I would think the first rep you described would be the standard. Otherwise my player and my money would be going elsewhere. If there is a ref out there that not only won't explain a call, but penalizes a player or coach for asking for clarification, why is it being tolerated?
Note that I'm not advocating arguing and certainly not advocating throwing a tantrum with the ref. And I think everything should be handled with the player and/or coach--no parents in the discussion. But if a player or coach calmly asks "Could you please clarify call X? This is what we believe happened..." and the ref does anything but offer a polite and clear explanation, that's a no-go for me.