a little situation i'm hoping to get some advice on...
my kids - dd8 and ds7
our neighborhood - no girls for dd to play with.
next door neighbors - very nice family - 2 ds's (7 and 4). For a few years now, all the kids have played together very nicely, running back and forth between the houses, driveways, playsets, etc. Not any indoor playing except in my house once in a while (i have a big playroom over our garage).
Neighbor 7yo recently tells my ds7 that he doesn't want my dd playing w/ them anymore, and she cannot come to his house to play (again, it's driveway scooter riding, etc, not the boys playing in this boys bedroom or something). The parents next door have always insisted that both their boys stick together and both must come play - they cannot separate them. The mom and I were just talking about this actually - she was saying it's hard for them, and when the younger goes to K next year, hopefully it will be easier as he'll be getting his own set of friends, etc. I understand this and it was never an issue - it was all kids playing anyway (my ds did try to invite the boy his age a few years ago in the winter - calling on the phone and saying can XX come over, and the parents said only both boys or none). I got on the phone and said send both over of course. DS never asked again for only the one his age, after i explained the situation.
So when ds told me a few weeks ago what neighbor 7yo said about my dd not being invited to their driveway, I was very torn. I understand the boys wanting only boys, so at first I explained it to dd and I allowed ds to go next door w/out dd. She was very upset the couple of times it happened. DH was home one day, it happened, and he was like "what?!?!?!? no way!!" So we explained to ds that just like our neighbors who insist the baby bro be included, we're insisting our dd be included. DS is not allowed next door w/out his sister. DS explained this to his friend, and the friend said he doesn't want ds over anymore if his sister must come.
DS is upset and torn too. He's hurt and mad his friend said that about his sister, but he wants to play after school (the boys also ride their 4-wheelers together on our front lawn - it really was a nice situation till recently). I also explained to ds that I cannot have neighbors coming here, swimming in our pool, which is essentially dd's pool too, and not including her. Or just including her when they're on our property, but running 10ft next door and telling her she cannot come over, when they just got out of our pool. That's ridiculous. And it's not a teasing, out loud "nah-nah, you can't come!" type of thing... neighbor 7yo either quietly says it to my ds, or he just goes inside his house alone. He's not a "bad" kid, he's actually always been very sweet. It's just a kid thing I guess. And again, I get it that girls are gross to 7yo boys sometimes.
I also had ds explain to friend it's the same rule his own family has regarding his little bro. Friend then came and asked me (i was out on the driveway) if my ds could come over, and I explained it to him too that just like his family, we have the same rule because it's such a good idea. Neighbor 7yo just said OK and walked back to his house alone, even kind of sad.
What I'm torn about is not allowing my ds to just be a boy and play boy things w/ this neighbor. My kids are 21 months apart, and being a girl and a boy, we've always had together AND separate playdates and activities. I guess the neighbors have never, being it's 2 boys (but 3 years apart). If we had a neighbor girl dd could play w/, this probably wouldn't have even come up. she'd be busy w/ the girl, or if the boys said "no girls allowed", the girls would have each other. and the girls would probably be saying "no boys allowed" sometimes too. Kid stuff - working it out, etc.
So, would you do what we've done and just stick to your guns and not allow my ds to play next door anymore? I'm also torn about letting the neighbor boys over my house anymore either, because I'm annoyed my dd cannot go over there. BUT, if I just say "all you guys come over here" and this is where they all play, and this all just blows over in a few weeks, it's all fine then.
So now because of all this, we made a rule w/ our kids that when they have a playdate w/ a school friend (not a neighborhood kid), they can have some alone time w/ the friend, but when it's neighborhood kids playing, running back and forth to each others houses, everyone's included. I'm very comfortable w/ this.
BUT I feel bad for ds - he wants to play w/ friend next door and he asked yesterday "mom, can I just once go over w/out sister so we can play? we have so much fun together". DH let him go because dd was busy doing something else.
Whenever I've run into the "both my kids are invited or none go", I never agreed with it, and I never did that w/ my kids (I wasn't brought up that way. I was never told I had to include my brothers growing up, etc). There was only 1 family in our neighborhood growing up who did this, and the boys were actually picked on for it and both were simply left out more because of it. Not nice, but it's what happened). Times are different today I guess, but I still have never done it w/ my kids till now... it's more of a "the neighbors are doing it w/ their kids, so now we have to" kind of thing. My dd sees the baby brother tagging along, so she's like "why can't I play too?" And she's half a tomboy - she's always played w/ my ds, and she plays the things they want to play. I'm sure they don't like "how" she's playing though, because she's a girl.
And the neighbor parents don't know this is going on... their ds will just say "i'm going inside, i'm tired" when my dd came over. They would probably say 'everyone has to play', but I don't want to *force* their ds to play w/ my dd. He'll probably just not play w/ either kid anyway. Which is fine, but it's almost like my ds is being punished because no girls live around us, knim? That's the main reason I'm torn about it all.
