Minor rant - A surprise shower that I don't want

[TXTurtle]

So my two bridesmaids' mothers decided they're going to throw a women's lunchen and lingere shower a day before the wedding. The prob? I'm a fairly shy introvert (except when I'm teaching) and haven't really enjoyed any of the showers that have been thrown for me yet. Adding a number of women I don't know (fiance's extended family and old friends) and lingere and the uncomfortable factor quadruples. At least. My mom spilled the beans b/c she needed mesurements (am I a horrible person for refusing to give them?) and while she listened to my plea to just make it a lunchen, she can't do anything, the invites have been sent. To make it worse my DH2B pointed out that a number of his family and friends just won't be comfortable with the lingere part. No weird religious or moral issues, just not comfortable giving such intimate items to someone they've never met. Anyway if anyone's dealt with a similar situation and come out of it with everyone still friends, I'd appreciate advice. Or just comfort. I just keep thinking that no matter how uncomfortable it is, hopefully the items will come with gift reciepts ...

 

[Swmhc]

Perhaps your mom could spread the word that your choice of "intimate apparel" is say night shirts, or jammie pants and tanks, a robe and slippers or whatever you would feel more comfortable with since they insist on on lingerie. See, if I were someone coming to your party, I would feel weird getting you intimate items if I didn't really know you and would go more for something like I have mentioned above. Good luck !!

 

[JonetteA]

Or it is an around the clock shower (everyone brings things for certain hours of the day) I don't think you are wrong to say that you are really uncomfortable, but you appreciate everything that they are doing. The other option is to let people know that you would appreciate Spa gifts as well. GC to Spa places in town or products that you can use (candles, etc) on the honeymoon and in the house. Let us know how things are going!

 

[4luvofthemouse]

I really don't like showers either.
I actually went as far as delivering my daughter on the day of
my surprise baby shower just to get out of it....
If you keep talking to your mom and let her know just how
truly uncomfortable you feel about this, maybe you could come
up with a comprimise. How about gift cards to lingerie stores instead
of the actual lingerie, or maybe even turn into a PJ party and recieve
gifts like Swmhc mentioned above.
Is it too late to send out new information regarding the luncheon?
You could have it as just a tea party. We did that for my SIL.
We sent out info with directions and such and made a note on
the bottom about slight change of plans and new gift ideas.
It is really nice of them to plan all of this for you, but you need to feel
comfortable so that you can enjoy it all!
Good Luck & I hope it all works out for you!

 

[PrincessBride07]

Is it too late to send out new information regarding the luncheon?

That was my thought exactly. Also, by the way it sounds, people won't mind that plans have been changed. Maybe you can talk to the other girls that are throwing this shower for you and tell them to spread the word that it is just a tea now.

I understand completely about not wanting to be the center of attention. The idea of receiving lingerie in front of my mom creeps me out too.

 

[ForKeeps]

Although I'm not much help on the issue of how to resolve the problem, I just want to let you know that I completely understand how you feel. I don't think there's anything that could make me feel more awkward than a shower with lingere as the theme.

I really hate being the centre of attention. I feel for you, and I hope it can be resolved so that you can feel better about it!

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

have people rsvpd yet....they can be told then or with a quick message.

I a giver...not a receiver, so I TOTALLY get how you feel

I hope its changed for you & your sanity or if its not, people dont get you something embarassing

Good luck & let us know how it turned out!!

 

[IrishLily]

I've never had a wedding shower, but maybe you could just opt not to open the gifts at this shower? I mean, it's luncheon as well, and I'm sure enough people will be there that everyone won't be wondering what to do next because they will be talking and eating. Or maybe you could have two piles of presents, one for opening during the shower (appropriate gifts) and the others that are for your DH's eyes only? I'm sure that this takes the fun out of it for your friends' moms that planned it, but it does save you and your DH's family some serious embarassment. Plus I happen to think that only your DH should see your lingerie.

PS Why are your BM's moms doing this? Isn't it more in the job description of the BMs themselves?

 

[cavecricket]

Or maybe you could have two piles of presents, one for opening during the shower (appropriate gifts) and the others that are for your DH's eyes only?

I think this is a perfect idea!
You can make a really cute sign for the Future Hubby only pile

Heck you could make a sign like that for all of the gifts to avoid opening any of them.

