I could just cried for DDIL tonite...

[Dznypal]

we all went out to eat tonite since DS was thurs and DDIL is sun.

last sun we found out we're going to be grandparents for the first time!!!

we couldnt be happier.

DDIL has had a rough time with her parents--her dad is an alcholic--her mom is not only an alcholic but also hooked on pain pills---

her dad though is own fault got let go from the school system--her mom is unable to work--they got kicked out of their apt they just figured theyd move in with DS and DDIL which would be the biggest mistake that could happen.

The're had 3 chances to get their lives turned around but blew all three--

so what does she tell us tonite--that her dad said he cant see them being parents!!!!he said well maybe their son in law (meaning my son) but not you (meaning his own daughter!!!) Both Dh and myself just love our DDIL she is just the nicest person, very sweet!!

I could have cried when she said that!!!

Shes always though seems so unhappy though--I know she loves my son and hes crazy about her sometimes I dont know what to say to her!!

I dont want to put her parents down so I just said you'll make parents!!Does anyone have any ideas about what I could say to her when she starts about her parents?

Thanks for listening

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

i don't know what to say really. i just wanted to comment because i have parents who aren't really all that nice to me either. it's tough, but if your DS is good to her, that's all that matters. she should really kick her parents out.....they're going to cause more harm than anything else.

 

[Beth76]

You probably shouldn't say this to her, but I'm thinking she just needs to walk away. She doesn't need to be around people who think like that. And they most certainly don't need to be living with them. It's a hard situation. But it's ok to sever ties with family if they're toxic.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

Obviously alcohol isn't this man's only problem. He sounds like a dysfunctional nightmare.

 

[chobie]

It's called projection. Her father knows that he failed as a parent so now he's projecting what he is, a lousy parent, onto his daughter. Keep reminding her how great she is, but she does need to get away from them before the baby is born.

 

[Microcell]

I hate this time of year because my mom is gone and my father is not worth my time. I do not speak to him anymore.

I like my inlaws well enough, but I hate going there for holidays because I see what I am missing with that Leave it to Beaver family. What makes it even worse for me is that my inlaws though nice, are not warm and fuzzy toward me. I would love for the type that say "call me mom", or that call me to talk to me, just me. I would really love to be invited to do something even when my Dh is not around. I get so sick of "We are going shopping... but Joe (DH) has to work? I guess not then". If I am not with someone who has their blood going through their veins, I am not included.

I guess I am saying, you don't have to trash her parents, but treat her like your own.

 

[rie'smom]

Maybe you could tell her that we all have to learn from our parent's mistakes and do bettter with our own children. Remind her too that she can remember the good times and share them with her children.
Isn't it sad that even as adults nothing can hurt worse than a parent's harsh words?

 

[Dznypal]

actually they have put their foot down to them living with DS and DDIL--

one reason is my DS is a police officer and he sure cant have his house turned into a drug house her parents though couldnt see that--they just wanted to move in with them.

They also did alot of the running--getting info on low income housing and assistance which of course wasnt right--

another kicker is DDIL 23 year old brother is also living with them--of course with no job and also hooked on something!!!!

this is the real strange part--they are now living (all3 of them) with his daughter he had sometime during the Vietnam war

DS just told us that a few weeks ago--before baby news--

so their actually living is Kansas (we all live in WI)

thanks for hearing me out--I just feel so bad for DDIL she moved out to really before she was ready I told DS she could move in here--she felt funny about that so she ended up "renting" a room from one of DS friends who bought a 4 bedroom house and rented out the other rooms
that was a difficult situiation--it didnt last long and DS and DDIL took an apt together!!

If anyone has any advice Ican tell DDIL when she brings up her parents like to hear it

sorry Ive rambled on so but it really bothers me--I just dont want to say anything that would hurt her more--

thanks so much for listening

 

[ellyn2000]

I had a wretched, dysfunctional childhood. I married and have raised 3 most wonderful, happy, healthy children. Now have a 4th with addition of DDIL who is another dtr. to me. I told a young bride who identifies with my childhood that her family will be exactly whatever she wants it to be. That's how mine is because I was so desperate to have what I felt I missed as a child. Your DDIL just needs to be reminded that she will be able to choose what kind of mother she is and that you will be there for her if she needs you. I truly wish them the best and congratulations on your new grandchild.

 

[KikiFan]

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to say how wonderful it is that you care so much for your DiL. Really it seems like the best thing you can do, is let her know how much you care.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

Please suggest that she join Al-Anon. It is an organization for family members and other loved ones of alcoholics. My aunt joined while married to my uncle, who was an alcoholic, and felt she learned a lot and got a lot of support from the organization and the fellow members. It helps put other people's problems squarely where it belongs, with them. Their problems are not her fault.

