If you share custody of your child with your ex...

[pearlieq]

I don't understand why everyone does not just get equal joint custody. Why would you sister's Fiance want just visitation ?

I don't know about the OP's situation, but equal custody is not always practical. Depending on where the parents live, where the school is, parents' work situations, how old the child is, and what the child actually wants (which winds up waaay to far down the priority list if you ask me), an unequal custody arrangement might actually suit everyone's needs better.

 

[mbfqueen]

We have someone like this in our family .. it's hubbs brother .. and he is SO smarter/cooler/macho and did this to the kids until one by one they turned 18 and moved in with the mom .. and it drove the dad crazy! He is THE MAN, I DID all this .. I SPENT all this .. blah blah blah .. but it is sweeeeet revenge (if there is one) that the kids got the last word and moved ...

The last two (twin boys) already have a count down day to when they are 18 which is in 2 yrs .. how sad huh .. the dad sees the above as the mom mentally making them do that lol

He also has piercings, hair implants or whatever they're called .. cause growing old is killing him .. he's near 40 I think .. and of course the mom makes excuses and believes ALL the lies he says .. needless to say the other 5 sons who are well adjusted members of society suffer ..

I don't care what convo I am saying with my MIL, but it ALWAYS goes back to this son .. serious! We could be talking about scrapbooking, water, clothes, you name it .. and she compares everything to this kid, it's disgusting .. but cause of my respect I have for her, I bite my tongue!! Ok ok, ONE time I did say, "Uh, no offense, but that's a dis to me when you compare me to XXX, please let's just agree that we disagree and not talk about him" .. so that worked for a couple weeks lol

 

[NewCrew42]

She said it TO the kid with my sister and the fiance standing there...and the video camera rolling. This was when he showed up to take the kid home from the bus stop and MOm had deemed dad didn't "need" to see him that day...even though it was dad's day. Dad mentioned involving the police and she said to the boy, "Daddy wants mommy to go to jail."

All LIVE on tape.

I've seen the tapes. She is a psycho...and she is an elementary teacher.

Unfortunately, moms and dads can be this way.

My best friends ex-husband brain washed his girls to the point that they were afraid to go their moms house, and all kinds of crap just like this.

Once when she had the girls, he came to her townhouse, shoved her into the wall, then my best friend said I'm calling the police and then he pulled the "See girls mommy wants to send daddy to jail. She is going to call the police to arrest him."

The girls started crying when he pushed their mom, and THEN we he said his line, they cried hysterically.

Well, my friend didn't call the police.

When I was told the story, I was so mad. I spoke to both of them separately, best friend and ex-husband, and basically said, what both of you just did was tell your girls it is OK for a man to shove you into the wall that you shouldn't call the police on him.

There must be a book out there on how to make your ex as miserable as possible and completely screw your kids up at the same time.

This is so sad.

OP -I am so sorry you guys are dealing with this.

 

[MAKmom]

Way to jump to a big old conclusion!!!!

Where the heck did she say that's what he wanted? As long as we're jumping to conclusions, I will conclude that he might have been fighting for that for a long time. Sometimes, the justice system is not nearly as "just" as some think.

Are you for real?

I don't understand why he doesn't get equal time either. I believe she is the custodial parent, and the custody agreement spells out the distribution of holidays, and gives him the kid Every other weekend and Friday after school on the weekends that aren't "his". I may have to check but I think he gets alternate Wednesdays after school too.




YES they did, and the judge had to include this stipulation in the judgment handed down last week. No more trash talk in front of the kid. So sad that she had tobe ordered to do this.

I mentioned her occupation only to say I can't believe a school district let's this loon teach. It was not a dig at the profession in any way. I generally hold teachers to a high standard because the ones I have known and dealt with my whole life have been outstanding.

UPDATE, Dsis said the picking up of the kid went without any incident. Thank God.

Ask him if he ever thought about equal joint custody you can do it 3.5 days a week each.

