Is this a form of bullying and if not what would you call it?

[RunDanceSkate]

Is this a of bullying and if not what would you call it?

I am trying to explain things to my DD coach but I don't know how to tell her how DD feels with putting down another girl or sounding like a whinny parent. going on.

In October my DD joined a new team, she was 12. The team consists of another 12 year old, and 11 other girls ranging in age from 13 to 15. On the first day only one other girl was there when we arrived. She was nice a polite I'll call her A15, she's 15. As DD met the rest of the team she was friendly to everyone, but A15 sticks to DD like glue. The other girls don't really like A15, she doesn't fit in, but DD is always polite. So A15 monopolizes DD, and DD has not really gotten to know the other girls, because the rest of the team avoids A15 and thereby DD. When the team was at an away competition A15 went out with her family and DD had a blast with the team. I think A15 is bullying DD, by preventing her from making friends closer to her own age. DD has tried to talk to A15 about it but she just replies, oh you're my best friend on the team we have to stay together, I have no one else to hang out with and stuff like that. Making DD feel guilty.

The reason this has come up now with the coach is that the team is off to a competition and DD has been assigned to share a bed with A15 for the 3rd and final time (out of 3 times) no one else has roomed with the same person all 3 times. We sent a request asking that the girls be assigned rooms randomly or by age, the reply was no, but it would be done differently next year. At this point DD will not be back next year, because she is afraid of A15, so the next year promise is useless.

Is this bullying? Do I have a valid complaint? Should I just give in to my DD's wishes and let her stay home?

 

[Magic Mom]

No. It's not bullying, but she is putting a guilt trip on your daughter. DD needs to learn to speak out for herself. If she wants to hag out with other girls she should do it. Rehearse with her, help her find the words she needs when A tries to make her feel guilty.

As far as the sleeping arrangements, tell the coach you need your daughter moved to another room because of concerns you have.

I would say something like....I'd like to have DD's room assignment changed. She is rooming woth A again and while A hasn't done anything specific and is a nice girl, DD feels like she can't get any time away from her. A will only spend time with DD and gets upset if DD wants to spend time with anyone else. I don't feel this is healthy for DD or A, and DD has become stressed over the trip because of it. She has even asked me if she could stay home. I told her I would talk to you first to see what you thought about it.

Then let the coach talk, but stick to your guns and insist she be moved.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Sounds like your DD is doing this to herself.

 

[C.Ann]

No. It's not bullying, but she is putting a guilt trip on your daughter. DD needs to learn to speak out for herself. If she wants to hag out with other girls she should do it. Rehearse with her, help her find the words she needs when A tries to make her feel guilty.

I agree.. It may be difficult at first, but your DD has to learn to stand up for herself or she will run into these types of situations over and over and over again..

I wish her well..

 

[JessicaR]

At this point DD will not be back next year, because she is afraid of A15, so the next year promise is useless.

Why is she afraid? Has A15 threatened your daughter?

 

[RunDanceSkate]

I agree.. It may be difficult at first, but your DD has to learn to stand up for herself or she will run into these types of situations over and over and over again..

I wish her well..

I would love some suggestions. So far she has tried:

Moving to sit by the other girls A15 follows and everyone leaves. This has been done repeatedly

Telling A15 that she wants to talk to B about something, A15 follows and B walks away.

Telling A15 that DD wants to hang out with someone else for awhile A15 complains to coach that Dd is being mean and DD gets yelled at by the coach.

Being rude to A15, A15 complains to coach that Dd and DD gets in trouble.

What else can a 12 yr old say or do to get an almost 16 yr old who is twice her size to leave her alone.

DD thinks that if she can just room with someone else once, that she can make a new friend. The only real social time these girls have together is at away competitions and it is expected that the girls stay with the room-mates, they do activities as a team, are buddies in the mall, and go to meals together.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Regardless of whether or not you or others might consider it bullying, it is a "learning experience". That is what you should call it.

