Inspired by "living alone as you get older-choices"

[Simba's Mom]

Have any of you dealt with elderly relatives whose homes just don't work for them any more, but refuse to move? Any tips? Or just let them stay and be happy? Mom lives in a 2 story house and it also has a porch with several steps up to the front door. Yet she no longer can do steps. She doesn't have a garage, and she's fallen MANY times in the ice and snow. Her house is the opposite of "open concept"-such tiny hallways and doorways, Heaven forbid if she ever finds herself in a wheelchair-she couldn't get around at all. I hate to wait until she's just forced out of her house by a traumatic event however. Yet she insists "I want to stay in this house as long as I'm alive". And I can understand-she and Dad lived there for 60 years until his death a few years ago-so many memories. But I can see her having an increasingly difficult time getting around her house. What should I do/say?

 

[DisneyHardin]

This happened with my Grandma (my mom's mom). Mom tried to talk to her reasonably about moving to an assisted living. When she refused to even talk about it, Mom just did it. Luckily she already had POA, so she was able to set up the assisted living stuff and pay the rent with Grandma's money. On the "move in day", my uncle came and took my Grandma out to lunch while the rest of us moved her stuff to the apartment and then after lunch he brought her to the apartment. She was pretty furious at first, but eventually she realized that it was a much better situation for her.

 

[Colleen27]

My grandmother insisted on staying in her home and we scrambled to make it work. She was in a mid-century traditional ranch - narrow hallways, small bathroom, steps down to both the front and back doors. We did make it work with some modifications - for example, hinge kits that make a standard-width door open just that little bit wider to accommodate a wheelchair - but in hindsight I don't think it was the right thing to do. It wasn't the physical environment that was the problem, though. It was the isolation. She wanted to stay in the house she and my grandfather worked their whole lives to finally buy and lived in for 30+ years before he passed, but she didn't drive and as mobility became a problem had a harder and harder time leaving the house at all, and as her siblings also started to develop health issues of aging, she ended up alone much of the time. We did what we could, of course, but around work and school and all of that, we couldn't be there every day much less during the day. And I think that isolation exacerbated her other health issues. Some of her siblings moved into seniors-only condos or apartment complexes, usually under pressure from their kids, and in the long run they seemed to fare much better. I can't help thinking just having daily contact with friends, activities like knitting and bingo, and something more to their "world" than the four walls of their own home has something to do with that.

But for all we learned there, and despite my mother saying she didn't plan to do the same things my grandmother did, all signs point to her doing just that now. She's 70, just starting to have mobility issues, and still driving - it is a good time for her to look for a more suitable arrangement, while she's young enough and active enough to jump into the social life of a new place and still able to get back and forth to keep in touch with old friends during the transition, but she's not interested in doing that. So I guess there's no amount of logic or experience that will override the emotional attachment to a particular place.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

My parents - 77 & 79 respectively - just moved FROM a single floor home to one with a basement. Oh, and Mom cracked a vertebra in the moving process.

Ugh

 

[pigletgirl]

Yes. My grandparents are 88 and 85. The (not so funny) joke is that together their only 1 body. She has the brains and he (more or less) has the body. Neither of them should be driving, but are. What it has come down to is that they need to be living somewhere else but no matter what we do or say, they don't listen. The idea of moving will be their idea alone. My grandpa has dementia and falls daily. He needs a dementia unit, but they both are refusing that. Until something puts them in a hospital, they're going to be continuing to be barely scraping by each day.

Nobody has any credibility around here...(meaning, my family)

 

[erin1715]

My grandmother is in this situation. She is early 80s I'd guess and has been living in her home since SHE was a little girl. She lived there with her parents, then when she got married she lived there with her parents and my grandfather (she doesn't recommend that lol). So this is the place she's known for a long, long time. My grandfather passed in 2001 so shes been alone there since, but within the past couple years has really gone downhill and she refuses to leave her home. She's been in and out of the hospital over the years for various things, and has been placed in temporary rehab facilities but then goes home. My mom really wants to see her live out her days at home but it's very difficult on my mom and uncles. My uncle and my mom both go there every single day to make sure she's eating, taking her medicine (which she still doesn't always do), and giving her some social interaction but I think she's still lonely. But she also doesn't want to leave her home for anything whether its birthdays, holidays, etc. Not even doctor appts.

It's such a tough situation. You want your loved ones to be around forever, but taking care of them can be a full time job in itself.

 

[Simba's Mom]

My parents - 77 & 79 respectively - just moved FROM a single floor home to one with a basement. Oh, and Mom cracked a vertebra in the moving process.

