Non-custodial parent phone calls to children

[boomhauer]

I know I'll get flamed for asking a simple question, but for those that may have more experience with this, maybe you can answer for me.

My parents were divorced and my dad called me on average, maybe every other night, or every 3 days.

My steps-son's (6) dad just started calling him for the first time about a month ago. At first, it was every other night. Now, he's started calling every night. Honestly, it's become a bit of a nuisance at this point. We're out to dinner - He calls. We're out shopping - He calls. We're at a movie - He calls. If my wife doesn't answer her phone, he sends her an email asking where we our. We feel like we've become prisoners to her phone.

Is this standard practice we should just get used to, or is every night a bit excessive?

 

[ScorpioJeni]

No flames here. I deal with the same issue but I look at it this way, at least he's trying to be involved in his childs life. Yes is it annoying to get those calls all the time but its much better for the child.

 

[Beth76]

Not flaming you but why should it matter how often his father calls him. At least he's calling. If you're busy, don't answer the phone. Or answer the phone and tell him you're busy and you'll call back. He can ask you and your wife all the questions he wants. You don't have to answer them.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

Are you serious?? Is it a nuisance for your stepson or for you??

 

[RitaZ.]

I guess sometimes a person just can't win... If you call once a month, you're a lousy parent. If you call too frequently, you are a nuisance. Why would you be a prisoner to the phone? He isn't calling to speak to you, he is calling to talk to his son. What's wrong with that?

I honestly don't get your complaint.

 

[boomhauer]

No flames here. I deal with the same issue but I look at it this way, at least he's trying to be involved in his childs life. Yes is it annoying to get those calls all the time but its much better for the child.

I agree 100%.

 

[Christine]

I do think it is a bit excessive; however, probably best not to get into an argument over it.

I think the best way to handle it is to just not answer the phone when you are doing something like shopping, going to the movies, etc. If the dad gets pissed, explain that you were somewhere where it would have been rude to accept a cell phone call.

 

[TEENEE]

I know I would get annoyed to if I felt like I had to answer to my ex. Maybe you could have a set time for the phone call. If you know you're not going to be home then you could tell him ahead of time. I would bet that this daily phone call routine will fade rather quickly. If you do suggest a time for the call be very careful how you word it. You might say something like we don't want ds to miss your call, how 'bout we set a time. If you let your wife's ex know that he is getting you he may feed off of it and make things even harder for you.

 

[Sandy V.]

I think the "nuisance" of the calls is a small price to pay for maintaining a good relationship between a father and his son.

And it may help the relationship between ex-spouses regarding their child (I acknowledge this isn't guaranteed).

There's no reason your wife has to explain where you were if you weren't home. "Out" will suffice.

 

[Crankyshank]

For some reason he feels he is missing out on his son's life and wants to be a part of it. I would pretty much embrace it because a lot of people write their kids off in a divorce situation.
If it's an inconvenience, I would offer sympathy and in the spirit of cooperation set a phone call schedule that would work for everyone - maybe after school and before bed.

 

[boomhauer]

I guess sometimes a person just can't win... If you call once a month, you're a lousy parent. If you call too frequently, you are a nuisance. Why would you be a prisoner to the phone? He isn't calling to speak to you, he is calling to talk to his son. What's wrong with that?

I honestly don't get your complaint.

Because we got rid of our landline and he calls my wife's cellphone. If we're out at dinner or at a movie, we don't want to have to answer the phone. He gets peeved if we don't answer.

 

[Mkrop]

Either dont answer the calls when he calls if say you are in the middle of dinner or a movie, but then have your stepson call asap after the events. I mean dont pull the kid off the baseball filed to take a call from dad but yes they should talk at some point. Or establish a specific time each day when both can talk to one another. Maybe right before bed to say good night. I do think it is important if the guy wants to talk to his son that he is able to do so.