 

[RunDanceSkate]

Why is she afraid? Has A15 threatened your daughter?

Not physically. I should have said that DD is afraid that next year will be just like this year.

 

[Hollywoodhaha]

Sounds like me. I was always afraid of hurting someones feelings.

 

[happygirl]

I personally think your daughter is to young to be on team with 15 years. JMO

 

[RunDanceSkate]

No. It's not bullying, but she is putting a guilt trip on your daughter. DD needs to learn to speak out for herself. If she wants to hag out with other girls she should do it. Rehearse with her, help her find the words she needs when A tries to make her feel guilty.

As far as the sleeping arrangements, tell the coach you need your daughter moved to another room because of concerns you have.

I would say something like....I'd like to have DD's room assignment changed. She is rooming woth A again and while A hasn't done anything specific and is a nice girl, DD feels like she can't get any time away from her. A will only spend time with DD and gets upset if DD wants to spend time with anyone else. I don't feel this is healthy for DD or A, and DD has become stressed over the trip because of it. She has even asked me if she could stay home. I told her I would talk to you first to see what you thought about it.

Then let the coach talk, but stick to your guns and insist she be moved.

Wow thanks, you said it so much better then I go, Back to work on the email.

 

[Magic Mom]

I would love some suggestions. So far she has tried:

Moving to sit by the other girls A15 follows and everyone leaves. This has been done repeatedly

Telling A15 that she wants to talk to B about something, A15 follows and B walks away.

Telling A15 that DD wants to hang out with someone else for awhile A15 complains to coach that Dd is being mean and DD gets yelled at by the coach.

Being rude to A15, A15 complains to coach that Dd and DD gets in trouble.

What else can a 12 yr old say or do to get an almost 16 yr old who is twice her size to leave her alone.

DD thinks that if she can just room with someone else once, that she can make a new friend. The only real social time these girls have together is at away competitions and it is expected that the girls stay with the room-mates, they do activities as a team, are buddies in the mall, and go to meals together.

Then there is bullying going on, but not by A, TO A. The rest of the team are being bullys towards her. Your DD is caught in the middle.

 

[Magic Mom]

Wow thanks, you said it so much better then I go, Back to work on the email.

For me, that would not be an email. That would be a face to face conversation.

 

[agnes!]

IMO it's not quite bullying, but maybe it's kind of creepy... I feel sorry for both your DD and a little bit for A15. Your DD is just trying to be nice and A15 has no friends and is scared and lonely *but* there sometimes is s good reason why someone doesn't have friends, plus there's the somewhat worrisome aspect of this girl being 15 and saying that a 12 year old is her best friend?!?

A couple of thoughts...
Your DD needs to distance herself from this girl, how I'm not sure.
Your DD is 12, but I think you & she need to make an appointment to have a serious conversation with the coach. She can speak up for herself, but you need to be there to provide moral support. Can you role-play with your DD? Give her some comebacks to when A15 tries to glom onto her..."Oh, I like everybody on the team, they're all my friends" or "I can't be your social secretary" or "Friends don't try to guilt each other into spending time together."
When is the competition? Do you have time to talk to the coach beforehand? I bet the coach is just thrillllled that A15 seems to have someone on the team who doesn't openly despise her.
Can you have one or two of the other girls over for pizza or to hang out at your house? Maybe your DD can build some bridges with them, so she won't feel so isolated.
Why don't the other girls like A15? Is she rude, does she smell, is she 'odd', is she huge/clumsy/mean/etc.? Will she retaliate if your DD isn't her 'friend'?

We have had a slightly similar situation with our DD, in that she is nice to this one girl that everyone else pretty much ignores so DD gets matched-up with her on all activities, but it's not such an older girl.

agnes!

 

[Skywalker]

Then there is bullying going on, but not by A, TO A. The rest of the team are being bullys towards her. Your DD is caught in the middle.

