My dad knows about Roger (and I didn't tell him)

[honeywolf7]

Basically, Thom knew about Roger. He and my dad got into an argument on Christmas Eve and as they were fighting back and forth, Thom thought of the thing that would hurt my dad the most. He told my dad that I'm dating a black guy. My dad is still talking to me but won't tell me what was said during the fight. He just says we'll talk about it later. Thom told me this morning what was said. I guess it saved me the worry of being the one to bring it up, but I'm scared. I don't know whether I should tell Roger that my dad knows or not.

 

[Robinrs]

Thom thought of the thing that would hurt my dad the most. He told my dad that I'm dating a black guy.

The shame is that with all we have to go through in life THIS is the thing that can hurt him the most.... and that I had to read this the day after Christmas.

 

[honeywolf7]

Robin, well that's how big of a jerk my father is. Believe me, I had a mixture of relief and fear when Thom told me dad knew. I was going to tell him by next Christmas anyway. Roger is my soul mate and souls know no color. I don't care what other people think about us.

 

[Saffron]

I guess it saved me from being the one to bring it up, but I'm scared.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you scared of?

 

[honeywolf7]

Saffron, my dad told me when I was nine that if I ever brought home a "black guy", he'd have nothing more to do with me. Roger has questioned me in the past about what my dad would do if I married him. I know that there's going to be a big argument with my dad and I know that if he doesn't "disown" me immediately, I'll have a choice to make. I know what choice I'll make but that doesn't mean I really want to make it.

 

[Lucky4me]

Personally, If he wouldn't accept him, I'd say see ya later Pops, have a nice life! And never look back. Nothing to be afraid of HW, you're a big girl now. You've been married, had two children and now are going through a divorce. Why be afraid of Daddy??

 

[honeywolf7]

Lucky4Me, I guess that's what I'm going to do. But I've always wanted my dad to be proud of me. I didn't want to be like his other four kids who he never talks to. I'm going to follow my heart on this, though.

 

[Saffron]

Honeywolf -- when I was a young woman, I bought my first house. I was so thrilled to have, as a single woman, bought a house. Prior to buying my house, my father told me that he would disown me if I bought a house in "that neighborhood". It was in the "wrong" neighborhood according to him. It has nothing to do with race, but everything to do with economics. It was in a rather run down, poverty stricken neighborhood. So, he said he would disown me if I went through with plans to buy in that neighborhood. As an adult, a grown woman of 23, all I could say to him was, "Oh well. I'm sorry you feel that way. I won't disown you." Period. End of discussion. It's not easy to say that to a parent, but we all have to, at sometime in our lives, be an adult and live our own lives. Did my father disown me? Yup! He told me I wasn't welcome in his house anymore, nor was I allowed to see "his wife." That would be my mother! What a joke! I stayed my ground, went to visit my mother whenever I felt like it and talked to my father even though he refused to acknowledge my presence. I often talked to the back of his head. Each thime I left my parents home, I told each of them I loved them. Anyway, after 4 or 5 months of that childish behavior, my father came around. He even signed to be the owner of the house for me.

Had I buckled and done what he wanted me to do, under his terms, I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't be true to myself. It's time to stand up for yourself and do what you believe in. No, sometimes it's not easy, but it's your life, you need to lead it the way you want to lead it.

If someone scares you just because they will disown you over something like race, that they would judge someone by their looks instead of by who they are, oh well, let them do so, they only hurt themselves. Wish them well, love them and move on. Don't let others "scare" you into a life you don't want to lead, even for a short period of time (meaning the next few days, or months). My best advise to you would to be to lead your own life, not someone else's. Stand up for what you believe in, and that to me sounds like Roger.

Good luck to you.

 

[Chattyaholic]

If he's not on speaking terms with four out of five of his children, then it's obvious HE is the one with the problem. It's HIS choice if he no longer speaks to you if you marry Roger. Don't miss out on love and true happiness by NOT marrying Roger just to make your Dad happy. If you love Roger and want to be with him, don't let your Dad stand in your way. It's sad that your Dad is the way he is, but HE is the one who will have to answer for it in the end, not YOU.

