HUMOR - Surveillance tape from Anahiem

Discussion in 'Disney Rumors and News' started by HB2K, Sep 18, 2003.

  1. HB2K

    HB2K I Spit Hot Fire!

    May 2, 2002
    I found this tape on EBAY from a mysterious seller named Deep Duck.....

    As the footage starts we see Michael Eisner, Robert Igler, Jay Rassulo & Cynthia Harris huddled around a conference table in an unknown board room.

    Ei$ner: (sinister smile on his face) OK Gang...time to make the bonus! And you know what that means....

    Igler: We must increase revenue and the stock price?

    Ei$ner: No you cut everyone's budget and get your money from there....see this is the reason I can't retire....idiots like you...

    Igler: (Scribbling notes furiously) Yes oh wise leader!

    Ei$ner: ok….I’ve already fired all of those stupid animators and imaginers…so there’s nothing left there….so that leads me to the parks…OK Jay…what are you going to do to save money in WDW?

    Rassulo: Uhm…I was actually going to ask for an increase in budget for capital improvements…you see Al gave me these guest surveys who say the biggest problem in WDW is the previous cutbacks…..

    Ei$ner: Are you insane man? Didn’t you hear the news? I’m looking for a BONUS….I’m not going to pay for those idiots to have more time to ride those silly rides…cut, cut, cut.

    Harris: I’ve got an idea that worked WONDERS for my budget here in CA….how about you cut the maintenance? Those silly engineers are always replacing perfectly good used parts with new ones. That way no-one knows any different, and you can save a TON!

    Rassulo: But didn’t that lead to the emergency closure of one E-Ticket and the tragedy on another?

    Ei$ner: For the last time…Space Mountain was a planned closure for a rehab. And Big Thunder was an accident. Happens all the time….didn’t you see the coaster get stuck at Cedar Point? It was all over MSNBC…

    Igler: Wasn’t that when the blackout occurred?

    Ei$ner: Who cares you idiot. Sheesh at least the midget went along with whatever I said...listen and learn moron. Jay, I’ll get back to you…(TURNS ATTENTION TO CYNTHIA HARRIS) What are we going to do with DCA to increase it’s outstanding profits?

    Rassulo: Uhm, boss…if I could interject here…DCA has become a black eye for my division. I propose we implement a plan submitted by the Imagineers, before they were shown the door, to totally gut the place and start over with….

    Ei$ner: Are you saying my idea wasn’t good? It’s not my fault the public is comprised of a bunch of idiots. It’s not DCA’s fault the general public doesn’t know a good thing when they see it…heck it’s got a Ferris Wheel and everything! And the tortilla making attraction….a stroke of genius!

    Harris: Don’t forget the Tower of Terror! I bet that’ll pack ‘em in!

    Rassulo: The watered down ride from Florida that everyone’s already ridden…yeah that’ll do it. I think we would have made more money leaving the place as a parking lot….

    Ei$ner: It’s settled than! No more capital improvements there….ah I can see the check now!

    Igler: Does this mean I’m getting a bonus too?

    Ei$ner: No you idiot….I’m still paying off the circus midget and the other stiff….wake up and pay attention. So Jay, back to you…what are we going to do at WDW? I mean we’ve already cut back on the stupid maintenance. I mean really who cares if some of the light bulbs go out….as long as the lemmings can still see the snow globes and find their wallets, that’s enough light. Let’s see….we’re already forcing the lemmings away from the pre-paid stuff at the parks and forcing them to the premium stuff at Pleasure Island….but it’s not enough…man where is Paul Pressler when you need him...too bad Gap got him….

    (All of a sudden the door opens and….GOOD GAWD THAT’S THE STUPID GAP MUSIC!?!?!?! In dances Paul Pressler in his stupid Khakis…)

    Pressler: Hey Big Guy! From one CEO to another, how’s it hanging?

    Ei$ner: I’m still surrounded by idiots. Cindy has some ideas but the rest of this group just has no clue on how to make me money…

    Pressler: She learned from the best!

    Harris: Thanks Paul! Hey I got an idea Michael…

    Ei$ner: That first name crap is only outside these offices Cindy. You may address me as Mister Ei$ner, Boss or Your Royal Highness, or God if you prefer…

    Igler: But you’re not royalty

    Ei$ner: I’m the freaking King of the Kingdom, and you will learn from me. One day maybe you’ll stop being the jester and learn to be a king!

    Pressler: So what’s up, fellow CEO?

