Life is a struggle... 24/7

[DizFan101]

For me these days nothing gives me a relaxing mind. I am up in nerves 24/7 or at least when I decide to take my sleeping pill. But whenever i wake up it starts over.

As I look back on my life a lot of friends have come and gone which in some cases where "okay" but others were a surprise. I had relied on my imagination through out my years of friend-loss and friendless years. I have coped with knowing my parents are going to be there for me. I have faced death in my family and troubles. This year I lost my grandma due to stroke issues. She did have lewy body dementia which scared me to death because I thought I had it because i had some of the issues like referring to tv shows for my imagination. But the diference between my grandma and me was that I knew it was all fake and knew what reality was... or at least I did.

My dad has had 2 strokes...1 in the summer of 2009 and 1 in november 2010. At the time I was relieved when he came home healthy. But the reality is. I don't know what is reality.

I suffer from PTSD due to a situation that occured a few years ago in 2007 with a roommate who lied. I was only in school for 12 days rooming with a college senior on scholarship for track and field. She lied because she didn't get what she wanted so she lied to cops who arrested me w/o investigation.

Truth is, i look at my cousins who having friends who have jobs and one is even married and she's only 2 years older then I am. I have no friends and no job because I don't know who to trust. My mind is blank 24/7 which makes me scared that i won't be who i was 2 years ago. I hate change and I hate having to cope with things I do not like. I do not have any interests any more.

I used to love Disney but through my depression I related Disney when my mom dies. Who is going to take me to Disney world? If i go alone I will have all the memories return to me like they do now.

My life just passes before my eyes in my mind. It's the only thing i see now and can't imagine living without them even though they do drive me crazy at times.

I feel like I am bolted to the ground by invisible rules that i can not see or know-which makes me hard to enjoy things. I can not see the happyness that Disney Brings to people because i associated it with being a kid place (similar to chuck e-cheese).

I feel like I can not make decisions because I do not know the consequences to them even if they are good. I do not like taking risks.

I majored in film because I WAS creative. Now I just don't know how to be creative any more w/o doing something wrong. All my life I was creative but someone always put me down whether i did it wrong or they just didn't like it when i loved my work which made me sad and question my work. my cousin got married in July of this year and i did the video work. It took me 2 months and $30 worth of stuff to put into the movie. Of course she didnt say to buy stuff but I wanted it perfect for her because she is/was the first in the family to get married. 2 months later the DVD looks great, I love it. I even made a DVD box with their picture in it. I give them the dvds. My aunt and uncle loved it which was great but I was really looking for my cousins opinion. All she said after viewing it, was "Was there of us dancing?(as in her and her husband) The answer was "no" which made me feel horrible even though i didn't have any control over the issue because i wasn't the videographer when it was at the reception. Nor did she tell us b4 hand what to get other than the obvious when she was getting into her dress... No Rated R movie here. lol. But seriously... No Thank yous (other then the husband and his family). but my heart and mind was all in my cousin loving the video because you might know when it comes to wedding's it is more of the brides day (it's like 60/40 bride and groom). lol.

anyway, these days due to the wedding i just looked at my life and see nothing. No friends, no one to trust... no future. I guess it also is part of the pTSD because of the incident. I just can't enjoy anything because I ask myself why am i doing that? and end up either being aggravated or just quit. I don't see a deadline with anything. Time doesn't mean anything along with money. I don't want anything in life any more. . I just REALLY want to give up but then again I 'm afraid of death - which is why i haven't been on the haunted mansion in 3-4 years.

SO now my mind is blank 24/7 with fear of my future.
i am always so nervous to the point where my back hurts most of the time. I don't see the point in anything. I can't watch TV or movies because I lack imagination and nothing tells a story. I can sit in the theatre and everyone is laughing...except for me. I can not see the comedy in things.

I know this is long but i just needed to vent. you can post on here if you want. but i'm not looking for any negative feedback... I am starting therapy again with a new therapist because i haven't clicked with any in the past. i doubt i ever will at this point because how do you know if the person knows how you are exactly feeling if they haven't been in your shoes? how do you know the person is better then the other?

