I need advice regarding something my son said happened at school today.

[jfoofj]

My son is 9 and is the third grade. We live in a fairly small town. I am fairly active in the school and know most of the kids in his class. Tonight at dinner my son said that his friend, who we will call John, said that he wants shotgun to shoot someone. This was during lunch time in the cafeteria and he said it to kids at the table they were sitting at. My son said the other kids kind of laughed, like it was a joke.

Now, I know this child from volunteering in the library and chaperoning field trips. He is a good kid, he is a jokester, he is the funny kid if you know what I mean. I asked my son who John said he wanted to shoot, and my son said John didn't say. I asked my son if the thought that John would ever shoot someone, and he said "I don't know". John's father works in law enforcement in some capacity, I'm not sure if he is local, state, sherrif, corrections, but that is what is giving me a pit in my stomach right now. There could be guns in the house (which, technically, there could be guns in anyones house, I know, but much higher probability with a member of law enforcement.) I've never met his parents but, again, this kid is a good kid who is always well behaved.

SO, I am completely torn right now. DH says that I should let it go, that the kid was joking around with his friends during lunch. Which I am 99% in agreement with him on. Then the little voice in my head says "what if something happens and you didn't say anything to anyone?" I do not want to cause trouble for this child or his family, or have my son targeted as a tattle tale, but I am just so confused right now. And if I do choose to talk to someone, who should it be? The teacher, the principal, the town police?

Please help me, I feel like whatever choice I make will be the wrong one.

 

[piglet too]

I would contact the school first thing in the morning. Honestly, I may even call a non-emergancy number for the police. Sure, he was most likely joking, but what if? Also, he (and every one else for that matter) need to learn that you don't joke about getting a gun to shoot someone.

 

[kwelch10377]

I wouldn't call the police, but I would call the school and let them know that while you think it was said in a joking manner you didn't want to take any chances. I would also ask that it not be revealed that your son was the one who said anything.

Hopefully the teacher or princpal will talk to him and #1 make sure that it indeed was said in a joking manner and #2 explain to him why he shouldn't joke like that.

 

[KandD]

I would talk to the teacher about it. Your son was uncomfortable enough with it to mention it to you so I think that means something.

 

[DawnCt1]

I would call the principal and preface by saying, "John is a really good kid and a jokester, and I have no concerns that he actually meant what he said, but in this day and age, its like joking about bombs in an airport; you can't do it. Perhaps it would be a good idea if you talked to John and explained to him that someone could completely misinterpret what he said, could over react and it would cause him and his parents unnecessary trouble" This way the principal would not feel that you think John is a trouble maker or a troubled child, and he could let John know that it just isn't appropriate talk, even when he is kidding.

 

[jfoofj]

I would call the principal and preface by saying, "John is a really good kid and a jokester, and I have no concerns that he actually meant what he said, but in this day and age, its like joking about bombs in an airport; you can't do it. Perhaps it would be a good idea if you talked to John and explained to him that someone could completely misinterpret what he said, could over react and it would cause him and his parents unnecessary trouble" This way the principal would not feel that you think John is a trouble maker or a troubled child, and he could let John know that it just isn't appropriate talk, even when he is kidding.

Well put, I am going to go with that. My friend teaches 5th grade and I spoke with her and she said in her town they have a whole protocol for what to do in these situations. I really don't think this child would do something like this, but if something ever did happen and I didn't say anything about it I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

I am going to request that my son's name be kept confidential, in fact I'm not even going to tell my son I am talking to the principal. There were several children at the table who heard this conversation, so realistically it could have come from a few different sources.

I feel somewhat better now.

 

[shortbun]

Why not call John's parents and explain that you are afraid you'd be getting him in trouble if you called the school but that John needs instruction about what he can and should not be joking. If I were John's mom, I'd want a call prior to you calling the school. If I didn't get any sort of serious response from John's parents, then I'd call the school.

 

[ZachnElli]

Something similar happened to my DD (5th grade) this year and I called the school. In her case, some kids were talking about who could beat up who and my nephew (same school and grade as my DD, but smaller) was told that basically anybody could beat him up and he said he'd get his cousin (my DD) to beat them up (hey, she's tall and very moody at 11!). Well, one kid said he'd bring a gun and shoot her, my nephew said he'd call the police and the kid said he would snipe all the policemen. I have no idea who the kid is, probably just mouthing off, but I wanted the school to know, so I called and told them. As far as I know, they talked to all the kids involved and called the kids' parents. But he didn't get into any real trouble. As far as I knew, his dad could have had a whole gun collection and he could have been serious or like I said, just mouthing off.

 

[goodeats]

Why not call John's parents and explain that you are afraid you'd be getting him in trouble if you called the school but that John needs instruction about what he can and should not be joking. If I were John's mom, I'd want a call prior to you calling the school. If I didn't get any sort of serious response from John's parents, then I'd call the school.

Ditto! In this day and age John could be expelled. Better go to the parents first, and then if they blow you off then go to the school.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Why not call John's parents

I think that's an awfully bad idea. I think you should call the school.

 

[mskayjay]

Why not call John's parents and explain that you are afraid you'd be getting him in trouble if you called the school but that John needs instruction about what he can and should not be joking. If I were John's mom, I'd want a call prior to you calling the school. If I didn't get any sort of serious response from John's parents, then I'd call the school.

This is what I would do. And for what it's worth, my nephew by marriage was one of the kids shot at Columbine. This stuff is nothing to joke about.

