Need advice/out of control teen

[grinningghost]

Real brief - My 15 yr. old niece lives with my MIL. Has since birth, her own mom took off. The other day, my niece got caught having a party in her room. There were 7 boys and 2 girls. The room was an absolute horror. Drug paraphernalia, booze bottles, grafitti all over the walls, ceiling, window. MIL found her missing bottle of Rx meds, razor blades, homemade pipes, etc. If this wasn't bad enough, my niece punched and kicked holes in the walls when confronted, and then punched MIL in the face. She and her friends then took off.

My DH and BIL went over to help her and were absolutely disgusted by what they saw. MIL's nerves are a wreck, not to mention a swollen face. A warrant was put out for her and she will be taken to a juvenile facility when they find her. Last night MIL was having regrets about putting out the warrant, she said she feels guilty having to put her away. When I told her she shouldn't back down, because it's the only thing that's going to help her (this isn't the first offense), she got angry with me.

Was I wrong to say this girl needs to be put into an institution where she can get some help? By the way, she also hasn't gone to school since OCTOBER. Yes, October. I think I was right, but I'm wondering what advice you guys would give her?

 

[ChiTownZee]

I've never had experience with this, but I just wanted to say I think you MIL is doing the right thing. She sounds WAY above out of control and needs some serious help.

 

[newmousecateer]

This girls needs serious help right now. What you described is absolutely unbelievable. I think your MIL is definately doing the right thing.

 

[FOJMO]

she (niece) needs HELP! NOW! Your MIL should not feel as if she's "putting her away." She needs to look at it as she's getting help for her and she (MIL) cannot do it herself!

This is totally unacceptable behavior and total disrespect for herself and your MIL. Your niece is heading down a very dangerous path and NOT getting her help would bring even more guilt.

It's BECAUSE you love someone that you do what's necessary and not what will make you feel less guilty!

This is an extremely tough situation, especially when she is being violent toward someone other than herself. She's already proven that she thinks nothing of herself.

Lots of prayers and pixie dust are coming your way from me, that's for sure! Please let us know how it turns out.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font face="Comic Sans MS"><font color=#006400>I think you were right.

Maybe you can ask your MIL what she would rather live with - show tough love and put her away now, and hopefully help her.... or back down, and face the possibility of her granddaughter dying of an overdose, or getting in worse trouble to get drugs (caught stealing, etc.)

If your niece has gone far enough to physically hit her grandmother, then intervention is a must....

... and if you and the other family members don't handle this... can you live w/the possible consequences?

 

[Boots]

I too think your MIL is doing the right thing. It sounds like a very scary situation and I don't believer your MIL can control it any longer. Who knows what might happed to your MIL somewhere down the road if this continues? HUGS and prayers.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

First off {HUGS} to you!!!

What advice would I give her? That is a tough one!!!
I do not think that an institution is a good solution for her. However MIL is weak (has let girl spiral downward w/o taking charge of the situation) and she was hit so I do not think she should be allowed back in her home.

My advice to MIL would be that she needs to have the "law" step into this girls life as she needs to "own" her behavior.
I would also tell her that the word GUILT is for someone who has down something wrong.
Ask your MIL if she did something wrong? She will say no (I hope), then tell her the girl is in the wrong and needs to start payback for her own mistakes. It will either grow her up or she will go the other way.
It is no longer in MIL hands now.

 

[FOJMO]

My advice to MIL would be that she needs to have the "law" step into this girls life as she needs to "own" her behavior.
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I believe that having a warrant out for her and her being taken to a juvenile facility when they find her would be considered the "law".

Also, as the MIL is the only mother this girl has ever known, it definitely IS in the MIL's hands as well as the niece's. When you are a mother/parent/guardian, you don't "wash your hands" of someone -- you do have to have help, though. If the niece feels the MIL has abandoned her, what hope does she have?

 

[TRAPPED-PARENT]

I believe there is a national organization called TOUGH LOVE. Urge your MIL to phone them immediately ... this will be a good support group for her if she wants to do the right thing for her granddaughter.

 

[Kallison]

She definitely needs more help than your MIL can give. You were not wrong to say that, obviously your MIL isn't thinking clearly. Especially if she let the situation escalate to this point.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

She definately did the right thing.

If she is not attending school and the MIL is apparently not monitoring what goes on in her own house, then control of the situation has been completely lost. It is simply not safe for the child to live in that house - for either one of them.

MIL can best show her support right now by getting her into a good Drug Treatment Center.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by FOJMO
I believe that having a warrant out for her and her being taken to a juvenile facility when they find her would be considered the "law".

Also, as the MIL is the only mother this girl has ever known, it definitely IS in the MIL's hands as well as the niece's. When you are a mother/parent/guardian, you don't "wash your hands" of someone -- you do have to have help, though. If the niece feels the MIL has abandoned her, what hope does she have?

I didn't say that the MIL should wash her hands of this girl but rather I was alluding to the fact that the MIL has to accept that the law has to handle what she has done, I suppose as others had said exhibit some Tough Love.
Perhaps a better answer would be to say to MIL, she is going to feel guilty having a warrant out for her dd, I think most parents would probably feel that way.

 

[Serena]

I agree the girl needs help that her grandma can't provide.

 

[grinningghost]

Thanks to everyone - I knew I wasn't crazy. She needs outside help - now.

 

[Tulirose]

My heart goes out to all involved in this situation. As difficult as I am sure it will be, your MIL made the right decision initially. That girl desperately needs more help than any well-meaning family member can give her. Good luck and God bless.

 

[WillyJ]

I don't think you were out of line a bit for what you said Grinningghost. . . I can see where you're MIL might be having second thoughts, but you might reassure her that considering the girls age, it's more then likely the court will force her into treatment rather then just lock her up. . .

It sounds like a tough situation all the way around; I wish you all much luck, and please let us know what happens. .

 

[TRAPPED-PARENT]

Here's the web address for Tough Love International -- http://www.toughlove.org/

Again, please urge your MIL to obtain some outside support as to what is the next best move in helping her granddaughter.

 

[TRAPPED-PARENT]

Just curious ... how did this all turn out?

 

[Lynn CC]

Your MIL has let her go far enough down this wrong path, she is right to call the authorities, you should let your husband tell her she has to follow through with whatever else is necessary to get her on the right path.

{HUGS} to you all

 

[wdwnutze]

This girl needs lots of help and is traveling a very dangerous road. Your mil made the right decision in having the law step in. It will be difficult for your mil and you all need to unite and support her. If she isn't getting the support she needs she might feel tpp guilty and back down. Your niece will obviously be angry with your mil and anyone that supports her, but you all have to stick together on this. Your niece will eventually(could take a long while) understand this was done out of love. This appears to be a situation that has been brewing for quite a while to get this out of control. If not handled right now and in the right way, things could get a whole lot worse and you could lose her for good to the streets or worse. Help your mil stay strong and get the rest of the family to help her with this. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. You have a tough road ahead of you but one worth fighting for. (I worked with adolescents for 10yrs so I have lots of experience with this.)