How to get out of Christmas--UPDATED OCT 1 page 5

[Wishing on a star]

Are plans in the works?
If not, then you don't have a problem, just yet!!!

I would NOT be the one to be the first to bring this up.
Just sayin'

I also agree the no 'justification' is necessary...
"DH and I and the family, have other plans."
Or, "We will be ________________."

 

[AppleDumpling]

So sorry that you have to deal with this. From your description, I don't know why your sisters want to spend time with you at all. It doesn't sound like they even like you.

Let them know you won't be hosting the holiday. That you want to have a peaceful holiday celebration with your immediate family, with no stress and negativity. I think you need to be honest and nip it in the bud now, despite how hard and painful it may be for you. Sure, you could go away on vacation, but you shouldn't have to do that to escape this toxic environment. It's your right to celebrate at home (if that's what you wish) with your husband and children, doing whatever makes you happy.

Don't feel guilty. It seems like you have put up with it long enough. Love yourself enough to put your own needs (and those of DH and DC) first.

 

[tarheel618]

Go on vacation. Tell the family you are starting a new holiday tradition.

This is what I was going to recommend. Do a cruise.

If you can't go on vacation. I would let everyone know NOW that you will not be hosting Christmas Eve or Christmas Day this year. I wouldn't give an explanation as to why. If asked I would just say its not up for negotaition and that is why you have given everyone advanced notice.

 

[belleatdisney]

I had a similar situation, hugs.
No matter what I did it was never enough. At a certain point I refused to pretend and participate in the warped family dynamic.
To answer your question. Just say no or simply do not invite them. I started saying no and not changing my mind which was unacceptable to my family. The beginning of the end was my desire to go to Disney for Christmas, I wanted a Christmas of doing what I wanted not what they demanded. I have not spoken to any of them in years.
I will say that the holidays are peaceful and pleasant. I no longer dread them. Some years we go to Disney, some we stay home-just us.

 

[VandVsmama]

Just posting to see if anyone has any advice on how I might get out of hosting/spending Christmas Eve with my sisters.

We have a very strained relationship due to a split in the family that occurred almost three years ago.

Additionally, my youngest sister completely ignored the birthdays of my husband, daughter and twins this year. Even a text would have sufficed and it's left me very hurt. I plan on speaking to her about this the next time she gets in touch. So not sure what the outcome of that conversation will be.

As a result I really don't feel like spending this special day with them but I'm not sure how to approach the issue.

If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.

My random thoughts in no particular order about your situation:

1. DO NOT host Christmas Eve with your sisters.
2. DO NOT participate in any Christmas Eve festivities with your sisters. Even if it's at 1 of their homes or a neutral location.
3. This is YOUR family's holiday. You are under NO obligation to spend it with people who despise you.
4. You should make plans for Christmas Eve for whatever YOU and YOUR FAMILY wants to do. Maybe this is a good year to start a new tradition. Go to a Christmas Eve service at a church you haven't tried before. Or invite some friends over instead for Christmas Eve dinner. Or go out for Christmas Eve dinner. Or go to the movies.
5. Go out and buy a copy of the book Toxic Parents and read it. It will explain a lot of what you're going through.
6. You are being ostracized because you have upset the extended family dynamic. You've upset the apple cart, basically, and your parents are mad at you because of it. And your sisters are mad at you, too, maybe because this means that there's more focus on them. So the easiest thing for all of them to do is to focus all of their anger and hostility on the person who left the situation (you)...because dealing with the huge elephant in the room (your toxic narcissist parent) is far too scary for them.
7. Just expect that whatever you do, your siblings will be mad at you. You will never do anything right in their eyes unless you decide to return to the fold with the old toxic family dynamic.
8. It's normal for a normal adult to establish proper boundaries with other adults in his/her life. This is actually a really healthy thing you're doing. But your family of origin can't see that. They can't see the forest for the trees. All they know is that you've upset their delicate family balance and for doing that, you are being treated this way.
9. With family like that, who needs enemies?
10. Do you HAVE to spend Christmas Eve with them? OF COURSE NOT! YOU ARE AN ADULT! And you do NOT have to go and spend thousands of dollars in an expensive Christmas week vacation out of the area in order to escape them...EVEN IF they live in the same city as you!
11. If you want to give them or their kids Christmas gifts, go ahead. But mail them to their residences. Don't exchange gifts in person.
12. When your sisters bug you about Christmas Eve, tell them that you're busy and you have other plans. You are not obligated to tell them what the specific plans are. IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!

 

[quandrea]

So sorry that you have to deal with this. From your description, I don't know why your sisters want to spend time with you at all. It doesn't sound like they even like you.

Told my sister this just last week.

