Need opinons-daughter going through ugly duckling stage

[siouxi31]

My 10 year old thinks she's ugly. The photo in my sig is from about 3-4 years ago, I think she's cute.
She hates her chubby cheeks and tells me that friends have commented as to how her cheeks bounce when she walks. She hates a birthmark she has on her leg, doesn't like that her belly sticks out in her bathing suit, hates that little fat that sticks out on the side of her knees when she squats, thinks her hair is unruly. I asked her what she did like about herself and she said it was her blue eyes.
I'm so sad that she has this shallowness and can't see that she's funny, smart (she's in the gifted program at school), has a neat sense of style, and that she can be sweet and that she really is a cute little girl. How do I break her of this?
Part of me wants to tell her to just get over herself and quit feeling so sorry. The other part wants to give her some words of consoling.
All I could think of was to tell her that when I was her age I felt like I was ugly too. I thought nobody would ever love such an ugly person and that I would be doomed to never be married and have kids. But, I don't want to concentrate so much on appearance as to who she is inside and I don't want to concentrate too much on who she is inside since what's bothering her is her outside because then she'll think I agree with her on her appearance...gosh does that even make sense? Parenting is sometimes so hard when it comes to self-esteem.

 

[CEDmom]

Oh, the poor thing. She is a very cute little girl. Everyone has levels of insecurity. Even glamorous Hollywood stars have things they don't like about themselves. I'd probably explain that she's not alone in feeling like she does and that her friends probably have the same feelings about themselves. I'd let her know that of course she's beautiful and perfect in your eyes but if there are things she'd like to improve on you'd help her if possible. I wouldn't go overboard but maybe something as simple as a new haircut and cutting back on junk food might help her feel better about herself. Good luck.

 

[Miller1412]

I don't have any advice for you other than I'm so sorry for your DD. It's so sad that young girls have to start feeling this pressure so young. She's beautiful. I hope she finds her inner beauty soon!

Hugs to you, I know this must be hard for you. Good luck!

 

[LBAK]

My 10 yo DD is doing the same thing. It's the age. She'll outgrow it and start feeling good about herself soon. Just hang in there and with constant reassurance it will turn out fine.

 

[siouxi31]

Thank you all for your support. When she wakes up today, I think she and I will have some mommy-daughter time. Hopefully I can make her feel a little better with your suggestions.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

She's beautiful! I too, think it's sad that girls start judging themselves on looks at such a young age.

Many of the things she doesn't like are things she can try to do something about. Like someone said, maybe a new haircut would be good. Does she play any sports? My dd has always been on the chubby side, even though she eats well and plays a lot of sports, but the one thing that made a difference was gymnastics. There's a lot of strength training involved, and while my dd is still bigger than most girls her age, she's gotten a lot more solid through gymnastics. Karate is also supposed to be very good, not only as an exercise, but as a self-confidence builder.

Good luck.

 

[malibuconlee]

I don't have kids, just wanted to give my support. I think most girls are insecure at that age, or a little older. If I was only as "fat" now as I thought I was when I was younger I'd be ecstatic. I still laugh that there's a pic of me in my swimsuit from swim team in the yearbooks. Now I don't want to be in a swimsuit at all.

How about some mom/daughter excercise if she's worried about her weight? It would be some together time while getting her into the habit of exercising. I know I need that habit myself.

Good luck.

 

[CathrynRose]

Parenting is sometimes so hard when it comes to self-esteem.

It certainly is. My oldest (14) is going through an acne stage - so I totally understand.

And myself - I had a seriously "ugly duckling" stage! OH MAN!

If I were you, and had girls I'd do a few things:

1) Show her pictures of you, your girlfriends, sisters, etc - show her how they also were'nt perfect at your age. Let her know how 'normal' is it, to not look 'normal' - anyone remember Chelsea Clinton

2) Take her out and get her hair done, her nails done - department stores will schedule "makeovers". Even if it's just for the day - it can boost your self esteem tremendously. Take her for new clothes.... make her feel special. I know a new outfit always makes me feel like a hot tamale!