 

[honeywolf7]

Okay, so should I let Roger know that dad knows and if so, should I let him know in person or just mention it in passing over the phone? Like I said, I've made my choice. And by the way, Roger hasn't actually proposed...it was just a question that came up last month about what my dad would do if I married an African-American man. He has called me his "lady", his "best friend", and his "girl" but I don't know if he really is considering marriage (considering that I told him a couple of months ago that I couldn't care less about ever getting married again.)

 

[Saffron]

Okay, this is just my point of view and my opinion, but if my father were a racist, I wouldn't care one flying leap if I made him proud or not when it came to matters of race or of the heart.

And only you can answer the question about how and when to tell Roger, honeywolf. It's your relationship. We don't know Roger or how the issue of your father or race has affected your relationship. Like I said before, good luck to you.

 

[honeywolf7]

Well, my dad is something that he brings up a lot. When I asked him how his Christmas was this morning and he asked how mine was. I said "It was okay....it would have been better if you were there." He said "If I was there? I don't think your dad would have appreciated that." I almost told him that my dad knows about him at that point.
Saffron, I guess I honestly just have to make a choice between the two relationships. Roger treats me better than my dad ever has. I also question whether my father truly loves me if who I'm dating would make that big of a difference to him.

 

[Chuck S]

HW, I'm sorry for your circumstances. Yes, I'd tell Roger that your Dad knows, he'll find out anyway sooner or later...and Roger isn't the one with the problem. As for your father, if he disowns you (yes, I have seen it happen over a similar situation), it will be his loss. It's a shame in todays world that parents will totally disown children because of whom they find to love and share their lives with.

 

[Mskanga]

Becki first of all , tell Roger in person, not over the phone. Second if your dad does not speak to any of his other 4 children , what does that tell you? and third you have to live your life, not your dad. Do what you think is right for you and IF you make a mistake, let it be YOUR mistake. Follow your heart and as long as he's good to you and the children , who cares about race, if your father doesn't get over that , then I guess he's not much of a father, is he? JMHO

 

[CookieGVB]

How was your kids' Christmas? Were they with you?

Sounds like Roger already knows your father won't be happy - you should just tell him that your father already knows, but you don't care. You're an adult - so's your father - he'll get over it or not, but it's your life.

How do your kids feel about this? That would be the more important issue, IMHO.

 

[honeywolf7]

Cookie, my kids were with me on Christmas Eve. My dad and Thom got in their argument after my parents dropped me off at home. My dad took the kids to Thom and the argument started from something silly.
The kids are only 5 and 3. They don't care who I date as long as I'm happy and he treats them well. Roger bought them Christmas presents even though he hasn't gotten to meet them yet.

 

[wvjules]

How do your kids feel about this? That would be the more important issue, IMHO.

The kids are only 5 and 3. They don't care who I date as long as I'm happy and he treats them well.

I may be wrong, but I think she was asking how the kids would feel if their grandfather disowned you and never saw their grandfather again.

 

[honeywolf7]

Oh, well if that was the question then the answer is he wouldn't disown his grandchildren (just me). I would still allow him to see them as long as he didn't start teaching his bigoted ideas to them.

 

[Saffron]

Saffron, I guess I honestly just have to make a choice between the two relationships.

The only choice you have to make honeywolf, is how to live your life, you don't have to chose between men. It seems to me your father is the one that has to make a choice. He can choose to accept you for who you are and who you love, or not. You don't have to stop loving one for the other, or choose one over the other, just don't let ANYONE choose what your life should be. Don't let someone scare you because you choose to live a different life than they would.

 

[honeywolf7]

Saffron, that makes me feel better. What would really make me feel better is a big hug from Roger but of all days for him to let his mom use his car, he chose today. I've decided to tell him in person that dad knows.