I need a little perspective.....

[dodukes]

I need a little perspective on this and who better than the people here on the DIS. I know I have read some posts on here about situations like this so I’m sure it will be helpful to get another understanding.

With that being said Ill give a quick preview for those who don’t want to read this long rant!

So here goes: I was raised by a single mom. My parents divorced before I was one and I don’t have any memories of my father. We moved when I was in elementary school and have only ever known my mom’s side of the family (which is not very big, sister, grandparents and that’s it) Basically, I’m 29 and just met my father this year for the first time. I learned I have a half brother too.

Ok so in March I get a message on my Facebook from a girl. I recognized the name because this same person had tried to friend me a couple of times and I didn’t accept because well I don’t know who she is and I don’t accept requests from people I don’t know. So by the end of the week I had this message telling me who she was and that she had been trying to friend me so we can talk and she wanted to confirm a bunch of things. Well turns out this is one of my cousins (her dad is actually my cousin) from my dad’s side of the family and that my dad was in town now and my name had come up and after lots of searches (including paid ones) based on an email from the search they tried facebook (because EVERYONE’S one there…lol) and they found me.

Naturally this was a shock at first but honestly no big deal because growing up I never gave this a serious thought, it never bothered me that my father wasn’t in the picture and my mom never really talked about it or bad mouthed him or anything so this was a non-issue. But I was intrigued enough (and they sounded kool enough (haha) and went to meet everybody while he was there.

Anyway, turns out he seems real nice. Apparently from what I’ve been told my name has come up a lot through the years and everyone always wondered where I was. So we talked on the phone before I went and then we had a couple of days to hang out.
The family, my cousins, always go on vacation to Europe (where my father retired) and they were like “you should come this year, it will be fun”. My father offered to pay for my ticket and expenses so I can go see the house and the town and what not, so for a month this summer, I took off.

I need a little perspective from my mom’s pov. I know my mom is not thrilled about this (I can just tell). When this all occurred she asked my what my father had said and a bunch of other stuff. Then she couldn’t believe I was going to meet everyone and told me not to believe what everyone else says. Granted no one ever mentioned her on my trip except to ask how she was doing and that it had been so long since they saw her and what good friends the girl’s mom was with my mom.

Naturally she asked a bunch of questions. So when I returned from my trip abroad, same thing and now every time I talked to her, she has to ask if I’ve talk to my father. It’s getting annoying.

After having dinner last night with her, she proceeds to tell me that after I came back she called my dad to talk to him about me basically and that everything he said was negative. That I didn’t know how to eat, I didn’t know how to drive and to be honest I forgot a few other things she said he said (I try to drown her out when she gets on this topic). So she said he hasn’t changed. She also mentioned if he talked to me about a will and to not expect anything from him and that I should only count on what she’s gonna leave me. She said if his will is not done right you could end up with nothing and your brother will keep it all. The funny thing is that I really don’t care. While it would be nice to have a house abroad and whatever he leaves, I don’t feel entitled to it nor do I care nor would I keep talking to him if I didn’t feel like I wanted to keep him in my life only so he can leave me something. Maybe I should feel more entitled..lol.

I figured I’m 29. While I haven’t been through everything in my life, I’m not a child. I’m not sure if my mom is worried for me, for her? Anyway without making this longer, I am really not sure how to handle her anymore. I don’t know much about their history (and at this point I don’t even want to ask cuz she will think he said something and that’s why I’m asking) I do know that she just recently told me that we moved because he had threatened to take me back abroad when I was little. So while that may be true, I don’t know and I didn’t pursue the subject when it came up.

My friends all tell me” it has to be hard on her, and all these years she’s raised you maybe she’s second guessing herself. And that imagine, if she moved to get away imagine what she is thinking now that they are back in your life.” But honestly, does everything out of her mouth have to be a negative? And really did she have to tell me he had nothing but negatives to say? He didn't seem that bothered when I was there. And I was thinking about this yesterday and it doesn’t really bother me what HE says because really he’s unimportant in my scheme of things for those things, but it bothers me that SHE has to bring it up that he said those things.

So my question or concern or whatever is has anybody had this happened from a MOM’s side that can enlighten me as to how to deal with this. What is she thinking? What does she want to hear? I’m at a loss and I really don’t like talking to her too much anyway lol, so now that this comes up all the time I just don’t want to at all. Any thoughts? I know there was a poster on here a while back that had a kid come into the husband’s life, while not the same, I’d like some opinions.

