MY mother is in the final stages of lung cancer

Discussion in 'Coping and Compassion' started by bluejasmine, Jan 25, 2018.

  1. bluejasmine

    bluejasmine DIS Veteran

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    Hospice was called in right before Christmas, mom has had to take lots of pain meds and morphine and of course that messes with her mind, she hallucinates and her personality changes.

    Today was a decent day, she has care takers and when my husband and I came today he noticed that she is now jaundice. Her caretaker thats experienced in this said its part of the progression of the disease.
    I sit here a bowl seeing her suffer is so hard, its literally hard to make myself go and see her bc I struggle the entire time not to break down in front of her. I feel guilty I have been planning my DH and I anniversary in Disney in Sept, Ive actually used all the planning as a coping method but Im starting to think I was/am hiding behind it, bc accepting my last parent will be gone, the only blood family I have (besides my grown kids)

    Im scared bc I feel like Ill be alone, I know I have my husband but it isnt the same?

    We had already started to get the financial part all squared away, mom even had me go to the funeral home she chose and go ahead and set up the funeral, that was... I dont even know how to describe what is was like to pick out a coffin for my still living mother. I had all three of her insurance policies now I dont know where I put them, Im bad for that

    I lost a son in Sept 2016, my dad in 1999, my first husband ( we were divorced in the mid 90s) in 2011, second husband in 2016 (we were also divorced long time) I dont think I can take anymore loss..

    My husband is my best friend, my soulmate and a heavy smoker, my mom is dying of lung cancer, so I worry for him.

    I was recently diagnosed with Hashimoto Disease, insulin resistance but not diabetic and my body isnt making cortisol so Im exhausted, weak and cry at the drop of hat.

    I am very thankful for the Disney trip we have planned, Ill really need it, WE will really need it but first Im going to go through hell..

    I appreciate everyones time and it felt a little good to type it out and vent, I didnt mean to be a complainer or wallow in self pity, most of all Im scared
     
  2. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    Sorry to hear about your mother. It has got to be the worst thing to see someone you love be taken down by lung cancer. It's really amazing what the body can handle.

    I know it's hard, but you need to make sure to take care of yourself and find something each day that can take you to a happy place. If planning a Disney trip is what does it, then go for it. Not knowing your mother at all, but I'm sure she loves you and wants you to be happy and not broken down with guilt.
     
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  4. mommasita

    mommasita DIS VETERAN Moderator

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    I’m so sorry. Words are inadequate at these times.

    You are not a complainer. You have been through SO much loss , and sadly I know what you are feeling.

    I agree with Christine , your Mother would not want you feeling guilty, so take the small pleasures yo can in planning and looking forward to your trip.

    Losing your Mother is so difficult, I remember reading somewhere it is the first time we cry without our Mothers to cry to, and tell us all will be ok,

    Write here anytime. pm me if you like, sadly I’m not on as much , I’m still trying to find my way. I send you so much love.
     
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  5. Zim

    Zim Meow meow

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    I empathize... my mother died of lung cancer 12 years ago at age 55... and we just lost my aunt, her youngest sister, to the same cancer at age 57 two weeks ago (she was 12 when I was born so she was more of a sister than an aunt to me). One sister quit smoking after my mom passed away and she seems to have dodged that bullet, but my other aunt's life was too stressful to quit. On the other hand I have a 92 year old friend who has smoked her entire life and just keeps on truckin, so genetics have a lot of say.

    And try not to suffer survivor's guilt -- a mom wants their kids to be happy. My biggest regret was putting off letting my DD6, at the time, travel with my folks for long trips (they had sold all their worldly belongings and bought an RV to permanently be vagabonds :) I told her when my daughter was 9 I'd let them take her, before that I was too much a worrywart about having her away for such a long time. So much for that.... I did plan a Disney cruise after my mom lost her battled - it was a light during a dark time, to be cliche.

    I also moved to a bigger house afterward so my dad could live with me, but he was never the same without her and wound down over the course of the next 6 years. After he passed it was much harder and I learned that panic attacks are a real thing. A lorazepam prescription helped until I calmed down, and now I'm doing okay... I feel the most for my daughter who has lost three grandparents, an aunt, an uncle and well, just way more death than I ever experienced at her age.

