Is This True About the Mother of the Groom?

[emer95]

My MIL wanted to be in charge of our wedding, to the point where it almost destroyed our relationship. My husband was the first one of her children to get married, and while I appreciated her excitement, I did not want her to be in charge and it caused problems. Looking back, I know I played a part in it too. I should have been more open to her suggestions. We've been married almost 20 years now and things are SO much better between me and my MIL. It did teach me how NOT to act when my daughters get married. My mom was great. She mostly stayed out of things, and helped when I asked her to.

When my husband's sister got married, my MIL planned the whole entire thing and SIL was fine with it. She was drinking beer and playing cards with the groomsmen the night of the rehearsal dinner, while MIL ran around like a crazy person finalizing every (over-the-top extravagant) detail. To each her own!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Reason #475 why eloping sounds like the way to go.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My MIL wanted to be in charge of our wedding, to the point where it almost destroyed our relationship.

OMG!!!!!
This, too, was the first sign of trouble with my MIL.... (they still lived out of state when DH and I met... so I had very, very, little interaction with them before we got engaged) My MIL was even 'expecting' that I have these shaped ice cream molds, wedding bells, exactly like she had served with the cake at her wedding like nearly half a century earlier, which I have never ever heard of or seen here where we live.

OP, yes, unless specifically invited to be more involved and go over-the-top.... the old adage... show up and wear beige really is the underlying message!!!!
My only child is a teenaged boy... I do intend on taking this advice! (except for the 'beige' part!!! Hahahaha!!!)

It is the brides day, and the grooms day...

eta: In hind-sight, It is a good thing that my inlaws lived out of state... Otherwise, seriously, I might not be married to my DH.

 

[disney4us2002]

This topic always makes me feel sad. I have 3 sons. I have no sisters and lost my mother when I was just 26 so I know it will be so hard to be an outsider to my sons' lives and weddings. I truly hope they find wonderful, loving women who want a relationship with me. I am pretty close to my boys but I always keep that old saying in the back of my mind..."A son is your son until he takes a wife; a daughter is your daughter the whole of her life." I had a rough relationship with my MIL in the beginning but we got closer over the years. It probably was because of losing my own mom and the fact that she had no daughters either that we truly learned to value what we did have and we certainly love the men in our lives which is a huge commonality!

 

[fhtpdw20]

I will have a new Dear Daughter-in-law by this time in 2015 so this thread is giving me some insight. We have given DS and FDDIL the option of us having to give them a dream honeymoon or the cash amount equal to the honeymoon for whatever they want to spend or save. They have decided on the honeymoon so FDDIL can plan the wedding while I plan the honeymoon. She is a Harry Potter Fan so they will spend a few days at Universal and then the Food and Wine Festival at WDW. At any rate, I wanted to share the letter I have written her:

Dear DS and FDDIL,

This letter is to congratulate you two on your engagement and to officially welcome FDDIL into our family. FDDIL you are a very special lady who has captured our son’s heart. You have also helped to shape the special man that he has become. We have finally gained a daughter and we could not ask for better. We wish you both a long and successful marriage.

In the last letter to DS on the occasion of his high school graduation, we told him among other things to go to his bible for more wisdom than we could ever give him and that our hope was that he would find the love of a good woman. We are so happy that he has finally taken some advice from us. After 27 years of marriage, the following is the only pieces of wisdom that we have to pass on to the two of you. From here on out you have to find your own way of what works best for yourselves.

As excited as we are that you are joining our family, please remember that now you are forming your own family. It is very important that both of you put each other’s feelings and opinions above everyone else including us. Putting God first and each other second is one of the keys to a successful marriage. Another key is to agree to disagree. If there is an issue where you don’t see eye to eye, it is ok to have a different view and let it go. You will each know where you stand, so consider it settled. The only time to fight it out to a conclusion is if you are involved in something that could bring physical or financial harm into your home that jeopardizes your security or the future of your family. It is more important in the end to create a stable home than to be right or get the last word. Finally, omissions, lies and secrets will kill a marriage. You can’t find lasting solutions to issues if you don’t have all the facts or they are built on the shifting sands of lies and secrets.

