"Late bloomer" children?

[4Seasons]

Good morning! I've never posted on the community board before, but have a question that probably fits best here.

My daughter (just turned 16) is what I think is a "late bloomer". Her birthday is late in the year (Oct. 31), so many of her friends (in fact most) are older than her by almost a year or more.
Even so she really seems so "behind" in terms of maturity, etc. Ok, alot of things I really (REALLY) am thankful for (she doesn't care about makeup, doesn't care too much about boys, doesn't like the "revealing" clothes, etc.) and in all honesty she is a pretty good kid (her grades are good) and aside from what I hope is just the "typical teenage" smart mouth/attitude occasionally (ok, sometimes frequently!) she doesn't give us too much problem (ahem......unlike myself when I was her age ). I have seen some improvement in some areas (she has just now taken an interest in keeping her hair fixed nicely).

My question is, has anyone else had a child like this? When I say immature, I mean sometimes she says or does inappropriate things for the situation, or doesn't handle something in a mature way (like speaking her mind in a situation where it's really best to say nothing). It is her personality to be a bit of a "diva" at times but I'm thinking again maturity has alot to do with it.

I know eventually it will pass, but it's really hard for us to deal with this, and I'm sure in a way for her too because I do think it affects her friendships in some ways.

If anyone can offer any insight or reassurance, I can really use the help right now! Thanks!

 

[sha_lyn]

My 11 DD seems to be the same way. Have you noticed this for awhile or did if finally catch up with her now. With a Aug birthday DD was the youngest in her preschool and her teacher felt she was too immature for K. I really didn't want to hear it but after observing DD struggling in class with even basic classroom things (too short for the cubbies and coat rack, taking too long to perform task such as cutting etc) I knew the teacher was right. We decided to homeschool DD and thought that eventually she would "catch up". However she really hasn't in a lot of ways. Academically she has in most subjects but she prefers to play with kids 1-2 yrs younger than she is. She is around several girls that are 6months- 1 1/2 yrs older than she is but she has nothing in common with them.

 

[Christine]

I have one of these.

Our school cut off is September and my DD has a late-July birthday. She has *always* seemed much younger than her peers and, even now as a senior in high school, she is very immature.

In some ways, I wish I had held her back a grade. She seems to relate better to the kids a grade behind her or even younger.

She also shouts out impulsive things but she has been diagnosed with very mild ADHD with impulsivity being an issue.

The immaturity issue is going to hold her back. Already, she has not made mature decisions or is able to fully plan out what she needs to do to succeed in high school. The immaturity has been such a problem. Certainly, she's not a failure but it has caused issues.

I was an "immature" kid myself. My cutoff for Kindergarten was December 31st and I have a December 30 birthday. I was always so much younger it seemed. For me, my maturity didn't come until my early 20s. By that time, I had made a lot of stupid mistakes because I just couldn't handle things properly. My parents didn't overly recognize it and kind of threw me out there at age 17. Not good for me.

For my daughter, I'm just trying my best to be a bit more firm with her in her decision making without being a helocopter if you know what I mean?

 

[Ohiodislover]

My 13 Y.O is like that. She flies off the handle, and reacts much younger than she is. I'm talking 4 Y.O. tantrum. At times she has NO filter, and still wants to always be the center of attention.

She has always been like that. We kept her out of kindergarten until age 6 thinking that would help. She is a mid-summer birthday.

Hopefully someone can chime in on how they handle it.

 

[TexasErin]

My 11-year-old (will be 12 next weekend) is very much like that. She doesn't care what she smells like! I always have to harp on her about remembering deodorant and she NEVER does a good job of brushing her teeth. I'm wondering where MY child is because evidently she was switched at birth
She feels like a 5th wheel at school because she does not have a BEST friend. She has a group of girls that she hangs out with, but they always spend the night with each other and RARELY ask her. I feel very badly for her and wish I knew how to help. When you're that age, you really want to feel like you belong and have a best friend.....
And she is one of the older ones in her class since she has a November birthday, but the maturity is not there.

