I'm Ok - He's Not

[PatsGirl]

So this is my first holiday without DS. He went into the Air Force in August and is stationed in Florida awaiting technical school to start. On the military board that I visit the mothers on there are very upset about not seeing their children for the holiday and are heartbroken, missing them, yada yada yada I thought I'd be a little more upset than I was but I was good. We both know that he'll be home for 11 days at Christmas and we're really looking forward to that. But..

he called last night and he seemed really upset Maybe I am not all that attuned to what he really needs? We had agreed we'd talk on the holiday, I knew that he had been invited to a friends' on-base house for turkey dinner and football and I sent him a box of things that he needed and a few cute things like a Patriots Christmas stocking and Red Sox beachball It's not like I forgot him!

He was so down. His $200 phone took a swim in a pool that he and several others were working on when a bunch of Marines threw him in full uniform (they were all fooling around). The guy in his dorm who he was sharing internet with by wireless router has had it disconnected. He's stuck on base because of lack of transportation and it's costing him a fortune to fly home for Christmas so there isn't alot of $$ left over.

Maybe he's just feeling that his childhood is over? For the most part, it is. He desperately needed a goal and a challenge and the AF is providing that. It is also provides me with the piece of mind that he is getting fed, has housing and good medical insurance. I'm good with it until the day he deploys, then maybe not so much

He's always been introverted and never had much to say but boy last night I could tell he didn't want to hang up. Being the bad mother that I am, and I was in the middle of buying airline tickets online, I was not concentrating so well on his conversation. This morning, I'm feeling really guilty and wish I had been more supportive. Well, thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

 

[MushyMushy]

Awww, here's some hugs to your boy. And you too.

Mine turns 18 this year too and I'm so not looking forward to it.

 

[PatsMom]

I can remember my first Thanksgiving after joining the AF. Like your DS, I was not going home for Thanksgiving but saving my leave (and plane ticket money) for Christmas. Something about that first big holiday away from home was really hard on me. I wanted to be home with my family, not at a base far from home. I'm sure it is hard on your DS, but it sounds like overall he is coping. I think you are right that part of it is realizing that you are now an adult and Mom isn't going to always take care of you! Best wishes to your son and I hope he passes through this stage quickly. It is nice that he will be home with you for Christmas.

I also remember the time between finishing basic training and waiting for tech school to start. It is a tough time since you are anxious to start school. They used to give us details working around the base that were fairly menial chores. It got much better once school started!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would just say that it is probably nerves, reality setting in, and he misses family.
I would think it is normal around the holidays and starting school.

My dd is a HS senior and she has nerves over starting college. It must be very stressful for your son.

My favorite phrase to say is...."it will be OK".

 

[MariDisney]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I am sorry that the holiday was difficult for your son. I did just want to express my deep thanks to your son and your family and all the families who make these kinds of sacrifices for the sake of our country.

 

[MichelleVW]

I remember my first Thanksgiving after joining the Air Force. I was in tech school and stuck in the dorms. We ate at the chow hall and hung out. I was sooo sad and cried my eyes out, but I survived.

The first few holidays away from home are really hard, but he'll be ok.

I just retired after 20 years and Holidays around military bases are different. There are the few people that have to go "home" for every holiday, but the rest just hang out together and celebrate with their "military family". I have so many close friends that I spent Thanksgiving, Easter, and Christmas with and although I missed my "real" family, these people were/are just as important to me.

 

[tar heel]

18 is so young -- I'm sure he has lots of conflicting feelings including fear and loneliness. I have two older than him and both would have been miserable in the same circumstances. The cell phone probably just made the whole thing too much.

 

[kellyg403]

I am going through something really similar. My ds, 25, took a job as a civillian contractor in Afghanistan earlier this year. I was really worried about the holidays coming up since in 25 years of life he has NEVER celebrated a holiday without his family. I have not celebrated a christmas in 25 years without one of my children. I had the blues but ds seemed to be doing o.k. Yesterday he called to say hello and Happy Thanksgiving. He seemed so down. He had just spoken to his wife and my grandd who was 2 in July. She has started speaking SOO much in the last month or so. I could tell, I was going to be alright but my boy was not going to be so alright. I do think it has a lot to do with the being a grown up finally, making grown up decisions that he has to stick to. Just wish there was a way for the holidays to be NOT part of the deal.

