Issues trying to get future son-in-law to come on vacations

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by melcwa, May 15, 2018.

  1. Helvetica

    Helvetica Mouseketeer

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    Being cautious about one's finances isn't necessarily a bad thing. I didn't go on my first vacation until I was 33 because I wanted to get my own financial house in order first. If he's not comfortable, then I think you should respect his decision. If you want to get him a small souvenir or something from the trip, I'd probably ask him first.

    Just let him know that the door is open. If not this time, then maybe he'll be more accepting the next time.
     
  2. QueenIsabella

    QueenIsabella DIS Veteran

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    As someone who grew up poor, I need to tell you--this is a true issue, for him, and one that you can't just "wish away". I know I have money anxiety. Even now--DH and I do fine. DH has a good job, we have a decent house, retirement accounts, college funds for the kids--I STILL have money anxiety. I accept that it's my problem to deal with. If I hit the lottery tomorrow, it wouldn't make my money anxiety go away, although I'd be driving a much nicer vehicle while having it, ha ha!

    I HAVE learned that my anxieties are not reality, and I try very hard not to make my issues, our kids' issues. Or let my issues keep us from enjoying life. The rational side of me knows the anxieties are irrational. Please give this young man some time and space on this one. Being that poor--verge of homeless poor--changes who you are.
     
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  4. jdb in AZ

    jdb in AZ It could end up curdled

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    Our son-in-law wasn't too thrilled about cruising with the in-laws, until DD and he had kids. Then he saw the benefits of free built-in babysitters. FWIW, he grew up in a not-so-prosperous home and is still careful with $$$ but he and DDIL manage to pay their own way on our vacations.
     
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  5. mousehockey37

    mousehockey37 DIS Veteran

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    So since the OP hasn't addressed this yet, and you had a similar (it seems) background, how did you do with receiving gifts for Christmas and birthdays?
     
  6. robinb

    robinb DIS Veteran

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    That is reassuring that he's not controlling. I do still worry that his anxiety about spending money will have a negative influence on the marriage if your DD is not on the same page. It seems to me that his relationship with money isn't anything that will change in the future and your DD's eyes should be wide open before she says her vows.

    Don't get me wrong! I'm all for living within your means and making good financial choices. I admire him for that. I just think that travel and vacations (or other fun things) need to be budgeted along with paying off debt. Both can be done together. I'm not talking about something expensive like Hawaii or WDW, but just a weekend somewhere together every once in a while. To quote The Shining, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
     
  7. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    Okay, we are talking College AND Grad School.
    Is he gainfully employeed?
    Does he earn a decent wage?

    I am with those who think that it seems very clear that this young man does have some deep-seated psychological issues.
    And, if this is true, then it WILL affect the DD's life. Maybe to a huge and unacceptable level.

    OP, your daughter is planning on marrying this man.
    Has he ever even dated her. Or, that just wasn't an acceptable expense.
    Where and how does he live?
    Does he plan on any kind of Honeymoon?

    I also want to chime in on the 'growing up destitute' thing.
    THIS WAS ME!!!!
    My dad was disabled, died before 60, etc...
    i have several siblings...
    We had NOTHING.
    So, yes, I very very much, 110%, can understand 'growing up poor'.
    Guess what.... I LOVE to travel. As I stated, travel and getaways are mental health breaks for me.
    These things mean a lot to me.
    If anything, growing up 'without', taught me the importance of overcoming that.
    And, I did.

    On the other hand, my DH was an only son...
    His parents were products of the depression.
    They ended up with a TON of money... I mean a TON....
    To them, nothing was a valid expense. NOTHING.
    They lived out in nowhere, went nowhere, DH's mom stayed home and took care of everything, without spending one extra dime.
    DH grew up there, going nowhere, having nothing, doing nothing... And his parents taught him that this is the way things should be.
    Psychologically, he grew up in a culture and mentality of self denial.

    My DH did NOT grow up poor.
    But he also grew up with a lot of the psychological effects of growing up destitute.

    I grew up learning that I was NOT going to be that way, and that I was not into self-denial. That I was going to go out there and work hard and do better and enjoy life and enjoy doing the things that I wanted to enjoy.

    DH, for the longest time, always and forever, had the stance that we could not do or have anything because 'we couldn't afford it.'
    WOW.... talk about irony....
    (Just to satisfy everyone, yes, now, we have traveled, continue to travel... We have our suitcases out, packing, at this very moment.)

    Look, you guys...
    I do understand this thing, totally, and from both sides.

    OP, if this guy has a college degree, has gone thru or is going thru grad school, and can see a financially successful future, yet he can't go out to listen to music, a sporting event, or ANYTHING else it happens to be that he might possibly enjoy.... I can guarantee you that there are some deep-seated issues there that are going to affect the DD's life.
    What happens when they have a child, and the DD wants the OP's young granddaughter to be able to go places, see things, do things, enjoy things????

    Just some things to think about.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
  8. Antaniasmom

    Antaniasmom DISNEY FANATIC !!!