I don't know about the OP's situation, but equal custody is not always practical. Depending on where the parents live, where the school is, parents' work situations, how old the child is, and what the child actually wants (which winds up waaay to far down the priority list if you ask me), an unequal custody arrangement might actually suit everyone's needs better.

I think for most children if the parents are not living far apart the equal joint custody is better for them. Every other weekend is a long time to see a parent.

 

[bumbershoot]

Being sick is not a reason to deny visitation. I sent many a sick girl over to her dad's for the weekend because it was his time legally.

Lucky! Except for one time (and he had my mom come get me), I don't think my dad has ever even *seen* me sick, let alone be the one to care for me when sick. Same with my brother (though he almost never got sick growing up, apart from the crud we'd feel like after visits with him while he still smoked in the house).

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Are you for real?

I don't know, are you? You seem to live in a fantasy world if you think that joint custody is a great big wonderful, easily attainable situation.

 

[lovetoscrap]

I'm on pins and needles waiting for 4pm...that's when my sister and the kid's grandmother are going over to the ex's house to pick him up for the 4 hour visitation.

Maybe I watch too much Judge Judy but WHY is your sister going over to the ex's house to pick the child up? If the Grandmother needs to go that is fine, but I don't think your sister should be putting herself into this--particularly since at this point she is still just a "girlfriend" and has no relationship to the child. Until they are married she is not the boy's stepmother, and even then she needs to stay out of the middle of things between the mother and father. That is just something that will continue to anger the ex and will cause problems. Either the child's father or one of his relatives or a designated neutral party should be making the exchange when it involves direct contact with the mother. As "psycho" as you make you woman out to be, your sister putting herself in contact with this woman in any way is just an explosion waiting to happen-- and the one that loses is the young boy.

 

[SereneOne]

Google Malicious Mother Syndrome and Parental Alienation Syndrome.

In many cases, it does not take time to make it better. It can get much much worse.

Best of luck to your sister, her fiance and especially the child.

 

[DVCLiz]

Lucky! Except for one time (and he had my mom come get me), I don't think my dad has ever even *seen* me sick, let alone be the one to care for me when sick. Same with my brother (though he almost never got sick growing up, apart from the crud we'd feel like after visits with him while he still smoked in the house).

Well, it sure didn't feel "lucky" to me when I was sending a sick child away from me for a whole weekend. I hated it with a passion but it was a legal requirement and he insisted.

 

[DVCLiz]

Are you for real?



Ask him if he ever thought about equal joint custody you can do it 3.5 days a week each.



I think for most children if the parents are not living far apart the equal joint custody is better for them. Every other weekend is a long time to see a parent.

I would never in a million years have agreed to joint custody - I have full physical custody with visitation only. They saw their father two nights a week for dinner and every other weekend. Believe me, it was a stretch to get him to be responsible enough to agree to that and actually parent for that brief amount of time.

With all due respect (because I like you as a poster on other threads!) joint custody is HARD on kids in the cases I have personally seen. I know it can work in some cases but unless you have personal experience being the parent of children in divorce you really don't understand what is best for the children.

 

[sunnyday123]

Maybe I watch too much Judge Judy but WHY is your sister going over to the ex's house to pick the child up? If the Grandmother needs to go that is fine, but I don't think your sister should be putting herself into this--particularly since at this point she is still just a "girlfriend" and has no relationship to the child. Until they are married she is not the boy's stepmother, and even then she needs to stay out of the middle of things between the mother and father. That is just something that will continue to anger the ex and will cause problems. Either the child's father or one of his relatives or a designated neutral party should be making the exchange when it involves direct contact with the mother. As "psycho" as you make you woman out to be, your sister putting herself in contact with this woman in any way is just an explosion waiting to happen-- and the one that loses is the young boy.

That's what I was thinking. Having an ex-husband who parades an unlimited quantity of bimbos in front of my DD, and attempted to pawn off his responsibilities to them, I agree that she should not have gone. Honestly, he should be picking up/dropping off. If there are scheduling conflicts, re-arrange your schedule. When you're the divorced parent of a child or children, especially the non-residential parent, the time you spend with them is ALL about them, and nothing else. The Father, and especially in this situation, should be going out of his way to show the child he doesn't think/act the way the Mother is painting him, and by sending the girlfriend and girlfriends Mom to pick them up, he's setting this kid up for more drama and stress. He's as much to blame as the Mother, in my opinion.