Yeah, that's what I was going to say! A is being treated horribly and emotionally that is so hard on a teenager. Your daughter was nice so of course she does not want to lose her only ally, and so she is holding on too tight.

Why doesn't the team like A?

 

[RunDanceSkate]

IMO it's not quite bullying, but maybe it's kind of creepy... I feel sorry for both your DD and a little bit for A15. Your DD is just trying to be nice and A15 has no friends and is scared and lonely *but* there sometimes is s good reason why someone doesn't have friends, plus there's the somewhat worrisome aspect of this girl being 15 and saying that a 12 year old is her best friend?!?

A couple of thoughts...
Your DD needs to distance herself from this girl, how I'm not sure.
Your DD is 12, but I think you & she need to make an appointment to have a serious conversation with the coach. She can speak up for herself, but you need to be there to provide moral support. Can you role-play with your DD? Give her some comebacks to when A15 tries to glom onto her..."Oh, I like everybody on the team, they're all my friends" or "I can't be your social secretary" or "Friends don't try to guilt each other into spending time together."
When is the competition? Do you have time to talk to the coach beforehand? I bet the coach is just thrillllled that A15 seems to have someone on the team who doesn't openly despise her.
Can you have one or two of the other girls over for pizza or to hang out at your house? Maybe your DD can build some bridges with them, so she won't feel so isolated.
Why don't the other girls like A15? Is she rude, does she smell, is she 'odd', is she huge/clumsy/mean/etc.? Will she retaliate if your DD isn't her 'friend'?

agnes!

They leave early Thursday AM, and I am not taking DD to the bus, I am relying on a friend.
The other girls don't like A15 because she talks about weird things, that your average teenage girl is not interested in, blackholes, chemical warfare, Hitler. She has a peculiar body odor. She is quite a bit larger then the other girls, and despite being the oldest she is by far the least skilled team member, often causing the team points at competition.

I agree that A15 is being bullied, and I don't want DD to be horrible to her, but I also don't think that DD should suffer. I don't think she will retaliate but I don't know her or any other the other girls well at all. DD is nomally on another younger (8 to 13 yr old team) she is playing up, to give this team enough members.

 

[EllaM]

I agree that A15 is being bullied, and I don't want DD to be horrible to her, but I also don't think that DD should suffer. I don't think she will retaliate but I don't know her or any other the other girls well at all. DD is nomally on another younger (8 to 13 yr old team) she is playing up, to give this team enough members.

That's not a good situation. I feel sorry for A15. She's getting ostracized by the entire team. I also feel sorry for your DD because she's in the role of playing a much more mature part than her age calls for. Honestly, if the other team mates are acting like that I wouldn't want my daughter to socialize with them. I'd be afraid she'd pick up their bullying ways.

This is such a crucial time for girls. 11-15 is when they develop the sort of character they want to have in adulthood. I remember it as a brutal time when girls developed cliques and started being really cruel to each other for no reason. I was always an outsider/more mature type so never liked the cliques. I was friends with anyone as long as they were nice and didn't hurt others. As soon as a girl unsheathed her claws and started trash talking or being exclusive I walked away from her.

From your description of A15 it kinda sounds like the other girls are intimidated by her. She's bigger (more physically threatening) and more eclectic ( either she is smarter so talks about scientific stuff or goth and talks about war). She might also be talking about those things to get a shock from people. She certainly doesn't sound like the nail polish and pop culture type. Meanwhile your daughter is not intimidated.

Perhaps the best thing in this situation is to not have your daughter continue with this team next year. When you think about it, you're putting her in a no-win situation. Either she is forced to be more mature than she is (standing up to bullies for a girl she barely knows), or encouraged to adopt the bullying ways of others (by ostracizing A15). A15's parents aren't serving her well either putting her in this situation.

Ultimately this sounds like a character-building moment for your daughter. Just be mindful what sort of character you hope she adopts in adulthood.

