My strange neighbor came over to tell us he is getting a mail order bride..

[maelstrom]

I know someone whose wife is from the Philippines, but I think he met her here while she was on vacation or something, and then ended up going to visit her in the Philippines a few times before bringing her here. It wasn't meant to be some kind of mail-order bride thing, but it ended up looking like one.

 

[TerriP]

The brides from their side do it in order to support their family. Sometimes they even have children at home. They send money home every month, and that way, support a lot of people.
This is usually their only alternative from prostitution.

I mean no disrespect to anyone who is in this kind of arrangement, but how is this all that different from prostitution? You are paid to be with a man..sure you're cooking and cleaning in addition to having "relations", so maybe it's actually worse than prostitution. I mean, at least a prostitute only has one responsibilty!

In all seriousness, I believe a mail-order bridge arrangement is a form of prostitution. You are trading your body in exchange for something (money, citizenship, etc...). Not my cup of tea - but more power to ya!

 

[EMom]

my cousin did this. he thought he was going to get a subservient, sweet little woman that would fullfill his wants for a 'traditional wife and mother'.

she was very sweet. she was also very much the traditional wife and mother SO LONG as he was in her opinion the traditional husband and father. she kicked his butt (figurativly) and would not stand for his lazy, slovenly habits. she told him 'you want me to be 'perfect wife'-you be 'perfect husband'-get a job, keep the job-get me a house to 'housewife', then we talk about having babies'

Hey, she made an "If this, then that" deal. He wasn't meeting the "If this" part, so she declined to meet the "Then that" obligation. Sounds reasonable to me. Shrewd contract negotiator, that one. My kind of woman.

I think it will be interesting to watch over the next decade or two and see what happens with China. We have friends who adopted from there and towards the end of their waiting for it to go thru they were getting concerned that they would change something for this very reason. So many millions of men who will not be able to find spouses.

I wondered this same thing years ago. "Has anyone over there stopped and said.....Hey, wait a minute...Who are all the boys going to marry and have children with some day? Doh! There's a flaw in this plan!...." I saw a news program recently that said that Chinese men are starting to get something along the lines of mail order brides from other Asian countries. I don't remember which country(ies) (maybe North Korea???) but one(s) with a surplus of women who might not have a good chance at marriage at home due to economic conditions.

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

Does anyone watch The Real Housewives of Orange County? One of the woman's exhusband married a woman from the Philippeans -- kind of mail order bride-ish. The daughters talk about how he and his friends all did that. the women are much younger than the husbands.

The sad thing is that in this case the man passed away and didn't leave a will (if you watched the show you know that he was a "make a fortune and then lose a fortune" type guy.) So the new wife got everything and his daughters are out of luck. On top of that -- a few days after dad died the new wife kicked the teenage daughter out of the house.

The daughter also said that she didn't do much to save dad when he was dying -- heart attack. she found him during it and then rather than calling 911 went to the neighbors house -- got the husband and brought him back. He started cpr and called 911.

 

[barkley]

one of the odder dynamics i've seen with these situations involve family issues-not those with existing children of the men-but with the men's parents.

i've known of a couple of situations wherein the men who married were either only children or at least the only or oldest son in their families. with some cultures this automaticaly positions that son as holding a greater status within the family, and as such, as parents get older-their affairs and issues with their care are expected to be handled (in the bride's mind) by her husband. i've seen a couple of situations where the bride who previously had a very good relationship with her mil at odds with the woman once the fil dies. the bride's upbringing and mindset is that her dh upon his father's death is to assume all of the financial and decision making authority for the mil. the mil's, many whose husbands left those decisions to them their entire wedded lives are greatly offended at what they see as the bride's demanding intrusiveness into their personal lives. the brides are greatly offended at what they deem as tremendous disrespect on their mil's part for not allowing the 'natural progression' in authority on their groom's part to take place.
men who have had good relationships with their mothers now find that their mother's are pulling away at best-at worst at odds with their dil's.

 

[punkin]

one of the odder dynamics i've seen with these situations involve family issues-not those with existing children of the men-but with the men's parents.

i've known of a couple of situations wherein the men who married were either only children or at least the only or oldest son in their families. with some cultures this automaticaly positions that son as holding a greater status within the family, and as such, as parents get older-their affairs and issues with their care are expected to be handled (in the bride's mind) by her husband. i've seen a couple of situations where the bride who previously had a very good relationship with her mil at odds with the woman once the fil dies. the bride's upbringing and mindset is that her dh upon his father's death is to assume all of the financial and decision making authority for the mil. the mil's, many whose husbands left those decisions to them their entire wedded lives are greatly offended at what they see as the bride's demanding intrusiveness into their personal lives. the brides are greatly offended at what they deem as tremendous disrespect on their mil's part for not allowing the 'natural progression' in authority on their groom's part to take place.
men who have had good relationships with their mothers now find that their mother's are pulling away at best-at worst at odds with their dil's.

