My mother is trying to take over....

[Bobbyzgirl]

our trip to Disney and I am trying not to get really angry!

When I was a child, we went to Disney every few years and my mother planned our trips and we even called her the "general". She was in charge and she planned almost every minute of our day... *sigh*

Now fast forward to 2008 - I am an adult, 39, with my own family and we are going on our first trip to Disney with our children DS (7) and DS (5). My parents are coming us and we were thrilled they wanted to come BUT my mother is getting increasingly worse about the "planning" of our trip.

She wants to "map out" exactly what we are going to do each day (each minute) and my husband and I are much more "laid back" people. We want our children to enjoy themselves and just "live in the moment". Yes, we do have certain definative plans (ie:"Stich" lunch, certain days for certain parks, etc). but we do not want to plan every moment and "rush" the boys through because we are running 5 minutes behind. know what I mean?

Last night she called to tell me that we would only be going to the park from opeing hour until about 11:30 am. Then we could leave and go have lunch, go swimming at the hotel etc. and maybe come back around 4:00. I nicely explained that we want to spend all day at the park (unless DS 5 gets too tired) and she got mad! I have tried to say, "well mom, if you do not want to do that then why don't you and dad meet up with us later" and that did not go over well either. It seems that I have to agree with her to make her happy and that is NOT going to happen.

How do I (without hurting her feelings) get her to back off? I am afraid she is going to ruin this vacation before we even get there! My husband and I are regretting ever planning this vacation with them and I hate feeling that way about my parents.

any advise? has anyone been through this?

 

[JerJan]

My solution....Your an ADULT....show her exactly what you have written here and that should do the trick....it's called "TOUGH LOVE"!

 

[KayLuvsMickey]

I know how you feel. I have been on vacation with my in-laws lots of times. You just need to lovingly tell your mother that this vacation is about the kids and not about the "adults".

Also, you could maybe say, "Mom, you did such a great job planning trips when I was a child, I would love the chance to plan one for YOU!"

 

[Rylee]

Keep trying to explain to her that you are willing to make some plans... dinner reservations, certain parks on certain days, etc., but that it is very important to you and your family to be able to relax and discover the magic at your own pace.

Stress to her... if there is something she would like to do that differs from your plans, you really want her to enjoy her experience and she does not have to follow you around all day, you can just meet up later.

Everyone had different vacationing styles, just keep trying to reach her by telling her you are glad they can experience Disney with you and your children, however, you would like this vacation to be more spontaneous and less scheduled.

Good Luck.

 

[LilGMom]

I have to agree with JerJan. You are an adult, this is your vacation with your DH & kids so you need to plan your days as if your parents aren't going. Are they staying with you in the same room/suite? Are they eating TS meals with you? If they aren't staying with you in the same room then at the beginning of the day, or at the end of the previous day, tell them that they have the ADR list, you are going to such-n-such park and you'll catch them later. I would suggest that you tell your mother now that you are going to do what you want and when you want. Since you have young kids you have to take a much more relaxed attitude towards touring the parks and kinda go by their lead on some things.

We have gone with my ILs before and first trip they were literally attached to our hips and nobody had any fun. Well the kids loved having their grandparents with us but the ILs didn't like waiting in lines for the characters, riding Buzz over and over and over, etc. The next trip with them we made to give them a list of the ADRs, times and confirmation numbers, told them what park we would be at each day and asked them to not be late for the ADrs. Then we went on our merry way and a good time was had by all.

Good luck. I'm afraid that nothing you say short of "Go ahead and plan everything Mom" will offend your mother.

 

[nascar-j]

Your mom sounds very similar to mine. She has to have things her way.

I'm a decade older than you and it took until my early 30's before I just told my mom the way I was going to run my life.

Here's how I'd handle it now... I'd tell my mom that she is more than welcome to plan her own trip the way she wants it, BUT you are going to plan the vacation you and your family want. She (they) are more than welcome to do as many things together but she will not be scheduling your whole trip.

As far as the not hurting her feeling part, I don't know if that can be done. You know your mom. Sometimes that's what it takes to get through though.

I stopped doing "family" vacations with my parents about 15 years ago for the exact reasons you posted. I enjoy vacation time MUCH better now.

j

 

[Bobbyzgirl]

Thanks for all the advise! It is nice to know that I am not the only one that has a mom like mine out there! LOL!

