I dont know how to pretend to be happy

[peanut1967]

some of you will remember this:
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1795299&page=1&highlight=

and thankyou for all your wonderful support.

Well now hes bought the ring and they are setting a date for next year....I dont know how to pretend to be happy. I am so very sad. You have children and have hopes and dreams and you know that they will go there own way hopefully the right way but this is just so sad.

I can already see the problems, they are getting married next year and will probally look for some help with wedding cost, We are going to Disney next year which we knew we were going to do since we came back in 2005, I cant afford both.....am I being selfish?

I am just so sad.

 

[AJKMOM]

If it were me, I would sit down with him, alone, and tell him that I feel getting married at such an early age is a mistake. (don't mention that his fiancee is mentally ill, because she is). I would tell him because it is a mistake, that I will not help him financially.

don't mention the Disney part, because then he will think you love Disneyworld more than him.

 

[livndisney]

some of you will remember this:
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1795299&page=1&highlight=

and thankyou for all your wonderful support.

Well now hes bought the ring and they are setting a date for next year....I dont know how to pretend to be happy. I am so very sad. You have children and have hopes and dreams and you know that they will go there own way hopefully the right way but this is just so sad.

I can already see the problems, they are getting married next year and will probally look for some help with wedding cost, We are going to Disney next year which we knew we were going to do since we came back in 2005, I cant afford both.....am I being selfish?

I am just so sad.

I don't know why you would pretend to be happy. You are not happy, nor would I be in your place. I would sit down and talk to your son. I may be the only one who thinks this, but why should you help pay for the wedding? You feel your child is making a mistake, why help him make it? (I am all for letting children make mistakes, but this is a mistake that could ruin lives).

My .02

to you for being in this spot.

 

[purvislets]

I don't think you have to pretend to be happy, but you've got to be careful that you don't alienate him completely. Let your son know that you don't agree with his decision, but that you are also going to be there for him. Just because she's a total nut job doesn't mean that your son doesn't honestly want to be happy and deserve the very best.

As far as the wedding, it's tradition for the bride's parents to pay for most of the wedding costs, not the grooms. If they are unable to pay, tell your son that you also will not be able to pay and if he seriously wants to get married they'll have to come up with the money themselves. Don't even mention Disney.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

First off I can only imagine how upset you must be.
I can't say I have any great advice but if they are old enough to get married then they are old enough to work and pay for it themselves. It is not your responsibility to pay for anything. If you want to give a gift then go ahead but you are not under any obligation to finance the event. I would sit my son down and ask him some questions. Like what are his plans once he marries? Where will he work? Where will they live? Does he have any goals? Maybe you can buy some time for him at the very least. What does the girl's parents say? Good luck. I hope it all works out.

 

[ajh88]

First off I can only imagine how upset you must be.
I can't say I have any great advice but if they are old enough to get married then they are old enough to work and pay for it themselves. It is not your responsibility to pay for anything. If you want to give a gift then go ahead but you are not under any obligation to finance the event. I would sit my son down and ask him some questions. Like what are his plans once he marries? Where will he work? Where will they live? Does he have any goals? Maybe you can buy some time for him at the very least. What does the girl's parents say? Good luck. I hope it all works out.

I think this is some great advice. I would tell him that you really only want him to be happy - and that you will be there to support him emotionally, but that you will not finance this endeavor of his. I wonder if he perhaps feels rushed to get married since he believes the girl when she says she only has 18 months to live?

Perhaps during your conversation, you could suggest that he go to her next oncologist appointment with her to learn more about her condition and how he can help her once they are married.

I wouldn't pretend to be happy, but I'd try not to come off as TOO dead set against it to your son - he knows you don't like her and he may dismiss anything you say as being related to that fact.

 

[Tricia819]

What a difficult position to be in. I guess I need to start praying now for my childrens' spouses.

I'm sure your son is aware how you feel about this girl he wants to marry, so it would take a great deal of gall to ask you for assistance in paying for the wedding.

If he does, I know the situation is delicate, but could you perhaps suggest a pre-nup in exchange for your help.