 

[4Seasons]

In some ways, I wish I had held her back a grade. She seems to relate better to the kids a grade behind her or even younger.
She also shouts out impulsive things but she has been diagnosed with very mild ADHD with impulsivity being an issue.

The immaturity issue is going to hold her back. Already, she has not made mature decisions or is able to fully plan out what she needs to do to succeed in high school. The immaturity has been such a problem. Certainly, she's not a failure but it has caused issues.

I was an "immature" kid myself. My cutoff for Kindergarten was December 31st and I have a December 30 birthday. I was always so much younger it seemed. For me, my maturity didn't come until my early 20s. By that time, I had made a lot of stupid mistakes because I just couldn't handle things properly. My parents didn't overly recognize it and kind of threw me out there at age 17. Not good for me.

For my daughter, I'm just trying my best to be a bit more firm with her in her decision making without being a helocopter if you know what I mean?

This is what I've thought as well, although hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it?
The thing is she's always been REALLY ahead in terms of school, so if I had held her back I think there would have been those issues to deal with.

She's at the stage where she really doesn't want to hear anything we say to her, she deems it "preaching" when all I/we (well mostly me) are trying to do is teach her how to act/react in certain situations and most importantly, **THINK AHEAD OF THE GAME** which she just doesn't seem to do.
We've told her more times than I can count "always ALWAYS carry some money with you, at least $5 because you never know when you might need it".
Well she has joined the swim team (which I'm hoping does good things for her) and one day they were after school at practice and she almost passed out because she hadn't eaten anything since breakfast (she doesn't take her lunch as she prefers to eat when she gets home around 3:15 pm on normal days). I asked her why she didn't take anything, her response "a sandwich would be squished".............well OK take it in a tupperware container, problem solved! I said why didn't you buy something at the cafeteria, she says "I didn't have any money". OK that's a perfect example what we've been trying to get in her head, that you need to have money with you at all times! Some of the decisions (or indecisions) she makes really drives me absolutely NUTS!!!

I guess too it's so hard for me to understand because I was just the opposite, so far AHEAD in maturity because of my family situation in my teens.
My sister and I are 10 years apart (I'm older) and by age 13 I was responsible for her during the summers while my parents worked. By age 15 we had a family situation where I moved 1000 miles away from home for a year to live with my grandma (while my parents worked out their differences and I got my head straight). So I look at myself when I was her age vs. where she is now and the gap is so huge............

 

[sandy6879]

I could have written just about all these responses. My DD is 12, and very socially immature. Academically, she's straight A's, and her testing scores are very high. The school had mentioned skipping a grade, but I couldn't do it, she's having a hard enough time in the grade she's in with her peers.

She is also an October birthday, so she entered Kindergarten early.

I had her speak with the guidance counselor last week - trying to figure out what she's doing exactly that is causing the social isolation. She doesn't have close friends, and just a few that come over every so often. The counselor called me back and praised her, and then said that during the course of the discussion, she felt that DD tries to stay away from the "drama" which can isolate her. I have to say, I'm almost ok with that statement .

We've been encouraging her to call people to have them over on a one to one basis, not in a big group setting. She's very involved with things she is interested in - hang in there OP, there are others of us out there who understand.

 

[Becky2005]

she felt that DD tries to stay away from the "drama" which can isolate her. I have to say, I'm almost ok with that statement

That sounds like my DD. Her best friend moved away in 4th grade (which was fine with me -- wasn't the best match) and really has yet to have a BEST friend.

She has people she hangs out with at school but very few that would call her up to go hang out beyond that. The funny thing is she hangs out with a lot of guys and the reason is because "they don't care about what you are wearing & way less drama involved". I was actually the same way, so I can't blame her too much.

