My dad knows about Roger (and I didn't tell him)

[jfulcer]

Originally posted by honeywolf7
Oh, well if that was the question then the answer is he wouldn't disown his grandchildren (just me). I would still allow him to see them as long as he didn't start teaching his bigoted ideas to them.

Unfortunately, I think that if he did 'disown' you, it would be your children also, IMHO. Much as want your children to have a relationship with their grandfather, his bigoted ways are going to be expressed to them. How can you explain that he loves them and wants to be with them when he doesn't love you (mommy) and couldn't love Roger?

It's sad that it may come down to cutting off ties entirely, but if he's unwilling to see Roger for who he is, I can't see him being anything but bigoted with your kids around too.

And again, here's where you're going to walking a fine line, you CAN'T use his grandkids in this arguement. Stay away from lines like "You won't see your grandkids because you won't see Roger". That makes your children pawns, and even more problems for all. You, your children and Roger need to be a package deal, a 'family' ('it's little, and broken, but mine' to quote a cute little alien) the he would see together, not separate parts.

 

[SilverLily]

What happens if your father disowns you? Would you still be allowed to spend the night at your parents' house when your kids are with you?

I would never want someone so bigoted in my life, but at the same time, if you don't have anywhere else to go when you have the kids, you may have to just put up with him for awhile until you can get a place of your own.

 

[honeywolf7]

Silverlily, I would keep them at my apartment if I had to. Thanks for the advice, Jeff.

 

[mamajoan]

Ok.. I am 43, white and grew up in the rural midwest, in 1978 I fell in love with a black man who attended the same college I did (300miles away from home) when I finally told my parents about this man, both my parents were horrified and told me they would disown me. Circumstances became worse.. very bad, long story and deeply personal.. but it came down to the fact that they would not accept my love for this man. WE WERE DISOWNED AND TREATED HORRIBLY BY MY FAMILY! I spoke to the priest at the University, he said something that has become my creed. YOU ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS.. NOT THE ACTIONS OR REACTIONS OF OTHERS. CONTINUE TO LOVE YOUR PARENTS AND TRY TO KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN. I did this, I married the man I loved, we celebrated our 22nd anniversary this past August. I never stopped calling my parents, I let them spew hateful stuff, ignorant stuff, but finally my mom came around. It took my dad 10 years to allow my dh into his home. The nicest thing my dad ever said to me was " Don't let him go Joan, He is a good man." Did my dad EVER apologize? NOPE!! do I love him any less-NOPE. I treated my dh with respect, my parents with respect, I stood up for my husband. I told everyone involved that I would not choose between them. and it was wrong for my family to ask that I do that... Yes it hurt, Yes there were many, many tears. Both my parents have passed away. My dh was with me at both their funnerals. My mom loved him dearly. My dad learned to care for dh a great deal, to be honest I feel that my dad did love my dh. Life is not fair... repeat that loudly LIFE IS NOT FAIR!
but YOUR LIFE IS WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO MAKE IT!
My dh and I have experienced many blessings and many losses during our lives. WE chose to be together many, many years ago. Racism lives in every corner of America. We choose to let it not pull us apart, we choose not to let it worry us, we choose to tell our children that they are the BEST of both races. We choose not to walk around with a chip on our shoulder -being a bi-racial family. Everyone who knows us.. knows who JOAN AND BARRY really are.. they do not define us as "THE MIXED COUPLE".
Make your choices wisely and with pure heart. God Bless.
oh and by the way.. Roger deserves to know EVERYTHING that has ANYTHING to do with him.

 

[CookieGVB]

Wonderful post, Joan. Congrats to you both on 22 years!! Ya gotta love a man named BARRY!

 

[honeywolf7]

Thank you, Joan. Can I ask whether you would tell him over the phone or in person in my situation since you've been through a lot of the same things that I will be going through (the one bright spot for me is that as long as he makes me happy, my mom doesn't care whether he's white, black, or purple with pink polka dots.)

 

[Saffron]

Great post momajoan!!!!

 

[JohnTBap]

Joan that was awesome.

 

[mamajoan]

Whew... it is difficult to post personal things on a public board.
I chose to tell the basic story because I think HW7 could benefit from my experience. There are so many little details, woes and worries, joys and celebrations that make up everyone's life. Thanks for the support my Dis friends.

I have to tell you I was only 20 when I got married. Dh was 21.
We were bold, but we had been thru so much strife and utter loss between the ages of 18-20 that we held on tight to one another. It is important to be SURE of what you want and NEED in life.
I believe in complete honesty between partners. You will need to have a strong relationship with Roger to be able withstand the storm. You should be able to lay your cards on the table and discuss the situation directly. Phone or in person.. to me it makes no matter.. just tell him directly. Deal with his response, you need to know what direction this relationship is heading. I feel you also need to be a strong, independent woman BEFORE you become a strong partner. jmho.

 

[honeywolf7]

Thanks, Joan. Believe it or not, though, in this relationship I am the strong partner. I am the backbone of the relationship. Roger is there to be a shoulder to cry on if I need him, but I have supported him through a great deal as well.

 

[Rajah]

Nothing really to add to the advice you've gotten here (some very good advice, too, IMHO), other than to say that if I were in your situation, I'd tell Rodger in person next time you got together.

*HUGS*

 

[mamajoan]

HW7- glad to hear that you can be strong for your partner! Woman need to be strong for themselves. You are young and have dealt with many issues. Be strong, Be smart, love and you shall be loved. Have a FABULOUS 2003!
Take care!

 

[honeywolf7]

Thank you, mamajoan