Maybe tell him you love him and don't want to push him away, but tell him you have to speak your mind and after which you'll not say another word to him about her. Lay it all out, your doubts about the girls history and evidence why you don't believe her.

Legally he is an adult and he should be expected to act like one. It may be a case where you just have to let him live with his mistakes.

 

[rt2dz]

Well, there is a huge gap between the previous thread and this thread. I’m curious to how you/your son got to this point. It seemed as though his eyes had been opened, at least partially. Seeds of doubt planted at least…?

As far as the wedding goes… I’d try and encourage your son to finish college, and the girl too. Why the rush? If it’s meant to be, then it will be meant to be in 2-3 more years. I’d also push for premarital counseling—many churches require it. I’d try and sell it as having their best interest at heart, which is true. Especially if there is “medical issues” at hand.

If you do not agree with this wedding, I wouldn’t help pay for it no matter what. Besides, as a pp stated, usually the bride’s family pays for the wedding, or the couple themselves. However, you can use the financial help as a carrot to get what you want (counseling and time). I wouldn’t mention Disney at all.

No matter what goes on, tread lightly. You do not want to alienate your son in any way. It could rush him to the marriage, or keep you from him (or your grandkids). Be there for him, be on his side (which you are, but in a way he feels you are aligned with him).

Good luck!

 

[SleepyatDVC]

You need to talk to your son, the girl, and her parents - at the same time.

You need to let your son know that with her serious "medical" condition, medical insurance will be extremely important and will be a matter of her "life and death."

I have a feeling that she will not want a meeting with her family to happen. Tell him to accept NO excuses on her part - he may be "signing her death warrant" otherwise.

If they get married, she may lose any medical coverage through her parents. They will need their own which may be too expensive since it is a pre-existing condition. He is probably still covered under you and will lose that once he gets married. Yada, yada...

So, both families need to sit down to figure out this whole medical thing before they get married to make sure that the girl will have the proper medical care and coverage once they tie the knot.

The marriage will not receive ANY blessing or financial support until a meeting happens with both families to discuss how to address any future medical treatments and coverage. This is the adult thing to do and if they are not adult enough to address this, then they are not adult enough to get married.

 

[wall*e2008]

Just remember whatever you do with your 19 year old you will have to do the same for the 17 and 14 year olds.

I would tell him that we would be able to help him with the wedding but he must be X years old, have a college degree or whatever other requirement you have.

 

[disneygal2007]

As a Ex wedding planner (crazy brides) The only thing the grooms parents really pays for now of days is the rehearsal dinner and maybe the reception and the liquor. So if yo have the reception in a small place it shouldn't be that bad. And since they are such a young age no liquor. You can cook the food yourself, saves on so much. That's just my advise as a ex planner.

I hope everything works out. Not to sound sneaky but talk to the parents. Bring it up. Invite them over to dinner with the whole family and say something like. So do you think the cancer will ever come back. Or will the cancer be controllable if you get pregnant. I know that isn't nice at all but I have a older brother and I know how sneaky woman and girls can be.

My mom had lung cancer and you just don't treat it. Thank god mom is still here.

 

[Willow25]

I agree with other posters about meeting with the parents and bringing up cancer with them. You are going to be a big part of each others lives and it is important to get to know them.

Also my husband and I paid for our wedding ourselves. I don't think it is unreasonable for you to ask him to pay.

 

[barkley]

curious-is the girl's medical insurance under her parents? does either have a job that provides insurance for the girl's known condition and the claimed terminal condition? (lots of employer health plans won't cover a spouse that has a pre-existing). seems like that might be a good discussion to have with your ds-he might not be thinking about how if the girl is covered under her parent's policy it will likely terminate when she marries (and the same for his coverage if he's under yours).

he's just 19-does he work at a job that can support both of them (if she's only working part-time and supposedly terminal any earnings she has should'nt even be a consideration in a budget)? i'm guessing both still live at home-are they assuming that they'll move in with you or the other parents? do they already have the funds together-or will they resonably have them in place to fund their own place (and furnish it, insure it-insure their autos if you/her parents pay for this currently, come up with the security deposit, utility deposits....) when the marriage is presumed to occur? even if i was supportive of one of my children marrying if i had any concerns that these issues were not addressed i'de not be providing any financial help for a wedding.

