I don't get my friend... should SHE or HE concede... marriage? *Another UPDATE*

[The Mystery Machine]

He's close to saving millions but can't 10 grand on a wedding?

I know.

He is either full of it or he does not want to marry her or both.

This is one of those things were you have to use some common sense. Actions speak louder than words.

 

[MrsPete]

I think the brides family is not too happy about her marrying a non asian and is not wanting the big wedding but the girl still wants it and wants he DFI to foot the bill.

Yeah, it could be something along these lines. That's what I meant when I said it sounds like there's something else, something not visible to us, that's preventing them from taking the next step.

 

[MrsPete]

I know.

He is either full of it or he does not want to marry her or both.

This is one of those things were you have to use some common sense. Actions speak louder than words.

Makes sense to me. If you love someone enough to marry them, why in the world wouldn't you be willing to spend $10,000 on something that meant the world to him or her? I don't have the impression that she's asking for $10,000 things on a regular basis -- just that THIS THING means everything to her.

I still maintain there's another issue out there -- something not related to money. Most of us'll not let ONE THING stand in the way of what we really want, so I feel sure there's more than one thing (not just money) in this deal.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

OP, I just saw where you live. DH and I got married in Livonia 17 years ago.

As for your friend, marriage is about compromise and they both should compromise a bit if marriage is what they really want. If all the people are important then have a low key meal(maybe even a catered picic or BBQ.) If the grandness is important then have a small wedding.

I really wish people would focus less on the day and more on every day after. I'd much ratehr be known for having a great marriage then have hosted a great party. (And in fact we are!)

 

[Disney Doll]

But as long as she is in princess mode and at the beck and call of her boyfriend...and giving the milk for free ...he has every right to not waste his money on something so frivolous when she can't be bothered to work until her "perfect" work opportunity comes along.

What she said.

If I were her, I'd also probably be looking closely at him to make sure he isn't miserly...not saying he is, just saying it's something I'd be looking closely at.

But, unfortunately for her, she has placed herself in a bad position because she is financially dependent on him.

So she has a choice to make...become an equal partner with equal "say" in the relationship, because clearly to this man he who has the $$ has the power, OR do it his way if she wants to get married.

 

[Disney Doll]

ok, maybe this is because I grew up on the poorer side of the scale, or because my Father was an accountant but I can't imagine even spending $10,000 on a wedding let alone more than $50K!!!! I don't blame the guy for not proposing if he is going to be expected to plunk down that much for ONE DAY!!! Wow. Her family should not expect him to pay the whole bill either. To me it does sound like she is sticking around for the money.

I got married 18 years ago and spent almost $10,000 on my wedding and it was nothing out of the ordinary for its day and in my geograpic area. It was a great wedding, great food, great music and great fun, but I didn't do all the fancu things that make a wedding really add up.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I got married 18 years ago and spent almost $10,000 on my wedding and it was nothing out of the ordinary for its day and in my geograpic area. It was a great wedding, great food, great music and great fun, but I didn't do all the fancu things that make a wedding really add up.

It's crazy but it's true. We got married almost 17 years ago, we did a Sunday afternoon lunch to keep the costs down, but because I was the only one in the family left to get married everyone wanted me to have the wedding noone else had. We had 125 people and only champagne and soda and still it ran almost $10,000 and that was a low key (though very nice) afternoon wedding 17 years ago. The last wedding we went to (last summer) ran around $50,000.

 

[disneychrista]

I think if people were as concered about the MARRIAGE as they are the WEDDING, divorce would be a fraction of what it is now.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I think if people were as concered about the MARRIAGE as they are the WEDDING, divorce would be a fraction of what it is now.

 

[dimimi]

So his dream is to retire.
Her dream is to have a huge wedding.
Why should marriage derail either of these dreams?

If they really want to get married, I see no reason why they can't BOTH have most of what they want. He works six months longer than he had planned (and she should get a full-time job if the wedding means so much to her), and she cuts back her expectations. They both get what they claim to want.

I suspect there's more to this situation than meets the eye. Either they're not quite so compatible as they appear, or they're both overly stubborn. Or something else that isn't visible to us.

Interesting perspective. I wasn't thinking this way at first. But you have a good point. I do wonder though about the Asian culture of the bride's family paying for the wedding. Would it be the "same" if the husband to be paid for it. I know many cultures are very tradition oriented.

They certainly can compromise and still have very nice wedding. I can see how not inviting everyone that is expected to be invited could couse family stress.

 

[manning]

ITA!

To me, this isn't a cultural argument at all - it's financial. I also have Asian family and they do the big weddings - but they don't ask anyone else to pay for them! It's one thing to compromise and do a wedding that fits both family's expectations - it's another thing to expect one person/family to pay for what the other wants.

To get the "say" you have to pay!

Not as big as a Polish wedding. They lasted 3 days and the hangover 5 days.

 

[AKL_Megs]

O. M. G.

I just don't know what to think of this WHOLE situation now!

My DH, in conversation today, told me that HE (the guy) really wants to have a baby, and that he is TRYING to get her pregnant!

Apparently, he "tried" to get her pregnant last night! I have NO CLUE if she is on birth control, or if she knows of his plans.

HOW can you want to spend money for 18 YEARS on a child, but you won't pay for a wedding to marry the GIRL!

Now I am totally, 100% confused.

How do you plan to retire in 10 years, and have a 10 year old? Now THAT would be a total kink in the plan! (Or maybe it IS the plan. Could his plan be to retire and have fun with the kid?) OMG, so confused.

 

[disykat]

You can want to be married, but not want to spend huge amounts of cash on a wedding.

Either way, their apparent lack of communication doesn't bode well.

 

[Rora]

Either way, their apparent lack of communication doesn't bode well.

That's for sure.

Sounds like before either a wedding or a baby happens, they need to have a chat to make sure they're on the same page.. pronto!

 

[abdmom]

Well, if she gets pregnant, I would think she may be a little more inclined to get married, with or without the big wedding. However, he doesn't sound like much of a prize if he is trying to get her pregnant without her knowledge.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Well, if she gets pregnant, I would think she may be a little more inclined to get married, with or without the big wedding. However, he doesn't sound like much of a prize if he is trying to get her pregnant without her knowledge.

Uh, yeah! This just gets more and more crazy.

He wants her to get a teaching job so... she can quit to stay home with a baby? Or... is he planning on spending lots of cash so they can daycare the baby and she can work?

All plans to retire and travel wouldn't work with a kid who needs to be in school.

Maybe his plan IS to knock her up so he can just do a small wedding, since she will be shamed or something.

I just wonder if she knows about the baby thing... or what I should do with this knowledge now!

 

[Imzadi]

You don't get it? To be pregnant and UNmarried and to come from a BIG Asian family is shameful. Honor is EVERYTHING to an Asian family. She would be a disgrace to them. She might even be shunned by her family.

That would certainly take care of the HUGE wedding situation.

 

[Rora]

or what I should do with this knowledge now!

Oooh girl, stay out of it!! You don't want to be blamed for anything..

 

[AKL_Megs]

You don't get it? To be pregnant and UNmarried and to come from a BIG Asian family is shameful. Honor is EVERYTHING to an Asian family. She would be a disgrace to them. She might even be shunned by her family.

That would certainly take care of the HUGE wedding situation.

Ah, well.

Oooh girl, stay out of it!! You don't want to be blamed for anything..

Oh, I know. It's just crazy. I'll just sit back and watch.

 

[Imzadi]

... or what I should do with this knowledge now!

Weeeeeell. . . You could casually call up like your DH delivered some good news, "Hey! DH said your BF said you & he are trying to have a baby! Wow!"