Issues trying to get future son-in-law to come on vacations

[Disneylovingmomof2]

Do you reserve the right to accept or decline the invitations as you choose?

I’d never decline a chance to go on a trip bc of my ego. Why are you guys so mad about this??? If ops daughter is going to be happy living like that then that’s all that matters.

 

[dish rag]

I’d never decline a chance to go on a trip bc of my ego. Why are you guys so mad about this??? If ops daughter is going to be happy living like that then that’s all that matters.

Many of us are not takers. We don't feel comfortable to have others pay our way. We would rather be the ones paying. This guy would probably be embarrassed and I don't blame him.

 

[cabanafrau]

I’d never decline a chance to go on a trip bc of my ego. Why are you guys so mad about this??? If ops daughter is going to be happy living like that then that’s all that matters.

??? I didn't ask you anything about ego, or imply anything about ego. I don't even know if ego has anything to do with OP's situation or not. I'm certainly not mad about anything. The SIL may well be a prospective nightmare spouse and IL. The only one in the thread who actually knows him doesn't seem to agree with that assessment -- says he's not controlling, is eagerly looking forward to vacationing with him and is wanting to welcome him into the family. The one and only thing OP seems concerned about is the fact that the prospective SIL won't accept the persistent invitations to vacation with their family, on their dime, on their timetable.

It's strange that you are so set in your viewpoint on this that you cannot even answer a hypothetical about yourself directly.

 

[YCCS]

Holy hell, what a bunch of exaggeration and reading your own narrative into a situation.

The SIL said can't afford a trip right now and he isn't comfortable letting his future FIL pay his way. That's it. It's very simple.

He got a little testy after being repeatedly nagged about it by various family members. He was probably 1)annoyed because no one is listening to him 2) no one is respecting his personal values 3) embarrassed because every time someone brings it up again it's just another reminder that he's in a difficult financial situation right now.

The OP, himself, has said that the SIL isn't controlling and is interested in traveling in the future when his debt is paid down.

Suddenly, he has all sorts of psychiatric issues because he is being financially responsible.

These are young people, they have their whole lives ahead of them to travel when they are more financially secure.

How many of you would not get annoyed if people kept disregarding your feelings and values and kept trying to change you mind about something you firmly believed in?

 

[Wishing on a star]

WOW.... So very many here only seeing their own singular limited narrow belief/agenda, and missing ALL of the marks here.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I will just add....
If this future SIL is 'not comfortable' with this family.... whether personally, financially, or any other-ly.
My ONLY advice, the same advice I had from page one, would be for the DD to be addressing ASAP.

(And, of course, that the OP needs to back off)

 

[Disneylovingmomof2]

??? I didn't ask you anything about ego, or imply anything about ego. I don't even know if ego has anything to do with OP's situation or not. I'm certainly not mad about anything. The SIL may well be a prospective nightmare spouse and IL. The only one in the thread who actually knows him doesn't seem to agree with that assessment -- says he's not controlling, is eagerly looking forward to vacationing with him and is wanting to welcome him into the family. The one and only thing OP seems concerned about is the fact that the prospective SIL won't accept the persistent invitations to vacation with their family, on their dime, on their timetable.

It's strange that you are so set in your viewpoint on this that you cannot even answer a hypothetical about yourself directly.

I did answer. If someone offered me a trip and I could logistically go I would. The whole thing is about ego, in my opinion.

 

[luvsJack]

If one day I have the problem of people wanting to take me on vacations I’ll be ok with being called spoiled

So no matter where someone offers to take you on vacation, you will go? Its a requirement? Personally, I would love for someone to hand me $XXXXX and say "go to Hawaii" but would be more reluctant for them say "we are going to Hawaii, and we will pay for you to go with us". I guess that could be seen a bit odd or maybe even spoiled??

My own son and dil offered to pay for dh and I to go with them to Universal, I agree to go but told them to please use that money for something special for the kids and let us pay our own way. All I could think of was them having to tell one of the kids they couldn't have a Harry Potter wand because they had to pay for Grandma to come along! I would have been so upset!! (that wasn't going to happen, of course, but I am a worrier of things that don't happen lol)

Everyone is different about how they feel about things. I just hate that the sil is being made into the bad guy because he doesn't want to let his finace's daddy pay his way.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

He doesn't want to accept such a generous offer. It makes him uncomfortable. Surely he isn't required to completely disregard his feelings.

One of the idiosyncrasies in our family is sometimes something like a dinner turns into a minor argument over who gets to pay. Everybody wants to treat because nobody wants to feel like they are taking advantage of the payer.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Holy hell, what a bunch of exaggeration and reading your own narrative into a situation.

The SIL said can't afford a trip right now and he isn't comfortable letting his future FIL pay his way. That's it. It's very simple.