On this note - my girlfriends daughter is also 10. Obnoxiously tall, and thicker (she is not even chubby, she's just a thick girl - she'll look great in a few years) Her school had the nerve to send home a BMI index - showing her in the 95% for her age, and how she has a high tendency to become 'obese' She's *always* been in the 95% since the day she was born!!! The poor girl now thinks she's fat. We have a huge burden on our shoulders to become perfect and it's starting earlier and earlier... it's disgusting, and sad.

ETA - Remind her, it's totally natural to gain weight before a growth spurt.... otherwise she'd look like a green bean. Make it a very cool thing to happen - mark on the wall her height, and tell her "let's see how much you grow in the next month - 2 months" etc....

 

[ILUVMYBRIT]

I feel for you. I went through it as a teen, I think we all did. My dd is 7 and I'm so nervous about her pre-teen and teen years. I know its going to be hard but I'm sure she will survive it.

 

[CathrynRose]

I thought of a few more things....

Look up movie stars, as kids.... a LOT of them were not too much to look at, at all.

On this same note - I cant imagine how hard it is for the Mom of a girl. My ex-MIL, this past summer wouldnt let my youngest son (while the rest of her grandkids did) have a donut, cuz he needed to "lose weight"

Now thankfully, Danny didnt take it TOO much to heart. he was a bit miffed - and a little disgusted, but it didnt overcome him thinking he was a fat-butt. I dont believe there is as much pressure to be a thin boy, as their is a thin girl.

But I will tell you - a few days ago Danny did say to me "You know, I dont mean to sound mean or anything - but I wish it was Gramma Lisa who had died - and not Gramma (my mom)"

And that about sums up what her little comments she made to him, did.

 

[CathrynRose]

One more - (LOL)

I looked up "Ugly Duckling Celebrities"

Julia Roberts, Charlize Therling, Liv Tyler & Nicolette Sheridan, to name a few - had all been called Ugle Ducklings as children.

 

[malibuconlee]

It certainly is. My oldest (14) is going through an acne stage - so I totally understand.

:

My Dh is 32 and still going thru and acne stage. It's expensive, but I bought him the Proactive stuff. It's really helped him and he only uses it once a day instead of twice a day. So it lasts a long time.

Just be sure to get some white washcloths and towels (or have him use old ones) because it will leave bleach spots on it.

 

[ely3857]

Has your daughter watched 13 going on 30? It may help her realise most kids go through this at some stage, and it's a good girly film



Jodie

 

[NMAmy]

I had a couple of things that helped my 15 yo dd when she went through this stage. First, I showed her pictures of myself at that age--and I was WAY more of an ugly duckling than she'd ever thought of being.

The other thing I did was to point out to her that she shouldn't be so hypercritical of herself. Most people going about their daily lives could care less about how someone else looks. While it feels like everyone is looking at you and judging you at this age--people are usually more concerned with how THEY look than with how you look.

I also tend to compliment her a lot--something my mom never did and I used to get so tickled when someone else would. I remember a dear friend of my mom's who, when I had glasses, frizzy hair, and braces, put her arm around me and told me that I was a beautiful girl. It made a huge impression on me that she thought I was pretty. I not only compliment dd on her appearance but also on her good grades, her athletic ability, her singing voice, and when she does something sweet. I want her to like herself as much as I like her. Sometimes it helps to see it through someone else's eyes.

Good luck--

 

[missypie]

When my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, Dad got out the family slides. My lord! From age 7 to 17 I was so homely!!!!! I was VERY skinny, the style was super short skirts, so I looked absolutely freaky with my toothpick legs; my hair was always a fright; I had those cat eye glasses; I had tiny little eyes, etc. Why in the world didn't my mom help me out?????

