I am so mad at my DH I can hardly stand it! (long)

[Tigger&Belle]

Our kids are older now, with the youngest 6yo, so for the most part we're past this, but I certainly remember it clearly. It is hard when the kids are young. You've gotten a lot of good pointers and it sounds like you do have things under control and there is more certainly nothing wrong with venting!

We have a different spin on our "issue" now. We have things around the house that we need to do--various chores and projects that never seem to end. It seems that when my DH and I decide to work on one (or more) of these projects, he's able to ignore all the other normal household stuff that needs to be done--meals, cleaning the kitchen, interacting with our kids, etc, etc. So I end up doing the normal stuff and he wonders why I don't get any of the project work done. And yes, I have learned to communicate. It really isn't so much a problem any more since I've just given up making much progress on these projects and I let my DH do them. Hey, I can't do everything

 

[Robindianne]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Whether you "chose" to be a mom, stay-at-home or otherwise isn't even relevant. IMHO whether or not you get more time alone than some other moms isn't relevant. I don't hear you asking for pity or for sympathy. I hear you expressing frustration and asking for help. My son is now 22. When he was born I remember never seeing his father due to his work schedule, his need for time out after work, etc. I understood he had needs and I don't doubt your DH has them too. But so do you. I guess if you can, I'd try to talk to DH and tell him that for now you just need him to know how this feels to you when you don't have time w/him, or w/out ds, or w/friends. He doesn't need to solve it, just needs to listen and understand and I bet when you hear him say, wow, I totally understand how you feel, you might feel more like you two can resolve it. If that doesn't work then yeah, take care of yourself w/girl time, etc. Again imho.

Well I think it is important to have a grown up life outside of your children and I know I need to regain that for myself. It hard though when you've lived in 7 states in the last 10 years. I never chose to be a SAHM, while I'm lucky that my DH makes enough money that I can stay home, it was never the path I saw myself on. I worked up until the time we moved here. I actually transferred and worked the first 3 months or so but I had taken a position cut and it was hard for me to go from being the boss to being a worker bee. Soon after the division was restructered and closed so I would have ended up w/out a job any way.

While I do enjoy time with DS, I'm a very social person and thrive on being around people. Yes, I have time in the mornings while DS is in school. Mostly that time is spent cleaning, grocery shopping, running other errands and things like Drs appointments. All things I do ALONE. I'd love it if I spent my time shopping or lunching but all my friends work so they aren't available.

I'm sorry I get lonely when my only company is a 4 year old.

Part of my frustration is also that it is hard for me to make plans. All my friend have their work to schedule around and since my DHs job is very busy and somewhat unpredictable I have to work around his schedule too. That makes things tough. For example Tuesday is the only day this week that he can watch DS. He has hockey Mon, Wed, Sat and his regional boss is in town Thursday and Fri so he can't commit to being there for DS.

I've contacted a few friends about doing something on Tuesday so hopefully they will be free.

Thanks to the people who understood why I was frustrated.
I'm making plans to go out with a friend on Tuesday I know that will help.

 

[hentob]

DH's solution to my misery today "call another mom and have a playdate." I dont' want to have a playdate. .

Just what you want to do--Go hang out with MORE kids

Seriously, though...Doesn't your DH miss your little one? That is the one thing I am happy for. Although DH travels and works late some evenings, he is literally obsessed with our children. They were all out at 8:30am throwing a football today. Then he took them out for lunch. I declined since they chose McD's Playland , but it was nice to be alone and read all of the Sunday newspapers and drink a fresh pot of coffee (and DIS, of course).

When DH is not working, he wants to squeeze in any time he can get with the little ones.

And believe me, I'm not setting up play dates with my free time

Talk to your husband. You would be surprised how men just don't pick up on things. Just ask him why he doesn't want to spend his free time with the little one. He may come to realize that he is missing out on something.

 

[ceiligh1]

I had the same problem with my DH. We moved and I didnt know the neighborhood or the people and became a SAHM. After a couple fights we have worked it out so that he gets one day (sat.) that is his to do what he wants. Be it playing xbox staying up late on friday and sleeping in on Sat. ect. THen Sunday is mine. I get to sleep in, we can go to church and we can do other things be it together or apart it is all up to me. He also is in charge of our son that day so I dont have to keep track and make sure that he is eating/sleeping enough. It has really helped me. ALso he has changed his work time so he leaves at 730 for work and is home around 630. THat way I can go to the gym at 630. I was waiting until he came home and was always too tired by the end of the day so this worked better for us. Sometimes due to work he can be at work until 1 am it depends on the work cycle. My son is not in daycare and it is just the two of us all day. But getting out in the sun (when there is sun in WA) and letting me get some more sleep has helped our family a lot. FIgure out exactly what you want, sleep, more personal time ect and then go and talk with him. Hopefully he will be willing to make a few changes to the way that he seems to live his life.

 

[VickiVM]

This is normal, except for the nights he announced for the local pro hockey team.

Your husband announces for the Rampage??