He got a little testy after being repeatedly nagged about it by various family members. He was probably 1)annoyed because no one is listening to him 2) no one is respecting his personal values 3) embarrassed because every time someone brings it up again it's just another reminder that he's in a difficult financial situation right now.

The OP, himself, has said that the SIL isn't controlling and is interested in traveling in the future when his debt is paid down.

Suddenly, he has all sorts of psychiatric issues because he is being financially responsible.

These are young people, they have their whole lives ahead of them to travel when they are more financially secure.

How many of you would not get annoyed if people kept disregarding your feelings and values and kept trying to change you mind about something you firmly believed in?

 

[Wishing on a star]

LuvsJack....
Apples to Oranges...
If you simply could not afford that trip at the time, but your family really wanted you there to spend time as grandparents with the kids...
Would you have obliged their wishes...
Or, simply said... NOPE... no family vacation.

Thinking about the whole, blanket, no apologies, 'NOPE' thing... it begins to occur to me that this could possibly be what I would define as passive-aggressive.

 

[cabanafrau]

I did answer. If someone offered me a trip and I could logistically go I would. The whole thing is about ego, in my opinion.

What if the person generously inviting you was dismissive of your logistics, thought it was about ego?

It's possible OP as narrator or the DD as witness may have omitted pertinent information for whatever reason. I believe the fact that this SIL is carrying student loan debt may indicate he is in the formative years of his career. Who's to say he's not in a situation where a long weekend is feasible, but asking for an extended period of time isn't? Might he not in fact be holding out to use some extended time off for the wedding and/or possible honeymoon? It could be that kind of info. was or was not conveyed to OP and it's also possible that it's not being credited as a valid reason. Some people assume that their ability to take time off at their whim holds true for everyone.

 

[jrmasm]

WOW.... So very many here only seeing their own singular limited narrow belief/agenda, and missing ALL of the marks here.

 

[cabanafrau]

LuvsJack....
Apples to Oranges...
If you simply could not afford that trip at the time, but your family really wanted you there to spend time as grandparents with the kids...
Would you have obliged their wishes...
Or, simply said... NOPE... no family vacation.

Thinking about the whole, blanket, no apologies, 'NOPE' thing... it begins to occur to me that this could possibly be what I would define as passive-aggressive.

And repeatedly pestering an adult who has exerted their right to refuse invitations for whatever reason could not be termed passive aggressive. Of course not.

 

[NotUrsula]

The ONLY thing that would be concerning is if the SIL came up with ways to stop the daughter from traveling in future, because it seems she does like to travel. The danger is that once they are married, he may well pressure her to no longer take free travel gifts (or any gifts) from her parents, because he may resent the implication that he can't support his own family. I'd say they really need to talk that out and get an agreement that any decisions about gifts from her family to herself or their children are hers to make.

IME, people have a tendency to fall into one of two categories, generally. There are people who most value experiences, and there are people who most value things. Many, many people who grew up poor will fall into the latter category, because of their childhood deprivation. Very often, people who value things will wistfully say that they would like to travel someday, but mostly they don't mean it, because that little voice in the back of their minds will always insist that things can be used over and over again, while experiences are gone immediately, and are therefore a frivolous waste of money. If they have been raised with the whole "poor, but proud" mentality, they won't take experiences as gifts, either, because it's a point of pride that they don't waste money, even other people's money.

Now, as to the OP, he has said that he does not wish to go on this trip, so she needs to drop it. Beyond that, the future is her daughter's call.

 

[wvjules]

WOW.... So very many here only seeing their own singular limited narrow belief/agenda, and missing ALL of the marks here.

Did you write that with a straight face? lol

 

[Disneylovingmomof2]

What if the person generously inviting you was dismissive of your logistics, thought it was about ego?

It's possible OP as narrator or the DD as witness may have omitted pertinent information for whatever reason. I believe the fact that this SIL is carrying student loan debt may indicate he is in the formative years of his career. Who's to say he's not in a situation where a long weekend is feasible, but asking for an extended period of time isn't? Might he not in fact be holding out to use some extended time off for the wedding and/or possible honeymoon? It could be that kind of info. was or was not conveyed to OP and it's also possible that it's not being credited as a valid reason. Some people assume that their ability to take time off at their whim holds true for everyone.

There are a million different scenarios that could be happening here but I’m taking what was in the original post and just using that. She didn’t say the boyfriend doesn’t have PTO so I’m assuming that wasn’t the reason. The way OP made it sound is that boyfriend has issues with “handouts” and is worried about money. What I am saying is based on that.
If in laws offered me a trip and I could go, I would go. If I couldn’t because of my work schedule, or because the kids had something, and I was attacked because of those logistics, then I would be upset.
I am not saying people should abandon their feelings, beliefs, morals or whatever else people are thinking I’m suggesting. I would never get this upset or offended about a free vacation, though. If someone was (for example) asking me to raise my kids a certain way, then I’d have some issues. I’m lucky that I have a comfortable life, but I’ve worked hard for what I have. I try to be a generous person and would love to one day take my extended family on trips. I don’t care that much about money and my ego that it would stop me from having a fun experience.

