Is this tacky or are we being cheap?

[kmebee]

I haven't read every single post on here but let me say this...
Last year DFi family had a 50th anniv party for his parents. They began planning (had meetings to discuss all financial matters, where, when, whats) this party almost a year in advance. One sib out of 6 decided not to attend any of these meetings. Then when they decided everything and everyone agreed on how much each was to pitch in, this sib said "no, i wasn't included in the planning and i will only give $x and no more". Well, $x wasn't close to what the others pitched in. It has now caused MAJOR rifts in the family. This sib has NO PROBLEM contributing to things when it is for his inlaws but for his own parents, not so much. These are the people that brought you into this world and took care of you. Some people (as others have stated) aren't lucky enough to have their parents around any longer. Maybe the sister was wrong in planning everything and then asking for the money but if this is what Mom really wants then how can you deny her that? Don't cause problems and heartache this late in life. Enjoy it while you can. I know I wish I still had my dad to enjoy things like this with. Fortunately, I still have DMom and I do as much for her and with her as I can. Sometimes we learn lessons too late and then regret them. Just my .02

 

[plummer925]

Oh, and I wanted to add that you and your husband are very gifted photographers! I checked out your homepage.....beautiful work. You both have such wonderful educational degrees and talent. It must be awesome to travel to all those beautiful places. I would love to see some Disney pictures for sale if you have any.

Thank you! We're both working hard at building the photo business so we *can* make more money and get off the disability (my husband's has both a hearing disability and a wrist problem so photography doesn't, thankfully, agitate either, and my disability is an anxiety disorder that has to do with social situations that as long as DH is with me, I'm fine...so, self employment works, but a "regular" job doesn't). We've done okay so far - mailnly selling at art shows and such. We do not have many Disney pictures, which is one of the reasons we were hoping to quickly get back there as we think that Disney pictures would have a market!

Thank you again for the compliment - we both appreicate it!!

 

[abcboys]

I don't have anything creative to add but I have to agree with jennilou....What's wrong with a simple party? $200 IS a lot of money and almost $2000 for a party? Good grief....A potluck dinner with rental of a hall would be a ton cheaper....this is the budget board, right?

 

[kizmac]

Thank you! We're both working hard at building the photo business so we *can* make more money and get off the disability (my husband's has both a hearing disability and a wrist problem so photography doesn't, thankfully, agitate either, and my disability is an anxiety disorder that has to do with social situations that as long as DH is with me, I'm fine...so, self employment works, but a "regular" job doesn't). We've done okay so far - mailnly selling at art shows and such. We do not have many Disney pictures, which is one of the reasons we were hoping to quickly get back there as we think that Disney pictures would have a market!

Thank you again for the compliment - we both appreicate it!!

Oh they certainly would have a market! I hope your business does good. You should really put a link in your signature so more people can view it. My DH worked with someone that sold photos on the net and he did pretty well and with not near the talent you both have. I love taking pictures but it takes a special eye to capture things in that beautiful way. I don't have that talent that's for sure. Good luck.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

OP here, and I appreciate all your comments which I've spent hours reading thru As was stated here you don't know my situation; you don't know how long I had to save up for that 8,000 trip to WDW which we haven't been to since 1997 or how many extra days I'm working to pay for the 1200 one in Sept which will probably be my last until we have grandkids.

Calie

I saw it last yr and the word that came to mind was cheesy. I definately wouldn't go out of my way to see it and wouldn't go at all unless I was combining watching it with Wishes which is well worth the time to see from the Poly beach.

Calie

What's the story? You posted above on another thread.


was in 1997 of 2005 your last trip??
if you can go to WDW you can surely pay $200 for your parents 80th birthday.

what goes around comes around. when you're that age, expect your child
not to do anything for you.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I saw it last yr and the word that came to mind was cheesy. I definately wouldn't go out of my way to see it and wouldn't go at all unless I was combining watching it with Wishes which is well worth the time to see from the Poly beach.