She always tried to boost my self esteem by telling me how pretty I was, etc. but it would have been a lot more helpful if she had helped me do something concrete to look better. She could have worked with me to find flattering clothes; taken me to get the perfect hair cut; as I got older, helped me apply eye make up so that my eyes showed, etc. I know that every child is beautiful in their parents' eyes, but I can't believe that she let me go around looking so totally dorky for a decade!!!

If I were you, I wouldn't show her pictures of stars who used to be "ugly"...Isn't that just confirming that you think she is ugly?

 

[Brier Rose]

The closer summer comes the bigger the knot in my stomach because I know what is coming with my DD.

She is 14, and I think very beautiful, but she has some side effects from the surgery and radiation she received to treat cancer when she was a baby.
Her belly button is off center, and her hips are very uneven. You wouldn't even notice it with clothes on, but it's easy to see in a bathing suit.

She just started really making comments about it 2 years ago. I hurt so bad for her, especially at her age when I know how important things like that are, but then I think..you know she should just be happy to be alive!

It's hard, and I know if your DD is anything like mine, no amount of her MOTHER telling her she's beautiful means much at this point. That's what mother's are supposed to say..don't ya know! LOL

Don't really have any advice just a .

 

[SC Minnie]

DD11 is going through this too. To top it off she just got braces. Kids make fun of each other about all kinds of things. I have tried to explain to DD that everyone is different and special. Kids tend to make fun of other kids that they are jealous of and they pick out the one thing that the person is most self conscious of. It is a life lesson. She is the way she is which is beautiful, inside and out. I've tried to tell DD that everyone has something about themselves that they don't like, too tall, too short, color of hair, too thin, overweight, whatever. Ask her to think about what the world would be like if EVERYONE was exactly the same. Looked the same, acted the same. It would be boring.

I overheard DD and her friend talking about their fat legs the other day. DD doesn't even weight 70lbs. I put a stop to that right away.

I agree with another poster. Take a fun day with her. Get your nails and hair done and enjoy the day together. And give her an extra

 

[lovemygoofy]

I had a couple of things that helped my 15 yo dd when she went through this stage. First, I showed her pictures of myself at that age--and I was WAY more of an ugly duckling than she'd ever thought of being.

The other thing I did was to point out to her that she shouldn't be so hypercritical of herself. Most people going about their daily lives could care less about how someone else looks. While it feels like everyone is looking at you and judging you at this age--people are usually more concerned with how THEY look than with how you look.

I also tend to compliment her a lot--something my mom never did and I used to get so tickled when someone else would. I remember a dear friend of my mom's who, when I had glasses, frizzy hair, and braces, put her arm around me and told me that I was a beautiful girl. It made a huge impression on me that she thought I was pretty. I not only compliment dd on her appearance but also on her good grades, her athletic ability, her singing voice, and when she does something sweet. I want her to like herself as much as I like her. Sometimes it helps to see it through someone else's eyes.

Good luck--

I don't have kids but the part I highlighted, I sooooo agree with. I was never told I was pretty or had pretty hair or whatever or at least never by anyone in my family. Then it was just the standard you are cute. Im going to remember to use the words pretty and beautiful and make sure she knows she has gorgeous features.

To the OP: tell her from me that she is gorgeous but look at her gene's because she has a pretty mama.

It's never easy being female. Even at 28, I have ugly duckling days.

 

[CathrynRose]

If I were you, I wouldn't show her pictures of stars who used to be "ugly"...Isn't that just confirming that you think she is ugly?

No, it would be confirming that at this age - no one is perfect. Its called the "awkward years" for a reason - cuz plenty of people go through it and it's okay.

And that if *insert star here* looked like THAT when she was a kid - and she looks like THIS now! WOWIE!

 

[debbiedoo]

this is a hard stage. I agree with the others a mom/daughter day is in order. Nails, new hair cut, girl movie, this is a hard time for girls. My 7 year old has been telling me this year that she is fat!! She is not fat -- with all the pressure from the celebs this is what has happen. It is a sad thing

good luck to you and many hugs --