    Harris: Mr. Ei$ner is trying to figure out where to make cuts to WDW’s budget…

    Pressler: Bonus time eh?

    Ei$ner: You guessed it. Man you’re a genius…

    Pressler: (GIGGLING) And let me guess, my “replacement” says to go to Imagineering…right?

    Rassulo: It worked for Walt…

    Ei$ner: Don’t bring up the dead guy again…I’m still sick to my stomach from having to give that speech for One man’s dream. This office is a WALT FREE zone.

    Igler: Don’t forget it all started with a mouse…god I love that line…

    Ei$ner: And it’ll all end with a Bonus…what’s your point?!?!?

    Pressler: Well you could always show off the size of your grapefruits and re-visit the proposed “open adventure land later than the park” plan…I didn’t get to do it because those idiots wrote in so many letters…

    Ei$ner: Hey you’re on to something Paul…I could open Adventureland up late….hey only the TRUE idiots go there anyway…

    Harris: I’ve got a better idea Mr. Eisner…how about you close one of the parks each day! Heck you’re barely keeping one open anyway with the hours what they are…I bet no one would notice and would happily go whatever park we keep open! I mean who needs 4?

    Pressler: That’s my girl! (starts the stupid dancing again and exits the room)

    Rassulo: Or they’ll go to Universal…

    Ei$ner: They’ll do nothing of the sort…does Universal have snow globes? I think not….those idiots will take what we give them and LOVE it. OK! That settles it…Those idiots wanted Early Entry back…they can have it. But it’s gonna have to be paid from somewhere…so each day one park will open one hour early, but one park will not open at all! I can see the money pouring in already!!!!

    (A female voice barges in on the speakerphone located in the middle of the table)

    FEMALE VOICE: Mr. Eisner, a Mr. Steve Jobs is on the line for you? I told him you were not available, but he insists that you need to speak with him…

    Ei$ner: OK Imbeciles, time for me to crush another idiot’s dreams….scurry off and make_my_bonus! Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!

    (Fade to black)

    (NOTE: Edited to fix bad VB Tags)
  2. DC7800

    DC7800 DIS Veteran

    Jun 1, 2001
    Thanks HB2K, that was brilliant.

    I really enjoyed the laugh, but I can't help thinking of an old expression, something about being too close to the truth to be truly funny....
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  4. HauntedMansionFan

    HauntedMansionFan Yes, I am crazy.

    Feb 10, 2002
    Umm.... as I've said before and I'll say it again: How quickly people turn on Eisner.
  5. HB2K

    HB2K I Spit Hot Fire!

    May 2, 2002
    I don't know where you've been....but I've been "turned" on Ei$ner and his blatant money grabs for a LONG time now :)
  6. HauntedMansionFan

    HauntedMansionFan Yes, I am crazy.

    Feb 10, 2002
    So when did the "turning" start exactly? Before he saved the Disney company in the late 80's and early 90's? Or just after that?
  7. HB2K

    HB2K I Spit Hot Fire!

    May 2, 2002
    A) Ei$ner didn't save the company. Frank Wells did. The proof in that pudding is Ei$ner's performance since Wells' death.

    B) My eyes started to open around 98 with Animal Kingdom's grand opening. I've become WIDE EYED ever since.
  8. Planogirl

    Planogirl I feel the nerd in me stirring

    Aug 11, 2000
    I think it's funny. Thanks HB2K. :teeth:
  9. HB2K

    HB2K I Spit Hot Fire!

    May 2, 2002
    (taking a bow)
  10. sharktums

    sharktums <font color=red>Rides kiddie coasters for credit<b

    Jun 17, 2003
    Love it! My favorite park is the "watered down Tower of Terror" Classic!

  11. floridaminnie

    floridaminnie Enjoying life one adventure at a time.

    Mar 4, 2002
  12. Mr D

    Mr D Adventurer

    Dec 24, 2000
    I think ME missed his calling years ago, he should have been along with Krusechev at the Kremlin....;)
  13. wdwguide

    wdwguide Ex Guide Book Author

    Mar 19, 2001
    In any case, Wells and Eisner probably wouldn't have gotten a chance to save the company if it hadn't been for Roy Disney and Stanley Gold. I also think that Ray Watson, although he was quite aimless in his actions, did some very important things back then that gave Wells and Eisner a good starting point.
  14. beatlebailey

    beatlebailey Earning My Ears

    Feb 28, 2003
    congrats HB2K it could almost be a real transcipt but i don't think ei$ner would let the tapes out. unless it would help his bonus hmmm

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