Ok, Tell Me How She Feels So That I Can Understand

[padams]

Three thoughts:

1. You shouldn't be involved.

2. Your son should make appropriate arrangements if he can't spend all weekend with them.

3. Show choir sounds like a group thing. Do you have to be there with dd for every competition and for the whole time? Could she go with another show choir family?

 

[CdnCarrie]

What is their custody/visitation agreement?

If it is their agreement that he is to have the children on the weekends, then it is his responsibility to find childcare if he has to work or makes alternate plans.

If they have no custody/visitation agreement, then they need to get one so that they can make definite plans as to what they are going to do on weekends.

The way I see it, you shouldn't be involved in this at all. They are your son's kids and his responsibility to find childcare if he is unable to pick them up.

This.

 

[luvsJack]

There is no agreement, no custody, no visitation agreement.


He does have them every possible moment he can in a given week (except for those couple of hours). He has driven home on the days he is rained out and spent the day with them.

I am afraid they are trying to "work together" on everything as much as possible and this is where they are beginning to see the need for some arrangements. Normally, they each will say that she has the kids unless he is home from work and then he will have them (their version of an arrangement ). But, that's just not going to work.

He is going to have to have something set in writing. One weekend he didn't see as much of their older child because she wanted to do something special with her. The child needs "mama" time without her little sister, but ds was really disappointed in not seeing her.

And I know, I shouldn't be in the middle of it. I was trying to help her and him by picking them up on Friday when he is not home but just can't do it again for a couple of months.

Just to note: It has nothing to do with what is convenient for him. He is working. He can't take off and doesn't have anyone up there that can keep his kids. He lives in a small apartment building that is housing to a bunch of construction guys--not an environment for two little girls. That's why he stays at my house on the weekends. If he has to work on Saturday, he could be fired for taking the day off even if it is to see his kids.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

They're probably going to need a custody and visitation agreement. I take it they are not divorced yet?

No matter how difficult his job is, the kids are still his responsibility (not the OP's). According to the OP, dad works and lives in another city 6 days a week and spends a couple of hours watching a wrestling show when he does come home. It's obvious which parent the majority of the responsibility is falling upon in that scenario. (OP wanted to know why her soon to be ex daughter in law feels the way she does - likely that's why.) They need something that will set for them in legal stone who has the kids when he DOESN'T come home.

 

[luvsJack]

Three thoughts:

1. You shouldn't be involved.

2. Your son should make appropriate arrangements if he can't spend all weekend with them.

3. Show choir sounds like a group thing. Do you have to be there with dd for every competition and for the whole time? Could she go with another show choir family?

1. I agree. Just caught in the middle because I am the one she is texting.

2. The arrangements were for her to keep the kids until he got home from work. I only got them so it would make things easier.

3. Show choir is a group thing. Is it fair to dd to skip her competition though? I felt like it wasn't. --not meaning to be snarky, just asking.

 

[Jennasis]

Three thoughts:

1. You shouldn't be involved.

2. Your son should make appropriate arrangements if he can't spend all weekend with them.

3. Show choir sounds like a group thing. Do you have to be there with dd for every competition and for the whole time? Could she go with another show choir family?

This. A THOUSAND times this.



And a wrestling show?? Over those few precious hours with his kids??

 

[luvsJack]

They're probably going to need a custody and visitation agreement. I take it they are not divorced yet?

No. I don't think he wants a divorce. I don't question him on any of that.

She has never asked for a divorce and made it seem that this was temporary from what little he has said.

Not meaning to paint ds has the innocent here, he may be the most guilty; I don't really know.

 

[luvmy3]

There is no agreement, no custody, no visitation agreement.


He does have them every possible moment he can in a given week (except for those couple of hours). He has driven home on the days he is rained out and spent the day with them.

I am afraid they are trying to "work together" on everything as much as possible and this is where they are beginning to see the need for some arrangements. Normally, they each will say that she has the kids unless he is home from work and then he will have them (their version of an arrangement ). But, that's just not going to work.

He is going to have to have something set in writing. One weekend he didn't see as much of their older child because she wanted to do something special with her. The child needs "mama" time without her little sister, but ds was really disappointed in not seeing her.

