How to be Happy and More Optimistic? It's my New Year's Resolution and I need help!

[Rora]

I'm not sure if anyone's read one of my past threads about having anxiety. Regardless, I suffer from anxiety and with this coming New Year, I want to adopt a new attitude: to be happier and be more relaxed. My anxiety and ability to overreact to things has come between me and my DFiance (yesterday he told me I was "chronically unhappy") and affects my day in general. I want to change this.

Can anyone offer advice on how to start? I know this isn't going to be easy- I've been this way since I was little. I'm looking for any suggestions on how to let go of worries, adopt a happier attitude and pick and choose my battles.
I know some people have a "Grateful Journal" where every day they write about their day and at the end they write what was good and what they are grateful for. Has anyone tried this? Any success here?

This is a big year for DFi and I. Our wedding is in April. He is joining the Police Academy (hopefully- depending on when he finishes his Masters). And my soon to be MIL is controlling and dislikes me a great deal .

Please, no comments on my coming marriage- he and I know that we want to be together. We've been together for almost 10 years.

Thank you for any and all help!

 

[FireDancer]

I live my life by the serenity prayer: I change the things I can not accept and accept the things I can not change.

I'm not sure how to spell out how to do it. I've always been very laid back and don't really worry much. If the worrisome thing is something I have a say in I do what I can to accomplish the outcome I desire instead of worrying unproductively. If I can't do anything about it (like while waiting for the results of an ultrasound I had) I just don't worry. What it is it will be whether it causes me stress or not. I am very good at looking at everything logically and not emotionally but I have no way of explaining the process.

It just seems like one of those personality traits that are ingrained in us. Good luck with the resolution. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm not sure if anyone's read one of my past threads about having anxiety. Regardless, I suffer from anxiety and with this coming New Year, I want to adopt a new attitude: to be happier and be more relaxed. My anxiety and ability to overreact to things has come between me and my DFiance (yesterday he told me I was "chronically unhappy") and affects my day in general. I want to change this.

Can anyone offer advice on how to start? I know this isn't going to be easy- I've been this way since I was little. I'm looking for any suggestions on how to let go of worries, adopt a happier attitude and pick and choose my battles.
I know some people have a "Grateful Journal" where every day they write about their day and at the end they write what was good and what they are grateful for. Has anyone tried this? Any success here?

This is a big year for DFi and I. Our wedding is in April. He is joining the Police Academy (hopefully- depending on when he finishes his Masters). And my soon to be MIL is controlling and dislikes me a great deal .

Please, no comments on my coming marriage- he and I know that we want to be together. We've been together for almost 10 years.

Thank you for any and all help!

My dd is getting counseling for anxiety. Basically you pinpoint what you want to work on, keep it simple, and then you target how to think differently about the situation.

You put the pros on one side and the cons on the other. Everytime you start with the con side of the paper you pull it out and start reading the pro side. It is to get you actively thinking positive and realizing that your anxiety is mostly not reality.

Right now dd is working on identifying that moment when she feels the beginning of her anxiety before it builds. Still working on that one.

It is a slow process and really a matter of learning how to deal with your anxiety in a healthier way.

 

[Christine]

It just seems like one of those personality traits that are ingrained in us. Good luck with the resolution. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

I agree, some types of personalities just really can't be *changed* especially if you recognize it's a life long pattern. Some people are worriers, some are laid back, some people are naive, some trusting, some cynical, some analytical, etc. You can see this in babies!!!

I'm not sure you can change it but you can try to be more cognizant of it and how you come off to people. For instance, I am a very cynical person and tend to overthink things. The good news is that my best friend is just like me and we go wild together with our cynicism and it's great!! However, I have learned to recognize that it can be VERY offputting to those who don't have a cynical bone in their body. So, around them, I fake it. I modify my behavior and I don't let them see that part of me. Sure, I can probably never have a strong relationship with those who can't take that aspect of my personality but that's okay.

So, I think you can work on trying to moderate your worries or how vocal you are (or how much you drag your fiance into them). Also, find some other people that think a bit like you do who can be around when you need to "vent" them.

 

[dallastxcpa]

Two years ago I was diagnosed with a digestive disorder. While it is not caused by stress it is greatly affected by it. I was in such bad shape that I didn't want to eat and I had days that I didn't even get out of bed I felt so bad.

I got tired of being that way and realized that the constant worrying was affecting my well being. Anxiety and worry really does take a toll on your body. It is very hard to let go of those feelings. Someone mentioned the serenity prayer above which is very good. Just take it one day and one situation at a time. Next time something comes up just ask yourself "Will this matter to me in 10 or 20 years?"

I wish you the best in your endevour. Wedding planning can be very stressful so in the coming months just take a deep breath and remember it's not about the ceremony, but about the commitment your making to someone who loves you dearly.