On topic - Sounds like you could use some 'me' time away from family. I've found lately that this is so important to me to just have uninterrupted conversations with friends. You can't do that visiting with friends while kids are around.

My husband and I have a close-knit circle of friends - 3 other couples. The men get together about once every month or so to play poker. We (the wives) usually go to someones house for pizza and a movie, with the kids of course. Then we alternate with the women going out and the men mind the children (if you can call drinking beer while the kids wreck the house "minding"). It was pretty pathetic when one of the husbands called one time at 8pm and asked if we were done yet. Seems they were getting antsy with 11 children about. Ha - we showed them. We didn't finish yakking until 11pm!

Looks like you live nearby - you should come with us next time. Trust me - your husband won't mind you coming home after a night out with the girls drinking 3 bottles of wine (wink, wink)!

 

[jfulcer]

Believe me I get that. I'm trying but it is hard when my DS and DH have most the available time scheduled already.

To me, this is you coming up with excuse for why you are not. You need to step and and put yourself on the schedule. Find a night in there (There HAS to be one) that you can go to a movie with a friend. Even if it's as simple as going to the grocery store without the kids in tow. Have you shopped without your kids lately? That's why I always do any grocery shopping we need late at night.

I just don't know why it isn't ok for me to be frustrated and lonely when he is jet setting all over the country and doing tons of 'fun' things (like going to Vegas for the Superbowl or to the NCAA finals next weekend) while I'm home alone.

That's just it - it is NOT okay. If your DH can spend the time and energy doing those things, you certainly have every right to plan something for yourself. Heck, if your 'location' is to be believed (TX Hill country) there is a whole website devoted to events in your area that a quick glance showed me would be great times for you and a friend/etc.

Don't make any more excuses why you CAN'T do it, make reason TO do it.

 

[JennaTX]

I know exactly how you feel. I think that sometimes being a SAHM, you get pushed to the bottom of priorities. You are used to providing for your family and everyone else is used to you providing for them. That does not always leave time for you.

It is a privilige for me to be able to stay at home with my kids, and I know that I am lucky to be able to do that. But just like people who work outside the home and sometimes gripe about their job, SAHM's should be able to gripe about their job also sometimes.

And trying to schedule time for yourself is not always that easy. Obviously your husband's job comes first. So you can't just say "sorry I planned dinner with friends on Tuesday at 6:00, I guess you will have to cancel that meeting with your boss." You can't just always say "well I put it on the calendar so I am going."

And I totally understand that even though your child goes to preschool, it is not like you are sitting around those 3 or 4 hours eating bonbons all day. For me, since I am at home that means everything revolving around the house, kids, and spouse falls on my shoulders (as it should) so I use that "free" time like you said, dry cleaners, vet, dr appt, grocery shopping etc. Okay, I admit I might spend a small amount of that time here on DIS. But you don't have four hours of "me" time every day.

Just keep trying to push your time with friends and family up the priorities list!

 

[CookieGVB]

Hire a babysitter once in a while. Make that part of the budget, if DH is always working.

 

[VickiVM]

Heck, if your 'location' is to be believed (TX Hill country) there is a whole website devoted to events in your area that a quick glance showed me would be great times for you and a friend/etc.

Don't make any more excuses why you CAN'T do it, make reason TO do it.

Why wouldn't her location be believed? I'm not sure how this has anything to do with her dilemma. Texas Hill Country could be any of the smaller towns near San Antonio or Austin - Kerrville, San Marcos, New Braunfels, Gruene, Fredericksburg.

 

[RadioNate]

To me, this is you coming up with excuse for why you are not. You need to step and and put yourself on the schedule. Find a night in there (There HAS to be one) that you can go to a movie with a friend. Even if it's as simple as going to the grocery store without the kids in tow. Have you shopped without your kids lately? That's why I always do any grocery shopping we need late at night.



That's just it - it is NOT okay. If your DH can spend the time and energy doing those things, you certainly have every right to plan something for yourself. Heck, if your 'location' is to be believed (TX Hill country) there is a whole website devoted to events in your area that a quick glance showed me would be great times for you and a friend/etc.

Don't make any more excuses why you CAN'T do it, make reason TO do it.

Um yeah Texas Hill Country, what is that all about?

What's with all the nastiness? I have a DH who works 2 jobs and frequently 7 days a week (and yes Vicki, he does). Forgive me if I try to keep some things a little private since he's in a job position that is somewhat public.

Like I said, I've made plans for TUESDAY. And frankly you don't know my life. It would be nearly impossible for him to clear a weekend for me to go away. I get pleanty of alone time to grocery shop and go to the dry cleaners, that isn't the issue.

Knowing what to do isn't the issue either.

I WAS frustrated that I would have loved to spend 6 hours hanging with my friends today but didn't get to. I also said in my OP that usually I don't get upset by these things but today it got to me because he has been super busy at work and traveling a lot (for work) and I know he has more travel coming up and at the last minute (1230 for a 145 tee time) decided to spend the day golfing rather than w/us.

In reality DH and I have talked. We are fine. I'm not mad anymore. Case closed.

