My precious dd would have been 4 on February 28. Each year as the date approaches I feel sadness and depression hit like a vegence. I miss her so very much and needed to put my emotions and feelings to words. Thank you anyone who takes the time to read this. In August of '02 we received the exciting news that we were expecting our second child after false negatives which saddened me thoroughly. I took a home pregnancy test, I was pregnant, went to dr. and they gave me a urine test, I was not pregnant but come back in a week and we'll test you again incase it is a false neg. but that doesn't happen very often. I was so upset and could not believe that their test was correct, I ran our and bought another test the very same day and took it the next morning, I was pregnant. DH knew how upset I was and went with me for the next test, the lab tech, the nuirse and the dr came out to congradulate us, they knew we wanted to be pregnant and have a second child. It was a miserable pregnancy, I was sick with pnemonia for the first tri-mester on and off antibiotic because my high risk obgyn and gp didn't want to do anything the cause problems with the baby, I was always treated with low doses of antibiotics. The pnemo was so severe I could not walk our hallway at home with out becoming seriously winded, so no work for me, in fact no nothing, but you have to eat regularly beause of gestional diabetes and that was the last thing I wanted to do. Finally I'm cleared to work in the middle of January. I was back to work for less than a week, had a dr appt not obgyn, fell while holding dd (18 months) right on my stomach. Called the ob gyn, he was out of town go to the hospital to be monitored. Baby looked good, but blood pressure was off the charts, we'll need to keep you. After the covering dr came to see me, he said my dr ( a specialist) was gone for 3 weeks and his practice was unable to care for my needs and I would need to go by ambulance to a hospital one and a half hours away that specializes in high risk prgnancies and has a wonderful NICU. If my baby delivered she would be 14 weeks early, not an option. I was hospitalized for almost a month far from home, dh came to see me almost daily, and brought dd to see me 2-3 times a week, I did a lot of crying, but all of this was worth it to give our dd every possible chance. It was touch and go whether I would deliver, we were given all kinds of statistics of low weight babies and prematurity. The first week I was in I was in and out of labor and delivery 4 times becasue they were afraid I would need to deliver. Baby and mom started to stablize, dr got home and in contact with hospital, I wanted to go to home hospital, I wanted to be closer to home. Dr arranged for the transfer dh and I paid out of pocket for me to transfer by ambulance to home hospital. I was in for the weekend and dr said you can go home, I can do the same thing seeing you everyother day or more in my office. Monday went to see him, it doesn't look right, the blood flow in the umbilical cord is slower than it should be, see me tomorrow. Wetn back Tuesday, there is no change come back tomorrow and if no change we'll have to discuss options. Went back on Wednesday and there was no change, deliver on Friday and dd will be in our NICU. Dr called Friday, he called, not a nurse, knew it wasn't good. I will be delivering triplets within the hour and that will close the NICU, but you need to deliver to day, you need to go to the other hospital, I cried, told my dh, we cried together. MIL was at the house to watch 18 month old dd so we had that covered, got ready and kissed and hugged dd and left on our hour and a half drive, I cried and cried. Not only scary to be far away from home but change is always hard. Our beautiful daughter, Kristiana Leigh, was born 11 weeks premature at 1lb 4oz and 12.5 inches long. She was born at 5:40pm at Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester, NY. Because she was a micropremie she was taken immediately to, NICU and we were unable to see her until about 3:00am. It was the longest time I have ever had to wait. After I was discharged, we traveled daily to spend time with, get to know, love, and cherish our daughter. Once or twice a week we took the two year old with us, Caitlyn. She only got to see her sister twice but she was well aware of her presence and nicknamed her "Nina. When she was born the doctors told us it looked like she had a genetic disorder called Crouzons, plates in her skull were fused together. We were assured this was not life threatening but she would require surgery at about nine months corrected age and again at 2-3 years old. She also had three holes in her heart and two of them closed before her death. Included in her complications was a diaphragmatic eventration. This became problematic because she also developed BPD Bronchopulminary Dysplasia. This is a problem for babies who need to be on a ventilator for extensive amounts of time. As each milestone came and went, we celebrated Kristiana getting closer to coming home. At about three pounds she moved from an isolete to a crib, this was so exciting, to see her in a crib with a mobile over her to enjoy. This also allowed us access to her without having to ask the nurses to get her for us. She was extubated for a short time and this really gave us hope. Things took a severe turn for the worse. She was struggling to breathe and keep her oxygen levels up and was reintubated two weeks later. After an echocardiogram we were told her heart was not working well and the remaining hole in her heart was allowing blood flow to go backwards through her system. There was still a shred of hope. She was placed on steroids to see if this would improve her lungs that would allow her heart to work less strenuously. She was given a repeat echo that showed no improvement, the worst news we could have been given. The last three weeks of her life I lived at a Ronald McDonald House so I could be with her, know her, love her, and let her know and love me. Pat had to return to work, so he was traveling daily after work to spend time with her. Even though most of the time I could not hold her, I spent hours with her, placing my hands on her, reading to her, talking to her about us, her sister, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, her house, her room, anything I could just to let her hear my voice and feel as much comfort as I could provide. There were times I was able to lay my head down next to her and almost fall asleep with her. Pat and I held her and rocked her at the end,the nurses watched with tears as we comforted our beautiful Kristiana for the last time, on June 30, 2003. Mommy loves you Kristiana!