    I can't, however, imagine the loss of a child, I don't know how I could handle that. I hope the amount of loss you have suffered doesn't keep you from enjoying life and the people you still have around you. You're in my thoughts, it's not a pleasant time, cancer is a horrid thing... lean on the people around you, remember the good times and try to get that hubby of yours to quit ;) maybe he's got iron lungs like my 92 year old friend!!
     
  6. loves to dive

    loves to dive DIS Veteran

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    I'm sorry you are going through that but you can handle it. My Daddy died of lung cancer, my honey was actually out smoking the moment Daddy took his last breath (he died at home) and I had to go find honey to tell him Daddy had died. We had a dive trip booked to Bonaire the next week, it was too late to get a refund and my brothers all told me to go, Daddy was dead and not a thing I could do, they would take care of Mama. One of my brothers and I had actually been to the funeral home to make arrangements in advance the day before, we didn't know it was going to be so quick but I was glad it was taken care of. I had power of attorney for both my parents (my Mama had Lupus) so I discussed it with Mama and we decided not to have a funeral since it was really just us kids and a few relatives who would have gone anyway. The trip was a blessing because it helped take my mind off it, I was a Daddy's girl being the only girl with 5 older brothers.

    My mama lasted another 5 or so years but she was sick and not able to take care of herself. The last few months she lived at home one of my brothers and his wife moved to town to live with her and help take care of her since she needed someone in the room with her 24/7. She was on hospice and the last month we had to move her into a facility because we all had full time jobs and it was taking a toll on us trying to care for her. Again, I made the arrangements when we moved her so it was all taken care of. She died a few days after Honey's birthday and a week before our anniversary so we took a trip to Florida just to get away. We didn't have a funeral for her either, just family over to the house if they wanted to come.

    Both my parents were creamated, one of my brothers scattered Daddy's ashes about a week after he died, I just couldn't be around for it. We had Mama's ashes here at our house for about a year, I just couldn't bring myself to scatter them. Honey picked them up for me and hid them so I never knew where they were so it wouldn't creep me out. Funny story when we finally did scatter them, my brother who had been living with her came with us, we went up to where she was from to do it. I couldn't do it so my brother did and big ole strong wind came right when he opened them and flew some of them on him. Freaked him out, we had to go to the grocery store and buy a bottle of wine to get drunk on (small north Ga town the only place to buy any) they didn't have a cork screw and I didn't have one in my car (always have one now) so he had to use his pocket knife to push the cork down into the bottle. The motel didn't even have plastic cups so we just sat there in the room and passed the bottle back and forth. Gave us a good giggle and we knew Mama would have laughed.
     
  7. 720L

    720L DIS Veteran

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    My grandma died of lung cancer so I understand what you are experiencing. The morphine makes them say crazy things. I also could barely speak when I was near her because she looked terrible & acted strange. Please know she died peacefully in the end. So sorry you have to go through this.
     
  8. mommasita

    mommasita DIS VETERAN Moderator

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    Just checking in to see how you are, as well as your mother. Lots of love xo
     
  9. oufpat

    oufpat Mouseketeer

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    I feel your pain. We returned from our first Disney Cruise on 9/17, then my "healthy" 92 yo mom, who was independent and lived alone, was discovered to have a lg chest mass on a chest X-ray this past September 22. Cat scan showed it spread all over. The alert, independent person that she was, decided against aggressive treatment. Said she had a good life and was OK with what was coming.
    Even though she declined on a daily basis, she spent the next several weeks putting her affairs in order, arranged her funeral, said her goodbyes to her 5 living sisters, kids, grand-kids and great grandkids. She then decided she was going to join my deceased dad on his 90th birthday which was Nov 7, and she did! She passed away the night of Nov 7. She was lucky, only needed pain meds the last 24 hours. I miss her every day. My sisters and I are glad we had the opportunity to spend so much time with her at the end. I will keep your Mom and you in my prayers.
     

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