Need Help -- Parents whose children have gone through divorce

[charmin1976]

Your prayers please. I realize that there is nothing that I can do, but I'm just devastated. My daughter-in-law, married to my #1 son, called to say that they won't be visiting next weekend because he's leaving her. He was packing his stuff as she was calling me on the phone and wouldn't talk to me. When I had her ask him what I could do, he said, "Nothing."

They live six hours away. I don't want to be in the middle and I'm almost sorry that she called me when she did. My heart is breaking.

They're 27 and just had a baby six months ago. I'm afraid that I'm losing a son, a DIL who was so close to me, and my grandbaby.

Please, any tips and all of your prayers,

Charm

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am sorry you are going through this. Why do you feel like you are losing a son? I would talk to him. If they had a baby 6 months ago maybe it is just stress etc. Maybe talking to him would help. I certainly wouldn't stand back yet. Find out what is going on. You might be able to help them even if they don't think that you can.
Good luck.

 

[jmpurdy]

Hugs as this could be a very very long and painful journey....having gone thru if myself. Don't talk to him thru her. Leave a message on his cell phone (if he has one) that you are there for him and you won't judge him, but are there to help. He may confide in you, he may not. Just try to stay in the middle if you can, but the truth is I'm sure your sights are on your grandbaby that you never want to lose if they actually divorce. Its very early. In our case, there was extremely just cause for her to leave and now a year later, it is over and we are all healing and in a very good place.

 

[Serena]

You won't lose your family unless you chose too.

In my family, once you were in the family, you never got out, regardless to if you stayed married to the person or not.

My ex in laws are the same way. We are family.

 

[Orangeandwild]

My oldest DS and his first wife were married for 5 years, and three weeks after their 5th annivesary my son called to tell us she left him (which was no shock). She did not get along with any of our family due to her personality so no one was overly sorry to see her go. My DH and other two DS all agreed to keep our mouth shut and just stay out of it, so as not to alienate our son which we sure did not want to lose. It was difficult but we never said a bad thing about her or go involved, but just listened when he wanted to talk. He had married too young and we all knew they were not much alike.

Two years later he got remarried to a wonderful girl and they have two beautiful children and he is extremely happy. He now tells us what an idiot he was to have married first wife, and never knew what happiness was in marriage until he married second wife.

Best advice I can give anyone is stay out of your kids divorce, just be there if they need you or want to talk. If they want advice they will ask or need you they will let you know. I am MIL to three girls and I get along famously with all of them now, as I do not butt in on their lives....hope this helps some

 

[kellyg403]

My oldest DS and his first wife were married for 5 years, and three weeks after their 5th annivesary my son called to tell us she left him (which was no shock). She did not get along with any of our family due to her personality so no one was overly sorry to see her go. My DH and other two DS all agreed to keep our mouth shut and just stay out of it, so as not to alienate our son which we sure did not want to lose. It was difficult but we never said a bad thing about her or go involved, but just listened when he wanted to talk. He had married too young and we all knew they were not much alike.

Two years later he got remarried to a wonderful girl and they have two beautiful children and he is extremely happy. He now tells us what an idiot he was to have married first wife, and never knew what happiness was in marriage until he married second wife.

Best advice I can give anyone is stay out of your kids divorce, just be there if they need you or want to talk. If they want advice they will ask or need you they will let you know. I am MIL to three girls and I get along famously with all of them now, as I do not butt in on their lives....hope this helps some

Definitely the best advice is to not take sides and stay out of it. It takes two people to get married, stay married and get divorced...not 7 or 4 or 3. I can only say that keeping in touch with DIL and keeping on good terms will be YOUR relationship choice. Do not let others tell you differently. It will be hard to see them hurting and divorcing but you will have a different relationship with dil now, so start working on making that one good. If they get back together you will still have a good relationship with your dil.

This is really really hard. Our first instinct is to help our hurt children exclusive to all others. Remember there are three people hurting!

Kelly

 

[jenrose66]

I'm a child of divorce...so not quite what you were looking for...but I'll weigh in.

My parents divorce was devastating to me. I was almost 6 and my brother was 2 and a half. My dad decided he didn't want to be married with kids anymore and he had an affair with a younger woman who said she couldn't have children and yet she was pregnant before my parents divorce was final...it was a miracle

Anyway, I can let you know that 21 years later, for me the hurt never went away. My dad stayed in our lives, but he had another family that came before me and my brother. Even if my brother or I would sleep there or visit I always felt like a bit of an outsider. Plus my dad didn't see his family as much after the divorce they were always with my step mom's family so I felt like not only did I lose my dad, I lost half my extended family too.