1. You are being ostracized because you have upset the extended family dynamic. You've upset the apple cart, basically, and your parents are mad at you because of it. And your sisters are mad at you, too, maybe because this means that there's more focus on them. So the easiest thing for all of them to do is to focus all of their anger and hostility on the person who left the situation (you)...because dealing with the huge elephant in the room (your toxic narcissist parent) is far too scary for them.

I'm aware of all this, which believe me, helps a lot. It's funny, I shed light on the problem and then I'm labelled the liar, the drama queen, the controller, the one without lacking empathy.

My only crime has been growing up, marrying and making a family of my own. It's not allowed in my family and I'm the only sibling who has done it. Just this week, my sister was lamenting that I'm not the same as I was in my 20s. I'm forty five now.

Thanks so much to everyone. It's helped me more today than you can know. I spoke with dh this morning and he supports my decision to forego Christmas Eve. I'm sure he is secretly thrilled, as he has little patience for the mess at this point. He really deserves a parade thrown in his honour for the tolerance for bad behaviour he has displayed.

I'll write to my sisters in a week or two letting them know our plans. The children are in the church Christmas pageant so should they press me, I will just cite that as my reason for shaking things up. Last year the kids had the pageant and I bent over backwards fitting it in along with hosting Christmas Eve. It doesn't do me any good, so this year I'll keep it easy on myself.

 

[quandrea]

Not sure why my reply above is laid out so strangely....I need to master multi quoting.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

Not sure why my reply above is laid out so strangely....I need to master multi quoting.

When replying to a quote, your reply needs to be outside the [ QUOTE ] barriers.

In response to this "I'll write to my sisters in a week or two letting them know our plans."

Do you need to tell them your plans? Why not just not say anything? Wait and see if anyone asks you. Then just say "Oh, we made other plans this year." No need to tell them what the plans are, just "we've already made plans".

By writing before anyone starts talking about it, you're again setting yourself up for another attack.

 

[quandrea]

When replying to a quote, your reply needs to be outside the [ QUOTE ] barriers.

Thanks. Next time I'll get it right.

 

[NHdisneylover]

When replying to a quote, your reply needs to be outside the [ QUOTE ] barriers.

In response to this "I'll write to my sisters in a week or two letting them know our plans."

Do you need to tell them your plans? Why not just not say anything? Wait and see if anyone asks you. Then just say "Oh, we made other plans this year." No need to tell them what the plans are, just "we've already made plans".

By writing before anyone starts talking about it, you're again setting yourself up for another attack.

Personally, I feel with holidays and plans that have happened for a few (or more) years in a row--it is better for the "assumed host" to let people know right away if they have decided not to host anymore. If you know people are likely planning their holiday around a "traditional" event in your home, it's kind of rude and almost like strining them along to not inform them it is not going to happen oince you decide that is the case.
It sounds like OP is a nice, polite, reasonable person who has been stuck with a family who treats her terribly. She can't control their actions--but she can control hers. She can free herself from spending holidays with them and also know that she is being fair and nice in how she hadnles it too.

 

[belleatdisney]

OP sorry I did not give advice but my experience. I submitted too quickly.

That said-you are an adult and can simply say no. No explanation needed.
"I have other plans" is not a lie, even if your plans are sitting in front of the tv Sometimes people like this demand explanations.
You might want to send an email that you are not hosting if this has been tradition for years. Give them notice to make other plans.
Take care of yourself and your immediate family. Make the holidays what you want them to be.

 

[kimblebee]

I wish I could opt out of Christmas entirely. I mean the entire holiday.

Neither Mrs. Homie nor I believe in the religion behind the holiday, yet that doesn't stop her from decorating the house to the nines. We are so broke we can't even pay attention, yet we somehow have to come up with money to buy gifts for people we don't even like (seriously, neither of us like her dad, so let's just stop buying him Christmas gifts, MMMkay?). Then we have to buy gifts for each other, plus travel to my side of the family... ugh.

I wish we could just erase the holiday from our calendars.

I'm with you about the gift part. My family is pretty big when spouses and kids are added it. We really struggled to buy gifts for everyone. Last year, we switched to drawing names and just buying a gift for that one person. It works out a little better for us now.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I wish I could opt out of Christmas entirely. I mean the entire holiday.

Neither Mrs. Homie nor I believe in the religion behind the holiday, yet that doesn't stop her from decorating the house to the nines. We are so broke we can't even pay attention, yet we somehow have to come up with money to buy gifts for people we don't even like (seriously, neither of us like her dad, so let's just stop buying him Christmas gifts, MMMkay?). Then we have to buy gifts for each other, plus travel to my side of the family... ugh.

I wish we could just erase the holiday from our calendars.

Why don't you talk to your wife about cutting back some? Let your side "give" firrst by not travelling to your family and letting her know you really do not want a pricey gift.
You're probably not going to manage to stop all teh things you don't like in one year, but perhaps you can cut out 1-2 things per year.

