How Would You Have Handled This?

[va32h]

My dad was over visiting, and we were watching the news and he made a comment about one of the news stories that was really racially insensitive, to put it mildly.


My 10yo daughter heard him, and burst into tears. She told him that several of her friends were Hispanic, and that what he said was horrible and mean, and that he was a mean old man. Then she ran to her room.

My dad was upset of course, and told me that dd is "too sensitive" and needs to learn how the real world works. I told him that I happened to agree with dd's opinion, and that in the "real world" you can't go around making prejudiced comments and expecting people not to be upset with you.

I did say that dd would have to apologize for being disrespectful to her grandfather, but that I would totally support her for feeling the way she did.

And I did, in fact, have her apologize, but I also said, in front of dd, that prejudiced comments were not allowed in our household by anyone.

Now my husband has brought up that I was being disrespectful to my own dad by saying that, which is probably why dd thought it was okay to yell at her grandfather like that.

So how do you balance "respect for your elders" with "fundamentally opposing what they stand for"?

 

[meandtheguys2]

I don't think it is disrespectful to say that prejudice is not allowed in your home. Had you been demeaning to him, etc. That would be different. It seams to me you just stated your views.

I disagree with my parents, and my children on occasion. Most of the time I think I pull it off without being disrespectful.

 

[Sandy V.]

I think that you handled it perfectly. I wouldn't have changed a thing. As for your DD "yelling" at her grandfather, well, we're all human and EVERYONE "yells" from time to time. I think that your DH is making too much of a big deal about it.

Your father needs to remember that it is YOUR house and YOUR child and you have certain values, morals, rules, and standards that HE needs to respect.

 

[Lachesis00]

It is so sad prejudice is alive and strong today. Sadly my family (not myself or my husband nor hopefully my son are included) is right up there with the best of them I am ashamed to say.

Just this weekend my mom made some crack in front of my 3 nephews (5, almost 7 and 9, plus my son who is 15), for the life of me, I can not remember what my son said it was but it was a doozy. When my son said something, her excuse "Well thats what we called them when I was your age..." Now does that make it any more right to say something so rude? My son was shocked to hear grandma say something like that.

Both my mom and dad's side of the family have no problems making quips about other races. Often it is out of the blue and you get side swiped. When Joey was little, 3 or 4, my Uncle hid his bike (my aunt and he rode to the local mall) and said this little boy, couldn't have been more then 5 or 6, and was of mixed race... I can't remember, but they said he was black, took the bike! They wanted my son to 'go get his bike back' and thought it was funny.
My sister and her boyfriend say they are not racist, but he is THE worst of anyone I know.

I really worry my nephews are gonna get the snot beat out of them for making some bad remarks... they know no better (I do not see them real often, and we never make such remarks in our house).

Sadly I have often thought if my family was from the south, they would probably be leading the KKK.
It discusts me my family is so racist. I am married to an eskimo...my dad calls him an oreo... white on the inside, dark on the outside. Real funny dad! *angry look* My dad really likes him a lot, but this is their mentality.

 

[Goofyluver]

I don't think you were disrespectful at all. I have called my own father on making some horrible remarks in front of my son. I told him he must apologize to my son. I think it was wonderful that you made your DD apologize, but I would have also insisted that my father do the same. Just because you don't intend to hurt someone's feelings, doesn't mean we shouldn't be big enough to say we're sorry. Good for you for standing up to your father.

 

[dmslush]

It is not disrespectful to disagree with someone, or to remind someone of a rule in your home. Yelling is disrespectful, and you dd apologized for her actions. I don't see that you were being disrespectful to your father in anyway what so ever.

Lachesis00, my fiance is an Eskimo, and I think I would DIE if someone called him an Oreo. That is just awful!!

 

[kelleigh1]

Honestly, I think your father should have apologized to your daughter too, but if your father is anything like mine, that will never happen.

It's not an excuse, but we're definitely in different times and many people from our parents generation still think it's ok to judge someone by the color of their skin, their nationality or their religion. At least you're teaching your daughter not to judge people.

 

[cardaway]

My dad was over visiting, and we were watching the news and he made a comment about one of the news stories that was really racially insensitive, to put it mildly.


My 10yo daughter heard him, and burst into tears. She told him that several of her friends were Hispanic, and that what he said was horrible and mean, and that he was a mean old man. Then she ran to her room.

My dad was upset of course, and told me that dd is "too sensitive" and needs to learn how the real world works. I told him that I happened to agree with dd's opinion, and that in the "real world" you can't go around making prejudiced comments and expecting people not to be upset with you.

I did say that dd would have to apologize for being disrespectful to her grandfather, but that I would totally support her for feeling the way she did.

And I did, in fact, have her apologize, but I also said, in front of dd, that prejudiced comments were not allowed in our household by anyone.

Perfect all the way around IMO.

 

[Hedy]

I think that you handled it perfectly. I wouldn't have changed a thing. As for your DD "yelling" at her grandfather, well, we're all human and EVERYONE "yells" from time to time. I think that your DH is making too much of a big deal about it.

Your father needs to remember that it is YOUR house and YOUR child and you have certain values, morals, rules, and standards that HE needs to respect.

Agreed. Kudos to your DD for being so intelligent at a young age.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Perfect all the way around IMO.

 

[deekaypee]

I think you did just fine for the circumstances as they evolved. I hope you don't take this as too much unsolicited advice, but I would see this as the first of many separate conversations--at less emotionally volatile times--with your DD, DH and your father.

