How Would You Have Handled This?

[KirstenB]

Now my husband has brought up that I was being disrespectful to my own dad by saying that, which is probably why dd thought it was okay to yell at her grandfather like that.

So how do you balance "respect for your elders" with "fundamentally opposing what they stand for"?

To answer your question about balancing respect for elders...I don't discern between elders and anyone else. When dd1 was younger, I was very concerned about her being respectful to elders. Then one day it hit me....I needed to be teaching her to respect everyone, ---with no special concessions due to age, etc. My dd knows I expect her to be respectful, unless the person has done something to not warrant that respect. In that case, she has to be polite, and that's it. I think you were right to tell your dad that you don't tolerate racism in your house. More importantly, you taught your daughter that you have her back on a big issue like this. Way to go!

 

[snowman]

Congratulations on raising a daugther with a backbone and a willingness to speak up for what she feels is right.

I think you handled the situation as well as one can when faced with bigots in the family. DD apology didn't necessarily have to be for what she said, just how she said it. If she believes what she said than apologizing for stating her beliefs would be hypocritical....but apologizing to her grandfather for yelling at him is reasonable.

And, unless you were yelling at your father when you made the statement about no racist/prejudice remarks in your home than you weren't disrespectful to him. Talk w/ DH so you are both on the same page.

 

[fabshelly]

Racism is often a sign of mental illness. You might want to have Gramps checked out.

 

[cardaway]

IMO there should be a basic level of respect for your elders, especially when it comes to family. It doesn't mean you can't tell them you disagree and think they are wrong, just no throwing them under the bus and being disrespectful.

In this case I think the little girl only crossed the line when she called her grandpa "mean old man". Everything else was perfectly acceptable IMO.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I don't think I would have made DD apologize either.

There is no room for racism and prejudice in my home. Various family members have been told this at different times.

 

[Crankyshank]

I think you handled it perfectly well. The only issue I probably would have had with DD is calling grandpa a mean old man, but let's face it she could have said worse

Not in any way excusing what he said, or advocating that behavior be allowed in your house, but you might want to talk to DD and explain that when Grandpa was little talking like that was a lot more common and certain phrases we don't allow were accepted.

My Dad said that to my siblings and I in the past as a way of explaining why gramps called certain pieces of candy a bad name (so we didn't call it the same), or called people names, and it helped me as far as perspective. I realized my grandparents and great grandparents weren't exactly racist - just a product of their generation.

 

[horseshowmom]

Congratulations on raising a daugther with a backbone and a willingness to speak up for what she feels is right.

I think you handled the situation as well as one can when faced with bigots in the family. DD apology didn't necessarily have to be for what she said, just how she said it. If she believes what she said than apologizing for stating her beliefs would be hypocritical....but apologizing to her grandfather for yelling at him is reasonable.

And, unless you were yelling at your father when you made the statement about no racist/prejudice remarks in your home than you weren't disrespectful to him. Talk w/ DH so you are both on the same page.

ITA!

 

[cardaway]

My Dad said that to my siblings and I in the past as a way of explaining why gramps called certain pieces of candy a bad name (so we didn't call it the same), or called people names, and it helped me as far as perspective. I realized my grandparents and great grandparents weren't exactly racist - just a product of their generation.

In my experience is was my mom and having to stress that they were called Brazil nuts. No true racists, just people who had not heard enough that they were called Brazil nuts.

 

[BoyLovesBuzz]

I think you handled it perfectly and the apology appropriate. Fighting hate and ignorance with anger and more hate will never be the answer. Your father should be pitied, not yelled out about how mean he is by a 10 year old. You can show intolerance of his opinions in other ways. They way you handled it for example, was perfect, and not disrespectful.

Kids need to learn that these types of feelings are unfortunately quite plentiful in today’s world. My 81 year old mother uses a religious or racial moniker on everyone she talks about, and it drives me crazy. “My jewish friend at the center”, “the oriental girl at the market”. I try my best to make them learning moments for my kids.

 

[Crankyshank]

In my experience is was my mom and having to stress that they were called Brazil nuts. No true racists, just people who had not heard enough that they were called Brazil nuts.

With us it was "n babies" instead of little pieces of black licorice. He still calls them that

The area I grew up in used to be very ethnically segregated for a small town, like most areas I guess, and I always encountered people that used ethnic slurs because of resentment against other nationalities. Being of mixed heritage, my Dad explaining about the history of this really helped me a lot

 

[akhenaten]

Personally, I wouldn't have made my child apologize. I don't think bigoted behavior demands respect. If it were my father, I would have told him we don't speak that way in my home, and that I was proud of my child for not having the same type of views, and that he owed my child the apology for speaking that way of her friends, and me an apology for speaking that way in my home.

My relationship with my parents has always been tumultuous though, so I will honestly say I don't worry about offending them, and I have a hard time with the concept of respecting someone solely because they are my "elder." I know not everyone thinks that way though.

I have a great relationship with my parents...but I agree with you. I don't think I would have had my child apologize.......the person who used the bigoted remark is the one who needs to apologize!!

 

[va32h]

I have a great relationship with my parents...but I agree with you. I don't think I would have had my child apologize.......the person who used the bigoted remark is the one who needs to apologize!!

I just want to clarify, I did not ask my daughter to apologize for her feelings, or for standing up for what she believed in. I only asked her to apologize for yelling at her grandfather and calling him names.

I would have made her apologize for yelling and name calling whether it was my dad or her younger brother or the boy across the street.

We currently live in Texas, so she is well aware of the controversy surrounding immigration, whether or not people speak English, and other inter-racial conflicts. We have talked about other opinions that people have, and why a person's age or background might be the reason (but not the excuse) for having certain feelings.

I have also always taught my kids that saying "It's just my opinion" is not an excuse - opinions can definitely be right or wrong!

But it is hard to accept that someone you love can believe something that is fundamentally repugnant to you. And this is something we will have to work on.

In terms of my husband's reaction, he was raised in a house where you never questioned authority, whereas I was raised in a loud, opinionated household where we always had debates and disagreements (btw, I was raised by my MOM!) And my husband is in the Army, so that further reinforces the "don't argue with authority figures" attitude. So he and I will have to work that out between us.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Op, you did very well on all counts. In my opinion, that is how racism ends before it starts. By teaching children that its not something to be felt and shown just because their elders/friends feel that way. You have clearly done a good job with your dd, since she, on her own accord stood up for what is right.

And I have to laugh or rather wince at the Brazil nuts comments. I was at a party a few years ago and one of my friend's husband's called them by their racial nickname. I have never seen 15 people go so quiet, so quickly. It was pretty upsetting that in the 21st century someone who is young and educated would use that term in public, like it was no big deal. When he was called on it, he said his grandpa always called them that and it just stuck with him. I guess his mom hadn't brought him up to realize that even grandpa can be very, very wrong.

 

[Daisy Chick]

I wouldn't let my kids insult any adult for any reason - especially their grandparents. I'd have told the kid to apologize for the yelling and name-calling, too. But not for being a decent person, of course.

My grandpa was a big racist. Not just a racist, he didn't like black people, gay people, rich people, any form of religion, republicans, wasn't too big on women...he just sort of hated everyone. Honestly don't remember what my parents first told me about him. I just knew he was kind of goofy like that and never commented when he said something mean.

Everyone has to handle this stuff in their own way. I'm sure your DD will, too, and she'll grow up to handle well, too, I think.

 

[meandtheguys2]

OP, I agree with you having your daughter apologize. It was inappropriate to call her grandfather a "name." Not for disagreeing, but the way she dealt with it. More adults need to learn that!