Ugh

OMG-whatever were they thinking? But I bet you ask yourself that question too! I hope your Mom's recovering now. It reminds me, though-my Mom also has her washer and dryer in the basement. You might wonder why she doesn't have someone else to do her laundry-she does! She has a housekeeper (paid by the state) who comes in one day a week to do her wash. Yet, Mom often insists on doing wash herself the day before her housekeeper comes, saying "I just don't want to wait". That one more day!? I just fractured my pelvis (slipped in the bathroom) and spent a month in a wheelchair and just "graduated" to a walker. I live 2000 miles away, so haven't seen her, but I take every opportunity to remind her of how much my life changed, being in a wheelchair. I guess all I can do is to pray that just maybe, she'll learn from my experience and finally choose to move-but then again, maybe pigs will fly. She's pretty/VERY stubborn.

 

[NYCgrrl]

Yes.
Several in fact.
I come from a long line of hard headed women and my children are forewarned.

 

[Christine]

I haven't personally experienced it and my parents are pretty open minded (in their 70s) about getting to a better place. But many of my friends have gone through this.

It is the main reason that I recommended on the other thread that the OP there actually start to move NOW. Because once you get past a certain point, and the mental acuity and reasoning starts to slip, the older people end up being forced into a situation they would have never wanted or they get hurt.

 

[georgina]

Oh yeah, both my mom and mother-in-law. My mom was 95 and still living on her own in her condo, with help coming in every morning through lunch. Despite having help, she still tried to do her own laundry, scrub her floors, etc, and constantly complained about her back hurting. We had taken away her car at age 85 after an accident. What it finally took to change her living situation was an illness which led to a week in the hospital and 6 weeks in skilled nursing. After that we insisted on a personal care apartment near 3 of her children (she had been 2 hours away from the nearest child). Her back stopped hurting, she did enjoy some of the activities, and we were able to care for her during the last 10 months of her life. I was very glad that they had bought the condo and sold the old house before my dad died.

Mother-in-law was 90, had developed a drinking problem after her husband died, was still in an apartment, until she fell and broke her ankle while drunk. Surgery and a long recovery allowed us to get her into personal care also, she is almost 93 and still doing well there.

I guess stubbornness is one reason they lasted so long, but it is a pain to deal with them! I plan to move nearer my oldest DD before we get that old!

 

[bigbabyblues]

DH's grandparents stayed in their home until they couldn't anymore, due to grandpa's arthritis affecting him to the point that he couldn't get around at all. This is a two story house with the bedrooms upstairs. There are no condos or retirement communities around here, and the only apartments are low income (they were not). They ended up building a new, single story house at the ages of 78 and 75.

 

[tvguy]

It is always going to tough, but there are a few things IMHO that every adult needs to do to help those who will end up having to help them make decisions. And by adult, I mean everyone over age 18.
>Think about what your wishes are if you can't live on your own, write them down, and make them known to those who will be responsible for you. Review them with those people on a regular basis, like once a year
> Have a will.
> Have an estate plan
> If you can find the money, buy even the most basic, least expensive long term care insurance policy you can afford.

My wife's Grandparents had to leave their home and move into a nursing home. The family had to sell their house, pre-pay funeral expenses and manage their money in a manner that allowed them to qualify for Medicaid, because there was no money in the family to pay for it. That was the toughest situation.

My MIL just didn't wake up one morning. She had a will, but everything else was tied up in Probate for 6 months. The car was still in her husband's name and he passed away years before. That was tough.

My mom had everything in order. Estate Plan, will, long term care insurance, kept me updated on her wishes. There was nothing else she could have done in advance for me, but the last year of her life in a Board and Care home was touch, but it could have been worse.

 

[yoopermom]

We bought our current house a few years ago, we're in our early to mid 50s, and since it is very senior citizen friendly, hope to be able to stay in it until maintenance/distance to "stuff" gets to be too much (hopefully another 20 years, at least).

My DM and her husband moved from their huge country home, with all it's memories of our DS spending summers there growing up, to their current condo when he was in his 70s and she was newly retired. It's easier for them, but, honestly, is not "home" like the old place was. I understand why the transition is necessary, but difficult...

And OP, I think that more women should be like The Golden Girls, and each rent a room in a shared house, seems like they were always having lots of fun !

Terri

 

[phamton]

I sent you a private message unrelated to this. Not sure if you ever check your messages.

 

[BLAZEY]

My mum had it pretty easy with my grandfather. My grandparents were in the middle of building a single story rancher as the current house had stairs, when Grannie passed away from heart attack the builder allowed Grampa to apply is down payment to a smaller townhouse. he lived there for 6 years. The we started touring assisted living apartments when DD8 was a newborn and I was on maternity leave. All the people in the build came up to us to see the baby and Grampa got to meet lots of nice people who told him how much the enjoyed living here. DD8 was 4 months old when he moved in. He lived there for 3 years before being moved to a care home at age 90 until his death just before his 94th birthday.
My sister and I have the advantage than this is still fresh in Mum's memory. Mum is now 70 and stairs are starting to give her trouble. My sister and BIL have bought her home and are building a semi detached "grannie suite" in the back yard. Mum has us all close by and we have her. She is still on her same property, without the stairs, which are giving her trouble. Her suite in due to be complete February 2018. She can't wait.

