Issues trying to get future son-in-law to come on vacations

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by melcwa, May 15, 2018.

  1. disykat

    disykat DIS Veteran

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    I find this funny, because I would have quoted the exact same thing and said "it sounds like he is smart to understand his means and live within them."

    Like people are saying above it hasn't been said that he doesn't like to do any fun things, only that he has issues with things that cost a lot of money since he is in a lot of debt.

    Nothing was every really said about whether he thinks he will ever be willing to travel or do these kinds of activities, only that he doesn't do them at this point due to finances.


    I have a huge issue with your statement that seems to imply once you marry you can only do what your spouse wants to. My own DH honestly thought he wouldn't ever be willing to travel. Having never even vacationed, how would he have known? I married him prepared to deal with that because I know I'm capable of traveling on my own if he didn't want to. Fortunately he's decided that most of the stuff I enjoy is fun. I feel much worse for him because he has been unable to convert me to some of his interests (dirt biking, hunting, watching sporting events, transportation museums, etc.) I refuse to do those things, but happily send him off on his own or with his friends to do them.

    I've known several couples with long successful marriages where one spouse doesn't like to travel and the other travels a lot.
     
  2. SG131

    SG131 Mouseketeer

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    You know, I’m going to take a slightly different opinion. To me, it doesn’t sound like the OP is being pushy. He asked each time a vacation was planned and it was declined. It sounds like the reason the OP is asking instead of just leaving it is because his daughter has further involved either him or his wife by talking to them about the big fight.

    For the OP, I think the best thing is to do encourage your daughter to try to have a calm conversation about what’s going on, if need be with the help of a counselor or pastor or someone else qualified. If he doesn’t want to travel and she accepts that it’s great, but if this is a problem that’s going to cause a huge fight, it would be best for them to work through it now before the wedding. It could be as simple as he doesn’t want handouts or it could be more than that and 10 years down the road he doesn’t want to take the kids on a vacation with or without the in-laws.
     
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  4. anniemae

    anniemae Either she is eating a delicious

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    I don't think it has anything to do with "can we go" it's more, "should we go." It sounds like he has a different idea than the OP and her dd about what it's okay to spend money on. Growing up poor, he probably did not do anything "frivolous" that many of us did, like vacations, movies, mini golf, dinners out etc. He seems to be set against spending money on "extras" and he will either get over it or he won't. Sounds like he has deep seeded issues around money due to the fact that he grew up without any. Even if he became very financially secure, these old ways may not leave him. Kind of like the older people who grew up in the depression would hoard cans of food since it was so scarce, would still do it long after the depression when food was plentiful. It was survival instinct. This man could see money as only for necessities like food and rent.
     
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  5. mousehockey37

    mousehockey37 DIS Veteran

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    First off, we don't have both sides here. So based on what we do have...

    OP, I believe you are trying to do something nice for him/them, really, I do. However, he's obviously not had an easy time growing up. It sounds like he's had to work very hard for everything he's done and takes great pride in that. This mentality is not something that will be broken down overnight, if ever. He sees the world differently due to the way he's had to live his life. Would it be nice if he could bring some of the walls down? Sure. But that's not for you to do. That's not even for your daughter to do.

    How does he do with getting gifts at Christmas or his birthday? Is he accepting of things then?
     
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  6. FutureDisneyEventPlanner

    FutureDisneyEventPlanner DIS Veteran

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    THIS is a very good question. I'm sure either the OP and/or his daughter has gotten him gifts at some point...
     
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  7. quandrea

    quandrea DIS Veteran

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    This would be a deal breaker for me. I can see that he has no desire to travel with the in laws. I wouldn’t consider travelling with dh’s parents or my parents. Just not into extended family holidays. However, not travelling at all would be a relationship death knell. That is for your daughter to decide. It is unrealistic however, to think that you can change people. She has to decide if not travelling once married is something she is okay with.
     
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  8. Hikergirl

    Hikergirl DIS Veteran

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    This is what the OP said
    We are going to WDW in August and we have been all trying to get him to come on trip including our daughter.

    Sounds like the OP, the dd and whoever the we all have been pushing to get him to go on this latest trip. Since they already know how he feels then that does come off as being pushy.
     
  9. disykat

    disykat DIS Veteran

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    That brings up a whole 'nother issue. Is giving someone something they don't want really a gift?

    Obviously OP's offer is generous. It is a gift to her dd and to the family. However, it really isn't a gift for future SIL in my mind. In this case, him being willing to go would be the gift, and that's not something he's ready to give at this point.
     
