I am a terrbile mother...

[Briar Rose 7457]

I should feel guilty but I don't.

my 12 year old dd is a really sweet girl. she has a gift of being able to make friends with almost everyone. at school she has many friends from different backgrounds.


dd's father has a friend who also has a 12 year old daughter. consequently, when my girls are with their father for visitation, they spend a lot of time with this other man and his dd. the young lady doesn't have much in common with my girls, and they wouldn't choose her as a friend if she went to school with them. my younger dd can be a bit intolerant of people she has nothing in common with, and I've had to talk with her about being nice to this girl. but I never expected my older dd...


anyhow, several months ago, when my older dd made the cheerleading team, the young lady told her "I don't like cheerleaders." she's repeated this remark several times over the last few months.

one day last november, when the young lady's father was a t work, she spent the afternoon with my ex and my dd's. my dd had cheerleading practice, and my ex didn't want to take her to practice because the young lady carried on about how she didn't want to go watch dumb cheerleaders practice.

my dd's were with their father this weekend, and spent Sunday afternoon with this girl. when dd's got home sunday night, I noticed that dd was wearing her "cheerleader" sweatpants and sweatshirt, and the necklace I bought her with the cheerleader charm. I didn't think anything of it --- it's one of her favorite outfits -- until she told me where she'd been that afternoon.

so I said "you were a little bit in her face with all that cheerleading stuff, weren't you?"

she said "yes, I was."

I SHOULD have said "don't do it again."

but all I said was "good."


I am a terrible mommy.

 

[Serena]

LOL, okay, then I'd be a terrible mom too.

 

[nkjzmom]

tsk.....tsk.....BAD mommy





Your daughter did nothing TO this young lady....she just wore her favorite clothing....they don't have to like what the other likes, but as long as they're not cruel to each other.....

If you feel bad, just talk to your DD....let her know that you wouldn't want her to be outright mean to this girl but that she shouldn't have to ignore things she likes just because this other girl doesn't like them. She probably needs a good friend.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

BR, you would be the first to complain if something like this happened to your child.

 

[Pebblszzz]

I'm glad I'm not a mommy.

I'd be HORRIBLE!!!

(way to go!)

 

[Kissimmee JP]

From a guy's perspective - I've taught both my boys not to be doormats for anyone. It's ok to have different likes and dislikes as your peers, but don't put up with much crap from others about your likes and dislikes. It's ok for kids to be feisty. It's not ok for them to be bratty and mean to other kids.

Just my .02

 

[CookieGVB]

She's learning baiting a little early, isn't she?

What if your other DD didn't make the play, and another girl wore her "Annie" outfit just to be in her face? Would you be just as happy about it?

Honestly, I'd have laughed at her doing it ONCE, but discouraged her from doing it again. It can only cause trouble. JMHO

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

I suspect that I don't feel very charitable towards this young lady because she's insulted both of my daughters.

younger dd sings in the school chorus, earned a role in the school play based on her singing, and has earned the respect of her music teacher. the young lady told my younger dd she can't sing at all.

if this is how she is with other kids, you're right, she probably does need a friend.

 

[marlasmom]

Although this kid is outnumbered and outclassed, this is still a lousy situation for your dds. Maybe a little reminder about charity wouldn't hurt, but for your dd - way to go.

 

[SilverLily]

Originally posted by Briar Rose 7457
I suspect that I don't feel very charitable towards this young lady because she's insulted both of my daughters.

She's still just a child. Maybe she is a product of a bad divorce and her parents fight like cats and dogs. Maybe she feels that her dad doesn't want to spend time with her.

Or, maybe she is just an unpleasant person.

But she is still just a child, and you shouldn't be teaching your daughters that it is ok to be mean to her. And you shouldn't take delight in it.

edited to say: Let me clarify...I don't think what your daughter did was all that bad. She just wore her favorite outfit, so as far as being mean goes, this was pretty subtle and tame. But, if your DD thinks this is acceptable, she may actually be a little meaner next time.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

Originally posted by CookieGVB
She's learning baiting a little early, isn't she?

What if your other DD didn't make the play, and another girl wore her "Annie" outfit just to be in her face? Would you be just as happy about it?

Honestly, I'd have laughed at her doing it ONCE, but discouraged her from doing it again. It can only cause trouble. JMHO

you're right, and I should have said that even though it's hard to ignore someone like that, she shouldn't be "in her face" about being a cheerleader. this isn't like my 12 year old at all.

 

[Mishetta]

Well, even though you probably should have told your DD it wasn't a good idea to wear all her cheerleading stuff...I have to say

There are some times that a little brat deserves it!