 

[Aidensmom]

Just be there for her and listen. Let her know you love her. Don't say anything to "judge" her parents as that can backfire on you at some point - yes, I am sure here relationship with her parents is dysfunctional, but there apparantly is still a relationship.

She probably really needs a stable parent-figure in her life. How lucky she is that she has you, as you obviously really care about her.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

sometimes I dont know what to say to her!!

I dont want to put her parents down so I just said you'll make parents!!Does anyone have any ideas about what I could say to her when she starts about her parents?

Thanks for listening

I think many, many hugs are in order. And just positive energy and positive comments towards her will do so much good. It takes many more positive comments to make up for one negative one. She is very lucky to have you in her life!

 

[Jeanny]

she's lucky to have you.

 

[mamatojon]

I had a tough time with my mom when I was younger and my MIL (then she was just my boyfriend's mom) was such a great positive influence on me. If I could give you advice, it would just be to be positive with her, reinforce thoughts that she is a wonderful person and will make an excellent mother. You don't have to put down the mom/dad to get those points across, don't worry that it will seem that way. She will benefit from your positivity and come to her own decisions about her parents in time. It stinks that so many parents out there seem so ill equipped for their roles.

 

[magicmato]

we all went out to eat tonite since DS was thurs and DDIL is sun.

last sun we found out we're going to be grandparents for the first time!!!

we couldnt be happier.

DDIL has had a rough time with her parents--her dad is an alcholic--her mom is not only an alcholic but also hooked on pain pills---

her dad though is own fault got let go from the school system--her mom is unable to work--they got kicked out of their apt they just figured theyd move in with DS and DDIL which would be the biggest mistake that could happen.

The're had 3 chances to get their lives turned around but blew all three--

so what does she tell us tonite--that her dad said he cant see them being parents!!!!he said well maybe their son in law (meaning my son) but not you (meaning his own daughter!!!) Both Dh and myself just love our DDIL she is just the nicest person, very sweet!!

I could have cried when she said that!!!

Shes always though seems so unhappy though--I know she loves my son and hes crazy about her sometimes I dont know what to say to her!!

I dont want to put her parents down so I just said you'll make parents!!Does anyone have any ideas about what I could say to her when she starts about her parents?

Thanks for listening

I will give you the advice my own mother in law gave me. When someone comes to you to complain about someone in the family, you just listen. You tell them how YOU feel about them, you support them and acknowledge their pain, but you just do not say anything about that other person, because it will bite you in the end.

I would make an effort to tell her YOUR thoughts about her. Start doing some small things to let her know how happy you are to have her in your family, etc. She will get the message.

 

[MELSMICE]

There's probably not much you can say, just be supportive.

Possibly something to the affect of, "Honey, it's OK to love your parents, but not particularly like them or like what they do. Now is the time to worry about yourself & your baby & you need to do what's healthiest for both of you. If that means distancing yourself from your parents & brother a bit, then that's what you need to do. It's for your own health & the health of your baby." Maybe she just needs someone else to confirm that it's OK for her not to worry about them.

I would try to remain as neutral as possible, because until she comes to the realization that her parents need help, anything you say can come back to haunt you.

I agree with the poster that said she should get to an Al-Anon meeting.

 

[Tjaleks]

You probably shouldn't say this to her, but I'm thinking she just needs to walk away. She doesn't need to be around people who think like that. And they most certainly don't need to be living with them. It's a hard situation. But it's ok to sever ties with family if they're toxic.

I completely agree with this. I had to do it with most of my dad's family and I am better for it. Giver her time. The further she get along in her pregnancy the more protective she will get of her home and family, (the one she is has with your son). More than likely she will make this decision on her own. Just continue to be there for her.

 

[Disney Doll]

You tell her how special she is to you and your fmaily, you tell her what a great Mom you think she'll make, you tell her that her dad is probably not thinking clearly because of his drinking problem and if he was he would never be able to say she wouldn't be a good Mom.

Be the parent she never had. I also like the Al-Anon suggestion.

 

[battricia]

The best thing you can do is just let it be known how much you love your son and DIL. Keep letting her know how great a mother she is going to be, by cards, or a phone call, or whatever little ways you can think of. Let her know that you're there for her no matter what, and you respect her and think she is great! If she's been treated like crap all her life (which it seems like she probably has) I'm sure she would really appreciate that, and grow to love you and consider you her support system. good luck!

tricia.