We love you both and pray God will bless you all the days of your lives.


We can't wait for 2015.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I will have a new Dear Daughter-in-law by this time in 2015 so this thread is giving me some insight. We have given DS and FDDIL the option of us having to give them a dream honeymoon or the cash amount equal to the honeymoon for whatever they want to spend or save. They have decided on the honeymoon so FDDIL can plan the wedding while I plan the honeymoon. She is a Harry Potter Fan so they will spend a few days at Universal and then the Food and Wine Festival at WDW. At any rate, I wanted to share the letter I have written her:

Dear DS and FDDIL,

This letter is to congratulate you two on your engagement and to officially welcome FDDIL into our family. FDDIL you are a very special lady who has captured our son’s heart. You have also helped to shape the special man that he has become. We have finally gained a daughter and we could not ask for better. We wish you both a long and successful marriage.

In the last letter to DS on the occasion of his high school graduation, we told him among other things to go to his bible for more wisdom than we could ever give him and that our hope was that he would find the love of a good woman. We are so happy that he has finally taken some advice from us. After 27 years of marriage, the following is the only pieces of wisdom that we have to pass on to the two of you. From here on out you have to find your own way of what works best for yourselves.

As excited as we are that you are joining our family, please remember that now you are forming your own family. It is very important that both of you put each other’s feelings and opinions above everyone else including us. Putting God first and each other second is one of the keys to a successful marriage. Another key is to agree to disagree. If there is an issue where you don’t see eye to eye, it is ok to have a different view and let it go. You will each know where you stand, so consider it settled. The only time to fight it out to a conclusion is if you are involved in something that could bring physical or financial harm into your home that jeopardizes your security or the future of your family. It is more important in the end to create a stable home than to be right or get the last word. Finally, omissions, lies and secrets will kill a marriage. You can’t find lasting solutions to issues if you don’t have all the facts or they are built on the shifting sands of lies and secrets.

We love you both and pray God will bless you all the days of your lives.


We can't wait for 2015.

I love you!!!!

What a wonderful and special Mother (in law) you seem to be.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I say just roll with it whether you are the MOB or the MOG.

 

[AustinTink]

I think the antiquated views in the original post are a thing of the past, thankfully. I have been married for 17 years to my husband, an only child, and I included my MIL in the wedding planning every step of the way. I knew this would be her one and only opportunity and wanted her to feel like a very special part of it all. She and I have a very close bond.

Now that I have a teen son, my only child, I can only hope and pray that whomever he chooses will see me in the same light. It would break my heart otherwise.

 

[MIGrandma]

I've been the mother-of-the-groom, 3 times (for 1 son ) and it really depends on the relationship you have with your son's chosen bride.

I had/have a good-to-great relationship with all 3 of my DIL's, but always knew the day was about the bride and groom, bride's mother and I came in third. I was fine with that.

I knew it was pretty much up to the bride what color dress I wore but none of them really cared, said it was my choice. I did ask the bride's mother what color she was wearing as I didn't want to choose the same color.

I agree with a PP that said the smiling and nodding goes beyond the wedding. I think the reason I have a great relationship with my DIL is because I didn't give my opinions unless asked.

Even for my DD's wedding I did a lot of smiling and nodding, it was HER wedding, not mine.

 

[YoYoAurora]

I'm a Certified Event and Wedding Planner.

The mother of the groom wasn't very involved in the past. That is the way it used to be, and for some brides, it's still the way it is.

Thankfully, it's not the way most of my brides want their weddings to be. Many of my brides involve their future mothers-in-law during the planning process, and want them to look great for the wedding. Most brides do allow their Mom's to choose their dress color first, but want their future mother-in-law to wear a flattering dress in a coordinating color to the bridal color scheme so the photos look good.