  10. longboard55

    longboard55 DIS Veteran

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    we bring a BF on a lot of trips, all you can do is explain that brining him makes the trip more enjoyable for everyone. To be honest we hate it when he does not come because our daughters schedule and ours do not match at all. Send them off and have fun and we do our thing, meet for dinner and everyone is happy.
     
  11. Bren's Mom

    Bren's Mom DIS Veteran

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    My dh loves to travel, but not with my parents. He's done it, because I've asked him to. And he 'tolerates' it, for me on those occasions when it's important to me. BUT, he's never ever prevented me or our son (or even my dss with his bio-mom's permission) from traveling with my parents or sibling. My mom isn't thrilled about this, she wants him to always want to go, but sometimes he just isn't interested, and I'm not going to force him. He also doesn't love Disney, and wouldn't choose to go and spend money ON HIMSELF to be there. But I went with my son and mom alone when he was little, and with my parents and sibling/family once when he was a little older. It was great, my dh was happy for us to go and enjoy, and happy to not be forced. Win-win! We go on our own vacations sans any other family members when we choose.

    This, however, seems different from op's issue. I think there's something deeper at work. It could have nothing to do with her. But it does give me concern for her dd.
     
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  12. Poohforyou

    Poohforyou DIS Veteran

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    I would back off on him but I'd be having some conversations with my daughter. Life changes when you get married and each person needs to sometimes compromise and sometimes just give in to things that really matter to the other person.

    OP, I hope your daughter has thought about how his tight spending will affect her life.

    This isn't simply about being responsible about paying bills. Almost all of us have bills every month that get paid and still allow for fun.

    Are they going on a honeymoon?
     
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  13. mousehockey37

    mousehockey37 DIS Veteran

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    I don't believe it's a matter of explanation. He's one of the growing many that obviously had a rough time growing up. He learned from a young age that you make sure you have your essentials and everything else is a luxury. There may need to be a point where a professional steps in and they start working on things so that he can incorporate luxuries into his life as he gets married and hopefully life is a little easier.

    This is why I asked about how he handles receiving gifts for Christmas/birthday. I'm interested to see what the OP has for an answer for that.
     
  14. melcwa

    melcwa Earning My Ears

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    He's fine with her traveling without him.
     
  15. robinb

    robinb DIS Veteran

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    I agree that the OP should back off. Continuing to offer at this point would just push them both away.

    I do think that I would have some concerns about possible control issues over money in the future. It sure sounds like he has some very strong opinions on what is and what is not a "valid" expenditure and that could spell trouble if both of them are not on the same page. I'm not saying that he's necessarily wrong in his views but I guess it depends on how deep-seated they are and how they will affect the daughter. I would hate to be in a relationship where every single dollar spent needs to be authorized by a parsimonious husband.
     
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  16. melcwa

    melcwa Earning My Ears

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    He has said that he would like to travel at some point. But, it will be several years until his debts are paid off and he is also looking at a buying a new car soon because his 12-year-old car isn't in great shape.
     
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  17. MaryAnnDVC

    MaryAnnDVC "Mare", DISing since '99; prefers being tagless

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    I’m not sure how hounding him to do something he doesn’t want to do will make him feel in any way whatsoever “welcome.”

    Reminds me of people who hound others to eat what they don’t want to eat, or to dance at weddings when they don’t want to dance.

    Make the offer, tell them they’re welcome to come, and let them decide.
     
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  18. melcwa

    melcwa Earning My Ears

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    He's not a controlling person at all. He is just always worried about money.
     
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  19. TheIncredibles!

    TheIncredibles! Winner (?) of the Crazy MIL Award

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    It could also be that he just doesn't want to travel with you and there's nothing wrong with that. Some people have limited vacation time and the last thing they want to do is to use it to go on somebody else's vacation. If he wants to travel someday on a vacation he planned and paid for then and he has no problem waiting for that then good for him.
     
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  20. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    If you truly want to make him feel welcome and part of the family, it sounds like patience is your friend.
     
  21. GreatLakes

    GreatLakes DIS Veteran

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    It is pretty impossible to really know what the deal is from the little bit here. We also don't really know what the "fight" was about. I can tell you though that people are affected by how they grew up. It sounds like this guy had some significant life occurrences at a young age. Maybe he doesn't like handouts because they make him feel guilty or "in debt" even though it is a gift, maybe it is a self-reliance thing, we won't know since we don't know him. What I would say OP is stop offering to take them on trips. You now how he feels and once you were told there is no good that will come from offering again. If they really are very different on how they like to travel one or both of them need to learn to compromise.
     

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