New update on our little Paul

[GEM]

I'm just checking in to let you know that little Paul is still doing well. He was one month old yesterday and he now weighs 2 pounds and 8 ounces (a whole pound more than at birth) and is off the ventilator (hopefully for good). He still has tubes in his nose to give him a little oxygen. He has had an eye exam and several brain scans, and everything seems just fine. He is getting my milk every two hours and is growing fast. His doctor thinks that he will probably be moved out of the critical care nursery by then end of the week. I know he will be happy to be in the other nursery with the "big boys"! We are hoping that we might be able to take him home around the end of the June, which would be two weeks before his due date. Of course, we won't know for sure for a while.

The best news is that we are finally getting to hold him regularly! We have gotten to hold him every night for the past week, since he has been off the ventilator. I can't even tell you how hard it was looking at him every day and not being able to hold him. I'm only now really starting to feel like his mommy. Before it seemed like all the doctors and nurses were doing so much for him, and I really couldn't do anything for him at all. Holding him and seeing that my milk is helping him grow has helped a lot.

Nathan and I are holding up pretty well. I haven't spent a night at home in a month, and that is starting to wear me down a bit - even though we do have a nice place to stay. Nathan is doing lots of driving back and forth (about an hour and forty-five minutes each way) and I know that is starting to wear him out as well. He has been trying to work four days a week and spend three days each week here with me. We are stick to death of fast food, but I guess that's not such a big complaint.

My main problem right now is letting go of the guilt. Every time I see his tiny little body with all those tubes and wires, I feel so responsible for what he is going through. I can't help feeling like I let him down, like I wasn't able to take care of him when he needed me. I know that developing pre-eclampsia wasn't my fault, but I can't help feeling so guilty. I even wonder how I can be a good mom when I couldn't even take care of him before he was born. I guess it's just something I have to deal with.

Thanks again for all the e-mails and PMs. They really mean a lot to us!

Ginny

 

[Pam]

Ginny,
That's wonderful news about Paul!! What a little Survivor he is!!

BUT - Young Lady - I am going to act as YOUR mom and tell you to get your butt home for a couple of days and just sleep. You can not afford to let yourself run down - Paul will need a bright-eyed and bushy tailed Mom, full of pep and energy when he comes home! PLEASE - slow down, and get strong and rested. Both you and your DH!

And - keep us updated - I love hearing all about your new family!

 

[scarlett873]

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} for you sweetie...hang in there...i bet you'll be a wonderful mommy!

it's great that little Paul is doing so well...i'm sure you're anxious to take him home...

 

[MickeysMommy]

Ginny - such wonderful news. You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. God Bless!

 

[CathyCanada]

Yeah, what Pam said!! The only thing you need to feel responsible for is creating that beautiful little life and now to nurture and care for him as he grows and flourishes.

So glad to hear the update and wishing the 3 of you all the best!!
CC

 

[minniecarousel]

Hang in there Ginny! Thanks for the update - it sounds like things are progressing nicely for Paul.

 

[DonnaS]

It sounds like he is doing wonderfully. You are being a fantastic mom, but like they said, you need to get some rest for when he comes home.

 

[tkyes]

I'm so glad to hear that Paul is doing well.

I agree with Pam too!! He is in good hands with the Drs. I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave him for the night, but you really do need to get some rest. Paul needs a healthy Mommy to take care of him when he comes home.

Please don't feel guilty...there is nothing you could have done differently. Paul is here a little early and you did nothing wrong to cause that. {{{hugs}}}


Tamie

 

[figmentvi]

Yah....what CC and Pam said !!! (and I'm probably the only one old enough to be your Mom)

So happy to hear that Paul is doing so well. We continue to keep you and your family in our prayers.

Linda

 

[nativetxn]

It is such happy news that baby Paul is off the ventilator. It is especially happy news that you can hold him now.

My son was 3 days old before I was allowed to hold him and I will never forget that overwhelming and indescribable feeling that came over me when I held him in my arms the first time.

It was just <b>magical</b>, I'm in tears now just remembering.

{{{HUGS}}} sweetie. It's hard not to feel guilty but you know you did nothing wrong. Sometimes life throws us curves like this, fate can be fickle.

I hope that if you are feeling guilty about Paul's premature birth, that you are also feeling joy and pride for giving him life. Look what you did---you gave us baby Paul. What a wonderful thing to do. You have a beautiful baby who could not ever be loved more than he is loved this very minute. <i>You</i> did that, sweetie. You gave Paul life--the most significant thing you have ever done in your life, so far.

Okay, now. Stop focusing on the things which you cannot change and focus on that little miracle you have, named Paul. Look forward--not back. You have a baby now. Your attitude and emotions effect this little boy's emotions. Life has been pretty scary for him so far, so you need to be as positive as possible when you are holding him. Guilt has no place around that sweet baby. I know it's hard but you are going to have to stop punishing yourself about this, you can try, though, right? You are a good mommy, I know you will try

More {{{HUGS}}}. Keep us posted about Paul's progress and never forget that we are always here if you need to talk and we care.

