Miscarriage, followed by anxiety and depression (long)

[disneybridetobe]

Hi friends...
I'm coming here because I need a shoulder to lean on right now. I miscarried a very wanted baby on 12/25, and I've just been depressed and anxious since. It all started when I got my BFP on November 23rd, I was thrilled. We'd been trying since February 2008, and in the meantime I charted my heart out, and was finally diagnosed with PCOS. In the last few days of October I was prescribed Clomid, and it was a success.. or so I thought. Everything went OK, I even went as far as to tell my friends and family that I was finally pregnant. I even remember saying "Oh, I'm not waiting until 12 weeks, I'm not worried about miscarrying." That bit me in the butt. Bad.

So.. I started picking out baby gear-- a double stroller, a new pack and play, I was going to re-do our swing, and I even booked a December trip for us (we had one for April that I'd made in November, pre-BFP.) because I didn't want to be at WDW at 25 weeks pregnant. I'd had a previa with my last pregnancy, and my DD was born at 35w6d.

Fast forward to December 16th... I had just had an appointment with my OB for pregnancy confirmation. Nothing seemed out of place, but I was kinda bummed after I left the office, I just figured it was because DH was crabby because of work. December 18th comes, and I get a call from the OB.. he said my HCG levels were really low and he's concerned that I will miscarry. I asked what the number was... 350. For 7 weeks pregnant, thats REALLY bad. So I cried that night, I was kinda numb. The weekend after was just sheer h*ll, just knowing my baby inside me was either not living or not going to live. I went back the next day 12/19, (My DH and I met on that day.. ugh.. so it was an anniversary of sorts.) and I called later that day and my levels didn't double, they didn't do anything. So I was scheduled an appointment on Monday 12/22, and was prescribed cytotec. I had concerns about my previous previa and told them I dont want an D&E unless it was absolutely necessary.

So.. On 12/22, I started bleeding, and on 12/25 I finally miscarried. We were at my mom's for Christmas, and I had to downplay what I was feeling because I didnt want to "ruin Christmas" (again...er..). So I had to lay down because I knew what just happened, and my mom was all irate because her roast came out already and she wanted to serve dinner. Horrid. So she ended up fighting with DH and I about going to my aunt's house, and then we had to go to my aunt's house and fake being happy, despite what just happened.

Since then, I've just been on a rollercoaster of anxiety and depression... I had DH read info online about a woman's feelings after miscarriage because he just wasn't getting it. Sometimes he still doesn't. I cry at the drop of a hat, especially the mention of a pregnant woman. This is really hard because my SIL is pregnant, and the other SIL just had a baby. (I joke that she's the princess and he's the prodigal son. )

I know my feelings of anger, sadness, depression and anxiety are normal, but they're certainly hard to deal with. I'm not happy feeling this way and I just don't feel like it's a choice, it just happens... I told a girlfriend of mine who had also miscarried that I'd already bonded with the baby, and picked out things for him, and she said "oh honey, this is going to take you awhile to get over." I believe her, but it hurts.

It's especially hard to deal with family since no other family member has miscarried before, and no one gets that it's a real baby that I lost. MIL and Grandma-in-law don't get that it hurts when they talk about SIL's baby, and the other SIL's pregnancy. There was even a HUGE faux-pas over a gift the day after Christmas with MIL... I couldn't get out of bed for the rest of the night.

I'm just on this horrible rollercoaster of emotions, and I feel so alone. Thank you for bearing with me and reading all of this... I know it's a little scattered, I apologize.

Please tell me this is going to get better, please tell me I'm going to be OK, and if you can tell me how to be happy again... please do.

added note: I guess I just don't feel like antidepressants are the key... I just feel it's "deeper" than that. I guess I just feel like this can't be coated in Neosporin and a band-aid, I feel like this needs tissue reconstruction and a skin graft...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I miss you, little guy!

 

[WDWRocksMySocks]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I've never experienced a pregnancy loss, but I wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. T

 

[mommasita]

I am so deeply sorry for everything you are going through. I have never been in your shoes, so I don't want to say I know how you feel, because I don't. I do believe it is a real loss, and you need your time to grieve.