I just wanted a little sympathy and a shoulder from some women who would understand.

 

[NCDisneyMom]

If it makes you feel any better, I was a little PO'd at my dh today, also. He likes to race remote control cars with his buddies. He told me last night he was going to go racing today. Fine by me...I've never said no unless there was something going on. Usually he's gone 1-2 hours. First, he spent an hour and a half in the garage working on his car. Then, he spent 5 hours out racing. I called him after 3 hours to ask when he'd be home (I really did have a couple of things I wanted to get done today, and told him so BEFORE he went racing). The kids were driving me absolutely bonkers today...I was nearly at my wits end. Well, he was gone for 2 more hours after that. He walked in the door and said "What's for dinner?". Was I ticked? You bet! I am a Work-At-Home Mom, and even if I'm not going out on the weekend, it's nice to just have some backup at home for a couple of days so I'm not doing it alone all the time. In the grand scheme of things, is it a big deal? No. But was I mad today? You betcha! And he knew it, too. By morning, it will be over, done, and forgotten. Hang in there!!!

 

[VickiVM]

I just wanted a little sympathy and a shoulder from some women who would understand.

Totally understand, here. I know where you're coming from and unfortunately some (not all, some) men don't get it. '

I'm glad you and your husband are communicating. Hang in there!

 

[worm761]

i used to be a SAHM. and it can be tough. my ex didn't understand for the longest time. then i went and got a "job". i worked for four hours on sunday mornings watching the counter at a laundromat. he asked why? i told him because i needed adult interaction. not only did i stay home but i homeschooled too. the only time i saw adults was when i was at a homeschool assoc. meeting. and i understand not wanting to complain so you let it build up. my ex's not being around was because of work. he was frequently gone for anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks.

glad to see it got worked out for you. have fun on tuesday!

 

[FreshTressa]

I joined a hiking club and left him at home on the weekends. I hated it....I really wanted to be with my family.

BUT, it made him miss me, and he seems to want me around more on the weekends.

I keep trying to find ways to keep DH from taking me for granted.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I guess the best way that I could explain it is that while I chose to be a mother, being a mother doesn't define me. My child is not my life, never has been. I love her dearly of course, but she is not my life. I see being a mother as a part of me, but not all of me. My job with her is to raise her to be a productive member of society, know right from wrong, know how to give love and receive love, etc.. and a lot of that I do simply by example. My goal is for her to be able to leave home and take care of herself. If she were my life, what would I do when she left? How would I function if all of my life for the past 18 years had been wrapped completely around her except for a few hours a week? If mom were my only job, what would I do when there was no one here to be mom to?

I just have to tell you that was a great post!!!!

 

[Freyja]

My first advice would be to plan a spa day, preferably with a girlfriend, some Saturday and leave DH and DS to spend the day together. If you're really craving more family time, start planning some outings to the zoo, museums etc and mark them on the calendar and let your DH know that you've made plans for certain days.

I like this plan! If it doesn´t work, I think you guys have some serious talking to do.

Good luck!

 

[Marseeya]

I totally get where you're coming from. My DH is the same way. Even though I DO have a support system in place, it's not always a matter of that. I don't want to pawn the kids off on somebody else, I want their dad to automatically step up to the plate just like I do without me having to ask or "schedule" him to parent them (I hate the whole "babysitting" term too).

Another thing I'm getting from your posts, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, is that you probably could find time for yourself somewhere in that busy schedule, but it would be yet another night that you're distanced from HIM. He's the one who needs to free up some time and be more involved in the family.

Anyway, I see that the two of you have already talked through this, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand.

 

[debden]

Yes,I'm seeing it more and more where the hubby gets to do or go where ever he wants,when he wants with no thought to his wife being left with the kids all day.I'm not a parent and I fume when I see my girl friends left in full charge of the kids all day long while dad goes out to golf,play tennis,meet his buddies for beer....And all I can think of is 'No way,no way am I being left holding the bag all day,every day'....
I just got back from a trip and a woman and her husband and 3 small children were in line ahead of us waiting to check in for a flight.She was making every effort to keep all three of them behaving and together while the husband stood ahead of them with the luggage ignoring everything that was going on!!
He did not look their way or say a word to her or the kids! He had nothing at all to do with the care of those young children.It is beyond me why ANY woman would deal with their children alone with no help from her husband at all......I couldn't and wouldn't do it.....
Debbie

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Debbie, and I'm betting it won't work that way with you. First of all, you wouldn't pick a guy like that to have babies with and second of all, you would speak up! At least, that's my story! My DH might be clueless in a lot of ways, but I would never have been that woman at the airport--my DH would have been there helping with the kids.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

I'm not trying to be mean, but those long days at work are really rough, and I don't know you or your husband or whether there are things he could do to free himself up, but if he is working this hard, then I'm sure he really needs to play golf once in awhile and I really don't think you should add to his stress by starting a big fight.

Why don't you try planning some really fun things for the weekend and try encouraging family activity? I'll bet you can win him over. But I don't think you should attack the golf. That will just make him feel backed into a corner.