 

[Jennasis]

At the advice of his lawyer, his mom is not supposed to have ANY dealings with her alone. So my sister had to go with the grandmother. My sister sat in the car while grandma knocked on the door (about 30 feet away). I believe the fiance had to work which is why he couldn't be at the busstop at 4pm (or in this case, at the kid's house), but he met them at home a short while later.

I DO agree with everyone who suggests that my sister stay as "out of it" as possible. I have told her as much. She does that pretty well, but there are some unavoidable instances where she will have to make an appearance. I keep telling her to let her fiance handle everything.

On the plus side, her fiance is a fantastic dad. He calls the kid every night to say good night on nights he is not with the kiddo, attends play dates, does home work with him. A great guy.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

That's what I was thinking. Having an ex-husband who parades an unlimited quantity of bimbos in front of my DD, and attempted to pawn off his responsibilities to them, I agree that she should not have gone. Honestly, he should be picking up/dropping off. If there are scheduling conflicts, re-arrange your schedule. When you're the divorced parent of a child or children, especially the non-residential parent, the time you spend with them is ALL about them, and nothing else. The Father, and especially in this situation, should be going out of his way to show the child he doesn't think/act the way the Mother is painting him, and by sending the girlfriend and girlfriends Mom to pick them up, he's setting this kid up for more drama and stress. He's as much to blame as the Mother, in my opinion.

Well she is the fiancee, not the floozy of the week.

I was referred to as a girlfriend when I was engaged to my DH and I found it to be quite disrespectful and put down the importance of our relationship. (in my case it was a mean and nasty boss).

The sister is not the girlfriend.

I do not see the issue and maybe crazy loony mom doesn't want to see the ex.

 

[sunnyday123]

Well she is the fiancee, not the floozy of the week.

I was referred to as a girlfriend when I was engaged to my DH and I found it to be quite disrespectful and put down the importance of our relationship. (in my case it was a mean and nasty boss).

The sister is not the girlfriend.

I do not see the issue and maybe crazy loony mom doesn't want to see the ex.

Regardless of what she is, the Father needs to handle these situations until the crazy Mom realizes throwing her fits isn't going to work. The child is the one being made to suffer. And girlfriend, fiancee, step-mother, doesn't matter. They need to cut down on the stress on the child. If the Grandmother was told to not go alone to pick up the child, she should not be put in that situation. What if this woman is really crazy and does something physical? There's no way I'd have my Mother in the middle of something like this. It needs to be handled by the parent. He needs to adjust his schedule on the days he has his son.

 

[clovergirl5]

Regardless of what she is, the Father needs to handle these situations until the crazy Mom realizes throwing her fits isn't going to work. The child is the one being made to suffer. And girlfriend, fiancee, step-mother, doesn't matter. They need to cut down on the stress on the child. If the Grandmother was told to not go alone to pick up the child, she should not be put in that situation. What if this woman is really crazy and does something physical? There's no way I'd have my Mother in the middle of something like this. It needs to be handled by the parent. He needs to adjust his schedule on the days he has his son.

I agree with this, especially the bolded. Dad needs to handle this himself and quit putting fiance and mother in the middle. Step it up dad.

 

[MichelleVW]

I don't understand why everyone does not just get equal joint custody. Why would you sister's Fiance want just visitation ?

I don't know about the OP's situation, but equal custody is not always practical. Depending on where the parents live, where the school is, parents' work situations, how old the child is, and what the child actually wants (which winds up waaay to far down the priority list if you ask me), an unequal custody arrangement might actually suit everyone's needs better.

Are you for real?



Ask him if he ever thought about equal joint custody you can do it 3.5 days a week each.



I think for most children if the parents are not living far apart the equal joint custody is better for them. Every other weekend is a long time to see a parent.