My SIL had a miscarriage last year at about 18 weeks, and is still learning to cope and still grieving. She is doing much better than last year, and so will you. Time will not erase anything, but everything will be ok, and you need to know that.


Please never apologize for any posts. We all understand pain, and we are here for you any time you need us.

Please PM me if you want to chat or need a friend.

 

[frdeb1999]

So very sorry for your loss. Nothing is worse then going through a miscarriage. My DH and I lost a baby at 7 months and it was beyond hard. I think people around you for the most part try to say and do the right thing. But for the most part honestly don't know what your feeling. You have every right to mourn your loss and if people don't understand that then it's on them. It does get better over time. You'll never forget what you've lost, but it will slowly get easier. Hugs to you and if you ever need to talk please feel free to PM me. And never appologize for coming here to talk. That is something we all do.

 

[kpadalik]

I am so sorry for you and your DH's loss. I have never gone through what you are right now, so the only thing I can say is that I'm sorry The only advice I can give you is to make sure that you are able to talk about this with somebody. If not your DH, then your mother, MIL, even your doctor. And even though your DH isn't expressing his grief in the same way you are, I'm sure that he is hurting inside too. Please don't hesitate to post more on the boards if that will help you heal. You are in my thoughts.

 

[quasar4legs]

I am so sory for your loss.
The feelings of losing a child can be so consuming and I am sorry that you have had to endure this immense sadness.
I think family and friends sometimes try to help by minimising the loss which of course does not bring any comfort for you. I guess some people just may not realise how you are feeling so feel free to post here as often as need. I am sure there will be lots of people who want to give you some cyber cuddles and 'listen' to your thoughts.

Allow yourself permission to grieve for the loss of your baby and perhaps you might like to find your own way to honour this little life. A dear friend of mine planted a rose bush in her garden and at the roots she left a letter she had written to her daughter. She said it has helped with healing and seeing the bush gives her comfort.

I shall be thinking of you and if you are really struggling to cope with the depression perhaps it would be worth having a chat with your doctor.

You asked will it get better? How to be happy again.

Speaking from my own experience I can tell that for me it truly does get better and I am happy again but there will always be a little piece of my heart missing. PM me if you want to chat.

Big Koala cuddles.
Trish

 

[sandyh67]

I, too lost a baby. I was 18 weeks along, I know the pain you are going through seems unbearable. the hardest part is that many people will not understand the loss you are suffering. Try to avoid these people, at least avoid talking with them about this as it will cause more pain and gravitate to those who will listen and understand, even if it is just us, we will be here for you. I was surprised how many people began confiding in me about their pregnancy loss when I had mine, there are people who will understand.
Try looking for a local support group, I found one and it was a lifesaver for me. I am still friends with some of them and it has been 14 years, yes 14 years. I spent about 2 years leading these groups as well, so I also understand that the weeks gestation you were matter very little, people grieve their baby whether they were 6 weeks or 36 weeks. Dont let anyone discount that.
It WILL get better, do what you can to get through each day, avoid people that are pregnant if you can and need to. That is a natural feeling. A coworker of mine was pregnant and due the same time I was and I remember incredible feeling of jealousy that she was still pregnant and I was not. I really could not be around her for her pregnancy, luckily she really understood and did not take it the wrong way.
Your baby will always be in your heart as mine is, but the pain will ease a little with each day. Do something each day for yourself, and do something to commemorate your child, plant a tree, donate something in your baby's memory- this will help.

I hope this helps, I am thinking of you!

 

[MissMichelle]

I am so sorry yo hear of your loss .

I went through the same in 2002.