Calie

What's the story? You posted above on another thread.


was in 1997 of 2005 your last trip??
if you can go to WDW you can surely pay $200 for your parents 80th birthday.

what goes around comes around. when you're that age, expect your child
not to do anything for you.

From what I read the family went in 2005 and she got an AP. The AP is what she is using to make the case with DH to let her go again in September.

 

[MissKIA]

They should have asked everyone what they felt comfortable spending. Not everyone has equal amounts of disposible cash! I do think you should pitch in, but let them know your feelings and that you would appreciate some input next time!

 

[HappyLawyer]

first let me say that nobody can judge your pockets by their own, if 200 is really more then what you can afford, let them know, tell them hey i do not have 200 but i have 100 or what ever your can pitch in, i have a sister who is well, she is rich, famous, million dollar house, cars etc, when we have family functions or need to pitch in, she does it and tells everyone to give what they can.

If you can swing the 200 but if not do what you can afford, talk to your spouse and get their point of view

Good luck

 

[DVC Sadie]

Maybe you could just look at it from the perspective that its for his mother and its not about the SIL. If the mother wanted a party and shes 80 years old, why not give the $200 and wish her the best birthday ever. If you really cant afford the whole amount, give what you can and I am sure they will understand.
She will not be around forever and I am sure shes done enough for your husband in his lifetime to be worth the money.

Great post! Sometimes we have to just do the right thing. Even if a person doesn't get along with a MIL (or any IL) the love I have for my dh is worth the money.

 

[NJOYURLIFE]

Great post! Sometimes we have to just do the right thing. Even if a person doesn't get along with a MIL (or any IL) the love I have for my dh is worth the money.

I couldn't agree more and even if the mother in law hasn't done anything recently or even during the marriage, she was there for the husband through his formative years.

I think what you both did was cheesy. Your SIL was wrong in asking for a specific amount without consulting your husband (although she may have been asking and by your comments you put your husband on the defensive).

I know I absolutely hate when my husband makes comments when I am on the phone especially when he is only hearing one side of a conversation. I also hate when he treats his inlaws one way and then expects me to treat my inlaws differently.

 

[rogerram]

the point is, if they truly can not afford the $200, then you can't give it. The sil was completely rude for not consulting everyone first before making plans. Every family funtion we have that involves paying any money is talked about before we commit to anything. Then we agree to what will be done.That is common courtesy. It is not an issue of doing this for your MIL, but a rude relative not doing things properly. That is the point made by the op.

 

[Kimberlyfamilyfv]

well at least you didn't show up for the fourth of July and be told in front of every body that your dad has been married for 2 and a half years and be the butt of everybody's jokes for the rest of the day. I don't know what my father was thinking keeping my sisters and I in the dark, the lady he married is very nice and we welcomed her from the first time we met. But to have grandma,grandpa, aunts, uncles , and cousins know when we didn't was very humilating.

to original OP I too have SIL that does the same thing. I have to plan for every expense and my husbands wages are salary. My ability to hand over two hundred dollars for something I had not budgeted for would make it difficult for us. And no one is going to hand me a bill and expect me to pay it when I was not part of the planning. If I was to go into a collective agreement with inlaws for party I would pay my share if given enough time to budget it or make payment arrangements somehow.

OP just do what is in your ability to do, accept your limits, and speak up for yourself in cases like this, the others had their vote and you are only asking for the same consideration.

Kimberly

 

[calie_j]

I saw it last yr and the word that came to mind was cheesy. I definately wouldn't go out of my way to see it and wouldn't go at all unless I was combining watching it with Wishes which is well worth the time to see from the Poly beach.

Calie

What's the story? You posted above on another thread.


was in 1997 of 2005 your last trip??
if you can go to WDW you can surely pay $200 for your parents 80th birthday.

what goes around comes around. when you're that age, expect your child
not to do anything for you.