As posted though, we don't know why she feels this way...maybe because she's very unhappy in her personal life, maybe she didn't make the cheerleading team, etc..So, we should raise our children to be a little more compassionate.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Really, all the mothers on this thread, if that was your daughter having stuff thrown in her face, would your response be the same?

It's not right that she has hurt BR's daughter in the past, but it's also not right to throw things in the face of others.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

in 2 or 3 weeks, the girls will be at their dad's house again, and they'll be hanging around with the other girl. maybe having my dd in her face may make qan impression on her, and she won't be nasty to my dd's again. maybe not.

but I have to wonder...


my younger dd used to be friends with a girl I'll call Liz. dd, Liz and a third girl (I'll call her Carol) were best friends throughout 4th grade.

came time for auditions for the 5th grade play "Annie", and all three girls auditioned. autitions were held on a friday afternoon after school. my dd had to be at ballet class right after auditions and wouldn't have time to change clothes, so she wore her ballet leotard and a pair of shorts for the audition. Liz took one look at this outfit and told my dd "you look like a slut." (can you imagine a 5th grader saying that? ) even though it was 85° in the auditiorium, dd wanted to hide under a demin jacket!


a few weeks later, dd and the other girls were invited to a boy's birthday party. dd and Carol decided to dress up nice for the party. when they got there, they saw Liz in a t shirt and jeans. she told Carol "you look like a slut" and Carol spent the whole party wearing a ratty sweatshirt over her pretty outfit.

Liz made other, similar nasty remarks to my dd and to the other 5th grade girls over the next few weeks.

the result?

as far as my dd was concerned, Liz didn't exist. and many of the other girls began to ignore her, too. eventually, after several weeks of the silent treatment, she begged my dd to be her friend again.

I wonder if it would have been kinder to just get in her face and have it out with her.

 

[Buckalew]

It sounds to me like they just don't like each other. And 3 is a bad # of girls to have ogether anyway because someone usually gets left out.
I'm not sure what was happening in this situation. I'm no fan of cheerleaders but have nothing against them. Sometimes there is an attitude that goes along with being a cheerleader. Maybe this little girl senses this. Or maybe she has other reasons...maybe even some unrelated to just being a cheerleader. Maybe this little girl deserved to have it thrown in her face...what thrown in her face, I'm not sure. Certainly being a cheerleader is not the be all, end all thing is it? My DD plays basketball. I can't see this happening with this sport. But my niece does gymnastics and it is "thrown" into people's faces a lot by niece and her friends. I'm still asking myself "What is up with that?"

I'd have a talk with her. If these 3 girls have to be around each other very much they'd better get this worked out so things can be more pleasant during visitation.

 

[DaisyDebbie]

Originally posted by Miss Jasmine
Really, all the mothers on this thread, if that was your daughter having stuff thrown in her face, would your response be the same?

It's not right that she has hurt BR's daughter in the past, but it's also not right to throw things in the face of others.

And it wasn't right that her dd had to miss practice because this girl didn't want to go watch them practice. She sounds like a spoiled brat. My dd has a friend that cries if she doesn't get her way, my dd used to feel bad and give in. One day she came home from her house early, I asked what happened and she said "I just had enough of her". The Mom made the girl come to my house and apologize for the way she behaved toward my dd.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

what surprised me about all of this was that it was my 12 year old. this is the girl for whom there are no "strangers", just friends she hasn't met yet. my 10 year old has a much more forceful personality, more likley to get in your face. but my 10 year old is the one who just cut someone off when they acted bratty to her.

 

[JAP]

I think it is very difficult for most of us to take the high road. Obviously, from BR's story this young lady has been pretty blatant about her dislike of cheerleaders, and I would gather her dislike of BR's DD.

BR's DD handled the situation the best way she could, IMO. I can't say I would not have said good for you to DD. Again, it is a difficult thing to take the high road.

It sounds like this other girl has a serious jealousy problem. I am sure BR will get across to both her DDs the importance of ignoring someone and at least attempting to take the high road.

 

[Kallison]

I don't see anything wrong with what your DD did, she is a cheerleader, she is proud of it. The other girls is the one being disrespectful, she needs to tolerate stuff that she doesn't like. If I were your DD I would wear that outfit all the time. Good for her, for sticking up for herself. I don't see this as baiting at all.

 

[gepetto]

It didn't sound all that "in your face" to me since it was just a sweatsuit...not a uniform.

Since it's a male friend's daughter, (as opposed to the daughter of someone he is dating) can't she say something to her dad? Just explain that the other girl makes her uncomfortable? She shouldn't have to put up with that when she visits him.