If you are planning on coming to Boston, some things you should know....

[Disney1fan2002]

I know this is probably old, but I get a chuckle everytime I read it, most of it is wicked true!

OK... pay attention: the geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.

Harvard Bridge The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge via Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge . When it was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge named for the institution. MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard. This is all true.

Information on Boston and the Surrounding Areas:

There is no school on School Street , no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square , and no water on Water Street . Back Bay Boston streets are in alphabetical oddah: Arlington , Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc. If the streets are named after trees (e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you are on Beacon Hill . If they are named after poets, you are in Wellesley .
Massachusetts Avenue is Mass Ave. Commonwealth Avenue is Comm Ave. South Boston is Southie. The South End is the South End. East Boston is Eastie. The North End is east of the former West End . The West End and Scully Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night. Roxbury is The Berree, Jamaica Plain is J.P.

How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly (Say it wrong and be shunned).
Worcester : Wuhsta (or Wistah)
Gloucester : Glawsta
Leicester: Lesta
Woburn: Woobun
Dedham : Dead-um
Revere: Re -vee-ah
Quincy: Quinzee
Tewksbury : Tooks berry
Leominster : Le-min-sta
Peabody: Pee-ba-dee
Waltham : Walth-ham
Chatham: Chaddum
Samoset: Sam-oh-set or Sum-aw-set, but nevah Summerset!

Definitions:
FRAPPES are made with ice cream; MILKSHAKES are not.
If it is carbonated and flavored, it is TONIC
Soda means CLUB SODA.
Pop refers to one's father (Dad).
When we want Tonic Water, we will ask for TONIC WATER.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $7/pound, you got scrod.
It is not a water fountain; it is a bubblah.
It is not a trashcan; it is a barrel.
It is not a spucky, a hero, or a grinder; it is a sub.
It is not a shopping caht; it is a carriage.
It is not a purse; it is a pockabook.
They are not franks; they are haht dahgs; franks are money used Switzahland.

If you want those things on top of your ice cream you ask for Jimmies..not sprinkles

Police do not drive patrol units or black and whites; they drive a crewza. If you take the bus, you're on the "looza crooza." It is not a rubber band; it is an elastic. It is not a traffic circle, it is a rotary. "Going to the islands" means going to Martha's Vineyard or Nantucket .

The Sox = The Red Sox
The Cs = The Celtics
The Bs = The Bruins
The Pats =The Patriots

Things not to do:
Do not pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They will tow it to Meffa ( Medford ) or Summahville (Somerville) .
Do not sleep on the Common. ( Boston Common)
Do not wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day. You'll get beat up

Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, and two Hancock buildings (one is very old; one is relatively new) (got to keep the British confused).

The colored lights on top the old Hancock tell the weatha:
"Solid blue, clear view."
"Flashing blue, clouds due."
"Solid red, rain ahead."
"Flashing red, snow instead." (except in summer, flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out!

Most people live here all their life and still do not know what the hell is going on with this one. Route 128 South is I-95 south. It is also I-93 north.
The underground train is not a subway. It is the T, and it does not run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).
Order the cold tea in China Town after 2:00 am; you will get a kettle full of beer.

Bostonians: think that it is their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic.
Bostonians: think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no Rs, except in idear.
Bostonians: think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
Bostonians: refer to six inches of snow as a dusting.
* Bostonians: always bang a left as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
* Bostonians: believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
Bostonians: think that 63 degree ocean water is warm.
Bostonians: think Rhode Island accents are annoying.

 

[TinkerBean]

I remember when I first moved here from Canada (20 yrs ago), I pronounced

Woburn - Woburn instead of Wooburn (go figure) my co-workers laughed for days on that one...

Oh yeah, I live in Meffa (Medford), the next town over is Ahlinton (Arlington)

 

[perdidobay]

Too funny! My advice.....the weather in October is much better than in January for the tourist. I've been there, done that!

