I need some help with my carpooling situation .. it's getting tricky!

[bajanswife]

I’ll try to keep this short (ish), which will mean I might have to skip a lot of details.

My carpooling neighbour is stressed this term and feels like she can’t keep up with the carpool, and some of the reasons for her stress are things she brings on herself or things she can change. This carpool is very important to me, as I’m a working mom and I’m taking too much time off work already to deal with school stuff. She doesn’t work, but is finding it stressful to deal with my DS on top of her 3 kids (the drive itself isn’t the issue for her, but it is for me). I’d like to help her deal with this so we can continue to carpool successfully like we did last year.

First problem: she tries to do too much for her kids, and consequently mine too. E.g. when she takes them to swimming after school she helps them all get into their swimsuits, she has to lather hers with sunscreen because they are super fair (DS doesn’t need sunscreen at that hour) etc. My DS (5 3/4) can dress himself without any assistance whatsoever – but she won’t let him, so she brings stress on herself. He tends to dawdle – but she won’t let him be late for class and have the teachers deal with him like I would. I have told her more than once to get her kids ready first, don’t worry about my DS, just give him his suit. If she finishes her kids and they go into the pool and my DS still looks like he could use a hand, or needs a reminder, then she has time to take care of him. But she can’t bring herself to do that.

Second: the sheer number of boys in her car (usually 4) drives her nuts – the noise etc. She has child care at home – most days she can get home before her lady has to leave. Why doesn’t she leave her younger boys (4 & 1) at home at least a couple of the days so it’s less stressful? Her reasons are that the housekeeper isn’t getting enough done (but her house is so clean!), and her 4 y.o. wants to come (she’s the parent, but she can’t say “no” sometimes – not talking about leaving them all the time, as a drive can be fun for them too!).

Third: my DS usually doesn’t want to get out of her car b/c he wants to play at her house. She isn’t firm enough, and will spend 15 mins trying to get him out of the car, which I find unreal! He’s a skinny 44 lb 5 year old – how hard can it be? Luckily this only happens when I’m not home and my nanny is tied up inside doing something with one of my girls. I can find ways to deal with this issue – I really just used it for illustration, to show why she’s finding all this so difficult.

I need to talk with DS and see how I can get him to be less of a stress to her but really, he’s only 5 and he’s a dawdler, and he’s not that hard to deal with if you’re firm and lay down your expectations of him, and allow him to take the consequences of his actions.

How can I help her? Our family already does more than hers in this carpool, and it’s very difficult to take more days off her hands because of my job. Ideally I’d like her to deal with her days better, but I can’t completely change who she is! How can I encourage her to let DS be independent, to leave her younger ones at home more, to be more firm with DS? If she doesn’t feel her stress ease soon, she will bail on me, and that will be extremely difficult for me.

One thing I thought of was incorporating the class theme of “independence” into a discussion somehow – the teacher is trying to get all the kids, who are 5 going on 6, to a point of total independence with undressing and dressing, dealing with their lunches etc. So, it’s actually important for her to stop babying her almost 6 y.o. I know it’s usually not advisable to comment on someone else’s parenting unless asked (and even then, tread with caution!), but I have a lot riding on this, and I thought I could maybe discuss it without really making it a parenting thing. I don’t know – any thoughts? Do I even have a right (or at least a reasonable desire) to want her to be able to get it together and deal better with this carpool, which we’ve already done successfully for a year? All our other neighbours go to different schools, and the carpool was so convenient for both our families – I feel like we should fight for it, not just throw in the towel because things are feeling a little tough right now. Maybe she just doesn’t need it as much as I do, in which case I can’t hold her to it. But I feel like she does have some incentive to want to keep at least some version of it.

What do you guys think?

 

[trip]

Sorry you are having this problem. I don't have any suggestions except try to find another way to get your son to school.

It sounds like she just doesn't want to car pool any longer - not sure how you can make her.

 

[MandM-Mom]

Sounds to me like she does not want to car pool anymore and by telling you how difficult things are she is hoping you find someone else. She might not want to come right out and say it because she does not want to make you mad, so she wants you to make the decision to stop on your own without her being the bad guy!

 

[mudnuri]

This would be exactly why I will not car pool with ANYONE....if your child needs a ride today, fine call me and I'll probably pick them up, but don't rely on me every day for swim lessons, soccer practice, boy scouts, and library trips....

I despise carpools

Brandy

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I know that the carpool is good for you, but I'm not so sure I'd want someone driving my child if they don't really want to be doing so. I assume this is the neighbor that you've had problems with before (issues with your nanny and her, if I'm remembering right).