In 1997 H & I took our 2 boys to WDW, they were ages 6 & 7. Our DD was @ 9 months old and stayed with grandma (my mom). We drove with another guy & his son who shares the same b-day as our youngest splitting the cost of gas and the off site condo. We spent 4 days at WDW, one at each park, and I didn't know anything about character meals or the other extra things. Then our family spent 2 nights on Ormand beach while our friend visited his mom. I really can't tell you how much that trip cost us but it wasn't much.

Yes the big $8,000 trip was last year in 2005. I went WAY overboard with that one which I thought was DD's turn for her once in a lifetime trip to WDW now that she was old enough. We went the week after Thanksgiving which also included DD's 8th b-day. I found the Dis and did a ton of research, found all the extras, learned about staying onsite. I got an AP for myself for discounts on the room & the DDE card. We were going to stay at CSR 3 nights & 4 at the Poly but when my eldest son was able to go with us (we couldn't leave the boys home just cause they went once) we switched to the Poly for the whole week, did MVMCP, 3 character meals & alot of other TS. My Disney Visa rewards were $515 which paid for most of 2 nights at the Poly. We flew down on Thanksgiving and stayed with my sister, who I haven't seen in 5 yrs, til we checked into WDW on Sunday for a week. We have never spent that much on a vacation EVER, but I don't regret it a bit because it was a very special trip for us all and made DD's 8th b-day one she will never forget and our vacation savings account paid off everything as it was charged to our card (when I saw we might be short I picked up an extra day at work every other week from July until our trip).

I really thought that was it for WDW, all our kids had gone at the perfect age and the boys had now been twice. But Disney fever caught me & I have an AP burning a hole in my desk drawer. When free dining came out I toyed with the idea again; talked to a friend to make it even cheaper by sharing the room & driving but she didn't have the money. Yes, I admit I succumbed to the temptation 2 weeks after free dining was announced and priced a trip for DD & I to go back in Sept. It will be $1243 including air. The only extras are upgrading DD's 1 day pass which she is paying for out of her money and tips. We don't need souvenirs and will only use the dining plan to eat without extras. I am probably the most surprised person that my H agreed to let us go back. But believe me I will be paying for this trip all year by picking up extra hours at work again until I've earned enough to pay for this entire trip by myself.

It makes me sad that my willingness to do extra work to go back to WDW on a budget trip or that we saved up for a very special splurge trip makes people assume that paying for these trips were easy. Just because I am willing to put in the extra hours to pay for a trip for DD & I does that mean I need to work more hours to pay for MIL's party? Would you work an extra 23 hours over the next few months for that, because that is what I make $9/hour? Yes I know it's H's mom and some will say he should put in the extra hours, I agree and actually so does he........except he also said he'd get a side job to pay half for a xmas present I really wanted (that I'm not saying what it is in fear of being flamed again). It is now April and I have worked extra hours all year and have my half earned, he has not done anything towards his half.

Sorry for the long post and sharing so much which will probably be looked up on me to use against me in another post

Again I really appreciate all the honest opinions given and the support & understanding from most of the replies. It has given me alot to think about, a new appreciation for family, knowledge I didn't have about what a party costs & how other families do these things and even that 80 is a milestone (I thought 75 would have been the one), a different perspective on the situation, & the most helpful BUDGET advice of breaking it down to a weekly amount. And of course a lesson learned on the value of lurking more & posting less.

Good-night, Calie

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

what goes around comes around. when you're that age, expect your child
not to do anything for you.

Where did it say she was doing absolutely NOTHING for the parent?

 

[crisi]

So I will chime in with a different perspective.

I think that your sister in law was tacky, unless you husband knew about this before and is now letting her take the blame for his complacence. However....

What I hear is that a second trip within a year to WDW is more important to you than your husband's family. And while that may be true (I have the world's worst ex-mother-in-law, so I can completely understand not getting along with your husband's family - not kidding, while I was married, still living with him, and unaware there were problems, they took his girlfriend on vacation with them and left me behind), it is not something that your husband's family will want to hear. And they will. "We are too broke to chip in $200" followed several months later with "DD and I went to Disney" translates easily to "I'd rather go on vacation for the second time in a year than help you celebrate this birthday."