I was 15 weeks along when I began to bleed ON Christmas. Dec 26 I went to the ER and was told it was just break through bleeding. I didn't believe that as I didn't "Feel" pregnant and hadn't in a few weeks. They sent me for an internal u/s and confirmed the baby stopped growing at 11 weeks. I was devastated and they set up an appt for me to see the OBGYN Dec 30 to see if I passed naturally. THat appt they sent me to the outpatient immediately and I had a D&C.
They anxiety and overwhelming emotions plagued me for over 2 years. They wanted to medicate me but I refused, and I have fought through this. It never goes away but it does get easier to cope with. I decided I didn't want to try again (I had a 2 year old son already) and I am still ok with that choice.
I pray for you that you get through this and can have a healthy happy pregnancy and it all works out. If you need to talk my PM is always open.

 

[sunlver]

I am completely sorry for your loss. I understand completely, I have been through 4 miscarriages in a row.

I had my oldest 2 kids, no problems. Then boom, 4 in a row. The first one was hard, the 2nd one put me in a deep state of depression..That was the lowest, darkest point of my life.I was scheduled for a dnc, which I wanted,but the baby passed at home. It is a visual I will never forget, I was close to 13 weeks. My last two miscarriages were done with a dnc. For me, it was much easier, I could heal physically and emotionally quicker..

The thing that helped me the most was a support group I found locally. It was a miscarriage/infant loss support group. I am not a big fan of talking in front of others. This group was wonderful, you talked if you wanted, you listened if you wanted, nobody forced you to do anything.

One of the best places online is called Silentgrief.com. Those ladies are truley wonderful, they are compassionate. If you are looking for some online support try them.

My last word is, DON'T give up!!! After my 4th miscarriage, I went on to have my youngest. We named her "Faith". I just knew after 4 miscarriages that if I were to get pregnant again and it was a girl, her name had to be Faith.

If you want to chat further, please feel free to PM here or email me, I am always around to listen.
Jackie0824@yahoo.com

 

[disneybridetobe]

I'm so sorry it took so long to respond... it's hard. I was reading, but I just couldn't type, if that makes sense. I want to respond to you all individually, it's just going take a little time.

Every day it gets a little smidge better, every day I still cry. I'm thinking of going to see my Dr about some anxiety meds, and maybe an antidepressant. It's not like I get a medal if I go through this without them, I've come to realize. Why make it harder on myself, and DH just said that he hates seeing me like this... and that I have to be strong for DD. So that's my next step, I think.

Thank you all for your kind words and sympathy. Thank you. *HUGE HUGS* Can I adopt you all as my family? hehe

 

[quasar4legs]

Oh hun, at this time you do whatever you need to do for yourself. Some days a little cry is just one of those things that we need to do when we are grieving.

Glad to hear you are feeling a tiny bit better and having a chat with a doctor you trust may be helpful.

I have been thinking of you

Trish

 

[disneybridetobe]

Thanks That little piggie that is your icon is adorable.. he made me smile

I got a little good news today.. no D&E! Everything passed and my HCG is negative again. :hew::

 

[quasar4legs]

Glad you like 'piggy', they are supposed to be very smart animals.

It must be a relief to hear that there is no need to head off to hospital.

Take care and hang in there

Trish

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Morning... I just feel so bad that you had to go through all this and on Christmas and have to pretend everything was alright when it was not..

I am a Mom of 3 daughters, one of whom is pregnant with her second child..she is high risk so as her Mom.....my heart went out to you. She has had miscarriages and she is still doing well here, baby due in April, but it has been constant worry....for me as her Mom. So, I hope for you that you have someone to talk to... we are here for you so post when you want and we will keep you up the best we can, but maybe a support group. Ask your doctor for a name of a counselor who deals with these kinds of losses and make an appointment and go. Sometimes you have to reach outside the family and speak with someone who does not know the family dynamics and will deal with just your feelings..

It has been a short time... give yourself the time to grieve. It is a horrific loss and I am so very sorry...

Marsha

 

[KimR]

Every day it gets a little smidge better, every day I still cry.

And it will continue to get better, I promise. I had 4 miscarriages with my last one being at 16 weeks. The last one was by far the most difficult and I honestly didn't think I would ever recover and be happy again. But after a few weeks, I started feeling not quite so bad, then happiness slowly started to creep back into my life. Even now, about 18 months later, there are still times when I grieve for my baby girl. Sometimes it's just a moment here or there, sometimes it's for a day or 2. I don't think I'll ever forget her, but it gets easier and I move on.