Good luck

 

[TXTurtle]

Thanks for all the ideas and support! I talked to one of the moms today and, while I don't think she heard a word I said, I did manage to talk the theme down from "lingere" to "gift cards." Tacky, I know. But compared to black leather and lace ... She's also ok with not opening presents at the lunchen. So that's good. The prob is that, once I talked her into that, she got the bright idea of making this lunchen all about everyone sharing their stories about me. Ok, great, but did you forget that this lunchen is for DH2B's extended family and friends? You know, the people who haven't met me yet? Don't think they'll have many stories. And it doesn't solve the main issue of me not liking to be the center of attention - in fact it just makes it worse. At this point in the conversation I got a lecture on needing to learn to be gracious and accept praise. Ok, thanks, but I KNOW I don't have a problem with that last one (hey, I love praise!) and don't think I'm horrible at the first ... except when people are doing something for me to express their love for me in a way that causes me massive amounts of stress. If you really want to tell me you love me ... arg. It's just frustrating because every time I try to gently offer an alternative I get told that I really will enjoy this shower (I have my doubts based on past experience, both with showers in general and with the women throwing this one) and that I should be excited and grateful and a whole load of other things I should feel. Things I'd LIKE to feel but don't. So guilting me into feeling them won't work. Arg. On the good side I talked with my mom afterwards and finally it clicked with her just what it is about this whole affair that has me so stressed. Namely, being told how I should feel and being the focus of everyone's attention. So hopefully she can do some damage control.

And my guess for why the BMs aren't throwing the shower - they know they'd pay for it at some point.

 

[pintradingwedding]

I hate going to them. And i would hate having one.

I absolutely REFUSED to let anyone throw me a shower. It drove my mom in law crazy I think. But I put my foot down.

Not only do I detest showers, but i feel like everyone was having to spend a lot of money to come to my disney wedding -- hotel, airfare, park passes, etc -- they shouldn't have to buy me a shower gift too !!

I'm with you on this one!!!!

 

[dmslush]

I hate showers too! I feel for you, but glad you were able to get the theme changed. I was telling DF about this thread yesterday morning and he was as mortified by the theme as you!

It was very odd also, I went into work after reading this yesterday and one of my coworkers said something about having a shower for me. I quickly reminded her that one reason why we are slipping off to disney and getting married is to avoid all of that kind of stuff. She went on for a minute and then we talked about how df and I have been together for almost 12 years and we don't need anything. We finally settled on maybe having a lunch the week before I leave for disney. I would be very uncomfortable with a shower!

 

[TXTurtle]

Things are much better today - my future MIL visited my mom and basically told her that her side was feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing. She said everything I'd been saying for a while ... but this time people listened. I need to find out what her trick is. As far as I know the shower's been downgraded to a lunchen and I've already arranged with DH2B to slip out early so we can have some "us" time before the wedding. I got some grief about that ("You'll have plenty of time with him after the wedding, you should spend this time with your guest") but my thought is that, while I love my guests, I'm not marrying them. I AM marrying DH2B and we need some time together. And, since that's the only free time found before the wedding ... we'll take it.

 

[IrishLily]

I'm so glad that everything worked out. I know that I suck at confrontations, so I usually just have my mom come in and she can be the mean one! It's great that your MIL came in to save the day. And I think it's totally fine to leave a little early to have some alone time. Sheesh it's your wedding, and a lot of times brides are so busy before and during the wedding that they don't have any time to really soak it in with their future husband. So good for you!

 

[Cinderella22]

aww im glad everything worked out. I would be super uncomfortable if I had been in your situation as well.

 

[dmslush]

Things are much better today - my future MIL visited my mom and basically told her that her side was feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing. She said everything I'd been saying for a while ... but this time people listened. I need to find out what her trick is. As far as I know the shower's been downgraded to a lunchen and I've already arranged with DH2B to slip out early so we can have some "us" time before the wedding. I got some grief about that ("You'll have plenty of time with him after the wedding, you should spend this time with your guest") but my thought is that, while I love my guests, I'm not marrying them. I AM marrying DH2B and we need some time together. And, since that's the only free time found before the wedding ... we'll take it.

With some posters having so many problems with their future in laws, it make me glad to read this. I think that is so sweet that she stepped in and helped you out!

I don't blame you for wanting some alone time with your df!

 

[TXTurtle]

Thanks all for the support. I think what frustrated me the most is that every time I raised an objection I was treated like some overbearing, ungrateful bridezilla. It hit a point where I began to wonder if I WAS being all that, just because I wasn't willing to go along with this after all the work put in by the moms. And I did appreciate the thought ... anyway, it helped me a lot to have ya'll validate that this whole thing was a little "off" and it's OK to be uncomfortable and even to refuse the offer. One of my friends (who just found out about this mess) put it best - they're not doing this shower for me. They're doing it for themselves because its the kinda shower they would have wanted when they were brides and they're trying to fix their pasts with my present. If I were more like them, I'm sure I would have loved it. But I'm not ... and that's ok. They can relive or change the past with someone else's wedding. Mine is mine and it's ok that it is!

And yes, I have a fantastic MIL. I'm very, very, very grateful and blessed. She's great.