I also have the world's worst ex-sister in law - my husband's brother's ex-wife - who made similar claims to what you are claiming - crying poverty when it came to buying my kids a Christmas gift, but flying in with arms loaded with presents for her own nephew and spending like a drunken sailor on herself. I completely support her efforts to be frugal - my kid's didn't need any more presents and they'd gotten themselves in dire financial straights - but I can't support the hypocracy of her claiming being broke when it comes to my kids, and then spending money elsewhere. Simply say "your kids aren't that important to me, that isn't where I choose to spend my money." Or live up to your statement - "we are really broke, we aren't spending any money we don't have to." We all had a party when he divorced her - and the divorce was not in a small part due to him realizing that it was all about what was important to her, and not what was important to him, or the people around him - something we realized long before (and as a result, we became no friends to their marriage). He made the compromises ("we are broke, we won't visit my family this year or send presents"), she didn't.

Only you know your family situation and how much conflict saying no will cause in your family. In my experience, the conflict would be worth cancelling the Disney trip and just paying the $200. It isn't a good idea to let your immediate inlaws know you are too selfish to make reasonable sacrifices on their behalf. Or doing the Disney trip even cheaper - an offsite hotel or condo via priceline, meals in the room - you can take $200 off your trip easily and still get a second use out of those APs. Free dining isn't that great of a deal.

 

[kfeuer]

So I will chime in with a different perspective.

I think that your sister in law was tacky, unless you husband knew about this before and is now letting her take the blame for his complacence. However....

What I hear is that a second trip within a year to WDW is more important to you than your husband's family. And while that may be true (I have the world's worst ex-mother-in-law, so I can completely understand not getting along with your husband's family - not kidding, while I was married, still living with him, and unaware there were problems, they took his girlfriend on vacation with them and left me behind), it is not something that your husband's family will want to hear. And they will. "We are too broke to chip in $200" followed several months later with "DD and I went to Disney" translates easily to "I'd rather go on vacation for the second time in a year than help you celebrate this birthday."

I also have the world's worst ex-sister in law - my husband's brother's ex-wife - who made similar claims to what you are claiming - crying poverty when it came to buying my kids a Christmas gift, but flying in with arms loaded with presents for her own nephew and spending like a drunken sailor on herself. I completely support her efforts to be frugal - my kid's didn't need any more presents and they'd gotten themselves in dire financial straights - but I can't support the hypocracy of her claiming being broke when it comes to my kids, and then spending money elsewhere. Simply say "your kids aren't that important to me, that isn't where I choose to spend my money." Or live up to your statement - "we are really broke, we aren't spending any money we don't have to." We all had a party when he divorced her - and the divorce was not in a small part due to him realizing that it was all about what was important to her, and not what was important to him, or the people around him - something we realized long before (and as a result, we became no friends to their marriage). He made the compromises ("we are broke, we won't visit my family this year or send presents"), she didn't.

Only you know your family situation and how much conflict saying no will cause in your family. In my experience, the conflict would be worth cancelling the Disney trip and just paying the $200. It isn't a good idea to let your immediate inlaws know you are too selfish to make reasonable sacrifices on their behalf. Or doing the Disney trip even cheaper - an offsite hotel or condo via priceline, meals in the room - you can take $200 off your trip easily and still get a second use out of those APs. Free dining isn't that great of a deal.

I think the above is spot-on. I also agree that free dining isn't that great a deal if you're on a tight budget. I know on our last trip we came out so much cheaper staying offsite even though we ate one sit-down meal at Disney every day (which is something we could easily cut back on if on a tight budget, but that we enjoy doing when possible).

 

[calie_j]

I get your point about creating family conflict and how they will look at it. In some ways I'm as guilty of judging them with their $200,000 plus houses, new furniture, & designer clothes as they are guilty of judging our vacations without looking at our 30,000 house with hand me down furniture that's falling apart and Target wardrobe (not including the 2 brothers who own their own plane of course ) We all have our different priorities.

