MIL / Alzheimer's vent- you can ignore

[jenfur]

I haven't visited this board in ages, I missed my annual trip to Disney last year as well. I may get to go this year, if we arrange to take MIL- which will cost about $1000 extra.

I don't get to spend time alone with my family, let alone my husband anymore. We can't go out anymore, we can barely go to the bathroom without her peeking in the door. She doesn't want to be alone for even 5 minutes. She can't do anything for herself, so she relies on DH and assumes I know even less than her and tries to tell me what to do and how to do it. She tries to take over where my kids are concerned, yet she doesn't even know who any of us are.

And the smells, I am constantly cleaning and there is still a smell- I won't even mention the bathroom....

I am sending the kids back to public school because I just can't handle her and homeschool at the same time. I have my own school work to do. I have a 3.8 avg. for my freshman year (yeah me!) but nobody cares because we live in what I call Elder-world.

MIL has always been a horrible woman. She has never had a kind word for anyone. She abused her kids, and her sick aging husband. She even slapped my kids around behind our backs until she lost too much brain function to be herself. I makes it hard to want to care for her.

I don't want to do this anymore, I want to quit. This situation has changed who I am and not for the better. I feel like I am losing years of my life so she can have a few more- not that she even aware of years passing anymore. I am starting to look at all older people negatively.

I am sorry to bring this here, but if you are not a happy little martyr on most Alz boards, you must be abusive and this woman is treated like a queen. Feel free to ignore the whole post, I just had to get it out somewhere.

I do need my Disney trip though- it may make me feel human again.

 

[tiggerwannabe]

 

[crazyme5kids]

I think it's time for you and your husband to sit and discuss your options. Have you looked into assisted living for her? If that isn't an option, check and see if there are any places that offer adult day care.

Bottom line is that you need help and a break from the stress of caring for your MIL. Don't feel bad about it either.

 

[tw1nsmom]

You really should talk to your DH about a nursing home that specializes in Alzheimers patients. In the best of situations with wonderful people who were fantastic parents (which obviously wasn't the case with your MIL), it reaches a point where it becomes difficult to care for people with Alz. at home.

 

[Marseeya]

Oh my goodness, I agree with the others. Have you actually looked into other options?

I've struggled with what will happen when I face having to care for my own mother, and I've comfortably come to the conclusion that I will NOT be her caregiver. I feel a little bad about it, but you know what? Your family has to come first, and it sure sounds as if you're all having a very difficult time of it!

to you.

 

[TNCarole]

 

[minkydog]

It's okay, you vent all you want. sounds like it's time for MIL to go elsewhere. She probably is past the point of assisted living; She needs full-time Alzheimer's care. Hat's off to you for doing everything up to this point. Yours is not an easy life.

 

[tiggerlover]

Being in your shoes is a difficult place to be so vent away. Dealing with alzheimer's or dementia is a very, very difficult thing. I agree with the others, it is time for you and DH to sit down and talk about options. A friend of mine had her mother living with her and it almost destroyed her family, she is now in an assisted living facility and it makes a world of difference. Adult daycare was another option that worked well for a while. Or maybe if those two are not options what about a part time care taker that can come to your home to give you some relief. You must take care of yourselves too!

 

[arminnie]

One of my dearest friends for the past 30+ year was an only child with NO relatives besides her mother. Her mother who I had known for decades was a wonderful woman who doted on her daughter. It was mutual.

Her daughter loved her more than you would think possible. But the the AZ beccame too advanced she knew that it was in her mother's best interests to be in a nursing home. This was so NOT a case of dumping her. Her mother deserved top notch care 24/7 and that most often cannot be done in a private home - and certainly not by a single person - especially one with other obligations.

Ny friend visited her mother sometimes 3 times a day. She was actively involved in her care, but was wise enough to know that she could not keep her mother at home. She did not have a job or children but still it was more than she could handle.

Her mother's last years were vastly improved by being in a 24/7 residential care situation. And NO one could have been a better daughter.

 

[diznygirl]

I agree that you should look into the assisted living options. If you do it now, you can go to WDW without her and rejuvenate yourself.

If the assisted living is not an option, then definitely look into getting a nurse who can come in several times a week to give you a break.

Does DH know how you feel? You need his support right now. Good luck!

 

[Virgo10]

I have worked with Alzheimer patients. The nursing facility I worked at wouldn't even let us on the floor early to get a head start on the day because they didn't want us to burn out. There were 3 shifts because many of these patients would stay up for days on end. One person or even one family cannot and should not attempt to care for a person in the condition your MIL is in.

Please look in to finding a GOOD facility where there are programs for those affected with this terrible disease. Do it for yourself, your family and for your MIL.

Many to you.

 

[L107ANGEL]

You vent away!!! The only thing I can add is you have an obligation to yourself that is not being met. These situations will take it's toll.
I just feel for you

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I agree with everyone else! You need to look at other options for MIL!