I do still sometimes get anxiety attacks and depressive episodes apart from my grief. The best way I can describe it is a feeling of impending doom that I know is irrational, but it comes deep from within and I simply cannot logically explain it away. I think this stems from the fact that my world has been turned upside down so many times that I feel like everything could come crashing down again. My doctor has prescirbed xanax to get me through these times and I've found that it does help.

I'm so sorry you had to experience this. Just take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve. I wish you the best.

 

[Keira1387]

 

[CinderelliT]

My heart goes out to you. I wanted a baby so badly, and I miscarried the first pregnancy right away. The second time, I made it a few weeks further, and then miscarried. It then happened a third time. The fourth pregnancy lasted for 35 weeks. My son Michael died before he was born after I had gone into premature labor.
I tell you this not b/c I am trying to scare you, but I have been where you are, and it is horrible. It is the worst thing in the entire world to lose a baby. No parent should ever out-live their child. Please take the time for yourself to do whatever you need to grieve in your own way. Know that others around you are grieving too, even if they show it differently from you.
Find something meaningful to you to do as a way to remember your baby. We have a rose garden planted for my son. It is decorated with cherubs and has a heart shaped memorial plaque in the center that I got from PersonalCreations.com
We also release balloons in the sky every year on his birthday.
It will be 5 years since he was stillborn on Feb. 11th. And it is still just as painful and difficult to deal with. I still cry a little everyday, but time has helped heal some of the wounds. I also now have two healthy beautiful children and they keep me going. I also found out, when my son died, who were my true friends and who were not. So I surround myself with people who truly care about me and my family. I choose not to bother with anyone else. Life is too precious to waste time on people who are not real, caring, friends and family.
Good luck to you. If you ever need to talk, you can pm me.

 

[LouDisney]

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

*hugs* to all of you mamas that have been through the loss of a baby. I have twice and will never "get over it". How could I? Those are my children.
If anybody needs or wants to vent/talk I am always just an email away.

Chris

 

[talulabelle]

I have never lost a baby, but I did go through a very horrible post pardom depression that went untreated WAY too long and the symptoms seem very much what you are describing. This is still very recent for you and it will take time to heal, it is normal you feel this way right now, but if these feeling continue to overwhelm you after the next couple of weeks, I really think you should seek medical attention to treat it. You were pregnant, and the hormone fluctuations after a pregnancy (full term or not) can cause post pardom depression.

Even though I was blessed with a healthy baby, I was so overwhelmed. I thought I was just a weak person. I didn't realize that it was all chemical inside me and I couldn't help it. It went on for more that 6 months. I don't know how I survivd that time. The jealousy toward pregnant woman you describe, I had that feeling too, but toward other women with babies that were happy. My husband would tell me to take the kids to the park so that I could get fresh air and feel better, and I would go and all I would see were happy women with little babies and I was sure they weren't in the circumstances I was (hard financial times, no help, critical mother, husband tha tdidn't understand, house falling apart around me etc) I was so jealous I woudl get sick. I felt like it would never be better because it was all already ruined, the time I should have been enjoying with my new baby, was ruined. Now tha tI am healthy, I realize how nuts that sounds, but at the time, with my chemical imbalance, it was overwhelming. (I even had suicidal thought toward the end when it got really bad).

I resisted antidepresants because I didn't want to have to stop nursing. (I already felt like a bad mother and didn't want to be a worse mother) so I suffered and suffered, and my family suffered. Finally when I had nursed 6 months i gave in and took medication. I felt SO much better with in 3 weeks. I realized it was all chemical. I could actually be happy again. I only was on medication 6 months and the doctor weened me off, and I was fine, been fine ever since. BEst thing I ever did. I just needed a little help to get the chemicals and hormones back to normal. If you don't start feeling better in a few weeks you owe it to your DD and husband to seek help. They can't be happy if your not happy. You deserve to be happy. You can't see how badly you need medication until you are better and look back and realize how bad it was.