It really does come down to a choice of what are you willing to give up to pay for this party OR what are you willing to do to earn extra for this bill (but not just me this question needs to be asked of H which I am working on right now). And yes you are right that "I" think a vacation with DD is more important than a party for MIL. Frankly I don't think "I" should be the only one or even the main one who has to sacrifice or put in extra hours for H's family. Nope I'm not willing to give up my budget trip for his mother, if I gave it up I sure wouldn't be motivated to work extra hours to come up with money for this like I would for my vacation and I would be resentful about it. But I am willing to make it even cheaper by using my refillable mug from my last vacation, finding a family of 4 to share our value room and bringing sleeping bags, selling my child dining credits to another adult and paying OOP for DD from that which should still net a profit, and not tipping housekeeping. I'm sure I could come up with $200 from those savings

YES I AM KIDDING, this thread isn't about my relationship with the inlaws or our financial situation or lifestyle choices. It was about someone else making a decision on how to spend our money and thinking 1800 was an awful lot for a party, I didn't spend that much on my wedding & reception combined and I wouldn't let anyone spend that amount of money on a b-day or anniversary party for me ever because I think it's wasteful. To each their own and I'm sure many think spending money on vacations is wasteful but would spend it on parties, or like our family think nothing of spending $ on designer clothes (a 10 yr old niece who will only wear Victoria Secret undies ) and keeping a fancy house but think vacations are wasteful and assume it's always big bucks if you go anywhere (my FIL would never believe a family could go to WDW for less then $2000 but I've seen many on this board who have).

Thank you for your opinion, I get what you're saying and creating a confict is a very valid point. We'll figure out how to pay our share that will work best for H & I that won't cause a conflict between us in exchange for not creating a conflict with family.

Calie

So I will chime in with a different perspective.

I think that your sister in law was tacky, unless you husband knew about this before and is now letting her take the blame for his complacence. However....

What I hear is that a second trip within a year to WDW is more important to you than your husband's family. And while that may be true (I have the world's worst ex-mother-in-law, so I can completely understand not getting along with your husband's family - not kidding, while I was married, still living with him, and unaware there were problems, they took his girlfriend on vacation with them and left me behind), it is not something that your husband's family will want to hear. And they will. "We are too broke to chip in $200" followed several months later with "DD and I went to Disney" translates easily to "I'd rather go on vacation for the second time in a year than help you celebrate this birthday."

I also have the world's worst ex-sister in law - my husband's brother's ex-wife - who made similar claims to what you are claiming - crying poverty when it came to buying my kids a Christmas gift, but flying in with arms loaded with presents for her own nephew and spending like a drunken sailor on herself. I completely support her efforts to be frugal - my kid's didn't need any more presents and they'd gotten themselves in dire financial straights - but I can't support the hypocracy of her claiming being broke when it comes to my kids, and then spending money elsewhere. Simply say "your kids aren't that important to me, that isn't where I choose to spend my money." Or live up to your statement - "we are really broke, we aren't spending any money we don't have to." We all had a party when he divorced her - and the divorce was not in a small part due to him realizing that it was all about what was important to her, and not what was important to him, or the people around him - something we realized long before (and as a result, we became no friends to their marriage). He made the compromises ("we are broke, we won't visit my family this year or send presents"), she didn't.

Only you know your family situation and how much conflict saying no will cause in your family. In my experience, the conflict would be worth cancelling the Disney trip and just paying the $200. It isn't a good idea to let your immediate inlaws know you are too selfish to make reasonable sacrifices on their behalf. Or doing the Disney trip even cheaper - an offsite hotel or condo via priceline, meals in the room - you can take $200 off your trip easily and still get a second use out of those APs. Free dining isn't that great of a deal.