you are under no financial obligation to provide any financial assistance for the wedding, even if 'tradition' dictates that the groom's family provide for certain items-it is a tradition not an obligation. your ds sounds as though he wants to make adult decisions, let him know that adult decisions carry adult responsibilites-including in many circumstances financing one's own wedding (dh and i did this as did the majority of our friends-that's why we waited until we were settled into decent paying jobs, had all the other financial aspects covered/saved for-and then started slamming away $$$ to pay for our wedding).


out of curiosity-how is she justifying waiting until next year to marry? if she is still claiming to be terminal with only 18 months to live as of last april then would'nt time be of the essence? i only bring this up because i grew up with a girl who began dating a young man in highschool-they fell deeply in love and planned to marry 'some day'. when he was just shy of 18 he was diagnosed with a terminal illness and only given 18 months to live. both parents were extreemly understanding of their desire to marry and share the time that remained-but that wedding was done as quickly as possible, a diagnosis of '18 months to live' in a truly terminal case is generaly the outside amount of time in a best case scenario. seems to me that if she has found the time to have a engagement period that would permit for planning a '09 wedding then she's not concerned that there's any issues with her health that could negativly impact those plans.

 

[letthewookiewin]

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this.
I agree with the other posters that say to meet with the parents, your son, and his girlfriend at the same time. You can bring them together saying that you want to talk about the wedding plans. Then you can bring up your concerns about her health and how they plan to have insurance to make sure she is covered and can receive the medical attention she needs. I was just wondering, does she have her own insurance coverage or it is through her parents. If it's through her parents they should get bills (invoices at least) from the insurance on what they did or did not pay to cancer related doctors.

You have every right to not be happy about this wedding, and if I were you I would not hide your feelings from your son. Just let him know that you still love him very much, you are just not happy with his choices right now. I know from experience, that if you are not happy about a situation like this, you should say something. When we met my brother's wife we all thought there was something off. It was a lot of little things that put together, I just did not think she was right for my brother (nor did anyone else in the family). I was told she was bi-polar and manic depressive. ok fine a lot of people deal with those issues and are fine on medication. However, with both of those illnesses, she never wanted to have children. In fact she acted very uncomfortable when even being in the same room with my DS's (even at their best behavior). You could tell she just wanted them to go away. Anytime we were together as a family, she had to get away b/c she didn't like crowds (we're talking less than 15 people max). If she wasn't doing that, she insisted that my brother lay down with her and take a nap, and then as soon as they woke they would leave. She was from a wealthy family that went to Europe at least once a year and ate at very expensive restaurants every night. However she had no manners at all. You had to practically guard your plate when she was around b/c she would literally take her fork and remove somethig from your plate if it looked like something she would like. Then when my dad's dad passes away she showed up to the viewing with silver stuff painted on her forehead. Of course the funeral home was too crowded for her, so they left for a walk. Everyone asked us about it, but we didn't know what it was for b/c we were too afraid to ask. My brother had to ask her permission to do anything, and the answer was usually "no". She seemed to enjoy belittling him and yelling at him in front of us. He didn't even seem like my brother anymore. However, we just thought "well if she makes him happy". Well a couple of years later, and they are going through a divorce. So, after that long rant you need to talk to him before he's in the position that my brother is in, or worse kids are invovled. Everyone in my family wishes we would have.

 

[peanut1967]

Thankyou for the kind words.

Firstly regarding health insurance, we live in the UK so we have the NHS, so no health insurance needed.