I think your DD is aware of your household's values when it comes to prejudice and racism--and congratulations on that!--but you might consider the conversations about how to respond to others' comments. I, for one, admire her for being willing to speak out against racism, especially since she was confronting an adult whom she loves. She shouldn't tolerate those statement, IMO, although perhaps you, your DH, and you could brainstorm some responses that would balance respect with confrontation. For example, I think it's appropriate for your daughter to say she disagrees with everything your says and then ask to be excused from his presence. When she's older, she might engage in more extensive conversations with him.

It also sounds like your family might benefit from a "policy" on how do deal with such situations in the future--because I believe this isn't the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last time. You and DH should probably be on the same page.

As for your father, I think you need to have a conversation that expresses how much you love him and want him to have a good relationship with his DGD and with you. But you also want to let him know that you are raising her with your values and that you would hope he would respect your wishes, not only in your household but in all his interactions with your family. If he can't do that, perhaps his contact with your DD should be limited.

And even as I write this, I'm aware that I'm reading my own situation into yours. Know that my ideas come very much from having to make decisions about how much contact to have with my own family. My own baggage, in other words. Take it for it's worth. Again--I applaud you for raising your DD with such strength of character.

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

Perfect all the way around IMO.

Op - I would have done the same.

 

[Lachesis00]

My husband was adopted by a white family, so apparently that makes him more 'white' then other eskimos . He 'acts' white, 'talks' white, he just doesn't have white skin color.

It doesn't bug my husband... then again my dad calls him Chief as a nickname. While it is endearing, at the same time, I think there is some underlying issues there.

Lachesis00, my fiance is an Eskimo, and I think I would DIE if someone called him an Oreo. That is just awful!!

 

[Aidensmom]

Personally, I wouldn't have made my child apologize. I don't think bigoted behavior demands respect. If it were my father, I would have told him we don't speak that way in my home, and that I was proud of my child for not having the same type of views, and that he owed my child the apology for speaking that way of her friends, and me an apology for speaking that way in my home.

My relationship with my parents has always been tumultuous though, so I will honestly say I don't worry about offending them, and I have a hard time with the concept of respecting someone solely because they are my "elder." I know not everyone thinks that way though.

 

[va32h]

Aidensmom, I don't necessarily disagree with you. Once dd was out of earshot, I lit into my dad pretty fiercely.

He did apologize to her for hurting her feelings - but without acknowledging that he was wrong, because of course he doesn't think it is wrong to feel the way he does.

He did mumble something about "different opinions" but I just said it wasn't a question of opinion, but of something being morally right or wrong, and that I am bringing my kids up to believe that prejudice is ethically and morally wrong, period.

But on the other hand, I don't want my kids to go around yelling at adults. I think I will talk to dd about the best way to react to this situation, because my dad was right about one thing, in the "real world" she will have to hear stuff like that.

 

[mickeyboat]

But on the other hand, I don't want my kids to go around yelling at adults. I think I will talk to dd about the best way to react to this situation, because my dad was right about one thing, in the "real world" she will have to hear stuff like that.

I think I would definitely stress this, and it is where I would focus most of my energy. I certainly would tell my father that I would prefer he refrain from tht kind of talk in my home. But I would also make sure my daughter knows that there are lots of people in the world you will not like, and will not agree with, and who wil say things you don't like. You can disagree with them and still remain respectful.

Denae

 

[ZPT1022]

I would explain to your DD, that while it is not right, that grandpa holds certain (again, wrong) beliefs, and constructive things she can say in return or even just how to ignore. I know this is different, but we're vegetarian. My mom makes snotty comments when my daughter will say something. I've let the kids make their own choices with the veg. thing, but DD doesn't understand why we would kill and eat God's creatures. She came up with that on her own. My mom makes snotty comments about "because they taste good" and other such things. I've had to explain to DD that sometimes we just ignore other people's comments and know in our hearts that we are doing the right thing.

 

[dmslush]

My husband was adopted by a white family, so apparently that makes him more 'white' then other eskimos . He 'acts' white, 'talks' white, he just doesn't have white skin color.

It doesn't bug my husband... then again my dad calls him Chief as a nickname. While it is endearing, at the same time, I think there is some underlying issues there.

How interesting! My DF's father was actually Caucasian, his mother Eskimo. He was raised solely by his 'white' father, and was the only dark skinned person in the family at that point (father and mother divorced). So all of his mannerisms are 'white' also.

 

[Briarmom]

Personally, I wouldn't have made my child apologize. I don't think bigoted behavior demands respect. If it were my father, I would have told him we don't speak that way in my home, and that I was proud of my child for not having the same type of views, and that he owed my child the apology for speaking that way of her friends, and me an apology for speaking that way in my home.

I agree.

My father once made a racial slur (before I had kids) and I told him that if he ever said anything like that in front of me again, he'd never see me again. I still feel the same way. If he were to ever say anything like that in my home, I'd take him to the nearest hotel and bid him farewell.

Racism is not tolerated in my house. It is definately not tolerated around my kids.

 

[java]

I have caught my mom right in the middle of saying something racist- ( I am married to a hispanic by the way...) and I will tell her to zip it. I say if that is the way she thinks I no longer need to have that discussion with her. I also remind her that her Grandchildren are half hispanic so whatever she is saying about "hispanic" she is saying about my children. So she has voiced her racism towards other races in front of me instead. I have told her that falls under the same category to me. I am always shocked to hear this.
OP I would not have made my daughter apologize. What she said was right on the money. He was being mean and insensitive. I applaud your daughter for standing up for her friends and for knowing more than her bigot of a grandfather! I would point out that his narrow minded views were not welcome in my home. My Dad is not a bigot but a Republican and I won't allow him to instill any political beliefs on my children. The 2 fall under the same category. I don't believe that just being old means you deserve respect. You have to earn it. If you act in a manner that openly shows your ignorance how can you expect to have respect?