My grandma had Alzheimer's. My aunt cared for her for several years, but it just got to be too much!! My grandma was a nice person, and my aunt's children were grown, yet it was still too much for her to handle. You have YOUNG kids and your MIL is NOT nice!

There are lots of residential care facilities specializing in Alzheimer's. There are also daycare facilities, home aides, and adult foster care. My FIL lived in an adult foster home after MIL died because DH and I were not in a position to care for him. We were in our early 20's, lived in a one bedroom apartment, and both worked full time in retail so our hours were crazy. FIL lived in a state approved home with a husband and wife for his caregivers along with 3 or 4 other "elder" residents. It was a great solution and not nearly as expensive as a nursing home.

The toll this situation is taking on you is NOT FAIR! You shouldn't have to deal with this, and your kids are getting the short end of the stick because you don't have any resources left for them. It is time you and DH had a serious discussion about what comes next for MIL! Good luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My mother is an LPN and her speciality is working in the Alzheimer's wing.

What she would tell you is you have reached "burn-out" and need to find alternative treatment. She sees it over and over, loved ones coming in almost half dead themselves taking care of their loved ones.
In fact it can get to the point that your "care" is not up to snuff for the sheer fact of exhaustion, let alone the frustration.

 

[Snowysmom]

You have every right to vent away. You are in a difficult situation right now. You and your family need help and assisted living is a good place to look. My father is in a nursing home on a dementia/alzheimer's unit and when I go to visit him, it always amazes me how great the staff is with these patients. My father got on the floor because a male bed opened up and he is a bit confused because he suffered from severe blood loss from GI bleeding and emergency surgery. You have done alot to help your MIL and now it is time for others to help you out. Take care.

 

[slk537]

 

[arminnie]

I have worked with Alzheimer patients. The nursing facility I worked at wouldn't even let us on the floor early to get a head start on the day because they didn't want us to burn out. There were 3 shifts because many of these patients would stay up for days on end. One person or even one family cannot and should not attempt to care for a person in the condition your MIL is in.

Please look in to finding a GOOD facility where there are programs for those affected with this terrible disease. Do it for yourself, your family and for your MIL.

Many to you.

That is so true. So often people think they are doing their loved one a favor by keeping them at home, and all too often they are not.

Thanks for the work that you do.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Please go ahead and vent. You have an impossible job! We had my mom (horrible person, no Alz) and my Dad (decent person, advanced Alzheimers) living with us for a year and that was all I could take. If you can get MIL into a nursing home nearby, DH could still spend all the time he wants with her and YOU will not be constantly in the caregiving role.

Yay you! for going to school and keeping up your gradepoint average.

 

[cleo]

We had to put my beloved Grandmother into a care facility. It's a horrible choice to make, but ask yourself this:

If you were able to make a decision regarding your own care if, god forbid, you were unable to care for yourself and suffered demensia, would you want to place that demand on your (grown) child when they are raising young children already? Regardless of what sort of woman she is or was, I would guess most mothers would not want to see our children and their families suffer and perhaps collapse because of our need for care.

It is a kindness to find her the care she needs, then visit her with a loving heart. Much, much better than resentment and anger. Your children, especially if you are homeschooling, need you more.

And I second the kudos for a job well done with your schooling.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

My GMom passed a couple of years ago now but she suffered from AZ and it was difficult--At first she was at her own home but one day she went to mail letter at the box directly outside(from neighbors acct)and disappeared for 2 days before she was found---At that point she went to live w/uncle and aunt and the rest of us would go over to help out---I did her ADLs(bathing,shaving) everyone would make dinner one night for all of them(aunt, uncle,cousins,GMom) All in an effort to keep her in familiar surroundings

Well one day uncle was having a bbq just for his family and GMom--when GMom walked out the front door with uncles keys,hopped in his car and drove away without anyone realizing---Now mind you GMom NEVER had a license or owned a car----Well she became semi lucid just a few minutes later and stopped driving,unfortunately she chose a busy intersection on 28 in Salem NH halfway thru turning the corner--Luckily ppl were just honking and she didn't cause an accident and a gentleman got out of his car and talked her into letting him pull uncles car into a parking lot

After that we decided that to avoid GMom from doing that again and quite possibly killing someone in the process we would place her in the AZ unit--She had good days and bad days and tried to break out on more than one occasion but she was safe--everyone went on as normal and while we felt we had let her down we knew it was for the best

I also found from having worked in nursing homes prior to this that AZ patients can become violent same as GMom did--You would be sitting there talking to her and WHACK she would crack you out of the blue for nothing---I have seen other residents throw silverware,glasses,plates,remotes whatever

You need a break and if it helps to come here and vent please go right ahead! Sit your DH down and let him know how you feel because he may just be feeling the pressure also. Your GMom will get the hands on attention she needs and you can get back some of your sanity and be able to focus more on your kids and their well being