I need help and advice MIL dying!

[MsDisney23]

I am so upset here this morning, and I am going to turn to all of you!

MIL is back in the hospital, she is weak with her heart and now having blood transfusion! MIL is a very strong independant woman. She lives alone, with her one son living right next door with his wife. Gary and I live several miles away.

MIL needs all kinds of help now, but she will not listen and do the things she is suppose to. She is making it so hard on everyone. The son who lives next door and his wife are not doing to much to help, They are just dumping everything on us. They would rather just put her in a Nursing home,etc. They act like there is nothing wrong with her and that she is going to get better. etc. DH wants to bring her to live with us, I have no problem with that. I know that BIL & SIL will not help me any. I am looking into hiring help.

My dh told his Mother last night that she does have to come and stay with us, even if it is for a few days, etc. She told him "NO". She will stay in her home. It is not good for her to be alone right now, but she is making everything so very hard and difficult. This morning I called her Son and he said oh Mom is doing "GREAT" she is getting back to normal. All she has to do is rebuild her strength.

I talked to MIL this morning, and said that I was looking forward to her coming and staying with us. I said Mom just think, you love my cooking, you will have a nice warm bed, Jamie will cuddle with you, and you have the run of the house! She got nasty with me and also told me "NO".

I feel at this point I just have to walk away and let her two Son's decide. It is so hard, The boys just seem to not agree. The Mom just thinks that everyone should drop everything and cater to her every need. It would be so much easier for her to just come here!

Thanks I just needed to Vent.

 

[we3disneygo]

 

[chrissyk]

Is it possible that she knows that she is dying and wants to do so in her own home? Could hospice be brought in to make that possible? I know that my dad thinks that his mother would have lived a lot longer if he hadn't let her move back to her own home (from our home). I'm not sure, though. I think that maybe she wanted to die in her own home and that's why she insisted on going back.

I can see where it would be a lot easier for you to have your MIL living with you, though. My other grandparents (who are NOT dying) insisted on staying in their own home way past the point of safety. It took a ridiculous toll on everyone to keep them there, and the situation eventually ended when there was a major safety issue that never should have occurred in the first place. It's a tough choice to make. If your MIL really is dying, though, I'd vote for letting her die where she is most comfortable. It sounds like that's her own home.

 

[MsDisney23]

Mom does not want anyone in, she tells everyone she is fine. but this lady can hardly get around at all. I have no idea what to do. She can get very nasty and mean. She has been that way for years. She has to have everythign her way or no way! I am tired of trying to help and help. This is all just so hard.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If she is in such a state why is the doctor releasing her to her home? That has me a little confused. Normally if a person is unable to care for themselves they do not let them go back home.

My thoughts on your MIL is that she knows if she goes to YOUR home it is "over" for her. She will never go back. Probably why she is putting up a fight, she isn't ready to go. It isn't easy to navigate this.

Can she get hospice? I would hire a nurse, housekeeper, whatever it takes to come in if you cannot get hospice yet.

{HUGS} It will work out, have faith!!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Mom does not want anyone in, she tells everyone she is fine. but this lady can hardly get around at all. I have no idea what to do. She can get very nasty and mean. She has been that way for years. She has to have everythign her way or no way! I am tired of trying to help and help. This is all just so hard.

Then she needs to go to a nursing home. Tell the doctor to not let her go back home.

 

[chrissyk]

Then she needs to go to a nursing home. Tell the doctor to not let her go back home.

I agree. Unfortunately, I think that this will have to be MIL's alternative. Is there a social worker involved in the situation? I didn't find my grandfather's social worker to be all that helpful, but some are more helpful than others I'm sure. You may want to try to talk to him/her about the situation also.

 

[Nancy]

If she is in such a state why is the doctor releasing her to her home? That has me a little confused. Normally if a person is unable to care for themselves they do not let them go back home.

My thoughts on your MIL is that she knows if she goes to YOUR home it is "over" for her. She will never go back. Probably why she is putting up a fight, she isn't ready to go. It isn't easy to navigate this.

Can she get hospice? I would hire a nurse, housekeeper, whatever it takes to come in if you cannot get hospice yet.