As to some of the specific issues...last year I carpooled with another mother to and from preschool. It was only my son and her son, but those 2 boys could get SO loud. Several times I pulled the car over and didn't drive until the noise quieted down. I have a faily high tolerance for noise, but I wouldn't drive if it became too distracting.

You can't really suggest that she not bring her other children, but maybe could tell her that it would be easier for her to occasionally leave them at home.

I agree that she should coddle the older kids less and let them dress themselves, etc. It's ok to help when they need help, but they can certainly dress themselves at 5yo (my youngest is 5). My son is also a dawdler, which can drive a person crazy, but letting him be late for class and letting the teacher remind him would be a reasonable thing.

Good luck!

 

[Tea Please]

I tend to agree that she is looking for a way out. Step back and look at what you wrote, you may see a clearer picture.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

This would be exactly why I will not car pool with ANYONE....if your child needs a ride today, fine call me and I'll probably pick them up, but don't rely on me every day for swim lessons, soccer practice, boy scouts, and library trips....

I despise carpools

Brandy

I live for carpools! And same with the other parents that we know. There are times, with 3 kids still living at home, that our kids have to be in 3 different places. It means that I don't have to drop off one, bring another somewhere else, pick up the first one, only to rush back to the second, etc, etc. It is a give and take, though. I'm helping other parents out somedays and they help us out other days.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You will be best served by finding another way to get your son to school. Your DS and her family are not a match.

 

[bajanswife]

I'm not sure if she really does want to stop outright. She's always said that mornings are difficult for her because her DH goes to work early (like 6.30 a.m.) and her housekeeper doesn't get in early enough. She also has to drop her 4 yo at the preschool nearby, which doesn't take the kids until 7.30, but to beat the traffic to the other school it's best to leave home before 7.15. She's getting a huge benefit carpooling so that she doesn't have to take her DS in the morning (we do ALL the morning trips). Dropping her DS to school is something her DH can do sometimes, but I know it's a major pain for him (and very out of his way), and as much as she might like to think he'll do it everyday if they stopped carpooling, he's going to get fed up with it very quickly (I know him). I think she was stressed and speaking on the spur of the moment, and not really thinking it through. I still think we can work with this.

I agree it's not the best fit, but it's the best thing either of our families have got right now. I have been thinking about who else might live in my area, and the pickings are slim, but there are a couple of possibilities for partial carpooling here and there (working around after school activities etc.). I've been resisting that b/c the schedule can get very complicated with multiple people.

She told me that swimming isn't as much of a stressor as soccer is, and I offered to do the soccer (I was away last week when soccer began, so she had to do it). She hesitated b/c she's got the drive to the school down pat but not to the soccer field (she has to come and bring her 4 y.o. who's doing it too) so she said might as well get them from school - but if it's a stress she should just let ME do it! I am happy to! I don't know why she is resisting! I didn't mention it as one of her issues before b/c I'll probably end up doing it, as she'll likely come to her senses and realize that I'll be saving her a lot of trouble.

Anyway, we made a plan to discuss this further later today or tomorrow, and she did say that she really would love a complete day off now that she thinks about it more, so I know she doesn't want to just end the carpooling altogether (there would be no days off for her if she didn't carpool).

Thanks for your feedback so far. Please, if you think of any more I would appreciate it.

 

[disykat]

It sounds to me like she's just a person who likes to be overwhelmed and will be that way no matter what her share of the responsibilities are. If you've determined that it's fair, she can handle it safely, and she still wants you to cover your part of the carpool - I'd just let her drama go in one ear and out the other. You've offered to take on more of her portion of the work and she won't let you. You've told her your ds doesn't need much of her attention and she won't listen. Really - what more can you do?

 

[HappyMommy2]

Yikes, that is a tricky situation. I'm sorry things aren't going smoothly and I hope it all works out for you!

Honestly, I think the things you suggest as areas that would help your neighbor (getting her son to be more independent, learning how to say 'no,' leaving a couple of the kids home, and so on) would probably offend me if I were your neighbor and you suggested them to me. I can't really think of a very polite way to suggest any of those types of things to a dear friend, let alone just a carpool-neighbor. I don't take offense too easily but I think I would be pretty put off (or at least very embarrassed and sad) if a neighbor implied, however politely, that my parenting needed so much improvement.

You will still be neighbors (and hopefully your kids still friends, since it sounds like the kids really enjoy each other) carpool or not, so I think maybe you should just talk to her openly to see if she really does want out of the carpool, and if she does, preserve the friendly relationship by just leaving it at that.