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    Yes he is entitled to say no...I think in doing so he is depriving himself of some really great trips. I am very prideful myself but I have learned to let it go when my in laws want to pay for meals while on vacation or if they want to buy my DD tickets to WDW. We work way too hard not to go away. Maybe he might give in but you can't force him either. It's a shame cuz it sounds like he's really missing out.
     
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  9. sk!mom

    sk!mom DIS Veteran

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    I look at it a little differently than some. It's quite possible that he cannot afford to go on trips right now if he is paying off student debt. It also isn't a bad thing that he prefers to pay his own way in life.

    Whether this is the case or not, bottom line, this isn't your problem. It is between him and your DD to figure out how they will manage money as well as how much they spend on travel. Some people do not travel and they seem perfectly happy. Weird to those of us on a travel centric board but not abnormal.
     
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  10. anniemae

    anniemae Either she is eating a delicious

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    So many questions. Where is OP??? LOL!!

    what does your dd think?

    Does dd like to travel?

    If so, will he be okay with her joining you and he stays home?
     
  11. melcwa

    melcwa Earning My Ears

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    Yes, she likes to travel. He is fine with her going on trips and doing other outings with us. My wife and I both fear that eventually he will feel left out or disconnected from the family.
     
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  12. soccerdad72

    soccerdad72 DIS Veteran

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    How the heck do you get 'deep-seated psychological issues' from what the OP has posted? Seriously, how can anyone diagnose something like that on a message board with minimal details?
     
  13. Floridaman999

    Floridaman999 Livin' the life

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    I've only been here a short time but I've seen this type of proclamation made several times. It's scary how many armchair psychiatrists there are here.
     
  14. mousehockey37

    mousehockey37 DIS Veteran

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    He'll come along when he's ready. It may just have to be a clever approach to getting him to do so, but just know that it's not up to you. Like we've all said, you've offered, he declined.
     
  15. sk!mom

    sk!mom DIS Veteran

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    A similar experience growing up may be why I don't think the young man is crazy to think an expensive trip is an extravagance that he cannot afford. DH and I grew up poor and financial stability is very important to us. We vacationed very modestly in the early years while we paid off debt.

    I would agree that debt can be a prison but I think my angle is different. We chose to pay it off as quickly as possible so that we had stability and the freedom to spend without worry.

    And, no, not everyone in the universe has debt. That's what those in debt tell themselves to feel better.
     
  16. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    But, this isn't about whether he can afford a costly trip, like Disney.
    You keep posting as if this is about what he can or cannot afford.
    He isn't being expected too.
    At this point, he is choosing to let these viewpoints/preferences (to put these things in as much of a positive spin as I can possibly muster) and issues affect his relationship with his fiance.
    What about HER preferences and desires.
    IMHO, that is what this is all about.

    I wonder how he feels about the possibility that the OP would be paying, or helping to pay, for the upcoming wedding.
    Or, would that be 'charity'. Would that just not be acceptable.
    If it is okay, then why would that be acceptable, but all these other things are not.
    Would the DD be expected to forego the nice wedding that she and her mother might have in mind, because of his 'viewpoints'?
    Because he is into self denial and does not see any valuable in things like 'experiences' and 'memories'.

    Like I just said. A lot to think about.
     
  17. Helvetica

    Helvetica Mouseketeer

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    Who knows... Maybe being home alone playing Xbox while everyone else is away is his vacation.
     
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  18. sam_gordon

    sam_gordon DIS Veteran

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    OK, I can't resist anymore. You can't guarantee a thing. You're getting one side of a story, and second hand at that.

    Why do people feel their beliefs, the way they do things, or what they went through is the only "right" way for things to happen?

    Maybe the guy doesn't want to travel with the In laws.
    Maybe the guy doesn't want to go to Disney.
    Maybe the guy doesn't want to fly.
    Maybe whatever perfectly valid reason this guy has, he's embarrassed by it and is using the "no handout" as an excuse.
    Maybe the daughter is "in on it" and doesn't want to make mom upset.


    Maybe the guy doesn't want someone else paying for something that he doesn't put a lot of value in.

    People also change over time. So saying "well, he doesn't want to go out now means he'll never take kids anywhere" is a leap larger the Grand Canyon.
     
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  19. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    The OP said, trips "and other outings". Not just extended travel.
    It sounds possible that he is letting any issues keep him from spending any real amount of time doing anything with the family.
    Maybe 'money' is his excuse...
    Maybe he is just so introverted that doing anything other than staying at home (Xbox or whatever else) is the true issue.
    Either way.... Whatever the true reasons, the OP's daughter should be well aware and informed of these situations before tying the knot.

    I personally could not be happy married to somebody who could never go anywhere or do anything. Whatever the reason.
     
  20. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    Sam, did you miss the one all important 'if' and preface there???
    Whatever.... no further comment.
    :cool1:
     
  21. sam_gordon

    sam_gordon DIS Veteran

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    And you have no idea what arrangements have been made ahead of time regarding paying for the wedding. Just like you say he should listen to HER preferences, she needs to listen to HIS. Why would anyone put a spouse (present or future) in a situation where they feel uncomfortable?
     

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