 

[dvcgirl]

YES I AM KIDDING, this thread isn't about my relationship with the inlaws or our financial situation or lifestyle choices. It was about someone else making a decision on how to spend our money and thinking 1800 was an awful lot for a party, I didn't spend that much on my wedding & reception combined and I wouldn't let anyone spend that amount of money on a b-day or anniversary party for me ever because I think it's wasteful. To each their own and I'm sure many think spending money on vacations is wasteful but would spend it on parties, or like our family think nothing of spending $ on designer clothes (a 10 yr old niece who will only wear Victoria Secret undies ) and keeping a fancy house but think vacations are wasteful and assume it's always big bucks if you go anywhere (my FIL would never believe a family could go to WDW for less then $2000 but I've seen many on this board who have).

Thank you for your opinion, I get what you're saying and creating a confict is a very valid point. We'll figure out how to pay our share that will work best for H & I that won't cause a conflict between us in exchange for not creating a conflict with family.

Calie

Well, family issues are always challenging, and I think this one is much more about family than it is about money. However, your posts are sort of interesting. On one hand you find that $200,000 is a lot for a home, which is actually below the median price of homes across the country. You also think that $1,800 is a lot for a major party and is wasteful. However, you actually spent $8,000 on a week at WDW. And that's a pretty big number. I'm not judging that decision...to each his own. But most people I know who would think that 200K is a fancy house or $1,800 is more than they spent on their wedding and reception would never in a million years blow 8K on a one week vacation.

I probably will spend 8K on a week's vacation in the future, but to date, we haven't. And my house is worth far more than 200K and I spent oodles more on my wedding than $1,800....and even I think 8K is a lot to spend on a one week vacation. I think the vacation element you bring up is a valid point. While I have heard many people say that a vacation is a "Must Have" in their lives, but a vacation could simply be time off from work spent at home. Any vacation where money spent is typically viewed as a somewhat of a luxury because most people think of vacations as an "extra". Something you do with extra money, after all of your other obligations are met. A vacation to WDW is likely to be viewed as a slurge, and an expensive vacation to WDW is a big splurge. This is where you could run into trouble with the in-laws....

I read another post in this thread from a person who is on disability and they bring in 1,000 a month. She said that to her $200 really is a big deal (now *that* I get), and that they come here to read about WDW, get budget ideas...and go ever 4 years or so. But someone like that, at least in my mind, would take that trip as frugally as they possibly could. I don't know too many people who would save for nine years and then just totally blow it out with the idea that it's a once in a lifetime....never to be taken again. I just find the idea of that interesting I guess.

Of course, not that any of this matters, and you certainly owe no explanation to me or anyone else here, but I just don't know anyone like you who can profess to be very frugal in one regard and then take a high-end vacation in another regard. I guess it is possible though...I'm sure that there are folks who live fairly frugal existences and then just blow it out on vacation. I just don't know how to do this...I'd have to change who I am. If you give a really frugal person 8K, I bet that they'll figure out a way to take 4 one week trips to WDW.

 

[patsal]

Think about what you were planning on doing for this--is it going to mean you have to scrimp to get by? If you always budget $25. for a birthday gift and they are telling you to pitch in $200 try to put together what you can. I know I budget $50 for parent birthdays and $25 for all other out of the house, so if someone told me to pitch in $200 it would be a stretch for the budget. If you can make it work give it, if you can't give what you can and don't worry about it. The worse that will happen is that everyone will talk about you as being cheap--if that doesn't bother you than do what you have to do. For me, as far as talking about me goes, I don't worry about it since if they are talking about me and I don't care then they can't be talking about someone it might bother!

 

[crisi]

I which case, should you decide not to contribute, I'd encourage you to be honest in your response "our money is already committed elsewhere, we choose not to participate." Don't claim broke and then take a vacation. Certainly don't claim broke if they've ever heard any of the details of your last splurge. At least that way you will be defending your choice from an honest position, rather than one that leaves you defensive about your trips.

Oh, and make sure your husband is 100% on board if you choose not to participate. Not doing the "just getting along" thing husbands can be very good at. HE is going to bear the disapprobriation of his family. HE is going to have to be the one's that listen to them tell him how selfish you are. They are your inlaws, but his family, and if he doesn't completely agree with your position, it will be much harder on your relationship. In fact, HE needs to be the one to deliver the message and to defend it.