{HUGS} It will work out, have faith!!!!

We had this problem with my DH's grandma. My MIL was in denial so long about how sick she was, her doctor (idiot that he was) kept releasing her back home. MIL thought she was fine to be alone (and grandma had severe Parkinsons and suffered from demetia)...but Grandma kept falling, had no clue what she was doing half the time, and was probably lucky that she didn't set her house on fire or blow something up. Finally after she fell down the basement stairs and was taken again to the hospital they relaized that she could not be on her own and put her in a nursing home. MY MIL was furious that the doctors were treating her Mom like that. (Grandma could not even stand up and walk anymore on her own). The last 5 years of grandmas life were hell. My MIL refused to just let her go. She refused to sign DNR orders, so for 3 years Grandma was curled up in a fetal position, with tubes and no recognition of anything or anybody.

Grandma was also stubborn and when she first got sick she refused help from anyone and would not leave her house and move in with anybody. She probably could have saved herself countless broken bones and injuries if she had let us take care of her.

to you, it is a tough situation...made harder by the fact that you look at it objectively and know what needs to be done, but the sons are looking at it emotionally and can't see what needs to be done.

 

[diznygirl]

DFIL was very argumentative at the end of his life. I remember him refusing to sign over his car to MIL even though he was confined to bed and had only weeks to live! I guess the patient sometimes is in as much denial as the family. Or it's just the way the breaking down of the body effects them.

We took turns staying at their apartment with SIL, and had the addtional help of hospice. It was a rough two months, because DS was 2 at the time, but we got through it.

Is it possible for someone to stay with her at her place?

Good luck with your MIL - we will keep her in our prayers.

 

[MsDisney23]

I just told DH this morning how Mom is. I told him that I as well can not believe that the Dr's. keep letting her go home. However I think she leads the Dr's to think that she is getting inside help from the family. Well she is, but she now needs more!

I told DH that if this is how Mom feels there is no more that I can do, and that she is just going to to have to go to a Nursing Home. DH said that he needs to talk to the Dr's and that maybe if the Dr.. tells her that she needs to come with us or a Nursing home that might work.

I am still just hoping that all this will work out.

 

[MickeysMommy]

Oh, Kitty, I am so sorry. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless.

 

[Rozzie]

I agree with the other posters above. Is there a social worker involved? There might come a time that she is unsafe to be home. Ask to speak (or your DH) to the Dr. in private without MIL there about your concerns.

This must be so hard on you. Take some time for yourself and don't let this slow down your own road to health! Hope things get better for you soon... keep us updated!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I just told DH this morning how Mom is. I told him that I as well can not believe that the Dr's. keep letting her go home. However I think she leads the Dr's to think that she is getting inside help from the family. Well she is, but she now needs more!

I told DH that if this is how Mom feels there is no more that I can do, and that she is just going to to have to go to a Nursing Home. DH said that he needs to talk to the Dr's and that maybe if the Dr.. tells her that she needs to come with us or a Nursing home that might work.

I am still just hoping that all this will work out.

You know, you know when you hit the "wall". You cannot run yourself into the ground taking care of someone who refuses outside help.
Something has to give eventually.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It is such a miserable situation, I know from first hand experience. My grandpa was the exact some way, he was getting blood trasnfusions twice a week but refused to leave his house, he has always been so independent. One day my dad went to see him and found him collapsed on the floor and off he went to the Hospital. Unfortunately he ended up going into Hospice and he passed away about 4 months ago. He went down fighting because he wanted to be at his house (which was in the mountains and it is a HUGE house). It is so hard on the family, but I suggest you keep fighting for her to go into a nursing home or live with someone. We were constantly worried about my grandpa being alone.

 

[JCJRSmith]

Then she needs to go to a nursing home. Tell the doctor to not let her go back home.

If the woman is cognizant of what is going on in her life, the decision to go home is HERS and not the doctor's, not her son's, not her daughter-in-law's - HERS. And it is really difficult to watch this unfold.