 

[aaarcher86]

It sounds like a tough situation.

To be totally honest, when I was reading the whole thing I couoldn't help but think 'it sounds like she's worried his family will out her about something.' I don't know why.

I have an EX Aunt who constantly tells her kids not to believe their father about anything and how horrible we all are, yadda yadda yadda. She's only saying that because she knows that someday when the kids are old enough their father will tell them the real reason they split.. her affair.

This story honestly reminded me of that. And I hate saying that, because she is your mother and obviously you've been with her your whole life. The whole, calling your dad and telling you negative things seemed very... 'attempting to drive a wedge again' to me.

I would suggest just asking your mom not to talk about your father and keeping it separate as hard as that may be.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I would bet money she didn't call your dad. If they hadn't spoken in years that would be quite the awkward phone call.

Your mom is jealous and I imagine threatened by this new relationship with your father. For the longest time it was just you and your mom. I don't know, nor do I need to know the details of your life, but I imagine it wasn't always easy.

Now your father comes along and pays for a month in Europe for you. You are developing a relationship with someone that your mother saw as a threat. For her, things aren't just going to be great right away.

Does she have a right to be in your relationship with your father? No not really because you are an adult and can make your own decisions but I do understand how it could hurt her.

I was an only child with my single mom so I do understand how it could be upsetting to her.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I agree with the other two posters. It seems kind of fishy. Beyond that, if I were in her situation, I would not tell my child the negative things her father said - I wouldn't want to hurt her.

 

[kimblebee]

I am a single mom so maybe I can give a different perspective. I think she is scared that she will lose you to your dad. He didn't care enough to see you when you were younger, so why is he making all this effort now? I think she is a bit suspicious, and I think she has every right to be.

Moms are very protective so I'm sure she doesn't want to see you get hurt. He may lose interest again and stop answering your calls or have to cancel plans with you at the last minute.

I know she is probably driving you nuts, as I'm sure I drive my daughter nuts too and she's only 9 LOL Just remember, she is looking out for you first and foremost. Give her an extra hug every once in a while to let her know she is still your #1 and maybe she will settle down a little bit. It is very unnerving when an AWOL dad comes back into the picture.

 

[dodukes]

It sounds like a tough situation.

To be totally honest, when I was reading the whole thing I couoldn't help but think 'it sounds like she's worried his family will out her about something.' I don't know why.

I have an EX Aunt who constantly tells her kids not to believe their father about anything and how horrible we all are, yadda yadda yadda. She's only saying that because she knows that someday when the kids are old enough their father will tell them the real reason they split.. her affair.

This story honestly reminded me of that. And I hate saying that, because she is your mother and obviously you've been with her your whole life. The whole, calling your dad and telling you negative things seemed very... 'attempting to drive a wedge again' to me.

I would suggest just asking your mom not to talk about your father and keeping it separate as hard as that may be.

That's the thing, that's what I get too but nobody has said anything so I'm not sure that there is anything to be said. But who knows. I was leaning towards this the next time she brought it up just telling her that I don't want her asking me anything else about it.

I would bet money she didn't call your dad. If they hadn't spoken in years that would be quite the awkward phone call.

Your mom is jealous and I imagine threatened by this new relationship with your father. For the longest time it was just you and your mom. I don't know, nor do I need to know the details of your life, but I imagine it wasn't always easy.

Now your father comes along and pays for a month in Europe for you. You are developing a relationship with someone that your mother saw as a threat. For her, things aren't just going to be great right away.

Does she have a right to be in your relationship with your father? No not really because you are an adult and can make your own decisions but I do understand how it could hurt her.

I was an only child with my single mom so I do understand how it could be upsetting to her.

You know I want to say I'm pretty sure she called but I hadnt thought of the possibility that she is lying about it...lol. I definetely think she feels threatened but then why keep asking about it. Needless to say I haven't told her both times he's given me extra money...I just told her yeah he paid for my flight like he said.

I agree with the other two posters. It seems kind of fishy. Beyond that, if I were in her situation, I would not tell my child the negative things her father said - I wouldn't want to hurt her.

That's just it. I don't get why she would tell me. And on another point the thing is that i'm really not hurt by his comments at all. I am who I am and I don't feel the need to change that for anybody so the fact that he thinks I cant eat and cant drive are irrelevant to me. I am just annoyed that she has to constantly bring up a negative or something to do with inheriting something. It drives me NUTS!

