Just how much freedom does your 15/16 year old have in the summer?

[luvflorida]

Yesterday was the first day of summer vacation and I can already see a few issues coming up. My daughter will turn 16 toward the end of August and she will be a Junior in high school in September. Because of her late summer birthday, most of her friends are older than she is. Her best friends are girls she dances with at the local dance studio and some of them are a year older than she is. Most of her friends have their driver's license and access to a car.

These girls are all good kids who do well in school and don't drink, smoke, etc. These kids also seem to have a lot more freedom, and fewer parental rules, than my daughter does and that's where the problem arises.

I am NOT comfortable with my daughter riding around in cars with 16/17 year old drivers. I am NOT comfortable with her being at someone else's house without a parent being home. I limit the number of sleepovers she attends, even in the summer. I am NOT comfortable with her just "hanging out" at someone's house.

My daughter and I were discussing all this at lunch yesterday. She said that if I don't allow her to do these things then she's not going to have any friends. She said they'll leave her out of whatever plans they have. I explained to her that I was not saying she couldn't do things this summer with her friends, but that we do have certain rules and they are for her well-being and safety. I explained that we are not trying to put a damper on her summer fun, but as parents we feel the need to monitor certain things.

We don't have to worry about her staying out late at night or going to parties or anything like that because she has no desire to do so, which is good because we wouldn't allow it anyway. If she's not at the occasional sleepover with her dance friends, then she is here with us. Many times she has a friend or two spending the day or night at our house.

Most of the time, things work out fine and she gets to do things with her friends and we are okay with that. I just know there are going to be times this summer when certain situations come up, (riding somewhere with a teen driver is probably my biggest concern), and my daughter is going to feel like she's the only one who has parents who monitor her activities and whereabouts.

I would much rather take her and pick her up than have her in cars with young drivers. I still insist that there is a parent at someone else's house if she is going to be spending any time there. She is not out late at night or just "hanging out" somewhere, (but then again, this isn't really a problem.)

I know a lot of her friends make plans and go places and do things on the spur of the moment, and they often spend an entire day away from home. I'm just not comfortable with that. I have to know where she is going, who she is going with, what time to pick her up, etc.

Am I holding the reins too tight? And yes, I include my husband in this. We agree totally on the rules we've set, but it seems to fall more to me to uphold them. He works, I'm at home much more. How do you handle summer with your teens?

 

[Tiggeroo]

I agree with the young driver thing but you are probably going to have to lighten up a bit. Teens make plans spur of the moment. If all of your dd's friends parents work it's going to be tough for her to never be at a house with no adults. A group of 2-4 girls hanging out at a house for a couple hours while parents are at work is generally a safe thing. It all depends on whether you trust her because if you throw boys into the mix that's different. Monitor her activities and whereabouts. Check sometimes so she knows you will be checking up on her. Don't give her unlimited hours to just roam around. But part of being a teen is just hanging out. Some of that will be later at night now then when she was 14. With my kids I have two sets of rules. One for if I know the parents, know the house and am very comfortable and another if I'm not. There are friends who I was ok with them being at the house til 1am and some I wouldn't let them hang at at all.

 

[JimB.]

We pretty much let out DD do her own thing, but we REQUIRE that we know WHERE she is, WHO she is with, WHAT she is doing. She has to call us whenever she leaves point A & gets to point B.

We do not set a specific uerfew time. It depends on what she is involved with, but she usually comes home relatively early on her own.

And we have set forth that she is D-E-A-D if we EVER catch her in a lie. She knows she can buy more freedom with good behavior than she can ever steal by sneaking around.

So far, no problems. We have put a lot of trust in our kids and have not been disappointed. But they KNOW there are CONSEQUENCES if they betray that trust.

 

[Disney Ella]

Letting them in cars with teen drivers really scares me and my kids aren't even teenagers yet! Our nephew is paralyzed after riding with a newly licensed driver who felt the need to demonstrate just how fast the car could go. It flipped over, nephew broke his neck and the driver only had a few bruises.

A few kids hanging out in the house alone doesn't seem unreasonable to me, but as other have said, I would be calling and maybe asking a neighbor to drop by and check. And boys definitely wouldn't be allowed if I wasn't there.

 

[NMAmy]

My house is getting to be the "hang out" place. I have no idea why--according to dd, I am MUCH meaner than all the other moms but well, there you have it. Every weekend, we have 3-4 girls spending the night. It costs me a fortune in food and dvd's but at least I know where they are.

However, if I'm not home, the rules change a bit. She has a couple of friends that I will allow to come over when I'm not there. No boys at all. (And we have Grandma drop by from time to time, unannounced, to make sure no one is there who isn't supposed to be.) The ones who are allowed are girls I've known for years and trust to have a good head on their shoulders. Only one is allowed at a time--I don't want a big group of people there when I'm not home. So far, dd has not abused this privilige but she knows it'll be taken away and she'll be spending all day with Grandma if she doesn't follow the rules and get her chores done.