 

[NikitaZee]

I've only lived here for a couple of years - my youngest son was born in Worcester and I still have to remind myself how to pronounce that one correctly. Here's another tip: if you happen to be a NY Yankees fan and wear a Yankees t-shirt or hat, be prepared with a witty comeback. You are almost 100% certain to hear a comment about it.

 

[golfgal]

If you could post a clarification of the rest of the driving rules in Boston, that would be very helpful. It seems perfectly legal to make a left turn from a far right lane, stop lights are completely optional, and it seems to be ok to drive which ever direction you want on any given road.

 

[TinkerBean]

I had a co-worker who moved here from another country, actually ask me if blinkers were optional here...

 

[MerMom60_94]

If you could post a clarification of the rest of the driving rules in Boston, that would be very helpful. It seems perfectly legal to make a left turn from a far right lane, stop lights are completely optional, and it seems to be ok to drive which ever direction you want on any given road.

Golfgal, it sounds to me like you're catching on just fine!

 

[Silent1CB]

Lived here my entire life.

 

[FINFAN]

Don't have a trip planned, but it sure would be fun to go and just listen to you all!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

So true - all of it.

 

[kirbydog48]

Wicked pissa!

 

[pyrxtc]

Did you get the 2nd book too ??

Unwritten rules of the road in Boston:

• The travel lane is the left lane
• To pass; tailgate until touching, flash lights, honk horn
• left turn from right lane; right turn from left
• right turn on red except when the sign says NO RIGHT ON RED. Then take a right after slowing down
• Speed up for pedestrians in crosswalk
• cutting off rival drivers is permissable if using blinkers
• Stop = slow to 10 MPH
• Yellow light = speed up to avoid running red light or getting rear ended
• double parking = leave motor running and radio blaring to indicate brief errand
• yield sign = speed up while honking horn

Also when you want to go to the park to see the beautiful flowers and ride the swan boats (duck boats are not here, they go in the river not the lake), Don't ask for directions to the Boston Garden since you will be sent to see the sports arena even though the name has changed. happened to my MIL, she was lost for 3 hrs. Called to say she was coming home cuz they kept sending her to this big building. I told her what to ask for and she eventually found it. If you drive it, you will get lost. Just find a parking garage and walk or take the T from there.

 

[Costumesaremylife]

We call them directionals not blinkers or turn signals.

And it's Scollay Square not Scully.

Also, the Harvard Bridge is measured in Smoots which is equal to 5'7, the bridge measures 364.4 Smoots plus or minus one ear.

Oh, and they changed the name back to the Boston Garden (The Gahden) so you'd get there just the same.

 

[nephthys43]

My friend lived in swampscot for s little while and when I went to visit, I would make her drive through Peabody just so I could screech pee-ba-dee at the top of my lungs. I got so mad at the T one time that I walked from down near the duck boats all the way up to faneuil hall, cause I couldn't figure it out. I mean, come on! Inbound and outbound with the change nowhere near the center? What is up with that? I love Boston, but I could never live there, I'm a Yankees fan

 

[princess.chell]

This is too awesome and funny!
I'll soon be moving from Chicago to Boston for college and can't wait!
Thanks for all the "advice"

 

[kaytieeldr]

There is no school on School Street , no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square , and no water on Water Street

As a rule, perhaps - but I might debate this, given the tendency in recent years for old water mains to break, and the very recent extreme rains we've had - up to thirteen inches in the last two weeks

The West End and Scully Square are no more

I KNOW the OP didn't compose this - truly entertaining - piece, but just for purposes of accuracy (in case wheover did write it ever reads this) it's Scollay Square Or rather, it was Scollay Square

Most people live here all their life and still do not know what the hell is going on with this one. Route 128 South is I-95 south. It is also I-93 north.

Not exactly 100% accurate (again, directed at the author, NOT the original poster. Route 128 doesn't GO north and south. Even-numbered highways go east and west - so 128 east is I-95 north, and 128 west (which also actually ends up going east) is where things get really confusing, with some of it being 95 south and some being 93-something - even I don't know what's what!