As for my own wedding, my mother-in-law lived 12 hours away, but I tried to involve her as much as I could. She wasn't too thrilled at our color choices, until she saw the reception and then she loved it. Her dress was beautiful and looked wonderful on her. She told me later that it was her favorite out of her four mother of the bride/groom dresses she'd worn for her children's weddings.

 

[LBIJim]

Yeah, I always heard that old adage about MOGs: show up, shut up, and wear beige.

I suppose my mother committed a cardinal sin by being better dressed than the MOBs at both mine and my brother's weddings. Brother got married near Lake Tahoe, neither mother attended. But they co-hosted a reception for brother and wife a few weeks later. Brother's MIL showed my mom the dress she intended to wear, so that my mom could choose appropriately, but for some reason the MIL changed her mind at the last minute and ended up looking frumpy.

DW and I got married outside in the park by the mayor. My mom wore a simple but tasteful dress, but DW's step-mother (mother was deceased) wore slacks and a blouse, probably from Walmart. That was her style, which was fine.

 

[mom2rose&john]

Wow, if that is true for today's standards then that is so incredibly sad.

I have been married twice. My first MIL was a very sweet lady. She and I enjoyed working on the wedding plans together, I included her in everything. She was considerably older than my mom, and was self-conscious about her figure next to my mom (who was thinner), they also had less disposable income than my parents. I took great pleasure in shopping for and purchasing a dress for my future MIL that she never, ever would have bought for herself ($-wise) so that she would feel confident and cared for and important on her son's wedding day...and she did! She had a wonderful time at our wedding, enjoyed showing off her son and new DIL at the event. As it should be, imo!

My current dh's mom passed away in September after a brutal 8 months following a stroke. So I'm going to cry as I write this post as I miss her terribly. She wasn't so interested in planning the wedding, and we didn't go too overboard as it was a 2nd marriage for both of us, but I asked her what she would like to do to be part of the day and she was excited to do a reading. It was beautiful what she chose, and I cherish that moment especially now. She was the kind of MIL who I could really talk to, and yet she was always careful to say that what we did, decisions we made, were our business and didn't give advice unless asked. Sometimes my dh can be difficult, and we were allies in that. She knew him as well as I did, and understood when I was frustrated because he was being a poop. Our home was where she came (not either of her daughters') when she was recovering from surgery, or if her AC broke down in terrible heat. And I loved that.

Seriously, we women talk a good game about supporting each other and being there for one another...and yet as a society it seems like it's ok these days to treat our MILs as less than. I know so many women who refuse to see that often MILs (like all moms!!!) are just afraid of losing their kids, and just want to be included and appreciated for THEIR strengths. Neither of my MILs was my mother, but they were both my friend, my supporter, and for my current MIL, a wonderful, loving grandma. I know some women are just...not kind. I get that. But that isn't the majority. And that relationship needs to be built, it doesn't just happen. So gosh, I really hope that 'heirarchy' isn't true for most weddings happening these days!

Your post is very touching. I strive to be the a MIL like yours.

My relationship with my MIL is very good and I am grateful that she has a lot of qualities like the MIL's in this post. My husband was the last to leave the nest and is very close with his mother. Many people warned me that it would be hard for her to give up "control", but I never found that to be true. She has been a wonderful, supportive and nurturing part of our family. My kids, her grandchildren, are so lucky to have her in their life.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

This is funny timing. Just yesterday my DD15 and I were chatting and she asked why girls start planning their weddings when they are her age and nowhere near getting married.

I asked her if she had her wedding planned and she glared at me and said No way - boys are too gross to marry. LOL

Anyways - someday I'll be Mother of the Groom if my son ever gets married and to keep the peace, I'll do whatever is expected of me. If it means following the OP's list, then that is what I will do.
I hope to have a good relationship with my son and DIL someday.

 

[Patience]

I love my mother in law. She is not intrusive but is always willing to help if asked. My kids are lucky to have her as a grandmother. I think gentle patience is great advice.