 

[Spoonful of Sugar]

That's not a good situation. I feel sorry for A15. She's getting ostracized by the entire team. I also feel sorry for your DD because she's in the role of playing a much more mature part than her age calls for. Honestly, if the other team mates are acting like that I wouldn't want my daughter to socialize with them. I'd be afraid she'd pick up their bullying ways.

This is such a crucial time for girls. 11-15 is when they develop the sort of character they want to have in adulthood. I remember it as a brutal time when girls developed cliques and started being really cruel to each other for no reason. I was always an outsider/more mature type so never liked the cliques. I was friends with anyone as long as they were nice and didn't hurt others. As soon as a girl unsheathed her claws and started trash talking or being exclusive I walked away from her.

From your description of A15 it kinda sounds like the other girls are intimidated by her. She's bigger (more physically threatening) and more eclectic ( either she is smarter so talks about scientific stuff or goth and talks about war). She might also be talking about those things to get a shock from people. She certainly doesn't sound like the nail polish and pop culture type. Meanwhile your daughter is not intimidated.

Perhaps the best thing in this situation is to not have your daughter continue with this team next year. When you think about it, you're putting her in a no-win situation. Either she is forced to be more mature than she is (standing up to bullies for a girl she barely knows), or encouraged to adopt the bullying ways of others (by ostracizing A15). A15's parents aren't serving her well either putting her in this situation.

Ultimately this sounds like a character-building moment for your daughter. Just be mindful what sort of character you hope she adopts in adulthood.

I totally agree. It's a really tough situation for your DD, but if these other girls are ostrasizing someone, maybe she shouldn't be friends with them. Of course, no one should be forced to be friends with someone they have nothing in common with, and it sounds like A is very different than the other girls on the team, but if everyone is against her, and they won't associate with your DD if she is hanging out with her, then these are not very nice girls. This is a team, so they should at least make an attempt to include everybody. I think it's wonderful that your daughter does not seem to want to hurt this girl's feelings by shunning her.

 

[ksjayhawks]

If they are leaving Thursday, it may be too late to get your daughter switched to another room. The time to have spoken up was after the first time they roomed together. My guess is that the other parents have requested that their daughters not room with A15 and since you said nothing, coach assumes it is okay with you.

I am a teacher and have had some students like A15, that talk about stuff most kids don't, act differently, etc. Unfortunately, unless they have a "soulmate" they do tend to be left out by the other kids. I can have them work together in my classroom, but I cannot control what happens outside of it. This would be the same for the coach. I don't think the other girls are bullying her or necessarily ostracizing her to be clickish. They just don't have anything in common with her, do not like what she is talking about, think she is "weird" (kid term there, not my assessment), do not want to be associated with her as she seems to latch on and not let go. That is just the way things are sometimes--coach, and even parents, cannot force the kids to be friends with each other. Hopefully this girl will be able to find others who share her interests--and she may already have these friends off of the team.

Unfortunately, she latched on to your daughter and your daughter did not want to hurt her feelings. By being so nice to her, she gave A15 "permission" of sorts to hang with her. So as long as A15 is around dd, the other kids will not be near the two of them. You and dd should have spoken up sooner. Sounds like dd has tried everything, but A15 does not get the hint. Since she is rooming with her, she doesn't want to get in a fight with her or your dd will be miserable. So, she may just have to deal with it this one last time and hope A15 goes off with her parents for awhile or there is a way she can sneak into the other girls' rooms for some fun without A15 knowing.

Question--will A15 be on the team next year or will she be moving on to another team due to her age? You might want to find this out before the season is over. Or, is A15 even being invited back to the team? or is this a sign up and you are on the team?

I feel badly for your dd. I would talk to the coach and see if there is anything he/she can do for this next competition to help separate A15 from your dd so your dd can have some time with the other girls.

Hang in there!

 

[Katy Belle]

Wow thanks, you said it so much better then I go, Back to work on the email.

Don't do an e-mail. Go in person. It will be much stronger. Its easy to say no to an e-mail, not so much to a concerned parent.