 

[luvsJack]

LuvsJack....
Apples to Oranges...
If you simply could not afford that trip at the time, but your family really wanted you there to spend time as grandparents with the kids...
Would you have obliged their wishes...
Or, simply said... NOPE... no family vacation.

Thinking about the whole, blanket, no apologies, 'NOPE' thing... it begins to occur to me that this could possibly be what I would define as passive-aggressive.

Actually, if we could not afford to pay at least the majority of the way, yes I would have declined. I do not and will not ask my kids to pay my way to travel when it could be taking away from what they can do with their kids. MAYBE if was the only time I was able to see the grandkids then my answer would be different but I spend loads of time with them and don't see Universal or WDW as the only way to spend time with them as a family. The example I used earlier with my sister and bil was more the same. I told them no, thank you and they accepted my no. If they had hounded me about it I would have said no a little more aggressively. But we don't do that to each other.

He said he didn't want to, he gave a reason, how about we just take the young man at his word instead of trying to diagnose him? Not everyone that thinks or does differently from you has some kind of mental issues.

How on God's earth is "no" passive aggressive? Its not in the least. He said no. What else does he have to say?

 

[OhhBother]

So much of this is about blending different family cultures. I was raised in a family where, while very lower middle class, we made travel a priority. My grandparents loved travel, as do my parents, as do I. Oftentimes, that meant long road trips where meals were sandwiches from the cooler at rest areas. But we saw this country!

I could not and would not have married a man who didn’t want to travel. It’s that important to me. My DH and I actually just got back from a two-week European cruise with my parents. Footnote — we paid, not them. It was their Christmas present. The four of us had an amazing time, and precious memories were made.

My focus here would be on the daughter. She needs to be sure she’s comfortable going from a family that appears to be very travel-focused (like mine) to a reality where family travel - or any travel - may not happen as much or as frequently. As long as the daughter is happy and goes into the marriage eyes wide open, the rest should be fine.

 

[cabanafrau]

There are a million different scenarios that could be happening here but I’m taking what was in the original post and just using that. She didn’t say the boyfriend doesn’t have PTO so I’m assuming that wasn’t the reason. The way OP made it sound is that boyfriend has issues with “handouts” and is worried about money. What I am saying is based on that.
If in laws offered me a trip and I could go, I would go. If I couldn’t because of my work schedule, or because the kids had something, and I was attacked because of those logistics, then I would be upset.
I am not saying people should abandon their feelings, beliefs, morals or whatever else people are thinking I’m suggesting. I would never get this upset or offended about a free vacation, though. If someone was (for example) asking me to raise my kids a certain way, then I’d have some issues. I’m lucky that I have a comfortable life, but I’ve worked hard for what I have. I try to be a generous person and would love to one day take my extended family on trips. I don’t care that much about money and my ego that it would stop me from having a fun experience.

And I'm suggesting that we're hearing this through the filter of a narrator who clearly wants something that is not being granted -- and is clearly persistent about pursuing it. There may well be a disconnect between what the prospective SIL actually said and what has been reported here. It's notable in my mind that the refusals reported here are seemingly easily dismissed. The fact that the offers seem so generous and reasonable, yet are dismissed, repeatedly, indicate all may not be what it seems.

Control issues of the SIL rising to the level of personality disorders have been raised. Interestingly the single person who can speak from personal knowledge, one with a definite reason to strongly consider the possibility, declares that's not at all the case. That's not stopped the army of red flags from flapping in the breeze.

I'd not only like to hear the SIL's take on the situation, but I'm wondering what the bride to be would have to say? Wouldn't be the first time I've heard that a parent was in denial about what their grown child's actual wishes are, or that a grown child struggles to find a way to let their parent down about matters like this. The bride no doubt loves her family and treasures the times they've spent on family vacations. She may also be at the stage of life where she's looking through the lens of wanting to spend more time in "leave and cleave mode" with her groom. Sometimes parents have a really hard time understanding that their child loves them, wants to spend time with them but it might happen a bit differently as her life changes. Maybe she loved her bedroom, their family home and treasures their family time growing up there as well. Doesn't mean she should move her groom into the family home to continue on and have him become a part of their family lifestyle indefinitely.

ETA It's interesting that one shouldn't get upset or offended if offered a free vacation, which begs the question, is it appropriate to get upset or offended if the offer is refused?