I love her dearly but she likes to "be in charge" and takes it way too far sometimes. I do not want to go as far as calling her a control freak, but really damn close. I thought by giving up some of the planning to her, it would make her feel good but she just doesn't know where to stop I guess. She is now holding our plane tickets, disney passes and car rental info...because it will be "safer" with her. *sigh* (I am adult - have a family, run my own house, hold a job and I am certainly capable of holding my own travel items!)

We are staying in the same place (their time share) and we have adjoining rooms. We had planned on eating together and spending most of the time together but now I am not sure. I do not want this vacation to turn out bad but my husband and I are already worried that she won't be able to control her "need to be in charge".

I have explained to both my parents that we would be going to the parks every other day (we have a 4 day park hopper ticket) and relax at the pool the other days. I figured when we are at the parks, we would gauge how much we can do depending on how much my 5 year old can take. I know it will be overwhelming to both our boys and I figure we would just take it as it comes.

I love to plan like the next person but not ever minute of every day...

 

[PEANUT1]

I planned a trip for 13 in my family in 2005 and it is hard pleasing everyone.

Are your parents footing the bill for the trip? If they are providing the accomodations they may feel entitled to be bossy about it. If this is the case,perhaps offer to pay for part of it. I would try to separate as much as you could while you are there. Family time is great, but everyones touring style is different. My BIL is very laid back and slow in terms of vacationing where as we are more like "go go go". After a day or 2 of being annoyed that we had to wait for him, we just started saying " we'll meet you at the park, give us a buzz when you want to meet up". It worked out pretty well. \

Try not to stress too much...it would be a shame to ruin your trip before you even get there

 

[stitchlover]

It is so nice for me to read threads like this and find out I'm not alone when it comes to my mother! She is also a bit of a control freak and I know that's hard to handle. This is why I don't vacation with my family.

I do agree with one of the PP it is important that you lay out the guidelines before you even arrive or you will all be miserable. Or you will reach a point in your trip that your husband has had enough and he lays it out for her!

Just be patient and calm BUT do have a conversation with her before you leave!

 

[HappyCamper87]

I agree with what most have said in their replies.

Explain to your mother that she should give you a copy of her "schedule" and you will then let her know which meals, shows and parks you will be definitely be adding to your itenary.

Spend the rest of the time doing what each of you would like. If it's the same thing great. If not, you have discussed it and she should understand that you won't be spending every waking minute together. Try to tell her in a way that she believes you are looking out for her best interest.

I hope you can work it out. I am planning on doing more vacations with my parents and I know there will be kinks but at least when they are gone I can say I spent some quality time with them and they with our kids.

Good Luck.

 

[Bobbyzgirl]

i hope I am not coming off as ungrateful. I really do love my parents, I just am concerned about the possible promblem that may arise because my mother is too controlling.

Peanut1 ~ no, my husband and I are definately paying for everything ourselves and already have. The only thing we did not pay for was our Disney passes and they were a Christmas gift.

HappyCamper87 ~ I agree and I really want this vacation to be wonderful (especially for my children). I know that most of my happiest memories as a child were vacations spent with my grandparents. (I still remember Briar Fox chasing my grandmother around Disney and patting her on the bum with his cane! ).

I think I will give my mother a list (as someone suggested) of all the things we are planning to do and explain that if they want to come, great. If not, we will meet up with them later. Hubby and I just want this trip to be magical for our boys

You have all been so helpful! Thank you all so much

 

[grumpalina]

a phrase that works really well for us is "our family...." it helps to set a clear boundary without too much trouble. we have some friends who do things very differently from us. we just start a sentence with "in our family, we....." it gets the point across that YOUR family unit is it's own, separate entity. your parents don't need to be with you every second of every day- everyone will be miserable!

good luck- i hope the trip goes well!

 

[TallyTutter]

She is now holding our plane tickets, disney passes and car rental info...because it will be "safer" with her. *sigh* (I am adult - have a family, run my own house, hold a job and I am certainly capable of holding my own travel items!)

We are staying in the same place (their time share) and we have adjoining rooms. We had planned on eating together and spending most of the time together but now I am not sure. I do not want this vacation to turn out bad but my husband and I are already worried that she won't be able to control her "need to be in charge".

Bless your heart. My advice is pray for patience.