 

[Hillbeans]

I wouldn't call the police, but I would call the school and let them know that while you think it was said in a joking manner you didn't want to take any chances. I would also ask that it not be revealed that your son was the one who said anything.

Hopefully the teacher or princpal will talk to him and #1 make sure that it indeed was said in a joking manner and #2 explain to him why he shouldn't joke like that.

I would do this....

 

[jfoofj]

Ok, so I emailed the principal. I had thought about calling the parents, but the mom is remarried and I don't know her last name or where they live in town and the school doesn't give out names/addresses/phone numbers anymore so I really can't go down that avenue.

I told the principal in my email that while I am sure this was meant in a joking manner, that I thought that it should be brought to his attention. I used the line from DawnCT... about in this day and age you can't joke about this stuff ... thanks Dawn!

I did say that I do not want my son's name used in any way (there were several children who heard what "John" said so realistically it could be any one of them... who knows, maybe other parents are doing the same thing right now). I also told the principal to feel free to contact me if he wanted to further discuss this. I have a feeling I will be getting a phone call tomorrow morning. I am sure that the principal will do what is appropriate, he is a really great administrator.

I didn't tell my son I emailed the principal, I don't want him feeling anxious about it tomorrow. DH did have a talk with the boys tonight about what to do if they were ever in a situation where another kid had a gun... at school, at another persons house, whatever. DSS kept saying "I wanna change the subject" but I guess it was a conversation that we needed to have with them at some point.

Thanks for the input, I appreciate all the different views. It stinks to have to deal with something like this, but I feel like I did what was right.

 

[samshane]

I think e-mailing the pricipal is the right thing... my DD11 overheard some things are lunch and it was a similar-type situation. I e-mailed the principal about it.

 

[DawnCt1]

Ok, so I emailed the principal. I had thought about calling the parents, but the mom is remarried and I don't know her last name or where they live in town and the school doesn't give out names/addresses/phone numbers anymore so I really can't go down that avenue.

I told the principal in my email that while I am sure this was meant in a joking manner, that I thought that it should be brought to his attention. I used the line from DawnCT... about in this day and age you can't joke about this stuff ... thanks Dawn!

I did say that I do not want my son's name used in any way (there were several children who heard what "John" said so realistically it could be any one of them... who knows, maybe other parents are doing the same thing right now). I also told the principal to feel free to contact me if he wanted to further discuss this. I have a feeling I will be getting a phone call tomorrow morning. I am sure that the principal will do what is appropriate, he is a really great administrator.

I didn't tell my son I emailed the principal, I don't want him feeling anxious about it tomorrow. DH did have a talk with the boys tonight about what to do if they were ever in a situation where another kid had a gun... at school, at another persons house, whatever. DSS kept saying "I wanna change the subject" but I guess it was a conversation that we needed to have with them at some point.

Thanks for the input, I appreciate all the different views. It stinks to have to deal with something like this, but I feel like I did what was right.

Your welcome! And I think you did the right thing too. It would be a hard conversation to have with a parent you did not know very well, in which there was a "new spouse". Who knows how the step father would react, etc or the mother for that matter.

 

[npmommie]

I think you did the right thing.
I see you are in New England somewhere, I saw on the Boston news a middle school child was removed from a school, I think in Milton for talking about having a gun.
scary stuff.

 

[Erin1700]

This is what I would do. And for what it's worth, my nephew by marriage was one of the kids shot at Columbine. This stuff is nothing to joke about.

May you know that I regularly pray for those kids and their families. Hugs to you!

 

[Trish Bessette]

Ok, so I emailed the principal. I had thought about calling the parents, but the mom is remarried and I don't know her last name or where they live in town and the school doesn't give out names/addresses/phone numbers anymore so I really can't go down that avenue.

I told the principal in my email that while I am sure this was meant in a joking manner, that I thought that it should be brought to his attention. I used the line from DawnCT... about in this day and age you can't joke about this stuff ... thanks Dawn!

I did say that I do not want my son's name used in any way (there were several children who heard what "John" said so realistically it could be any one of them... who knows, maybe other parents are doing the same thing right now). I also told the principal to feel free to contact me if he wanted to further discuss this. I have a feeling I will be getting a phone call tomorrow morning. I am sure that the principal will do what is appropriate, he is a really great administrator.

I didn't tell my son I emailed the principal, I don't want him feeling anxious about it tomorrow. DH did have a talk with the boys tonight about what to do if they were ever in a situation where another kid had a gun... at school, at another persons house, whatever. DSS kept saying "I wanna change the subject" but I guess it was a conversation that we needed to have with them at some point.

Thanks for the input, I appreciate all the different views. It stinks to have to deal with something like this, but I feel like I did what was right.

Oh that just brought tears to my eyes - something my youngest would say too

 

[jfoofj]

I think you did the right thing.
I see you are in New England somewhere, I saw on the Boston news a middle school child was removed from a school, I think in Milton for talking about having a gun.
scary stuff.

Yes, I am in MA, but not in Milton... I haven't heard that story on the news yet. It is scary. I hate it that we have to talk to the kids about this stuff, but the reality is that an unhinged person can have a gun anytime, anywhere, and at 8 and 9 I feel our boys are old enough to talk to about this and what to do in a situation like that. Hopefully it is something that never happens.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I think you did the right thing. In every single school shooting that happened in the 90's, those kids told their friends in advance, and every time the thought was that the kids were joking. I remember seeing interviews with some of those kids who felt very guilty for not coming forward. REalistically, kids say these things every day and very few actually act on it. But you can't be too careful anymore and that is why many schools have instituted zero tolerance policies.