Once we turned 18 my step mom got very difficult. She would always answer the phone when I called my dad and say that he couldn't talk...stuff like that. I've got 2 kids and up until about 6 weeks ago I could count on one hand how many times they've seen their grandpa.

I made a decision that I want my dad in my life. So I started calling him at work, we set up times for visits and lately I've been going over every other weekend for a couples hours. My brother on the other hand, still hasn't seen my dad in months.

My step mom is always pleasant, while I know she secretly wishes me and my brother didn't exist, she couldn't come right out and say that, because my dad does love us, he just always complains about how he can't see me more because life is too busy.

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

Your prayers please. I realize that there is nothing that I can do, but I'm just devastated. My daughter-in-law, married to my #1 son, called to say that they won't be visiting next weekend because he's leaving her. He was packing his stuff as she was calling me on the phone and wouldn't talk to me. When I had her ask him what I could do, he said, "Nothing."

They live six hours away. I don't want to be in the middle and I'm almost sorry that she called me when she did. My heart is breaking.

They're 27 and just had a baby six months ago. I'm afraid that I'm losing a son, a DIL who was so close to me, and my grandbaby.

Please, any tips and all of your prayers,

Charm

Even if they do separate you can still be close to your daugheter in law. Prayers for you. Hope all turns out well. You can lose a son when he lives in the same city it does not make a difference if he is 6 hours away. My guess is something monumental has happened and he does not want to tell you. HOPEFULLY he is not leaving for another parnter. That is a rotten thing to do expecially to a 6 month old baby and his mother.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

This does not have to be the end of your relationship with your DIL and GC. Make a regular effort to keep in touch and see them. If they are too far away to see a lot, send cards and call.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

And FWIW, I also don't think this necessarily means you'll lose your DIL and grandbaby. I am divorced, no kids, and while I haven't seen or spoken to my ex in over two years, I am still friends with my former mother- and stepfather-in-law. We call and see each other often!

 

[kafitty]

i hope this gets resolved, but as a child of divorce, i am FOREVER thankful that my parents split up before i could remember it (about a year old). Sure there was conflict post-divorce, but i can't imagine having to have consciously witnessed the things my parents did to each other while still married.

i have dealt with something kind of similar, in that i am still extremely close to my ex-fiance's mother. i was the one who screwed up the relationship with him (and consequently violated her trust and love), and while there was a lot of hurt and time involved, 5 years later she and i are very close again. Unfortunately, this is causing strain between her and my ex, largely due to his wife, but she views me as her daughter and i absolutely consider her a mother figure in my life. i hope that you are able to maintain a relationship with her, though i definitely advise against discussing your son - that has been the major bone of contention with my ex, that he feels his mom and i are "scheming" against him. (It's not scheming...merely discussing our opinions vociferously! )

this is likely to be a difficult period, and i wish you the best.

 

[luvsJack]

My oldest DS and his first wife divorced. The divorce was devastating to him. He was so in love with this girl, he would have given his life for her. He has since remarried but I can still see how that first marriage has effected him.

For your relationship with your son, just be available. Let him know that you are there for whatever he needs. My son mostly needed a shoulder to cry on, so that's what he got. BUT, always be careful not to give a negative opinion regardless of what he tells you she has done. Like has been said, don't take sides; just listen. All I ever said to my son was "I am so sorry that this happened". Remember, no matter how bad it seems, they may still get back together and things you commented on may come back to haunt you. (even if you are completely justified in saying them)

Its going to take a lot of hugs and tears to get through this, for all of you. Good luck.

 

[acmeyer]

You don't have to lose your d-inlaw or your gc. My grandparents never really divorced my mother at all. After my father left and remarried my grandparents and my father's sisters all kept a relationship with my mom. Even after my father remarried. That relationship lasted for 25 yrs until both of their deaths. My mother attended many of my cousins weddings graduations , and both of their grandparents funerals, and my aunts attented my mom's mothers funeral. Yeah it made my dad squirm a bit but oh well. That was the way that my grandmother and aunts wanted it and the ruled the roost! The main thing was they never really got in the middle They just made it known that just because of the divorce they never stopped loving anyone and they where going to be nice to everyone. I never really appreciated it while my grandma was around and I wish that I could tell her that today. Here is a hug for you