Lorrie

 

[bgohre]

OP, my sister has the same problem while I'm pretty much just the opposite. Sometimes I think she looks for things to be unhappy about because that just who she is. I always tell her that if she doesn't change, she's going to die way to young. She has high blood pressure, takes anxiety meds...it's crazy how different we are.

I truly believe that it's all about attitude and how you percieve things. You just need to remind yourself everyday about the things you are thankful for. Whenever anything bad happens I always thank God for not making it worse and keep me and my family safe.

The little things are the things that tend to drive most people crazy, but those are also the things that you cannot control. One of the PP said it best "I change the things I can not accept and accept the things I can not change".

I see you're getting married, here is one tip. Remember the day is about you and your fiance. So when the flowers don't look right and the cake is F'd up, guests are getting cranky and your bridesmaid are complaining about their dress, remember one thing. As long as you, your fiance and the preacher show up, that is truly all that matters.

Good luck.

 

[CapeMayMommy]

start some kind of mind clearing meditative practice.

anxiety and depession are driven by internal thoughts that chatter endlessly and have nothing positive to offer you.

work on a meditative practice for a few minutes a day and build up to longer periods of time. work on teaching your mind silence.

wisdom comes when the mind is quiet.

anxiety is mind chatter.

the mind can be trained to be calm.

 

[polyfan]

I was prescribed Lexapro a year and 1/2 ago and it has made a world of difference. I didn't like the thought of taking a pill, but after about 6 weeks I could really notice a difference. I do not have the same anxiety as before, I am much more positive about things in general. I can't tell you how much better it has made things.

 

[Tink888]

I'm not sure if anyone's read one of my past threads about having anxiety. Regardless, I suffer from anxiety and with this coming New Year, I want to adopt a new attitude: to be happier and be more relaxed. My anxiety and ability to overreact to things has come between me and my DFiance (yesterday he told me I was "chronically unhappy") and affects my day in general. I want to change this.

Can anyone offer advice on how to start? I know this isn't going to be easy- I've been this way since I was little. I'm looking for any suggestions on how to let go of worries, adopt a happier attitude and pick and choose my battles.
I know some people have a "Grateful Journal" where every day they write about their day and at the end they write what was good and what they are grateful for. Has anyone tried this? Any success here?

This is a big year for DFi and I. Our wedding is in April. He is joining the Police Academy (hopefully- depending on when he finishes his Masters). And my soon to be MIL is controlling and dislikes me a great deal .

Please, no comments on my coming marriage- he and I know that we want to be together. We've been together for almost 10 years.

Thank you for any and all help!

Gratitude journals DO work!!! Every day write down at least one thing you are thankful for, more if you can think of them. It can be anything from family to a sunny day to your favorite food. I tried this and I did notice after two weeks that I had a more positive attitude and was more focused on the things that were right in my life as opposed to things I thought were wrong.

The nice thing also is that when you find yourself having a bad day, you can go back and read what you wrote and be immediately reminded of all the good things in your life.

As to worrying, another poster suggested the serenity prayer and it's a very good suggestion. It's a cold, hard fact that we can't control what will happen.....we can spend time and energy worrying about all the what-ifs in life but chances are that when something bad does actually happen, it will be something that was never on our radar anyway. So, we do what we can and let the rest of it go and take life as it comes.

When you do find yourself really worried about something, talk to someone about it. Chances are that you've made it out to be a hundred times worse in your own mind and you can decrease the anxiety you feel just by talking about it.

Lastly, SMILE.....it sounds corny but it's true.....we are happier when we smile so remind yourself every day to smile.

Positive energy attracts positive energy. You can change the way you think. It won't happen overnight, you have to work at it but it can be done, you will notice a difference and you will love the change you've made.

Happy New Year and best of luck to you!!

 

[TheBigBadWolf]

I have a negative personality by nature, and have to work hard to keep a positive outlook on life. Keeping a gratitude journal has helped keep me on track, although I struggle with negativity. Another thing that has helped me tremendously are the 'Positivity' CDs by Paul McKenna. McKenna is a world renown hypnotist who works with musicians, movie stars, and just average people. He is very good. Some of my favorites of the 10 CD 'Positivity' set includes:

The Secrets of Inner Happiness and Contentment
The Power of a Positive Perspective
Radiant Health - The Keys To Well Being
Master Your Emotions & Run Your Own Brain

Each CD has a conscious mind track where McKenna explains how to change your life through positive thinking. The second half of each CD is a hypnosis track to program your mind. These CDs are very helpful, but hard to find. I bought mine on eBay, used, out of England.

Good luck. If none of the suggestions you've received here work for you, you might have to consider meds. I would try other alternatives first though, if at all possible.