That's an interesting twist.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

I see arranged marriages differently from mail order brides. Arranged marriages work out at about the same rate as non arranged. Usually families are involved. They carefully hand pick a spouse from a similar background who they believe will make their child happy. It's neither a better or worse way than we do it here.
Mail order marriages are between people of different cultures, economic status, (usually) age. There is a built in inequality that almost inevitable leads to problems.

It's just as good to have other people select your mate, leaving you with no choice in the matter? I can respect cultural differences, but there is no way on Earth anyone could convince me a loss of personal freedom in this matter is a good thing. Sure, most of the chosen spouses are probably from very similar backgrounds, and that is a plus. I don't care how great the guy is, though...if he's forced on me and not freely chosen, that's a bad thing.

 

[punkin]

I don't care how great the guy is, though...if he's forced on me and not freely chosen, that's a bad thing.

But they are freely chosen. No one is forced. It is just expected and the way of things. Look, I married a man I chose. I was '"in love" all the good things. It is not MY culture, but I understand it. I do not understand "mail order" brides.

 

[Camicar]

I think it will be interesting to watch over the next decade or two and see what happens with China. We have friends who adopted from there and towards the end of their waiting for it to go thru they were getting concerned that they would change something for this very reason. So many millions of men who will not be able to find spouses.

A coworker of mine who has spent a lot of time in the past 20 years in India -- where female fetuses are routinely aborted -- has seen that what is happening is that the oldest son marries a woman and she becomes the wife for all of the brothers.

From what I've seen most men who want mail order brides are looking for submissive servants they can order around and use sexually and who will feel grateful for any crumbs that fall from the table.

I knew a guy who did the mail order bride thing and years later discovered that she had left SIX children behind in the Phillippines in order to marry an American. He couldn't believe she had done that. I couldn't believe he had sent off to find a 'proper woman who would submit to him. the way a woman should.' So, I called it even.

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

I watch "Real Housewives of OC" and Lou Knickerbocker (who has passed away since) had a mail order Thai wife. Lou had no will, and let his daughters nothing so the wife is getting it all..

Kinda sad because I think he made his daughters VERY dependant on him and now they have no experience in paying for anything

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

Does anyone watch The Real Housewives of Orange County? One of the woman's exhusband married a woman from the Philippeans -- kind of mail order bride-ish. The daughters talk about how he and his friends all did that. the women are much younger than the husbands.

lol..i didn't see your post till after I posted...I am glad Lindsay seems to be getting it together, but Megan seems to just not be able to move forward

 

["Got Disney"]

I worked with a guy whose first mail order bride was a disaster so he got a second one. She was from Russia and came with a boyfriend who was in the Russian Moffia. That did not work all well either.

I work with a guy who got a mail order bride. She promptly mailed herself back! He is a gross, weird little man and I cant say that I blame her.

What else is a woman to do when a weired little man buys you

Good for her!

A guy that lives in our town did this, he never got a bride though, he kept sending money overseas and no one ever came. LOL! They corresponded with him for awhile until he sent money .

that's what you get for buying an overseas product

Does he already have children with the first wife? NO If so, he should take care of them instead of persuing a trophy wife and making trophy children.

If he does not have children and is "buying" this bride just to breed, I think that is so pathetic, and also demeaning to the woman.

agreed

 

[Barbossa]

I knew a guy who did the mail order bride thing and years later discovered that she had left SIX children behind in the Phillippines in order to marry an American. He couldn't believe she had done that.

It's not that unusual for parents to leave children behind in the Philippines if they get a chance to come to the U.S. After they've established themselves in the States, they then are in a position to petition to have their children come over. A lot of people live in poverty in the PI, so they do what they can to find a better life for their family. This guy may become the father of 6 very quickly!

 

["Got Disney"]

It's not that unusual for parents to leave children behind in the Philippines if they get a chance to come to the U.S. After they've established themselves in the States, they then are in a position to petition to have their children come over. A lot of people live in poverty in the PI, so they do what they can to find a better life for their family. This guy may become the father of 6 very quickly!

and he would actually welcome that. He is looking for a very young bride though so who knows. He will not turn her down if she has a young child.

He is also a counselor in the prison, go figure He was left with a big 4,000 sq.ft home and we live in a great neighborhood. He is a nice guy just a little strange but guess in order to do this you need to be a little different to start with.