We are going through the same thing with my mother. She suffers from congestive heart failure, diabetes and mild dementia. She recently had a hospital stay due to infections in her legs and feet that, if it happens again, could cause her to have her legs amputated. She pays lip service to her children's pleas to do what the doctors tell her, take her meds, keep her legs elevated, etc, but when we aren't there, or the Comfort Keepers (visiting helpers) aren't there, she will not participate in her own health care. BUT, and this is the big one, she isn't incompetent, so those decisions, while to most of us seem irrational, are hers to make. She already has an advanced directive and DNR in place.

Personally, I am convinced my mom wants to die - she gave up hope a long time ago after my dad died. Now, my sisters and I are discussing options open to mom for end-of-life care.

To MsDisney23 - I feel your pain. I wish there was something I could post here to make it better.

 

[Disney Doll]

You need to have a social worker involved in her discharge plan, and I will give you some "buzzwords" to throw around. "safety" and "liability". If your DMIL is deemed unsafe to go home, then whether she is competent or not, the hospital & doctor cannot send her home unless an acceptable plan is in place for her safety. And you need to make sure that her MD & the hospital are aware that if they send her home without providing a safe plan of care, then they will be liable for the results.

I would also suggest you ask if the hospital has a palliative care program. P{alliatice care is a fairly new concept i healthcare. We have one at our hospital and it has been very successful in turning around situations.

If all else fails, you may need to divest yourself from the situation, and let the chips fall where they may. If DMIL goes home to an unsafe situation, falls & breaks a hip and ends up bedridden, then it will have been the choice she made for herself. But I wouldn't be running there at her every whim. Part of her desire to be in her own home is having the ability to care for herself. If she goes home, you may need to refuse her her whims. A simple "I'm sorry Mom but I can't do that for you" will be enough to drive the point home if she hears it frequently enough. I have a friend with a "diffcult" mother who is the same way...wants her way but wants everyone to drop everything at her beck & call. She shouldn't be alone, but refuses nursing home. They finally convinced her to let a companion come in for a few hours each day, but other than that, the mother insists she "doesn't need help". Yet she is calling my friend 20 times per day to ask to her to take the laundry out of the washer & put it into the dryer, to take out the garbage, to go to the store & pick up soup. My friend's stock response to her mother is "Mom, you have assured us that you can care for yourself, and yet your requests don't seem to support that. Which is it? Can you care for yourself or not?" May seem mean, but elderly parents, like children, need limits set.

It always amazes me how stubborn and stupid people get in their old age. You would think they'd be thrilled to have someone who wants to care for them.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Sorry but this is how some sick/old people get (yes I have experience here). You either have to tell her what she will do (works for some). If she won't then you need to do whats best for you and DH. My MIL would not leave her home to come live near us. She wanted us to move by her. Well she died alone in her own home. We tried, but she refused. We then had to make the decision that we did. DH told me that she is too stubborn and she has to live with the consequences of that stubborness.

 

[arminnie]

You need to have a social worker involved in her discharge plan, and I will give you some "buzzwords" to throw around. "safety" and "liability". If your DMIL is deemed unsafe to go home, then whether she is competent or not, the hospital & doctor cannot send her home unless an acceptable plan is in place for her safety. And you need to make sure that her MD & the hospital are aware that if they send her home without providing a safe plan of care, then they will be liable for the results.

I was also going to suggest the social worker. My uncle was trying to take care of his wife when both of them were so weak. I lived out of town and spent one Christmas vacation looking for assisted living for them with a nursing home attached. She was incontinent and could not change herself or walk. He was very frail and could not lift her. They refused to move.

Finally on one of her hospitalizations we talked to the social worker. The hospital refused to release her to his care. He truly was unable to care for her, but he could not bear to put her in a nursing home when she was refusing to go. She also refused to have anyone in their home.

The bottom line is that my aunt was suffering from lack of care - not because her husband didn't want to help but he just was not able. When she did go to the nursing home he spent every single day with her all day long until the day she died a couple of years later.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Just a side note. This is the reason that everybody should carry long term care insurance. They pay yoo what they pay a nursing home to have help for you in your own home. The comfort of home and the care of a nursing home.