 

[DisneyArk]

Third: my DS usually doesn’t want to get out of her car b/c he wants to play at her house. She isn’t firm enough, and will spend 15 mins trying to get him out of the car, which I find unreal! He’s a skinny 44 lb 5 year old – how hard can it be? Luckily this only happens when I’m not home and my nanny is tied up inside doing something with one of my girls. I can find ways to deal with this issue – I really just used it for illustration, to show why she’s finding all this so difficult.

I need to talk with DS and see how I can get him to be less of a stress to her but really, he’s only 5 and he’s a dawdler, and he’s not that hard to deal with if you’re firm and lay down your expectations of him, and allow him to take the consequences of his actions.

First of all I understand that carpools are great if they work out. I think you need to focus on what you can change and not try to "encourage" her to expect more out of her own son.

Have you tried to tell your son that he has to get out of the car when she drops him at your house? This problem is a big pet peeve of mine and I avoid children who constantly beg to come over!! I puts me in a difficult situation and I expect their parents to step in. I'm not their parent and I don't feel like I can "make" them doing anything. Even though your son is only 44 lbs, I would never expect this mother to pick him up or pull him out of her car...

Can you start some kind of "discipline" system. Like green, yellow and red? During the carpool she will move him to yellow if he doesn't do what she asks. If he gets moved to red then she will tell you and you can deal with it however you see fit. This is just an idea that might give her more "control". I hate having to tell someone that their child was difficult of didn't obey.

Good luck!! I hope I didn't come across as too negative!

 

[kasar]

As a SAHM I'd really like to chime in here. Just because she's home (and with help to boot) doesn't mean she isn't stressed to the max - some people can handle tons of kids, some can't. It sounds like it's just overwhelming to her. And yes, you do the mornings but that's just pretty much picking up and dropping off at school, you're not unbuckling, unloading, getting across parking lots, going into changing rooms, doling out snacks, wriggling wet bodies out of swimsuits, etc. I think I'd be upset too. And she does soccer drop offs too? Again, with the whole logistics, I think that's a lot especially when you throw her small children into the mix. I've done my share of carpooling and sometimes it's easier if I just handle my own family even if that means I drive every day.

I think I'd be looking around for another alternative - she may not be willing to admit that it's too much for her. Good luck.

 

[mudnuri]

As a SAHM I'd really like to chime in here. Just because she's home (and with help to boot) doesn't mean she isn't stressed to the max - some people can handle tons of kids, some can't. It sounds like it's just overwhelming to her. And yes, you do the mornings but that's just pretty much picking up and dropping off at school, you're not unbuckling, unloading, getting across parking lots, going into changing rooms, doling out snacks, wriggling wet bodies out of swimsuits, etc. I think I'd be upset too. And she does soccer drop offs too? Again, with the whole logistics, I think that's a lot especially when you throw her small children into the mix. I've done my share of carpooling and sometimes it's easier if I just handle my own family even if that means I drive every day.

I think I'd be looking around for another alternative - she may not be willing to admit that it's too much for her. Good luck.

ITA!

Brandy

 

[luvmy2sams]

First problem: she tries to do too much for her kids, and consequently mine too. E.g. when she takes them to swimming after school she helps them all get into their swimsuits, she has to lather hers with sunscreen because they are super fair (DS doesn’t need sunscreen at that hour) etc. My DS (5 3/4) can dress himself without any assistance whatsoever – but she won’t let him, so she brings stress on herself. He tends to dawdle – but she won’t let him be late for class and have the teachers deal with him like I would. I have told her more than once to get her kids ready first, don’t worry about my DS, just give him his suit. If she finishes her kids and they go into the pool and my DS still looks like he could use a hand, or needs a reminder, then she has time to take care of him. But she can’t bring herself to do that.?

Big judgment call that she's trying to do too much for her kids. Even if she is, that's her choice. I wouldn't be too happy if someone else, however well meaning, tried to point out how I could do so much better, in their opinion, as a parent. Whenever I'm responsible for another person's child, I make sure that the kid gets to the destination I'm responsible for transporting them to. Perhaps that is the woman's logic in not letting your 5-year-old dawdle. Who knows where he would end up if she simply left him to his own devices?

Second: the sheer number of boys in her car (usually 4) drives her nuts – the noise etc. She has child care at home – most days she can get home before her lady has to leave. Why doesn’t she leave her younger boys (4 & 1) at home at least a couple of the days so it’s less stressful? Her reasons are that the housekeeper isn’t getting enough done (but her house is so clean!), and her 4 y.o. wants to come (she’s the parent, but she can’t say “no” sometimes – not talking about leaving them all the time, as a drive can be fun for them too!). ?