Katholyn

 

[SnowAngel]

I glad to hear baby Paul is doing so well and getting big. I know you can't wait until he is bigger enough to come home.

It's hard being a parent. We always blame ourselves for things that happen to our children even if it's not our fault. Funny, I was thinking of my girls and thinking of what I could have done better for them. My oldest is developmentally delayed a bit and I keep thinking of things which could have caused it. It's not your fault and you will make a wonderful parent. Just seeing how much you worry says that

 

[Cthia]

I am so glad to hear your son is doing so much better. I will continue to pray for him and your family.

Like everyone else has said you need to take care of yourself also. When Paul comes home he is going to need you more then ever and if you are tired it will be harder for you. Take this time to get some rest. Don't feel guilty that you aren't there everyday, the nurses will understand. They will want you to be healthy when it is time to take your son home.

 

[cgcw]

Glad to hear the positive update.

Pre-eclampsia is not something that you caused. I went through the doubt and guilt when I had it with my first son. I did everything the doctor said to do -- bedrest, diet restrictions, standing on my head (just kidding). It's just something that your body causes. Please don't beat yourself up over it.

Paul is thriving and that's good news. Keep us updated and I'll say an extra prayer for him.

 

[m&m's mom]

I know what you mean about the guilt.
I went into premature labor totally unexpectantly at 20 weeks. I went to the Dr. and he went over this long discussion about viability and how far I was away and even though his office was on the same floor as Labor & Delivery- he SENT ME HOME!! First pregnancy and I was clueless.
Well after a couple of days I knew something was not right and went to the emergency room. By the I was 21 weeks and dialated to a 6 and 75% effected. I was admitted and spent the next 3 1/2 weeks not being able to basically move and pretty close to upside down to keep my DD in. I was absolutely terrified. I had never had another persons life or death be so much in my hands. I somehow ignored my Dr. that said I would never make it to 24 weeks (1st chance of viability) and even if I did the baby would either not make it or being completely screwed up.
I made it to 24 weeks and when my DD was born they took her to NICU and I sat there wondering when someone was going to tell me she died.
After an hour or so they took me to a room that was very bad. It was a semi-private room and the other lady had a huge, loud family and her baby was in the room w/ her. Bad situation! I just burst into tears and said "Because of me she will die. If I would have lasted longer she would be OK".
At that point my Mother pulled a Shirley McLane and demanded I get a private room. (Terms of Endearment when Debra Wenger was hospitalized and did not get her pain medicine in time reference). Well the room turned out to the Presidential Suite which was nice!
My Dr. had the nerve to come into my room the night my DD was born and shake his head at her pictures at say "Well that's too bad". Jerk!
Fast forward to 6 years and Miss Megan is a Kindergarten graduate that was tops in her class and has no lingering problems period.
Sorry for the disertation but bottom line is that at some point you will not even be able to believe you got through this time.
Take lots of pictures. Digital worked for us because of the low light, we turned off flash. Keep a journal (best piece of advice we got) and don't be afraid to demand more info from Dr. or nurse if you don't understand something.

 

[TEENEE]

Great advice by all. I especially like what m&ms mom said. If you don't understand or are not comfortable with the answers you are given demand more. When my dd was born my family had never been through anything like this. We had no idea what to do. Keep notes, right now you think you will remember every moment and every conversation, but you won't. Write down the nurses names, you will forget some of their names and will want to thank them many years down the road. Most of all, don't blame yourself, it's not your fault. I know I have gone through the guilt thing many times with my dd. I know as a mom it's hard to turn that off, but for now and for Paul try to realize you didn't do anything wrong. I also understand why you would not want to leave the hospital or the Ronald McDonald house. Take care of yourself and you will find the strength you need to get through all of this.

 

[Sal]

Great news, thanks for the update. I think of little Paul and your family often.

I will be praying for continued good progress.

You are already a good mom. The love you feel for Paul comes through when you write about him.

 

[ead79]

Ginny, I am so thrilled to hear that little Paul is doing so well. It sounds like he's really making good progress. He will remain in my prayers that he will be ready to come home very soon. Don't feel guilty about his pre-mature birth, it's certainly nothing you could have helped. Sometimes these things just happen, even when you're doing your best.

 

[MerryPoppins]

I'm happy to hear the good update on Paul. You guys still remain in my prayers.

My DS was in the neonatal unit at our hospital and I had to go home without him. He wasn't nearly as tiny, but I do understand your feeling that you need to be there. If you can't go home because you feel like it's too far, at least spend more time away from the hospital at the RM house. You do need to try to rest up. Paul will need you soon and when you get him home you won't have those fantastic nurses at your disposal. The nurses can always give you a call if they need you.

 

[skuttle]

That's such wonderful news!

But please, please, please don't you and DH forget to take care of yourselves!!

 

[Boots]

Thank you so much for the wonderful update on Paul! Sounds like he is doing well. And for you here are a bunch of {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}!!!