Kelly

 

[minniecarousel]

aw, that's tough. No experience in this, but the daylight usually helps. He's probably doing better today, with the holiday behind him.

 

[goofyernmost]

I also remember the time between finishing basic training and waiting for tech school to start. It is a tough time since you are anxious to start school. They used to give us details working around the base that were fairly menial chores. It got much better once school started!

My memory of that time is even worse. To me that absolute worst time of my 4 years in the Air Force was the "wait" time for the next Tech School class to begin.

I would do basic over again to avoid that part. Since you had nothing else to do the Sgts. were all over us, polish brass every 7 seconds, wax the floor till you could see yourself in them, clean, clean, clean. When not doing that we were assigned jobs in the chow halls, serving, cleaning, dish washing (we had an automatic dishwasher that put our plates so hot that you had two bowls of Ice Water for each hand to not burn through a layer of skin) and then when you thought you were all done, some sadist would decide that the napkin dispensers were not in a straight line on the tables. It was a nightmare. Basic training and a year in Vietnam seemed like a picnic compared to that time.

All that to say that you should be concerned about how he's feeling but all you should do is encourage him to tough it out. I almost guarantee that he will be a stronger person for the experience. Remember that old saying...what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!

 

[Justanopinion]

to you and your son.

My son is in the Guard. Just finished basics a few weeks ago, but fortunately he was able to start classes within 5 days of getting to AIT base.

He too was away from us for the first time on a holiday. Since he is only 4 hours away we almost decided to drive down there to spend the day with him. I talked to him though, and told him to spend some time bonding with battle buddies. I know he was sad, he misses his baby sister(4) more than anything. He misses us but not nearly as much as he misses her, he refuses to speak to her on the phone because it still just makes him cry. And she's at the point where she just wants to hear Bubba's voice. She is counting the days till he comes home.

I would get him a replacement phone ASAP. Even if it's just a cheapo to hold him over till he can get a nicer one, the phone is like a security blanket to home. I know my DS will sometimes text me after lights out because he just wants to know I'm there.

He also doing better today than yesterday. His on post pass is until 5 and he is out Christmas shopping with a buddy. He just texted to see what G-ma wants for Christmas.

I don't know your situation, but for airline tickets, try getting a discounted one from someone selling their free miles. I know my dad sells his free tickets for $150, there are Southwest tickets. He had a free ticket that he was able to use on my son for Christmas home and so it costs us $5. He's sold them to friends before for funerals and stuff and it gets family home for much cheaper.

I will keep you and your DS in my prayers. It will get better. Just be there for him.

 

[PatsGirl]

To highjack my own thread, it's interesting that a few have mentioned the time between BMT and tech school. DS graduated from basic on 10/08/08 and has been doing details since 10/12, nearly six weeks. First they told him school would start mid-November, then late December, then mid-January and now they don't think it'll start until February sometime And I agree that this is difficult for him. I reminded him how much he hated school and told him to enjoy the time he's spending landscaping/painting, etc. because when schools starts...

I'm so glad that this new friend of his and his wife have taken DS under their wing. They are a good bit older, have on-base housing and a vehicle and seem to enjoy DS's company enough to invite him for T'giving dinner and taking him to a mall to do some Black Friday shopping (for a new phone I'd imagine). His friend is also waiting for EOD school to start. From what DS tells me, he's the only military newbie there waiting for classes to start, the rest are "seasoned military" and are used to the ropes.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Like I said, I'm feeling a bit guilty because I was concentrating on other things while on the phone and he just kept hanging on without much to say... it's probably just him trying to grow up and being all alone. I just hope I'm not too hard on him when I tell him to "man up" -- well, not in so many words but

 

[PatsMom]

To highjack my own thread, it's interesting that a few have mentioned the time between BMT and tech school. DS graduated from basic on 10/08/08 and has been doing details since 10/12, nearly six weeks. First they told him school would start mid-November, then late December, then mid-January and now they don't think it'll start until February sometime And I agree that this is difficult for him. I reminded him how much he hated school and told him to enjoy the time he's spending landscaping/painting, etc. because when schools starts...

