I hate to do this- but I can't talk to anyone in "the real world"

[sry2hyd]

Another long time member.... I can't talk to anyone who knows us so I've gone underground here.

Another post about marriage problems.... We have been married almost 25 years. We have 3 kids, one still at home who has some special needs. My husband is so mean I really don't think I can take it anymore. He's not abusive... he's just nasty. Little things....... he makes into HUGE things. I have no doubt he is a functioning alcoholic. I really think I want a divorce- BUT with the economy like it is my child and I can NOT afford to live alone. I have some health issues too and losing health insurance could also be disastrous.

I feel trapped. Truthfully, I think he does too. I really don't think he "likes" me anymore let alone love me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Another long time member.... I can't talk to anyone who knows us so I've gone underground here.

Another post about marriage problems.... We have been married almost 25 years. We have 3 kids, one still at home who has some special needs. My husband is so mean I really don't think I can take it anymore. He's not abusive... he's just nasty. Little things....... he makes into HUGE things. I have no doubt he is a functioning alcoholic. I really think I want a divorce- BUT with the economy like it is my child and I can NOT afford to live alone. I have some health issues too and losing health insurance could also be disastrous.

I feel trapped. Truthfully, I think he does too. I really don't think he "likes" me anymore let alone love me.

I would say to you if that is the case then work toward becoming independent. When you have set yourself up to leave then you leave.

Also can you get some personal counseling? That might be helpful with putting a plan in motion for you.

 

[MushyMushy]

I would say to you if that is the case then work toward becoming independent. When you have set yourself up to leave then you leave.

Also can you get some personal counseling? That might be helpful with putting a plan in motion for you.

I agree with this and the benefits can go either way -- you could set yourself up to be in a position to leave and take care of yourself, or it could actually make enough improvements in your marriage to fix things (although thinking about it, being with an alcoholic is different).

 

[wilma-bride]

I can only echo what others have said. I have been in an unhappy marriage and I honestly think that, had he not made the move to end it, I would STILL be stuck because I was never brave enough to end it.

I really cannot offer any advice to you except to say that I hope, for your and your child's sake, your DH does not get violent and I hope that you are able to make the move towards independence for both your sakes.

Good luck

 

[dislaney]

Is there any chance he would get help for the alcohol problem? If not then the others are right and you will have to get help for yourself and try and become better in a position to leave or be able to put up with him. I'm sorry your going through this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with this and the benefits can go either way -- you could set yourself up to be in a position to leave and take care of yourself, or it could actually make enough improvements in your marriage to fix things (although thinking about it, being with an alcoholic is different).

OP, could start going to AL-Anon meetings as well. They are very helpful for venting and sharing with people in the same situation.

In short OP, you have to step out of your comfort zone and start doing things for yourself to get yourself prepared.

 

[Christine]

I agree that this one of those "rock and a hard place" situations. It is stories like these that cement in my mind that I never can or will become dependent on anyone. It's a shame to go through life like that but too much stuff happpens.

You don't say if you are working now but your true only way out is to get a job and work toward becoming independent. Even if you left your marriage jobless and got alimony, the courts would insist that you pursue employment. I know a man who is going through this now. His wife was a SAHM. He has been paying her a lot of support but, alternatively, the court has pushed her to get into the workplace (she has).

Second, the health insurance issue. I'm not going to get on a political soapbox at all but it is truly a shame that much of the decisions we make in our lives hinge on where our health care insurance is coming from. It shouldn't be tied to an employer for the very reason you state. A person like you who has stayed in the home mainly to raise children AND has a special needs child shouldn't be held to a marriage because of health insurance needs.

I would investigate what your state might offer you at your income level if you would divorced. You might be surprised that you may be able to get some type of state health insurance depending upon where you live.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

OP - I just wanted to add that during my Dsis's divorce she had it written in that her ex needs to provide health insurance for their DD through college years. If your DS is disabled you may be able to have health insurance provided for him or both of you as part of the settlement. Good luck with everything.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I have no advice just wanted to give you a .

 

[Jennasis]

Just because YOU divorce him does not mean your child divorce's him. Your son will still be covered by his father's health plan.

You might have to see about getting Medicaid or other government assistance for your own health insurance in the interim while you are looking for a job for yourself.

Be brave. It can be done.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Abusive is not limited to name calling or physical harm. Being mean by what little description you are providing can be considered abusive.

I agree with others, do what you can to prepare, utilize community resources (counseling, al-anon, etc) so that you can learn some tools to deal with now and then also learn some tools to help you prepare to exit the marriage.

There is nothing worse than being trapped in a situation b/c you feel you have no other options and will be up the creek so to speek if you do try to make a change.

In the meantime, I would also consider--but only if you WANT to, not HAVE to--what can be done to save the marriage. Is it possible to get help for his likely alcoholism or is it a totally lost cause? There are alcoholics that do recover and repair their lives. But that could only happen if he admitted it and wanted to do something about it. Sadly, there are many who would rather live with the bottle and all the bad that comes with it.

Be brave, be strong---begin research. This won't be something you can walk away from this afternoon. But there is no reason why any spouse and child(ren) should be forced to live in a volatile and unhealthy situation.