And I know, I shouldn't be in the middle of it. I was trying to help her and him by picking them up on Friday when he is not home but just can't do it again for a couple of months.

Just to note: It has nothing to do with what is convenient for him. He is working. He can't take off and doesn't have anyone up there that can keep his kids. He lives in a small apartment building that is housing to a bunch of construction guys--not an environment for two little girls. That's why he stays at my house on the weekends. If he has to work on Saturday, he could be fired for taking the day off even if it is to see his kids.

You are in the same area as the girls and the DIL? It sounds like your ds and the ex need to find some other arrangements for babysitting while he is at work. It should be him doing most of the leg work, since the weekends are his time, even if there isn't an actual legal custody agreement.
How old are they, and why cant they go to the competitions? Just curious, I don't know what it all entails.

 

[RitaE]

1. I agree. Just caught in the middle because I am the one she is texting.

2. The arrangements were for her to keep the kids until he got home from work. I only got them so it would make things easier.

3. Show choir is a group thing. Is it fair to dd to skip her competition though? I felt like it wasn't. --not meaning to be snarky, just asking.

It really doesn't matter what is fair to your daughter. You sound like you WANT to go to your daughter's show choir even so that is what you should do.

It sounds like you are already providing quite a bit of free Grandma babysitting so there is no need to feel guilty about choosing to go to your child's activity and telling your son you won't be available to babysit during that time.

 

[badblackpug]

There is no agreement, no custody, no visitation agreement.


He does have them every possible moment he can in a given week (except for those couple of hours). He has driven home on the days he is rained out and spent the day with them.

I am afraid they are trying to "work together" on everything as much as possible and this is where they are beginning to see the need for some arrangements. Normally, they each will say that she has the kids unless he is home from work and then he will have them (their version of an arrangement ). But, that's just not going to work.

He is going to have to have something set in writing. One weekend he didn't see as much of their older child because she wanted to do something special with her. The child needs "mama" time without her little sister, but ds was really disappointed in not seeing her.

And I know, I shouldn't be in the middle of it. I was trying to help her and him by picking them up on Friday when he is not home but just can't do it again for a couple of months.

Just to note: It has nothing to do with what is convenient for him. He is working. He can't take off and doesn't have anyone up there that can keep his kids. He lives in a small apartment building that is housing to a bunch of construction guys--not an environment for two little girls. That's why he stays at my house on the weekends. If he has to work on Saturday, he could be fired for taking the day off even if it is to see his kids.

They aren't your kids, they aren't your responsibility. It is your son's responsibility to find appropriate housing and appropriate child care.

If they went to court that is exactly what he'd be told. You need to step back out of the situation and tell your son he needs to handle this situation. He and his ex wife need to come to an agreement about what they are going to do. If she asks you to babysit you simply tell her, "You need to work it out with Billy."

Just like it isn't your responsibility to care for your son's children, it isn't her parents responsibility to care for them, either.

 

[sam_gordon]

There is no agreement, no custody, no visitation agreement.


He does have them every possible moment he can in a given week (except for those couple of hours). He has driven home on the days he is rained out and spent the day with them.

I am afraid they are trying to "work together" on everything as much as possible and this is where they are beginning to see the need for some arrangements. Normally, they each will say that she has the kids unless he is home from work and then he will have them (their version of an arrangement ). But, that's just not going to work.

He is going to have to have something set in writing. One weekend he didn't see as much of their older child because she wanted to do something special with her. The child needs "mama" time without her little sister, but ds was really disappointed in not seeing her.

And I know, I shouldn't be in the middle of it. I was trying to help her and him by picking them up on Friday when he is not home but just can't do it again for a couple of months.

Just to note: It has nothing to do with what is convenient for him. He is working. He can't take off and doesn't have anyone up there that can keep his kids. He lives in a small apartment building that is housing to a bunch of construction guys--not an environment for two little girls. That's why he stays at my house on the weekends. If he has to work on Saturday, he could be fired for taking the day off even if it is to see his kids.

Sorry luvsJack, it has EVERYTHING to do with that's convenient for him. "I'll keep the kids... unless I'm working... or going to wrestling... or my mom's not available."