DD has a learner's permit but none of her friends have licenses so that's not an issue. We live in a pretty small town so I will let her walk to a friend's house or the library or the ice cream shop. She calls me when she leaves and when she arrives. I have her so well trained that she actually called me from a friend's house the other day (when she was spending the night) to ask me if it was okay if the girl's father took them out for ice cream.

I do a lot of driving because I do insist on taking her places and picking her up. I also talk to the parents of her friends to make sure we all are on the same page. No saying "I'm sleeping over at J's," J says she's sleeping over at my house, and then running around all night. (I was a teenager once, too, and I'm NOT stupid!)

I have to laugh because I went to school with both of the parents of one friend. Her dad is SO overprotective and is always calling me to doublecheck everything his dd says. He was one of the biggest partiers in school when we were kids. And now he's scared to death of what his daughter will do.

It's so hard to find a balance. You just need to do what you're comfortable with. I've found, in talking with the other parents, that I'm not being unreasonable at all. It's good to have that reinforcement.

 

[Maleficent13]

At that age as a teen I had pretty loose restrictions. I did tell my parents where I was going and who with, but I ceased having to "ask permission" as long as I was home by curfew and kept them in the loop. When I went outside the loop, however, I was grounded. As someone else mentioned, I was given the freedom as a responsible kid, and as long as I upheld their expectations, all was cool.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My dd is 15. She has her own cell phone, debit card and ID.

Right now she is 500 miles away from us visiting her old friends & our family back home. We moved from MO to TX last year. I do have my family and friends to look out for her.

As far as the car issue, well we have not allowed it yet but we will this year. DD will be getting her learner's permit in July so we feel it is time to travel this road. Alot of kids have there license already as a sophmore.

As far as hanging out without parents, well it will depend on how well dd is holding up the rules we have.
If I trust her then I will be relaxed more. She knows this already and will fully expect to be monitored if she blows it.

My motto with her has been...
If you are not doing well it means you need my help and guidance and I will be in your business, all nooks & crannies.
If you are following the rules and doing well in school which includes ASKING FOR HELP when you need it, then I won't be in your business.

My dd finally "got that" in 7th grade and we have had a few bumps but she really has become more responsible for her stuff, we expect it.

Hold on for this year right mom's????? .....

 

[luvflorida]

My motto with her has been...
If you are not doing well it means you need my help and guidance and I will be in your business, all nooks & crannies.
If you are following the rules and doing well in school which includes ASKING FOR HELP when you need it, then I won't be in your business.

You're too funny! I want to print this and put it on our fridge!

 

[N.Bailey]

I'm constantly having little battles like this too. What's bad (and good at the same time) about our area is that there are LOTS of swimming places around here. We have a huge manmade lake in our town and it houses the biggest marina in the state (just to give an example of size) with several beaches for locals. We also have several other rather large swimming areas with beaches and such that are not part of the lake. Some are touristy with various water-craft rentals and such and others not so much. I don't believe any of these areas have lifeguards. Our area is certainly not the beach, but it's the next best thing and many tourists visit during the summer months from all across the state. Keep in mind that we have a boat and a pool at home, so it's not like my kids don't get to participate in these things and we have lots of friends over for them to hang out with. They also go to the town pool now and again just to be around a lot of people. I don't mind that as there is a lifeguard on duty.

Go back a few years and my daughter's best friend has an older sister. This older sister showed my daughter how to spray hair spray into your hand, then light it and open your hand for cool effects. This is just ONE example of the inappropriate things this girl has shown my daughter, but I'll spare you the rest. The older sister at the time also smoked, fought regularly, and there were rumors that she was doing drugs. She also became pregnant while in school. She's a few years older now, but I am still not comfortable enough to allow my daughter to be in her care. My daughter just can't understand why I will not allow her to ride with this girl and go to the lake with them. At this point, she's really the only person that drives that I've had to deal with. Keep in mind too that I do NOT allow my children to swim without being properly supervised and this includes our own home.

Most of the kids her age are given much more freedoms than my daughter in general. I just don't know how to let go. I figure, I'm given one chance to make the right decisions and if I mess up, well, I don't even want to think about that. I'm sure there are many out there who would love the opportunity to have a do-over. I don't want to be one of those parents!

I do try to give them more and more freedom each year and I'm getting a little better, but I'm with you OP, sometimes you need to be the bad guy and say, "NO!"