The guys just don't get into the drama of "so & so said you said this about me so I'm not going to talk to you now" even though you have no clue what they are talking about because you don't even TALK to so & so. Or so & so is mad at you because you are *talking* to a boy they like but you were friends with the boy last year, don't even like him as a boyfriend and THEY aren't even dating the boy either (just a secret crush on them but they are mad at you because you have no issues going up and saying "Hi" to the guy!).

She's told me other girls have asked her how she can just go up to a guy & talk to them. She looks at them like they are insane and tells them it's not that hard, you just go up and say Hi. I suppose having 3 brothers helps in that department, she knows some of the older guys just because they have younger brothers that have been friends with her brother.

 

[clarabelle]

Both of my girls are a little immature for their age.
One we held back this year for issues with disorganization and some mild social immaturity (It has helped!!).
I feel bad sometimes -because I think I may have caused it somehow with my parenting. But other times I think maybe not -her Dad and I both had different issues as kids at different times and we turned out well.

Christine -is there any treatment for Mild ADD?
I think our oldest may have a little -but she still manages good grades (Bs mostly) I didn't know if they treat it if you can still manage to cope.

 

[Christine]

Christine -is there any treatment for Mild ADD?
I think our oldest may have a little -but she still manages good grades (Bs mostly) I didn't know if they treat it if you can still manage to cope.

The treatment is as usual--behavior modifications and/or medication.

My DD was diagnosed at age 9. We tried both with very limited success. She has a type of ADD that is more of the inattentive type which doesn't respond well to medications or the usual rewards systems.

As for her impulsiveness, while it is labeled as part of the ADD, I really think it has to do with her immaturity and inability to think before she acts. That has gotten better with time, but not great. She tends to rush through things and not sit and really think down the road.

I'm am so lucky though that, common sense wise, she has a good head on her shoulders, is absolutely no trouble, and behaves. It's really her school performance that has been drastically affected by her immaturity.

 

[freckles and boo]

Christine -is there any treatment for Mild ADD?
I think our oldest may have a little -but she still manages good grades (Bs mostly) I didn't know if they treat it if you can still manage to cope.

I hope you don't mind if I jump in. I have two girls with ADHD. My older daughter has attention issues. My younger daughter won the lottery and is inattentive, impulsive, hyperactive and also has autism to boot. They are both very smart kids. Kids with mild attention issues can benefit from behavior plans without medication. Kids with legitimate attention problems that are more severe usually need medication in addition to behavior plans. It is kind of like learning to drive in a car with no brakes - the medicine gives them the brakes to learn. But not every kid with an attention problem has ADHD. Some are not getting enough sleep. Some are affected by diet. Other health problems can seem like ADHD. Even if you think it is mild, have her checked out and work out a plan that addresses her weaknesses.

One other thing - Social immaturity is very often an element of ADHD. Kids often need social coaching.

 

[4Seasons]

I feel bad sometimes -because I think I may have caused it somehow with my parenting. But other times I think maybe not -her Dad and I both had different issues as kids at different times and we turned out well.

THANK YOU that is exactly how I'm feeling, almost on a daily basis.
There have been a few days lately where I feel like a horrible parent and that I must have done something to bring this on......and then I cry....

 

[clarabelle]

Thanks for your input Christine and Freckles and Boo.

4Seasons -I sympathize really. I think there is definitely a nature component -that it is not ALL parenting.
I think we as parents often take too much on ourselves.

Have you asked the school for some guidance?
They might have some programs set up to help

 

[marydmjj]

I think this thread is really interesting. I'm noticing that all the responses are for daughters but I have a son that is this way. He turned 13 at the end of August and is definitely not in the same place as the majority of his classmates. He is also ADD- not hyperactive. If we had to do it again, we would have held him back a year. Although, he fits in well with his class as far as athletics and the interests of the other boys, he is immature and small compared to them.

I have read a lot about ADD/ADHD and do know that maturity is usually delayed. I'm also hoping that he will "outgrow" some of the issues he has associated with ADD. I've seen research suggesting that this will happen but no one knows for sure.