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

our trip to Disney and I am trying not to get really angry!

When I was a child, we went to Disney every few years and my mother planned our trips and we even called her the "general". She was in charge and she planned almost every minute of our day... *sigh*

Now fast forward to 2008 - I am an adult, 39, with my own family and we are going on our first trip to Disney with our children DS (7) and DS (5). My parents are coming us and we were thrilled they wanted to come BUT my mother is getting increasingly worse about the "planning" of our trip.

She wants to "map out" exactly what we are going to do each day (each minute) and my husband and I are much more "laid back" people. We want our children to enjoy themselves and just "live in the moment". Yes, we do have certain definative plans (ie:"Stich" lunch, certain days for certain parks, etc). but we do not want to plan every moment and "rush" the boys through because we are running 5 minutes behind. know what I mean?

Last night she called to tell me that we would only be going to the park from opeing hour until about 11:30 am. Then we could leave and go have lunch, go swimming at the hotel etc. and maybe come back around 4:00. I nicely explained that we want to spend all day at the park (unless DS 5 gets too tired) and she got mad! I have tried to say, "well mom, if you do not want to do that then why don't you and dad meet up with us later" and that did not go over well either. It seems that I have to agree with her to make her happy and that is NOT going to happen.

How do I (without hurting her feelings) get her to back off? I am afraid she is going to ruin this vacation before we even get there! My husband and I are regretting ever planning this vacation with them and I hate feeling that way about my parents.

any advise? has anyone been through this?

I, to this day at almost 45 yr. old have a very difficult time dealing with confrontations with my mother. I was raised to be respectful of my elders and that includes my mother. I am sure you want to have the trip you want and not hurt your mom's feelings. So, I suggest you put together a simple spreadsheet of what your tentative plans are for each day that you are planning to be there, and give it to your mom. Let her choose how she wants to fit in. Remind her that this is your kids trip as well, and you want to give them the trip that they will remember. If your mom wants to go back to the hotel and swim, then tell her to go and relax have a great afternoon and you'll see her later at dinner. Good Luck, I hope it all works out for you!!! Oh, and have a great trip!!!!

 

[kwlsh]

Hi, I think all of the advice you have gotten is great. The only thing I thought might help is if you really stress to her that Disney is about the children, your children, and you are making the days at the parks as fun as possible for them. If long days at the park are too much for them then just try to explain you understand that they may want to leave to rest in the afternoon and you can pick a time/place to meet later. Also, tell her since this is your children's first time you want to spend as much time as you can at the parks on the days you have the passes. Hope this helps!!

 

[Hunny]

You definitly need to set boundries. How about telling her that she can plan 1 day of the vacation and y'all do whatever she plans but the rest is up to you. That way she still feels helpful and you don't feel the need to leave her on space mountain and run away!
Stick to your guns now, because if she starts planning it now when you get there will only be worse. Then your children will have to go through what you did. Besides, she's ya mom, if she gets mad, she will get over it as soon as y'all get to Disney!!!

 

[thomasclan85]

My solution....Your an ADULT....show her exactly what you have written here and that should do the trick....it's called "TOUGH LOVE"!

I agree 100%. YOU'RE the mom now and YOUR turn to be the 'general'.

 

[LauraAnn630]

I will admit when we went with my parents, brother and his family it was NOT good.

Then we went with DH parents to make it even and it was NOT good.

We will never go with anyone again. That was like 10 grand+ down the drain.

Lessons learned.

Good luck and I hope it goes better for you!

 

[N&B'smom]

I think you should take her to lunch or something and talk. Explain to her that this is YOUR Disney trip and she is along for the ride. If she wants to plan everything than she should most likely plan on doing it with your dad and not the whole group.

You also need to tell her that she needs to hand over all of the important travel stuff that you said she was holding. You are an adult and should be in charge of all of that.

I was pleasantly surprised when my parents tagged along with us on more than one Disney trip. I fully expected a similar problem to what you're having, but instead they were great. They just did whatever we wanted to do. One night they wanted to go to Epcot for dinner, we didn't so we went our separate ways. It was perfectly fine!!

I think you just need to REALLY lay it all out for her. Let her know that this is YOUR trip and you are entitled to plan it however you see fit!

Shelby

 

[RNtheRN]

Ever think about the use of an tranquilizing dart?