 

[Mizzoufan]

if she won't move then you have to make her safe there. Can you build her a ramp so she doesn't have to use the stairs.

 

[AnnaS]

Try to make her home as accessible for her as possible. My mom moved into my brother's house but she wanted her own space/apt. He literally made a three room apartment for her from his house. He put up a dancing bar/railing in the short hallway for her to hold on to (even though we had to tell her repeatedly to use her cane or walker). We put the chair in the tub, two handles, she stopped using the oven. She used the stove and her toaster/broiler. We also got an aide for her a few hours a day - a few days a week leading to every day. Eventually we also got her the medical alert necklace. We did everything we could not put her in a nursing home. She was able to live there for 5 years until she passed (80). Even though she had aides, she was very sick and fell many times. it was a full time job but one we would do all over again.

My mother in law just passed also (85) - she also insisted on living at home as long as possible and refused aides. She was in much better health than my mom though. Very independent. She had a hard time with her steps outside but only went out with us about once a week. We knew it would have been time for an aide soon but unfortunately she passed. No fall, no illness.

How often do you visit? Would she go for Meals on Wheels? Someone would be at the house every day with her meals. My neighbor is 87 and gets the meals. I get calls all the time if she does not answer the door. Make her home elderly proof, get her the life alert necklace, cameras if you have to. Pay for an aide a few hours a day. It might only be temporary. Eventually she might realize she can't stay home alone anymore? I feel for you. We have been through it.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I'm lucky that DH's parents are thinking about this long before they have to! (Both of their mom's lived with them at times, so they knew exactly what would be helpful.) As things need doing, they've been making changes that will enable them to stay there - like moving the washer and drier upstairs when they needed replacing, putting in an accessible shower when the bathroom was in need of updating, etc. (They even changed their interior doorknobs to the lever kind.) We're only 20 minutes away, so I think they will be able to stay there a long time.

My own folks are currently "snowbirds" - spending the summers in New York where I grew up and the winters in Florida. The NY house is old, two story, and kind of a maze, but their place in Florida is small, all one story, mostly open, and ready to stay in year-round if they need all that as well. (Plus, my brother is only about half an hour from them there.)

Mom lives in a 2 story house and it also has a porch with several steps up to the front door. Yet she no longer can do steps.

You could look into organizations that build ramps for people who need them. My DH volunteered with some buddies a couple of times to do them - once for a wounded veteran and another time for someone elderly. You may have to buy the materials, but all the labor was volunteer.

 

[scrhsa]

My Mil. She refused to move, actually to assisted living. She fell several times as well. Even with dealing with a husband with alzheimers. My sil tried and tried to get her to go. She finally threw up her hands and said there is nothing I can do and what ever happens happens. She finally moved and is very happy she did. All it took was for it to be HER idea to do it...she's a bit stubborn

My Mom lived on 3 acres. After my Dad passed away she stayed on for about 4 yrs. Each year it got harder and harder for her to take care of it. My sister and took care of the property as much as possible and she had some younger male friends that would fix stuff for her. She finally said enough is enough. She told my sister Im moving in with you. She stayed there for about 2 yrs and has now moved into a 5th wheel camper on her sisters property. I'ts been a wild ride !! On both sides

 

[Shanti]

Have any of you dealt with elderly relatives whose homes just don't work for them any more, but refuse to move? Any tips? Or just let them stay and be happy? Mom lives in a 2 story house and it also has a porch with several steps up to the front door. Yet she no longer can do steps. She doesn't have a garage, and she's fallen MANY times in the ice and snow. Her house is the opposite of "open concept"-such tiny hallways and doorways, Heaven forbid if she ever finds herself in a wheelchair-she couldn't get around at all. I hate to wait until she's just forced out of her house by a traumatic event however. Yet she insists "I want to stay in this house as long as I'm alive". And I can understand-she and Dad lived there for 60 years until his death a few years ago-so many memories. But I can see her having an increasingly difficult time getting around her house. What should I do/say?

There is a middle ground between living in a 2-story house with steps to the front porch and no garage, and checking into an assisted living facility. Simply buying a more accessible home is one option. A one-story home that is not in a remote area, has a garage and no big steps up into the house. That's where I'd start looking, instead of trying to talk her into an assisted living situation she really doesn't want.