IMO, he needs to start asking his coworkers about child care on Saturdays in case you're not available. Maybe the girls can stay with one of his coworkers spouses?

Also, I know nothing about the law, but if they're going to get a formal agreement, I can see his ex saying "he never keeps the kids anyway, he's always working and his mother needs to watch them. I should get sole custody."

 

[WowLookAtThat]

What is their custody/visitation agreement?

If it is their agreement that he is to have the children on the weekends, then it is his responsibility to find childcare if he has to work or makes alternate plans.

If they have no custody/visitation agreement, then they need to get one so that they can make definite plans as to what they are going to do on weekends.

The way I see it, you shouldn't be involved in this at all. They are your son's kids and his responsibility to find childcare if he is unable to pick them up.

Ugh, stop making such logical statements that make perfect sense!

 

[luvsJack]

This. A THOUSAND times this.



And a wrestling show?? Over those few precious hours with his kids??

Well, it makes money so there is that. And I can't really fault him too much on it. I mean, its the one and only thing he does that isn't work or kids. I think most of us spend more than 2 hours a week away from our kids. And he isn't watching it, he is a wrestler.

 

[HelenePA]

He is going to have to have something set in writing. One weekend he didn't see as much of their older child because she wanted to do something special with her. The child needs "mama" time without her little sister, but ds was really disappointed in not seeing her.


.

Guess he wasn't disappointed enough to miss the wrestling show... I would be seriously peed-off if I was your DIL. He needs to find an apt where its suitable for the kids to be there on the weekends or weekdays if need be or a different job where he CAN take care of his kids and not just with money..

 

[MakiraMarlena]

If they're not divorced, may not even get divorced and there isn't any agreement, what's stopping Mom from getting a babysitter if she wants to go to a concert? You're not obligated to be the babysitter. This was presented as if he is supposed to figure out where they go on weekends. On the other hand, it's not really fair to her to be the sole parent at least 6 days a week.

 

[HelenePA]

If they're not divorced, may not even get divorced and there isn't any agreement, what's stopping Mom from getting a babysitter if she wants to go to a concert? You're not obligated to be the babysitter. This was presented as if he is supposed to figure out where they go on weekends.

and what is stopping the dad from doing the same if he can't take care of them when she needs a break?

 

[sam_gordon]

Well, it makes money so there is that. And I can't really fault him too much on it. I mean, its the one and only thing he does that isn't work or kids. I think most of us spend more than 2 hours a week away from our kids. And he isn't watching it, he is a wrestler.

I think the point is *HE* should be responsible for finding someone to watch the kids when he can't. He shouldn't tell their mom "I might be able to take them or I might not, I'll let you know", he shouldn't assume YOU can watch them. In the former, he's not being fair to their mom, she can't make plans for herself not knowing, and in the latter, he's not being fair to you.

 

[msjprincess]

If they're not divorced, may not even get divorced and there isn't any agreement, what's stopping Mom from getting a babysitter if she wants to go to a concert? You're not obligated to be the babysitter. This was presented as if he is supposed to figure out where they go on weekends. On the other hand, it's not really fair to her to be the sole parent at least 6 days a week.

What's stopping Dad from getting a babysitter? Why is it automatically the mother's responsibility?

 

[MakiraMarlena]

Well, she's mad at the OP for saying she can't be the babysitter because she has to take her own daughter somewhere.

So the parents of the grandchildren now have to make arrangements. I don't know why the son won't or why it's being assumed he won't or can't. They don't have a legal agreement so he can't be forced to. His mother isn't obligated to take the kids and there's no reason she should be. If he and his wife can't work this out, they won't be able to work out much. Quite a lot of this is due to the fact that he chose to work TWO jobs where he can't spend much time with his kids. He has to take responsibility for that.

 

[BillSears]

Well, it makes money so there is that. And I can't really fault him too much on it. I mean, its the one and only thing he does that isn't work or kids. I think most of us spend more than 2 hours a week away from our kids. And he isn't watching it, he is a wrestler.

Actually he has every night after work that is not working or with the kids. So I don't think that he only gets 2 hours a week that is not working or with the kids.