Sounds like she's given her reasons for why she doesn't leave her kids at home. Even if you would do so differently, it's not your life. Again, they're her kids, so it's her choice to bring them along. Don't think I'd touch this one either.

Third: my DS usually doesn’t want to get out of her car b/c he wants to play at her house. She isn’t firm enough, and will spend 15 mins trying to get him out of the car, which I find unreal! He’s a skinny 44 lb 5 year old – how hard can it be? Luckily this only happens when I’m not home and my nanny is tied up inside doing something with one of my girls. I can find ways to deal with this issue – I really just used it for illustration, to show why she’s finding all this so difficult.
I need to talk with DS and see how I can get him to be less of a stress to her but really, he’s only 5 and he’s a dawdler, and he’s not that hard to deal with if you’re firm and lay down your expectations of him, and allow him to take the consequences of his actions. ?

Again, she's dealing with someone else's child here. She might not feel comfortable handling your DS in the manner you would, even if you've given her permission. You'd be surprised at how much liberty a skinny 5-year-old can take when he knows mom's not around. Sounds like a frustrating situation.

Ideally I’d like her to deal with her days better, but I can’t completely change who she is! How can I encourage her to let DS be independent, to leave her younger ones at home more, to be more firm with DS? If she doesn’t feel her stress ease soon, she will bail on me, and that will be extremely difficult for me.

I wouldn't appreciate anyone, no matter how well meaning, giving me constructive ideas on how to deal with my day or my children better. You're observing mostly as an outsider. Who knows what else is going on with her that could be adding to the stress of the situation.

I know it’s usually not advisable to comment on someone else’s parenting unless asked (and even then, tread with caution!), but I have a lot riding on this, and I thought I could maybe discuss it without really making it a parenting thing. I don’t know – any thoughts? Do I even have a right (or at least a reasonable desire) to want her to be able to get it together and deal better with this carpool, which we’ve already done successfully for a year?

Unless you have a great relationship with this person (and even then I'd hesitate), I don't think I'd broach the subject of granting her kids some independence. She'll figure that one out soon enough. You sure have a right to a reasonable desire to want her to be able to deal with carpooling better, but that doesn't mean you should say anything to her. Depending on the type of person she is, she could take anything you say as criticism of her choices. That wouldn't be good. I think your best bet is finding another carpool option, or taking on the responsibility for yourself.

Good luck. I hope that you find a solution that works out best for everyone.

 

[LMC]

This right here sounds like she wants a carpool that is convenient for her and never mind anyone else. She wants to use you every morning, even though you have a job to get to and she only wants you to use her ocassionally in the afternoons. I would find another solution; by the end of the school year this will probably get bad!!
I see you are in Barbados, can your nanny drive and pick him up for you? Do you trust her to do that with your children? Could your and your husband alternate weeks of leaving work early to pick him up from school and just get out of the carpool completely? Besides, if you take a break from carpooling from her, she may decide that the carpooling trade-offs were not that bad after all!!! We all have to give a little to get a little.
If it were me and I felt I was imposing on someone, I would make other arrangements. I know that people tend to take their resentments out on children and I wouldn't want that to happen to mine.

...She's always said that mornings are difficult for her because her DH goes to work early (like 6.30 a.m.) and her housekeeper doesn't get in early enough. She .

 

[bajanswife]

Can you start some kind of "discipline" system. Like green, yellow and red? During the carpool she will move him to yellow if he doesn't do what she asks. If he gets moved to red then she will tell you and you can deal with it however you see fit. This is just an idea that might give her more "control". I hate having to tell someone that their child was difficult of didn't obey.

Thanks for the tip! I wasn't sure what to do about this, as I rarely have to resort to things like this - my word is usually enough. But she may need something to use for when he isn't cooperating.

 

[bajanswife]

As a SAHM I'd really like to chime in here. Just because she's home (and with help to boot) doesn't mean she isn't stressed to the max - some people can handle tons of kids, some can't. It sounds like it's just overwhelming to her. And yes, you do the mornings but that's just pretty much picking up and dropping off at school, you're not unbuckling, unloading, getting across parking lots, going into changing rooms, doling out snacks, wriggling wet bodies out of swimsuits, etc. I think I'd be upset too. And she does soccer drop offs too? Again, with the whole logistics, I think that's a lot especially when you throw her small children into the mix. I've done my share of carpooling and sometimes it's easier if I just handle my own family even if that means I drive every day.

I think I'd be looking around for another alternative - she may not be willing to admit that it's too much for her. Good luck.

Yes, I do understand it's tough for her, not meaning to imply it isn't. But she does have some options, and in her shoes I'd be using them. I guess I'm not entirely following her thought process clearly, so I'm not understanding why things *need* to be so difficult.