They are actually going on holiday this weekend for 2 weeks and I am thinking of talking to her mother again. She doesnt come round to our house because she knows I questioned her mother about the 'cancer'. But she still as my ds believing she as cancer. Some of the things she as told my ds I dont know are true, she as told him her dad is in prison, well we found out this is true.....but she has told my ds that is was for selling drugs while he was a prison warden, who knows if this is true. She apparently had 2 brothers who killed themselves with drugs overdose, who knows if this is true. They are going to Greece and ds will find out for himself is this girls, as she says, speaks fluent Greek. I am out of my head with worry. My Mum used to give ds a lot, she spoilt him, but even she has given up giving him anything, we both feel that this is going to blow up in his face and he is then going to need our help.

I cant express how worried I am, we are a family that dont even smoke let alone dabble in drugs. I have asked ds out right is he messing with drugs he says no, but with him being with a pathalogical liar you never know. Hes a good lad, just got his level 3 in joinery but he is throwing his life away with this person.

thanks for listening

 

[moredisneyplease]

all I can say it good luck and we're all here to listen.

And yes, please do try to talk to her mother while they are away on holiday.

 

[LadyShea]

I would speak to her mother if possible. You have a good reason to get to know her, seeing as how you will be in-laws. With dad in prison and maybe drug related deaths in her family, I am willing to bet she has a history of acting out and problematic relationships. She really needs to be getting professional help and therapy.

 

[Ducky4Disney]

Couldn't agree more with everyone out there.

You don't have to be happy about this or pretend to be happy about this. You also don't have to pay for any of it. Calling her Mom while they are away might be a good idea - sounds like he's all ready prorposed, does her Mom know? Call her up and ask her what her opinion of all this is, if she has any inclination to help them financially, and again inquire about her medical status.

My Aunt was a prescription pain killer addict - died of an accidental OD a couple years ago. When I got married (just before) she had a good friend of hers (whom she lived with and was supporting her) believing she had a brain tumor, couldn't be treated, going to die... totally false. So I know what it's like when someone tells you something outrageous and you know it isn't true (try it with a family member!).

Now that I think about it, my brother was daitng a chick like this. Not sick - but a supposed "millionaire" - all she talked about was all the money she had, and how she never tells people because they expect money from her (but it's the first thing she told me), and she offered to take us to an $$$ breakfast the next morning - never heard from her - told my cousin (who was getting married) that she put a large check in thier card... was it $1000? But the wedding card was empty! She was living with my brother in a little one bedroom appt no bigger than my 2 car garage - but she had millions . Brother totally bought it. Then she claimed that her ex-husband (the hotel millionaire) attacked her and tried to kill her. Had slash marks on her arms and such. Brother calls police, they come over and deduce that her injuries are self-inflicted. She fesses up, ok the ex didn't do it I did, needed attention, scared you were going to leave me.... yeah, he left her. But I still think he is under the impression that she was rich?

In a nutshell - you're not alone, and it's a tough spot to be in.

He's an adult, old enough to make his own decisions - which comes with the responsibility to handle the consequences of those decisions. Do what you can to talk to him about what it going on, but don't feel like this is your fault or that you have to bail him out of this. Some people learn things the hard way - be there for him when he does.

D4D

 

[cigarboo]

This sounds just awful. It's so hard to be a parent and watch your kids make mistakes. And the older they get, the bigger the consequences. The only thing I can add, as pp's have had great suggestions, is that next year is still *some* time away and with these young folks, maybe the infatuation will be over by then. If they set a date for at least the 2nd half of 2009, there's still plenty of time for things to fall apart by themselves. If the "kids" feel you're trying to break them up, they may feel more desparate to stay together and more urgency to get married(on the girls part). I think it's very important to keep civil with the GF and at least seem open to the idea. The last thing you want to do is look like you're trying to control what they do. It wouldn't surprise me if GF gets pregnant on purpose. She seems like the type that would do that. Unfortunately, I have to say it's really out of your hands. Sad part about parenting... I feel for you though. My DS's are only 8 & 5 and I don't look forward to the dating thing. Hang in there.

 

[JackJack08]

You have gotten some great advice here. All I can add is...they probably won't be together too long. Your DS, will begin to see through her, once HE catches her in more and more lies. So don't lose him. Keep him close and support him. That way when he does "figure her out" he can come to you. Good luck.....