 

[brittsmum1998]

I agree, she's afraid she will be "outed" about something.

 

[kaytieeldr]

The above posters are most likely right, but it's possible she just wants to be reassured that nothing's going to change - that you still love her, that you realize she raised you alone, that you're not going to suddenly 'change' families by becoming actively involved with your father's family.

 

[wvjules]

This is probably going to be unpopular but here goes....

Have you thought about asking your dad about what happened between him and your mom? At this point it seems like he might be the most forthcoming with the truth. Of course he will make himself look better than he might have been but I think its worth talking about with him. Don't tell him what your mom has said. It is between you and him.

As for your mom. I think she might be hiding somethign she doesn't want you to know and/or she's afraid of losingyou and/or she's jealous of your new relationship with your father and/or she wants to protect you from him hurting you. Lots of possibilities.

I would put up boundaries though. Tell her that you wish not to discuss your father and your relationship with him for now.

 

[design_mom]

I agree with the others that it sounds like your mom is handling this *all* wrong...but I can probably imagine where she's coming from.

Part of it is probably that she worked really hard while you were growing up and did most of the "hard part." Now that you're grown, (in her mind) your dad has waltzed back into your life, wining and dining you in Europe. And she's looking at what she's been able to provide and thinking "He's one-upping me. I can't compete with this!" She's feeling threatened. I would also imagine that she cares for you and is worried that you'll get hurt, especially if there were honesty issues or broken promises in her past relationship with him.

I would imagine that being negative is her (albeit misguided) attempt to make sure you're aware that "all that glitters isn't gold," so to speak. You absolutely do have a right to get to know your father, and any other adult that you (as an adult yourself) wish to associate with. Some of the things she says might have value (since she does have previous history), but you'll have to decide for yourself which things those are.

You asked what she wants to hear. I would imagine it's: "I love you, Mom. Even though I'm getting to know Dad now, it's not a competition. I'll always need you because I love you and you're my Mom."

 

[pyrxtc]

I know you said from the "mom's" side but I've never been there. I can tell you from the Dad's side, You need to just stop to your mother about your dad and things that go on there. If she brings him up, then tell her you are not talking about it and either walk away or hang up if she insists.

I have a cousin who doesn't know this side because her mom is mad at some of my relatives. We haven't seen her since she was 7 and each time that I've found her online, she has disappeared from the site. I do know that she is married, recently, and appr. where she lives and who her husband is. her grandmother still sends x-mas cards with no specific information. Her father is dead and we have stuff for her. She was friends with me on MySpace but as soon as her mom friended me and realized who I was, they both disappeared. She has recently resurfaced on there but I am afraid to "friend" her because she might disappear again and at least now, we can keep up with her. her Dad is not even buried yet cuz we are waiting for her. It has been 13 yrs. Her Dad had full custody til he died and then we never saw her again, not even at the wake.

 

[diznygirl]

Your mom could be making up the stuff your dad said. Maybe she did talk to him, maybe she didn't. But she sure doesn't want you to like him.

I would reassure her that you aren't going to run off to live with him, and ask her to stop bringing it up.

 

[aaarcher86]

That's the thing, that's what I get too but nobody has said anything so I'm not sure that there is anything to be said. But who knows. I was leaning towards this the next time she brought it up just telling her that I don't want her asking me anything else about it.

I'm not surprised they didn't honestly. If they haven't seen you most of your life the first thing they do when they finally get to be with your for an extended period of time is bash your mother.

There may be nothing to tell. They may not know you don't know. Everyone may be brushing it under the rug because it no longer matters. Who knows.

I agree with a few of the others - just tell your mom you love her, you aren't going to leave her for your dad, but you'd prefer to stop talking about him with her.

 

[dodukes]

Wow you guys have all provided good points.

Kimblebee: I think you have nailed my mom pretty good..lol.. At least that's what I think.

I have been thinking from the getgo about what could be that she doesn't want me to know but I would think if it was that big a deal she would just tell me. But then again i dont know, my mom doesn some weird things..hahaha.

wvjules: I thought about this but like everyone says, there's three sides and frankly I think whats in the past is in the past why bring it up again. We are two adults and I think I can choose to or not to get to know him without knowing the past but maybe it might be better to ask who knows. I think there's one person who would be the most honest and that's her best friend while they were together (the girl from facebooks mom) she seems pretty straight forward and she did offer some things when I visited. Altho she did ask me first if I wanted to know. But it wasn't anything revealing so maybe I should question her some more. I'm just afraid taht she will tell me mom and then my mom is gonna go in an uproar because I asked the friend and not her. Can't win lol

design mom: I think the "wining and dining" is also a problem, you just brought to mind a comment she'd made about him trying to buy me. So yeah I guess this could be a problem. lol

You guys are great offering some views (and also letting me get this of my chest!!!!)