Obviously soccer and swimming are tougher than regular drop off and pick up - but she volunteered for both initially, even though I said I'd take one. She's still hesitating about me taking over soccer, but she agreed to try it this week.

 

[bajanswife]

Big judgment call that she's trying to do too much for her kids. Even if she is, that's her choice. I wouldn't be too happy if someone else, however well meaning, tried to point out how I could do so much better, in their opinion, as a parent. Whenever I'm responsible for another person's child, I make sure that the kid gets to the destination I'm responsible for transporting them to. Perhaps that is the woman's logic in not letting your 5-year-old dawdle. Who knows where he would end up if she simply left him to his own devices? .

She did admit that she does a lot for her kids, and that's just how she is, and she doesn't feel right not giving my son the same sort of attention (equating helping with attention and love/caring I guess). OK, fine for the young ones, but she's not helping him in the long run by doing this for the older one. Even the *school* is sending this message loud and clear, and she's ignoring it. I find it very wrong, and I'll never change my mind about that. But you're right - I don't need to make her feel bad about what *she* feels is right. We talked about it a couple of times, and I won't push it.

Sounds like she's given her reasons for why she doesn't leave her kids at home. Even if you would do so differently, it's not your life. Again, they're her kids, so it's her choice to bring them along. Don't think I'd touch this one either.

OK. I guess I'm frustrated that I'm working hard to find solutions to all her issues, and I feel like she has a reason why none of them will work! And I don't feel like she's giving them enough consideration! Maybe this is really a bad thing for both of us right now, I don't know. But we still both appreciate how we can help each other, even though it's difficult, so perhaps we just haven't hit on the right arrangement yet. Anyway, she has decided to leave the 1 y.o. at home for swimming b/c the pool i just too hot for him. So she thinks swimming will be OK.

Again, she's dealing with someone else's child here. She might not feel comfortable handling your DS in the manner you would, even if you've given her permission. You'd be surprised at how much liberty a skinny 5-year-old can take when he knows mom's not around. Sounds like a frustrating situation..


I wouldn't appreciate anyone, no matter how well meaning, giving me constructive ideas on how to deal with my day or my children better. You're observing mostly as an outsider. Who knows what else is going on with her that could be adding to the stress of the situation.



Unless you have a great relationship with this person (and even then I'd hesitate), I don't think I'd broach the subject of granting her kids some independence. She'll figure that one out soon enough. You sure have a right to a reasonable desire to want her to be able to deal with carpooling better, but that doesn't mean you should say anything to her. Depending on the type of person she is, she could take anything you say as criticism of her choices. That wouldn't be good. I think your best bet is finding another carpool option, or taking on the responsibility for yourself.

Good luck. I hope that you find a solution that works out best for everyone.

Point taken. I've been very careful with what I have said. She's the type of person who likes to talk things out though, so she hasn't taken offense to anything I did say so far. I hope we do find a solution soon!

 

[bajanswife]

This right here sounds like she wants a carpool that is convenient for her and never mind anyone else. She wants to use you every morning, even though you have a job to get to and she only wants you to use her ocassionally in the afternoons. I would find another solution; by the end of the school year this will probably get bad!!
I see you are in Barbados, can your nanny drive and pick him up for you? Do you trust her to do that with your children? Could your and your husband alternate weeks of leaving work early to pick him up from school and just get out of the carpool completely? Besides, if you take a break from carpooling from her, she may decide that the carpooling trade-offs were not that bad after all!!! We all have to give a little to get a little.
If it were me and I felt I was imposing on someone, I would make other arrangements. I know that people tend to take their resentments out on children and I wouldn't want that to happen to mine.

I wish our nanny could drive! She walks to work - lives just down the road.

DH and I could do it if we had to, but it would be very tough. You see, my DD is only allowed to stay at school until 12.30 this term, but DS and the neighbour's DS get out at 2.30 - so already I am at the school picking DD up and taking her home, which takes a full hour out of my already short workday. When I took this job last year I negotiated to work from 7.30 till 2.30 with no lunch hour per se (I just grab a bite and keep going) so I could do school pick up etc. and go home. Now I have had to tell my boss that instead of eating quickly at my desk, I need to take a full lunch hour, plus i still need to leave at 2.30 most days b/c this carpool isn't working out the way I had hoped! It's very counter-productive, b/c I get back to work after taking DD home between 1.15 and 1.30, and that last hour before I leave for the day just isn't very productive. I have gotten into another carpool so that 2 days a week I don't have to go for DD. Thank goodness next term she will be full day as well!

I need this carpool so badly - can you see why I'm trying my hardest to make this work?!