 

[nancygirl1]

We have decided for various reasons not to go to the usual relatives house that hosts Christmas Day.

We're just going to say that we've decided to spend Christmas with just our family of 5 on Christmas. No explanation, no excuses just we would rather be home just us.

Simple and uncomplicated.

I would say for you OP, the simpler and most straight forward the better.

 

[quandrea]

When replying to a quote, your reply needs to be outside the [ QUOTE ] barriers.

In response to this "I'll write to my sisters in a week or two letting them know our plans."

Do you need to tell them your plans? Why not just not say anything? Wait and see if anyone asks you. Then just say "Oh, we made other plans this year." No need to tell them what the plans are, just "we've already made plans".

By writing before anyone starts talking about it, you're again setting yourself up for another attack.

Will do. Old habits die hard.

 

[SallySkelington]

See my response above. This is all good advice.

As Tipsy Traveler intimated, the family dynamics at work here are pretty bad. Three years ago (this coming Christmas, actually), I told my brother I would no longer be lying for him. A domino effect ensued, which culminated in my parents disowning me. They have not seen nor spoken to me or their grandchildren since. My sisters have made no secret of the fact that they disagree with me but continue to see me because I'm their sister. They also see no reason why they can't repeatedly tell me how awful a person I am.

Through reading and some counselling I now understand that my family is enmeshed and any assertion of control of my own life is met as a betrayal. My father is a narcissist. He's launched a smear campaign against me and my husband, telling mutual acquaintances about how lost I am, how in need of help I am. My brother's unhealthy behaviour is met with sympathy and rescuing. My behaviour is viewed by the family as threatening,when in actual fact, I'm really just behaving as any normal adult women with a husband and children would behave.

Thus, cancelling Christmas with my sisters will just be more "naughty" behaviour from me. I know the mess it will create, but ultimately I'm ready for that because I just can't sit down to Christmas with them this year. It's been a bad year where they are concerned.

Sorry for the long post.

If they act like that towards you and your family I would tell them. They seem pretty toxic and you deserve a nice holiday where you don't feel judged. I would probably pull a 'Christmas with the Kranks' and go on a nice cruise or vacation.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Quandrea, I am just reading your update, quoted in the post above....
You have more fully described the dynamics, and have openly stated that your father is a Narcessist.

I am going to assume that it is true that your father, and other family members, are indeed Narcisstic, and afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
The examples that you have given are just SO classic.
I mean, totally classic.
I have dealt with this... Been there done that.

The thing with people like this, as you have so very eloquently described, is that you are the 'scapegoat'.
The true terminology for this is that you are their chosen victim.

And, this is an inherent, permanent, neurological affliction.
In other words... no matter how hard you try, and no matter how much you may wishful-think that things could improve.
This is just not going to happen.
It is like, impossible.

Boundaries are KEY here.
And, IMHO, bringing this up to them, bringing this up for discussion, is just playing right into their abilities to victimize you.
They will latch onto this like a rodent that bites and will simply not release.....

As I had mentioned earlier, I would not be the first to mention this.
When one of them brings it up... And, yes, there will be some comment about Christmas. Surely they do not expect to show up at your doorstep with absolutely no communication in advance...
Then, do as several of us are advising...

"DH and I will not be doing this year...."
"DH and I have other plans...."

Lather, Rinse, Repeat... repeat... repeat...
NO discussion or 'justification'.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OMG!!!!!
We just LOVE that movie "Christmas with the Kranks!!!!"
Finding a cabin on cruise, over the actual Christmas Eve / Christmas holidays, might be getting difficult already...
This is a very busy and popular time to cruise/travel.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Last week my sister shared family news, along with the point about what a mess things are, how things aren't the same, how I've done awful things blah, blah, blah. I've asked her not to share family news going forward because I feel it serves no positive function. We will see if that helps things at all.

I see that you are making comments, like the one above, about how you ASKED her not to share family news... (seriously.... you have no control over her)
She is going to do what she wants to do.... regardless... period.

I notice how you might mention the pageant as a 'reason' or 'justification'.
Do not even try to do this....
You do understand that this pageant thing will just blow up in your face and be used against you.
The thing with this personality disorder is that NOTHING can ever, ever, be more important than the Narcissist.

How DARE you let something important for your children/family and affect your ability to meet THEIR needs and desires.
Which, of course, having a captive 'chosen victim' IS def. a need for a person with NPD.

Quandrea, you really need to just disenage... See this for what it is... Quit trying to ask/expect them to 'be respectful'. Quit trying to control lthings in an effort to 'make it better'.
And, definitely, quit explaining and feeling that you need to 'justify' anything.

Disengage...
LET IT GO....
This can make all the difference.

 

[Micca]

Tell 'em you're out of town at Christmas but you just got a big promotion at work and you're celebrating next Tuesday night at Arby's. "Hope you can make it.!"