My ex and I had equal jont custody when we first divorced and the kids hated going back and forth every week. Thankfully he moved away for awhile and they moved in with me full time. He moved back to the area two years later and wanted the same custody agreement and the girls who were then 12 and 14 said, "no way" They wanted to live in one house. They saw their dad plenty, but didn't live in two houses. Thankfully the military sent him to Germany so once again we get to live peaceful lives.

My ex is a piece of work...he told the girls when they were 7 and 9 that the divorce was THEIR FAULT because if they had done more we would have stayed together!! If I told anyone the things that he told them, he would deny that he said that, then go home and yell at the girls again. So if I wanted to continue to hear the whacked out things he told them, I had to keep them quiet and not share them with anyone or he would go home and scream at them. It was awful.


Thankfully they have a Step dad who adores them and they adore him no matter what their dad has told them about how horrible their mother is and they shouldn't like their step dad blah blah blah...

 

[Mommy2cody]

Stories like this make me so sad. While my ex isn't my favorite person and has done some pretty rotten things to me, we still get along for our son. Heck, I even talk to my sons step-mom (My ex's wife) at least once or twice a week on the phone! All of our number one priority is our son. It isn't always easy, (I mean he is an ex for a reason!! LOL!) but we do what we have to do for our son. It's called being a parent. I will never forget when we went to court for custody and we had already sat down (Me and my DH and EX and his DW) and wrote everything out and knew exactly what we wanted.....the judge gave us the weirdest look!!! He kept asking if we were sure we both agreed! He said it was rare to have that and he complimented us on working together!

Although it is hard when you have one parent who insists on acting like the child. My DH’s brother went through it and it was very hard. I guess I consider myself lucky!

 

[Disney Doll]

I think parents who make pawns of their chidren in a divorce situation are abhorrent.

Kudos to all of you, Mommy2cody, for making it work and behaving like adults where your son's welfare is concerned.

 

[sparklynails23]

I think it's best for both adults to behave for the sake of their kids, but sometimes it seems impossible for the one who was left to be rational for awile, especially if the leaver starts a relationship soon after (or before) the separation. It's almost like mental illness sets in, and some of it could be depression.

 

[MAKmom]

I would never in a million years have agreed to joint custody - I have full physical custody with visitation only. They saw their father two nights a week for dinner and every other weekend. Believe me, it was a stretch to get him to be responsible enough to agree to that and actually parent for that brief amount of time.

With all due respect (because I like you as a poster on other threads!) joint custody is HARD on kids in the cases I have personally seen. I know it can work in some cases but unless you have personal experience being the parent of children in divorce you really don't understand what is best for the children.

My oldest DD is from my first marriage & it was very hard on her only seeing her Dad every other weekend when she was small. He did wed nights for awhile. We never had a legal custody agreement. We changed things as she grew. She is 22 now & the 3.5 day split was not real big back then.

My ex and I had equal jont custody when we first divorced and the kids hated going back and forth every week. Thankfully he moved away for awhile and they moved in with me full time. He moved back to the area two years later and wanted the same custody agreement and the girls who were then 12 and 14 said, "no way" They wanted to live in one house. They saw their dad plenty, but didn't live in two houses. Thankfully the military sent him to Germany so once again we get to live peaceful lives.

My ex is a piece of work...he told the girls when they were 7 and 9 that the divorce was THEIR FAULT because if they had done more we would have stayed together!! If I told anyone the things that he told them, he would deny that he said that, then go home and yell at the girls again. So if I wanted to continue to hear the whacked out things he told them, I had to keep them quiet and not share them with anyone or he would go home and scream at them. It was awful.


Thankfully they have a Step dad who adores them and they adore him no matter what their dad has told them about how horrible their mother is and they shouldn't like their step dad blah blah blah...

If the father's not interested in parenting you can not make him. That goes without saying.

I think if you are you should go for equal joint . That way you can then work out what you want with your ex. If they are being unreasonable you always have your rights to fall back on.

Now when one parents is a whack job.....you need to do what you have to do. The OP sounds like the whack job has primary.