that she lives on through you. Most importantly, deal with the grief. If you can not discuss it with family or friends find someone or a support group in your area. Your Mother gave you the gift of life. Do her proud and live well.

    Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
    Don't you know the hardest part is over?
    Let it in, let your clarity define you
    In the end we will only just remember how it feels

    Our lives are made in these small hours
    These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
    Time falls away but these small hours
    These small hours still remain

    Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
    Let it shine until you feel it all around you
    And I don?t mind if it?s me you need to turn to
    We'll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end

    Our lives are made in these small hours
    These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
    Time falls away but these small hours
    These small hours still remain

    All of my regret will wash away somehow
    But I cannot forget the way I feel right now
    In these small hours
    These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
    Yeah, these twists and turns of fate!

    Time falls away, yeah but these small hours
    And these small hours still remain, yeah
    Ooh they still remain
    These little wonders, oh these twists and turns of fate

    Time falls away but these small hours
    These little wonders still remain

    "Keep Moving Forward" W.E.D.:thumbsup2
  16. Rekenna

    Rekenna DIS Veteran

    Feb 9, 2010
    Hi, to answer your question-it does stop hurting on a daily basis-but the pain will always be there. My mother passed away 19 years ago when I was 14, there is not one single day I do not think of her, and miss her.

    My mother's cancer was detected in much the same way as your mother's-I am so, so sorry for your loss.

    You have wonderful times to look forward to-a wedding to a wonderful woman, the excitement of finding a new career, I will keep you in my prayers.

    God bless.
  17. Jerseymomof2

    Jerseymomof2 Mouseketeer

    Apr 21, 2011
    I lost my dad almost 2 1/2 years ago and most days are OK and some are a down right struggle to get through them. I try to remember the happy times and not dwell on all that he is missing out on in my life. Remember her in the good appy times and be there for your dad.
  18. Shelly F - Ohio

    Shelly F - Ohio Disney Extraordinaire

    Feb 22, 2004
    For me it was about 3 years after I lost my Mom before it seemed to get a bit better.

    I lost her in 1993 and I still miss her and at times its hard. But it does get better it will take time
  19. quasar4legs

    quasar4legs DIS Veteran

    Oct 9, 2008
    Just wanted to send a cuddle to all those facing mother's day this weekend without their mum. I hope your happy memories are able to give you some peace.:grouphug:

  20. Rustysmom

    Rustysmom DIS Veteran

    Aug 7, 2004
    I'm so sorry about your mom! :grouphug::grouphug:

    Mine passed away 3 years ago and it still hurts. She died about 2 months from diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. What a shock and she suffered so much. I was so sad that I couldn't do anything, and it took me a long time to get the house ready to sell because I couldn't part with it. I was an only child and felt all alone and I mised her so much.

    When I was cleaning out the house to sell it, I found papers that led me to believe that I was adopted. I went from being sad to a little angry that I was never told. I honestly believe that she knew that and helped me because less than 2 months later, with nothing to go on but a last name I was able to look up in the birth index, I found my birth mom and she almost immediately accepted me back into her family. I found I have a half sister and half brother too. Now I'm not angry, just back to missing her every day, but finding my birth family is helping me heal.

    I know what you mean about her missing your wedding. While I was lucky enough to have her at my wedding, I know she wanted to go to my son's Confirmation. She had really bad arthritis and normally wouldn't go,(but I would show her the video of it) but before she knew she was sick she said you know what, I'm going to it. Sadly she died in March and his Confirmation was in October. Tomorrow is my daughter's First Holy Communion and I think she would have wanted to see that too. I think she will be there somehow watching, just as I think your mom was there with you when you got married.

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