I can't wait to meet her !!! my curiosity is more on the nosey side however. He has not to many friends and because she will be my neighbor and he will for sure ask us to meet her.

I am not a nosey neighbor and our neighbors are all great but in this case one can't help but to be nosey

He is soooo excited and he was talking about her like it was no big deal or any different than going to the store and getting "Take Out"

 

[graygables]

I heard through the grapevine that my ex picked up a "mail order" bride. It came as no surprise to me as he was abusive in every single way and was probably looking for someone who would be submissive. I later learned that they had a DD together and that child was taken away by CPS (my guess is he was molesting her, just like he did with my DD). After that, the woman left the country (don't know if the DD went along since she was removed from both of their care). He did finally find another wife, but this one is an American (with no DDs ,thank heaven!)

 

[Honu]

My best friend's grandfather had a Filipino mail order bride. He was in his late sixties and he fathered 2 children with her. Then she divorced him, got his house and they learned she had been taking money from his accounts for years. He died about 5 years ago and the majority of his estate was left in trust to the minor children for their care and schooling. The ex wants control of the money though, instead of having it doled out by the trustee, so it's still in probate court.

Recently a single older guy moved into our neighborhood. He apparently was thrown out of his home by his mail order bride too.

I wish your strange neighbor luck.

 

[chyam]

I worked with a guy who did this several years ago, He was 60 and she was 30........at the time I told him as a 40 year old woman I wouldn't want a 60 year old and did he realize that when she was 10 he was 40 and he would have been arrested! These guys are just looking for a slave, they think these foreign women will do everything for them, they want them young so they can forefil some fantasy that they themselves can't even forefill anymore. I also knew a Dr. who got one from Russia, I told him it simply amazes me that you guys will date an American woman for years and never speak of marriage but you go to a foreign country meet someone and propose marriage in less than 2 weeks to someone who can't even speak the language........says alot doesn't it! They get what they deserve and as others have said most of the time it ends badly.

 

["Got Disney"]

I will be sure to try to look for signs of abuse on both ends. You know that these woman are not looking for love. They are looking for money and to live in america.

I am not compleatly sure what his method of madness is except that he does want children in a bad way. When he married the wife(who was even stranger than him) he just divorced they went into the partnership not wanting children. She stayed that way and he did not.

I have not seen such a bad mid life crises before.... seems to me it would be cheeper to just get a sports car

I was lucky and got away cheep, my Dh just went and got a couple Tatoos to get him through it. He had always wanted a TAT.

 

[Camicar]

This guy may become the father of 6 very quickly!

This was revealed only after 10 years of marriage. He also found out that his bride was 10 years older than she had told him.

I think what upset him the most was the deception AND the fact that in the time they'd been together she had chosen not to see her 6 other children again in order to keep him in the dark about it. It made him see her in a totally new and negative light bec he just couldn't comprehend a mother choosing not to see her own children. I think intellectually he understood the desperation of poverty, but emotionally he started to wonder if she would so easily abandon him and the two children they had together if he ever lost his money.

But IMO, a mail order marriage is essentially a business transaction and he should never have thought otherwise. A woman is agreeing to give a man the use of her body and service in exchange for economic security. Period. To expect anything more is to delude yourself -- which IMO is what a lot of these guys are doing, deluding themselves into thinking that emotional dependence comes along with economic dependence. After all, they choose these mail order brides bec they don't want an independent woman, so should it be any surprise when they get a woman who is desperate for a way out and due to her culture can only find that way out thru selling herself to a man?

 

["Got Disney"]

This was revealed only after 10 years of marriage. He also found out that his bride was 10 years older than she had told him.

I think what upset him the most was the deception AND the fact that in the time they'd been together she had chosen not to see her 6 other children again in order to keep him in the dark about it. It made him see her in a totally new and negative light bec he just couldn't comprehend a mother choosing not to see her own children. I think intellectually he understood the desperation of poverty, but emotionally he started to wonder if she would so easily abandon him and the two children they had together if he ever lost his money.

But IMO, a mail order marriage is essentially a business transaction and he should never have thought otherwise. A woman is agreeing to give a man the use of her body and service in exchange for economic security. Period. To expect anything more is to delude yourself -- which IMO is what a lot of these guys are doing, deluding themselves into thinking that emotional dependence comes along with economic dependence. After all, they choose these mail order brides bec they don't want an independent woman, so should it be any surprise when they get a woman who is desperate for a way out and due to her culture can only find that way out thru selling herself to a man?

this is so true