 

[miss missy]

My DS now 21, told me when he was 16 that I was the meanest mother! He said "everyone else can do it" yada yada... it seemed he WASN'T lying! his friends had no rules!!! Boy that make my life H E double hockey sticks! I had such a hard time with him those years, because I was the only parents that had rules and was on the ball. Most took attitude like "they are going to do it anyway... we did the same things and we are ok... ect. It was very hard on us. I dunno maybe those parents are still "doing the same things"

Anyway my Son always said boredom=trouble.

The friends they choose are the biggest thing. You are what you are with. Just watch that closely. So far she has done well from what you said.

I am not big on the driving young thing. Rules are needed on that one for sure.

I wil be where you are with DD in a couple years I can wait

 

[Snowysmom]

My younger DS is 16 and will be 17 at the end of the summer. He has his driver's license but cannot drive kids yet. He has one friend who can drive kids and we let him go with him. There are other friends of his who we do not trust as drivers and have told him he cannot drive with them, ever. He needs to be home by midnight and since he can't drive after midnight by law, it works out. He has to tell us where he is going, who he is with, and if he goes elsewhere, he needs to call us. He can go to his friends houses even if no one is home (usually there are 3-4 guys) but we need to know that too. He cannot go to his girlfriend's house if no one else is home. He works part time and we know his work schedule too. Also, he is not allowed in pools unless a parent is home and I have seen the parent. Too much can go on with teens horsing around in a swimming pool. Luckily the only friend who has a pool lives next door and I can see the pool from my house. He has fun and we have peace of mind knowing where he is and who he is with. We still ask older DS, 20, where he is going and who he will be with.

 

[ozarkmom]

My dd will be 16 in July and at that time will be legal to drive by herself. Alot of her friends are also older and have been driving. She is allowed to ride with a couple of them to select places. I don't have a problem with her visiting at friends houses (girls only) that I know if parents aren't home and it's okay with them. She occasionally goes with some of her girlfriends to our country club where she swims, plays golf and hangs out with her friends. I actually wish she got out a little more than she does. Compared to older and younger brothers she's nearly introverted. I know everyone that my kids hang out with we're a small community I know the parents we keep in touch. I've always told my kids that we have a mommy line that's how I know so much. They have rules, curfews etc. but until they give me reason not to let them they pretty much get to visit and do alot.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I'm totally with you on the teen driver thing and I hate that part of parenting! My son will turn 16 the end of September, and will also be a junior, so we are in the same boat. My DD was a December birthday (she's now 18yo) and another boy has a Sept birthday, so this is something that I have been dealing with an will be dealing with for a long time. Luckily Jake is old for his grade (Dec birthday, but one of the older ones in his class), so he will be the ones that other parents don't want driving around their kids.

My 15yo can go to houses that don't have an adult present under very limited circumstances. I have to know the child and the parents. I'm not talking a party atmosphere, but just him over there or he can have one person here if we're not home as long as that parent knows we're not home. We haven't had any problems yet. My son is happy spending hours on the computer making techno music or designing websites, etc so he's not as social as my DD was.

It's an awkward stage for sure.

My bigger issue with him is giving him more freedom to do things like ride mass transportation. He's allowed to ride the county bus, which he's figured out with the help of a friend. Next week he's going to a camp and will be taking the DC Metro. My DH will go with him the first day and the camp he's going to is across the street from the metro station, but I'm scared to death about that freedom. My son doesn't seem worried at all, however. Let's see where he ends up that first day when he rides home! Thank goodness for cell phones!

 

[Friendofthemouse]

You have to give kids the chance to make mistakes and learn from them.

Put her in a situation to do something wrong and see what happens.

In my experience, limiting freedom only creates rebelion. She'll be more likely to do something wrong just to spite you.

Plus, she'll turn 18, and have nothing in her but the 'get away from mom and dad' spiteful rebellion

 

[MerryPoppins]

DD is 15. She gets her permit this fall. A lot of her friends are starting to drive now. I guess this issue is going to start coming up. I guess I'd be okay with her going out to lunch with a teen driver - if I know who it is and I trust their driving skills. She's got pretty good judgement when it comes to safety. Evening or summer activities will depend on the who and where of it all.

She has a cell phone. She still has to ask permission. (DS that just graduated from high school does too when he's living under our roof.) But we seldom say no. Only if we don't like the sound of the mix of kids or if the family has other plans.

We've also said no when DD was invited to a movie night at a boy's house when he couldn't confirm that his parents would be home. No friends at our house without parents at home - at least unless they've cleared it with us first. I might let her be at another girls house if a parent wasn't there - again it would depend, but I'd want to clear it and the parent would have to know. DH doesn't like her going with a bunch of boys anywhere unless there are other girls in the group. She hasn't started dating yet, but we'd be okay with that if we okayed the boy. At this point she prefers group activities and that's okay with us.

DS says his friends all say he has to coolest parents. So the rules haven't kept him from having lots of friends. But he could always call us if something spur of the moment came up, to get permission to change his plans.