 

[boomhauer]

I know I would get annoyed to if I felt like I had to answer to my ex. Maybe you could have a set time for the phone call. If you know you're not going to be home then you could tell him ahead of time. I would bet that this daily phone call routine will fade rather quickly. If you do suggest a time for the call be very careful how you word it. You might say something like we don't want ds to miss your call, how 'bout we set a time. If you let your wife's ex know that he is getting you he may feed off of it and make things even harder for you.

That's a great idea.

Actually, I've been thinking just having his son call him before bedtime. Nice and easy. We're at home. He can talk to him every night if he wants. Seems like the best solution.

I don't wanna cause problems and I think it's great that he calls his son. He didn't for years, and always thought that was wrong. I just don't wanna be questioned every time we don't answer spot on. People go out, do things, etc.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

If he wants to talk on a daily basis, I think that it quite acceptable. I'm not divorced, but I certainly can't imagine not being able to talk to my kids everyday.

Maybe you could arrange a set time for the call, like at 6pm. Maybe if you are leaving to go out to dinner, you could ask your stepson to call his Father first before you leave, so your dinner won't be interrupted.

And if he sends an email -- so what? That is hardly "holding you prisoner."

 

[MushyMushy]

Because we got rid of our landline and he calls my wife's cellphone. If we're out at dinner or at a movie, we don't want to have to answer the phone. He gets peeved if we don't answer.

I can see why that would be irritating, but I think that's the price you pay when you give up your landline.

Anyway, if I were you I'd encourage the calls, but continue to vent to your wife.

 

[Cindy's Mom]

There will probably be some flames on this one, my DD6.5's best girlfriend just got a cell phone for her birthday.....I was joking with the mother and said "are you nuts?, now I have to get DD one too".

She said she got if for her DD because this way DD's dad can call her on that phone and she won't have to deal with him. The father can leave a message and DD will return the call when she is available.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I guess sometimes a person just can't win... If you call once a month, you're a lousy parent. If you call too frequently, you are a nuisance. Why would you be a prisoner to the phone? He isn't calling to speak to you, he is calling to talk to his son. What's wrong with that?

I honestly don't get your complaint.

I agree with this. And does your wife have your stepson return his calls? This was always an issue with DH, still continues to this day. He calls to talk to the kids and no one bothers to return his calls. DS is getting better about it, thankfully. BUT DD, forget it.

 

[ScorpioJeni]

That's a great idea.

Actually, I've been thinking just having his son call him before bedtime. Nice and easy. We're at home. He can talk to him every night of he wants. Seems like the best solution.

That's what I do now and it seems to work a lot better than my ex calling me whenever he wants to. Now the kids can tell him good night or whatever and its not interupting any plans we may have.

 

[Christine]

Because we got rid of our landline and he calls my wife's cellphone. If we're out at dinner or at a movie, we don't want to have to answer the phone. He gets peeved if we don't answer.

This part is his problem. As long as you are returning his call within a reasonable timeframe, he has not right to be peeved. I could see if he called and called and you didn't call back for a few days. If you are out to dinner, or at a movie, and his number shows up on Caller ID, ignore it and return the call as soon as appropriate.

 

[java]

Boomhauer I fear that you are slightly in over your head at this point. It seems like your ex is really getting on your nerves lately. Why would you want to limit contact with your step son and his dad? That won't help your relationship with him. As hard as it is I really think you have to get out of the middle of this. The relationship your wife has with her ex will always be there. She had a child with him. So until that child is 18 he will be in your life. Let HER deal with him. And by him I mean her ex.
Does your stepson like the phone calls? It can only make him feel loved I would think. Is that bad?

As I am NOT a step I am sure it is a lot easier for me to say it than have to do it. And I am a child of divorced parents. If my Mom's husband had tried to limit my contact or even spoke about him in a way that is not flattering- I would have checked him off my list. Don't do that to your step son. I am sure now that you see how great it is to be a Dad you can understand how your wife's ex must feel not being there all the time.
Good luck you have a long road of this ahead.