 

[mjkacmom]

In the past, the bride's family paid for the wedding, so of course they would have more of a say. My parents paid, my IL's paid for the flowers, and the rehearsal dinner. Therefore, MIL picked the florist (1/2 hour away, but a great choice), and the rehearsal dinner venue/menu (wouldn't be my first choice, but it wasn't up to me). She asked what color my mom was wearing, and wore a different color (she could have picked any color, really).

I just assume I'll be more involved in my dds' weddings than dss'. I don't have a problem with it.

My MIL is actually DH's step-mom (his mom passed when he was a child). We get along great!

 

[maleficent32]

Anyways - someday I'll be Mother of the Groom if my son ever gets married and to keep the peace, I'll do whatever is expected of me. If it means following the OP's list, then that is what I will do.
I hope to have a good relationship with my son and DIL someday.

This is how I feel too. I dont plan on being involved unless I am asked and I have no issue with that. Its their wedding, I already had mine to plan.
I will financially contribute what I can but IMO that does not mean I get any say in how they use that money. If they want to use it for black roses, go for it. If they want to use it to hire a magician, go for it.
I hope I don't have to wear beige though, its an awful color

 

[Nancyg56]

I knows you're just trying to be funny - but this is a stereotype that I just don't find to be true. Maybe boys don't dream of their wedding - but I think most plan their wedding together as a couple.

I agree. I never did understand why people always thought that the wedding was about the bride, and everyone else was an afterthought. I love my son as much as I love my daughter, and I know that had his bride treated me like an afterthought, his opinion of her would have changed dramatically.

I can say that her mother treated me that way, but then she treated her own daughter's wedding as a financial burden to get through....right up to and including purchasing a BEIGE dress that did not fit her but that was on sale. I did not wear beige...

If paying for the wedding had anything to do with pecking order, DH and I paid the same money for all of our children's weddings. Their spouse's parents paid nothing. Anything that they wanted that was over our budget, they were welcomed to include, but they needed to pay for that portion. SO I guess I was entitled to wear a fabulous dress! LOL

 

[Happy Snowman]

This is how I feel too. I dont plan on being involved unless I am asked and I have no issue with that. Its their wedding, I already had mine to plan.
I will financially contribute what I can but IMO that does not mean I get any say in how they use that money. If they want to use it for black roses, go for it. If they want to use it to hire a magician, go for it.
I hope I don't have to wear beige though, its an awful color

I hope to be involved but meaning I get to go along dress shopping, flower picking out, etc. I'll happily sit in the corner sipping champagne while watching them do all of that though....well, except for dress shopping with my Daughter....I will be actively involved with that .

I can't wear beige either...just not a good color on me. My Mom wore beige to our wedding but it looked great on her and I went with her to pick it out. My MIL wore Navy Blue and it looked great on her too. The bridesmaids were in dark green so it all worked.

 

[maleficent32]

I hope to be involved but meaning I get to go along dress shopping, flower picking out, etc. I'll happily sit in the corner sipping champagne while watching them do all of that though....well, except for dress shopping with my Daughter....I will be actively involved with that .

I can't wear beige either...just not a good color on me. My Mom wore beige to our wedding but it looked great on her and I went with her to pick it out. My MIL wore Navy Blue and it looked great on her too. The bridesmaids were in dark green so it all worked.

I'm more of the sit in corner and sip champagne type, I'd prefer not to be involved in any other way

 

[DopeyDame]

For those saying that they want to "be involved" in planning their child's wedding, what exactly does that mean?
Neither my mom nor my MIL were especially involved in planning our wedding. my mom and sisters and I did all go wedding dress shopping. MIL lives out of state, or else I probably would have invited her too.
But we made the decisions, and I can't imagine why anyone other than DH or I would have - it was OUR wedding. My parents already had a wedding 40+ years ago.
I have two kids - a boy and a girl. When the time comes, I'll be perfectly happy to shut up, smile, and wear beige. (Although, as a PP has said, I sure hope they don't tell me to wear beige - it totally washes me out.) Why in the world should I be more involved than that in someone else's wedding?