I'm so glad that this new friend of his and his wife have taken DS under their wing. They are a good bit older, have on-base housing and a vehicle and seem to enjoy DS's company enough to invite him for T'giving dinner and taking him to a mall to do some Black Friday shopping (for a new phone I'd imagine). His friend is also waiting for EOD school to start. From what DS tells me, he's the only military newbie there waiting for classes to start, the rest are "seasoned military" and are used to the ropes.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Like I said, I'm feeling a bit guilty because I was concentrating on other things while on the phone and he just kept hanging on without much to say... it's probably just him trying to grow up and being all alone. I just hope I'm not too hard on him when I tell him to "man up" -- well, not in so many words but

He's got a long time between basic and school so I'm sure being in limbo is tough on him. Glad that he has a new friend - it can be a great help to have someone who knows the ropes help you get around. He'll be fine in the long run I'm sure.

I can't get over new recruits being able to text after lights out! Of course 30 years ago when I was in basic pay phones and calling collect were our only options. Contact with home was pretty rare during basic. At least when we got to our training base we could call home in the evenings if we wanted to (and our family could afford the bill). I imagine cell phones have made keeping in contact much easier.

I hope your DS got a new phone at the Black Friday sale. And I hope his school starts soon. Part of his problem might be having to do all the crappy details they give you in the military when you are waiting for an assignment. Definitely better once you are in school!

 

[Justanopinion]

I can't get over new recruits being able to text after lights out!

Not meaning to hijack this thread...but funny you should say this. I went to DS's basic graduation a few weeks ago. I got home and showed pics to DH. He was astonished to say the least. Women, training with the guys. He said when he was in basics if a platoon or whatever they call it of women got close that had to do an about face and look away until the women were gone. Now they train right with them. The women were also in the same barracks, they had the first floor, the men were on the 2nd and 3rd floors. DS says that some of them even figured out how to sneak down to the basement at nights. Things have changed.

OP - hang in there. It will get better and there are lots of people praying for both of you.

 

[PatsGirl]

Well I'm not sure what branch allows texting but DS had his cell phone taken away at the airport before reaching the base for basic training. He didn't get it back until the day he left (three days after graduation). They were allowed NO interaction with females during basic. He was allowed to call home twice in 7 weeks, once to give me his address and once just to say hello for a few minutes during what they call a patio break. He did send two letters during that time. He wrote several others but his TI never allowed him an opportunity to mail them. His bank account was messed up too and she never gave him time to straighten that out either so he was without pay the entire time until THEY needed him to purchase something and then they credited him $400 until he could fix the banking problems. Other than that, they had no down time. Even the three days I was there for graduation ceremonies was very strict --

That being said, I bet he wishes he was still there, this idle time is not his thing. And I know he loved the physical challenge of bmt, just not the cellphone and other electronic restrictions. Other than that, I think he'd rather be there.

 

[PatsMom]

Well I'm not sure what branch allows texting but DS had his cell phone taken away at the airport before reaching the base for basic training. He didn't get it back until the day he left (three days after graduation). They were allowed NO interaction with females during basic. He was allowed to call home twice in 7 weeks, once to give me his address and once just to say hello for a few minutes during what they call a patio break. He did send two letters during that time. He wrote several others but his TI never allowed him an opportunity to mail them. His bank account was messed up too and she never gave him time to straighten that out either so he was without pay the entire time until THEY needed him to purchase something and then they credited him $400 until he could fix the banking problems. Other than that, they had no down time. Even the three days I was there for graduation ceremonies was very strict --

That being said, I bet he wishes he was still there, this idle time is not his thing. And I know he loved the physical challenge of bmt, just not the cellphone and other electronic restrictions. Other than that, I think he'd rather be there.

That sounds more like the basic training I knew! I was lucky that I had a TI who encouraged us to write home so I got a letter off to my mother about once a week. And fraternizing with the opposite sex was forbidden - if you had liberty and were near a male, you could speak but not touch. A PDA (public display of affection) could get you set back in training. I guess some things just never change - I just had a vision of the row of payphones on the patio! I think that because smoking was more accepted 30 years ago, we got more patio time because they would give butt breaks to the smokers (I was one). Everyone got a brief break but the phones were off limits. It was awful to be able to see them but not use them!

It sounds like you've raised a great kid. He'll do fine once he gets past this rough patch.