I bought a few PTSD books but i don't know if they are right?
Heck if someone told me the sky was green i would probably believe it even though i know its blue.. It's harder to explain then i am explaining it w/o sounding stupid.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I've read your posts before and know you struggle.

I thought you were going to see a doctor and get some prescriptions in addition to therapy. Did that not happen or have you stopped taking the medication?

You have to get help and that is the bottom line. You KNOW you need help and I sense you want help. It's not easy or quick and it may not be what your family thinks is best but you NEED medical intervention no matter what others say.

In addition to one on one with a therapist, what about a support group? I know you have trust issues but people with the same problems will understand you and the slow progress of everything. Your therapist would have the contacts for a support group. You could see that others struggle but are surviving and even thriving and even make friends that understand you.

I think once you get some control back in your life, your passion for creativity will come back but YOU HAVE TO GET HELP. I'm not being negative but trying to tell you the truth. You cannot get better and will not get better without help. You worry about being alone but you need to worry about helping yourself instead of who will go to disneyworld with you.

My mother struggles with depression and anxiety everyday. She has been seeing a counselor for a couple years now and it has really helped. She has learned some coping skills for when she is overwhelmed or just upset. The therapist has helped with the negative emotions and she does take medication to help level her out because she does have a partial imbalance.

Please seek help and stay with the help. It won't be easy or fun and people around you can be unsupportive but YOU NEED HELP to get better.

 

[DizFan101]

I am going to go to therapy on monday to a new therapist. i haven't really clicked with any because i went to one for two years and when i seemed to get worse he just fell asleep. But i'm trying someone new monday. I was on cymbalta in september but really didn't see any improvements but now as I look back upon it i was better than what I am now.

 

[auntmeme7577]

Tina is giving you good advice. Please stick with the meds and therapy. I know it's hard to see when you are suffering, but there is help. You have to do your part too and stay with the program. YOU NEED OUTSIDE HELP and while the boards are available and easy to access, they won't make you well. Make up your mind that you deserve to get whatever help you need, for as long as you need it. People do care

 

[jking6]

My prayers are with you. I hope your new therapist will help you. I know all to well that alot of people need medication to help them feel better. do not be ashamed to ask for help and talk to people. If you ever need to talk and you can send me a private message. I am not a professional of any kind but I am willing to talk.

 

[mommasita]

I'm sorry you are going through so much. Life is hard at times, and seeing the light is not always easy.

I do agree that Tina has excellent advice.

Thoughts and prayers

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

It's good that you are trying a new therapist. It means you want to change and are taking control. That is an important piece. There are a lot of things in life you can't control like how people treat you, your parents health, eyc, but you can control how you choose to approach your life and control how you react to things. Please don't give up of this isn't the right therapist. It can take many tries to find the right doctor for you. Same with meds. They take time to build up and you don't necessarily realize they are helping because the effects aren't immediate. Keep at it.

 

[DizFan101]

To me, my life has always been wanting to meet new people, but after an incident in 2007, I don't really want to meet new people because it seems like the only person who gets hurt...is me.

I just want to be who I was, happy and carefree. I know life isn't all being about carefree, but Its better then worrying about every small thing in life that you cannot help or change. But you can't change people.

I have always been bullied in elementary school/high school and even college where it got 100% worse. . I now suffer from PTSD and major depression which i want to get help for. But it seems like every time i find a piece of happiness, someone just takes it away from me.

I see things in light. like death. I know my parents are going to die someday hopefully not today or tomorrow, I know i can't change that. I worry about all the "if's" in life. I know you can't see the future, but everything I do i get scrutinized for it. Good or bad. it seems like i have to give a reason for every little thing i do.

**Once i finish my trip report, I will be taken a break from forum websites. It just seems not fair that other people write ones that people read and comment on, and mine just sits in the corner all alone.... while others get 25+ pages with readers. I know i can't control people to actually say something on my report because if i did it wouldn't mean anything.... But why?