Any advice??
my kids - dd8 and ds7
our neighborhood - no girls for dd to play with.
next door neighbors - very nice family - 2 ds's (7 and 4). For a few years now, all the kids have played together very nicely, running back and forth between the houses, driveways, playsets, etc. Not any indoor playing except in my house once in a while (i have a big playroom over our garage).
Neighbor 7yo recently tells my ds7 that he doesn't want my dd playing w/ them anymore, and she cannot come to his house to play (again, it's driveway scooter riding, etc, not the boys playing in this boys bedroom or something). The parents next door have always insisted that both their boys stick together and both must come play - they cannot separate them. The mom and I were just talking about this actually - she was saying it's hard for them, and when the younger goes to K next year, hopefully it will be easier as he'll be getting his own set of friends, etc. I understand this and it was never an issue - it was all kids playing anyway (my ds did try to invite the boy his age a few years ago in the winter - calling on the phone and saying can XX come over, and the parents said only both boys or none). I got on the phone and said send both over of course. DS never asked again for only the one his age, after i explained the situation.
So when ds told me a few weeks ago what neighbor 7yo said about my dd not being invited to their driveway, I was very torn. I understand the boys wanting only boys, so at first I explained it to dd and I allowed ds to go next door w/out dd. She was very upset the couple of times it happened. DH was home one day, it happened, and he was like "what?!?!?!? no way!!" So we explained to ds that just like our neighbors who insist the baby bro be included, we're insisting our dd be included. DS is not allowed next door w/out his sister. DS explained this to his friend, and the friend said he doesn't want ds over anymore if his sister must come.
DS is upset and torn too. He's hurt and mad his friend said that about his sister, but he wants to play after school (the boys also ride their 4-wheelers together on our front lawn - it really was a nice situation till recently). I also explained to ds that I cannot have neighbors coming here, swimming in our pool, which is essentially dd's pool too, and not including her. Or just including her when they're on our property, but running 10ft next door and telling her she cannot come over, when they just got out of our pool. That's ridiculous. And it's not a teasing, out loud "nah-nah, you can't come!" type of thing... neighbor 7yo either quietly says it to my ds, or he just goes inside his house alone. He's not a "bad" kid, he's actually always been very sweet. It's just a kid thing I guess. And again, I get it that girls are gross to 7yo boys sometimes.
I also had ds explain to friend it's the same rule his own family has regarding his little bro. Friend then came and asked me (i was out on the driveway) if my ds could come over, and I explained it to him too that just like his family, we have the same rule because it's such a good idea. Neighbor 7yo just said OK and walked back to his house alone, even kind of sad.
What I'm torn about is not allowing my ds to just be a boy and play boy things w/ this neighbor. My kids are 21 months apart, and being a girl and a boy, we've always had together AND separate playdates and activities. I guess the neighbors have never, being it's 2 boys (but 3 years apart). If we had a neighbor girl dd could play w/, this probably wouldn't have even come up. she'd be busy w/ the girl, or if the boys said "no girls allowed", the girls would have each other. and the girls would probably be saying "no boys allowed" sometimes too. Kid stuff - working it out, etc.
So, would you do what we've done and just stick to your guns and not allow my ds to play next door anymore? I'm also torn about letting the neighbor boys over my house anymore either, because I'm annoyed my dd cannot go over there. BUT, if I just say "all you guys come over here" and this is where they all play, and this all just blows over in a few weeks, it's all fine then.
So now because of all this, we made a rule w/ our kids that when they have a playdate w/ a school friend (not a neighborhood kid), they can have some alone time w/ the friend, but when it's neighborhood kids playing, running back and forth to each others houses, everyone's included. I'm very comfortable w/ this.
BUT I feel bad for ds - he wants to play w/ friend next door and he asked yesterday "mom, can I just once go over w/out sister so we can play? we have so much fun together". DH let him go because dd was busy doing something else.
Whenever I've run into the "both my kids are invited or none go", I never agreed with it, and I never did that w/ my kids (I wasn't brought up that way. I was never told I had to include my brothers growing up, etc). There was only 1 family in our neighborhood growing up who did this, and the boys were actually picked on for it and both were simply left out more because of it. Not nice, but it's what happened). Times are different today I guess, but I still have never done it w/ my kids till now... it's more of a "the neighbors are doing it w/ their kids, so now we have to" kind of thing. My dd sees the baby brother tagging along, so she's like "why can't I play too?" And she's half a tomboy - she's always played w/ my ds, and she plays the things they want to play. I'm sure they don't like "how" she's playing though, because she's a girl.
And the neighbor parents don't know this is going on... their ds will just say "i'm going inside, i'm tired" when my dd came over. They would probably say 'everyone has to play', but I don't want to *force* their ds to play w/ my dd. He'll probably just not play w/ either kid anyway. Which is fine, but it's almost like my ds is being punished because no girls live around us, knim? That's the main reason I'm torn about it all.
Any advice??
. Good Luck to you!