Bostonians: think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.

Hey! I resent that! Three straight days of 90º+ IS a heat wave!!!! Where is this 'humorist' from, anyway?

My friend lived in swampscot for s little while and when I went to visit, I would make her drive through Peabody just so I could screech pee-ba-dee at the top of my lungs.

Welll, aside from being a little silly, since we all already KNOW how to pronounce it (and since we live here, our way is the RIGHT way)... you do realize you can't really get anywhere from Swampscott UNLESS you drive through Peabody, right?

.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Blinkers? We don't need no stinkin blinkers! (They give our secrets away to the enemy.)

Basic rules for driving in Boston

Boston is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in America in
which to drive. Who would argue? Herewith, for newcomers and visitors,
are a few basic rules of the road for driving in these parts:

- To obtain a general idea of how to drive in Boston, go to a
Celtics game and carefully watch the fast break. Then get behind the
wheel of your car and practice it.
- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and
left before proceeding.
- When in doubt, accelerate.
- Very generally speaking, the intransigence of the Boston driver
is directly proportional to the expense of his American-made car, and
inversely proportional to the expense of his foreign-made car. But in
applying this formula, bear in mind that they are all more or less
intransigent.
- In the long run, parking your car in a lot is always cheaper than
parking it at a meter.
- Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper stickers
may brake for animals, but they may not brake for you. Watch it.
- Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't reach the top of
the steering wheel.
- Teenage drivers believe they are immortal. Don't yield to the
temptation to teach them otherwise.
- Taxicabs should always have the right of way, unless you are bent
on suicide.
- Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under
the wheels of your car.
- The first parking space you see will be the last parking space
you see. Grab it.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving,
thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
- Steer clear of people with antinuclear bumper stickers pasted on
their cars. They are interested in preserving mankind, which is
admirable. But they are not necessarily interested in preserving you,
or themselves, for that matter. They have more important things to
think about.
- Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
- Double-park in the North End of Boston, unless triple-parking is
available.
- Always look both ways when running a red light.
- While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot parking
space, it is seldom possible to fit a 16-foot car into a 15-foot
parking space. Sad but true.
- There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic in
Boston.
- It is traditional in Boston to honk your horn at cars that don't
move the instant the light changes.
- Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions.
They are put there to confuse people who don't know their way around
the city.
- Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes. Breakdown
lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during
rush hour.
- Never use directional signals, since they only confound and
distract other Boston drivers, who are not used to them.
- Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals, Boston drivers,
unused to such courtesies, will think you are waving them on to pass
you.
- The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the Boston
area, a signal to slow down. It is a warning to speed up and get
through the intersection before the light turns red.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
- In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element of
surprise. That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun other
drivers.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel
guilty.
- Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to insure
inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible.
- Remember that the goal of every Boston driver is to get there
first by whatever means necessary.
- Above all, keep moving.

And good luck. You'll need it.

 

[kaytieeldr]

- There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic in
Boston.

There is - but every other driver knows about it, too

 

[Costumesaremylife]

I always give a quick check at green lights before proceeding. My friends think it's bizarre.

Also when driving in Southie, do not stay in the right lane no matter what the traffic signs tell you. At least three times during the drive you will have to go around someone who was seemingly driving along and then suddenly threw their car into park, double parking of course. And then they went in for the night.


Also, we eat ice cream even in blizzards.

 

[PatsMom]

I live in New Hampshire in tourist country. We northerners would really love it if NH had border checks. Prior to being admitted to our state, drivers from Mass would need to prove that they understand some basic concepts.

1. Where the directional is and how to use it
2. What the left turn lane is for
3. Prove the ability to read and comprehend the phrase "slower traffic keep right" means.
4. That they can park whatever oversized hunk of metal they have purchased to venture into snow country - if you can't park it, don't drive it!