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Maybe she knows your father better than you think and he is as she described.

Quick questions - where was your father your entire life? Were you in hiding? Could he have found you? Was child support paid?

 

[Hannathy]

Sorry but if she did call after all these years and her basically running away with you to keep him out of your life, do you REALLY think the conversation would have went on long enough to talk about how you acted? Do you really think he would have opened up and complained to the person who kept him away from you how terrible you are? Nope didn't happen.

She is afraid. Afraid of either something she did or of losing you if you find out SHE kept you away from him.
What if he has been trying to contact you all these years and she threw the letters away? What if he really did send money and she never told you? Who knows which but she is very afraid of something.

You are an adult it depends on you How much do you want to get to know your Dad. You know what she did is wrong he did have a right to know you. I would want to know the whole story and then go from there. but in the meantime I would just tell her you love her but it is up to you not her whether you spend time with your father and unless she can be neutral you don't want to hear anything.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I don't have any advice but i think you are being really level headed about this whole thing. Good for you and congratulations on your whole new family

 

[bumbershoot]

it doesn’t really bother me what HE says because really he’s unimportant in my scheme of things for those things, but it bothers me that SHE has to bring it up that he said those things.

She'd probably love to hear exactly that.


I know it's got to be hard for her, but she still needs to be graceful about it so she doesn't actually push you away. My poor mom had to deal with me being a major daddy's girl, blaming her for him being gone, from the age of 4...but she was never mean about anything. She was graceful and kind, and didn't badmouth him...eventually his actions spoke far louder about him than she ever could have done... But on the other hand, he's my dad, and I did have the right to know him and, more importantly, his far-flung and very decent family (they all sided with my mom and helped her out a great deal), and it would have been negative for her to keep me from that.


Anyway, it's got to be hard on her, so just reassure her. And also tell her that she isn't talked about at all! She might be glad to know that.

 

[DMass]

Quick questions - where was your father your entire life? Were you in hiding? Could he have found you? Was child support paid?

Excellent questions. This is what I was wondering after reading this thread also.

 

[dodukes]

Maybe she knows your father better than you think and he is as she described.

Quick questions - where was your father your entire life? Were you in hiding? Could he have found you? Was child support paid?

I'm sure she knows my father better than me, she spent a while with him, at leasst five years. The thing is that i may or may not get hurt with him but even tho i've "wined and dined" for a month I don't feel "close" to him or any ties (i'm actually not sure how to put it without sounding mean) but if he never called again, it wouldnt really matter.
The good thing about my trip and one of the reason's I went was because well a. it was paid for b. my family (moms sister) lives about an hour away from where he lives and I was able to visit them too, something I couldnt do any time now becuase I just couldnt have afforded it. (well i guess i could have just charged the plane ticket) but you know what I mean and I knew that if something wasnt right or i didnt feel comfortable at my fathers, I would have gone there for the remainder of my trip.

anyway to yoru questions:
1. I don't know cuz from the time I was 4 (i was told) was the last time I saw him ( I have no recollection) and then not again until this year. So where he was I didnt know but I figured was in the state we were from or back in europe.
2. No i don't think we were in hiding..lol. I mean we didnt change our names and my mom had full custody so I'm sure she could have changed it i guess she just stopped talking to anybody up there and didnt tell my father where we were going. But i don't think in hiding would be the word, she just cut communications. She says one of the reasons we moved was cuz he threatened to take me abroad to live with him. This could have been said in jest or not I dont know I never inquired. But I did know growing up that she "took" me and didnt tell him where we were going. And I quote took becuase she had full custody.
3. could he have found me? Im sure if he really tried. I mean my mom works so all he had to do was do some sort of check with social security no? Isnt that how they find deadbeat dads so im sure it must work the other way around?
4. I think child support was paid the first couple of years, My mom remarried and we moved out of the country for about a year and then moved back but he stopped paying somewhere in there. (Should I feel more entitled to that house now..HAHAHAHHA)