 

[AshleyW]

My biggest piece of advice is actually a book that you should read.. The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. Basically, it's an interview between a doctor (if I remember right, he's a psychiatrist) and the Dalai Lama about happiness and how to deal with anxiety, stress, unpleasant people, etc. My DFi both had some anxiety problems and this book really helped us both get control over things and have a little better outlook on life. I always thought it was dumb to think that a book could change how you live, but this one really did it for me. There are some elements of Buddhism in parts of the book, but it's easy to skip over if you're not interested in that.

Here's a link if you're interested:

http://www.amazon.com/Art-Happiness...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262195037&sr=8-1

 

[Judy in Texas]

My mother was always looking for someone or something to make her happy. She didn't realize or didn't want to see that happiness is an inside job. Especially in her later years she woke up every morning knowing in her heart that yesterday was a bad day and today is going to be even worse. It drove most everyone away from her. People who would have been there to support her, to take her places, stayed away in droves because they couldn't take the verbal abuse. I vowed I would never be like her.

When I was going through a divorce and working two jobs, I came home late one night in December to find that my daughter had pulled out the Christmas decorations and put the tree up all by herself. I had been feeling sorry for myself but realized that in spite of it all, there IS alot to be grateful for.

Gratitude journals DO work!!! Every day write down at least one thing you are thankful for, more if you can think of them. It can be anything from family to a sunny day to your favorite food.

I went to the book store and bought a blank journal. Everyday at the beginning, I wrote something down that I was grateful for. It doesn't have to be a journal... maybe brightly colored posty notes on the fridge.

You might give it a try. Good Luck!

 

[Rora]

Thank you to EVERYONE on this thread!

I will try all of your suggestions and hope for the best. Thanks for taking the time to help a fellow DISer out and if anyone has more suggestions, please, send them my way!!

Thank you again!

 

[Mamu]

There's a song with words that i've always lived by.

Keep smiling at trouble, for troubles are bubbles and bubbles will soon blow away.

 

[clovergirl5]

I was prescribed Lexapro a year and 1/2 ago and it has made a world of difference. I didn't like the thought of taking a pill, but after about 6 weeks I could really notice a difference. I do not have the same anxiety as before, I am much more positive about things in general. I can't tell you how much better it has made things.

I have always struggled with depression and anxiety. The sadness and worrying about EVERYTHING was ruining my life and my home life. I began taking antidepressants. Prozac, Wellbutrin and now Lexapro. My combination of Lexapro and Effexor(for anxiety) has worked tremendously for me. I also started seeing a therapist. My mood and feelings are so different now. I still have bad days, but they aren't everyday.

When all else fails, its ok to turn to prescribed antidepression/anti-anxiety meds. For some people like me, it is a chemical imbalance in the brain.

Good luck and best wishes in your upcoming nuptuals!

 

[minkydog]

I've suffered anxiety and depression for years, been hospitalized and taken strong meds, and seen doctors, specialists and therapists. I am finally in a good place where i have a minimal of anxiety and depression is under control. I don't have answers for you, but here are some things I'm doing to keep myself healthy.

**Volunteer to help someone who can't help themself. I go to a food bank for 2 hours every Thursday and with the help of another woman we pack about 40-48 boxes of food for needy families. We work *hard* too, lots of lifting, bending,and walking. When I leave there I'm tired, but my mood is GREAT because I know that someone is going to open one of my boxes and say "THANK GOD! My children won't go hungry this week."

**Find a way to get up and move. Walk, dance, sing, flap your arms around, just get up and move.

**Be sure the work you're doing is work you LOVE. Life it too short to spend 8hrs a day doing something that's wrong for you.

**Read books that are uplifting, especially if you read at bedtime. I just finished Sue Monk Kidd's "The Secret Life of Bees" which is about a troubled teen girl who falls in with the company of 3 bee-keeping sisters and finds her way in the world. Now I'm reading "Stones Into Schools", the sequel to "Three Cups of Tea", by Greg MOrtenson, the man who almost single handedly brought girls' education to the highlands of Pakistan and Afghanistan. When I read how difficult these peoples' lives are, I find it hard to remain focused on my own worries.

**Consider treatment. I have a very strong history of mental illness on both sides of my family. I could self-medicate with alcohol, like my brother does, or I could just scream, threaten and physically abuse people, like my father and mother did. I choose to seek out wiser people who can mentor me into a better place. I have a down to earth therapist who never tells me what to do, but allows me to figure things out in the safety of her office. I have another specialist who helps me with the chemical side of my anxiety and depression by fine-tuning a combiination of meds which have basically given me my life back.

I'm not pushing any agenda here. Some people find meds help a lot, others wouldn't think about putting chemicals in their body. What works for one, may not work for another. But I do find that if I can keep my attention on positive things and not allow myself to dwell and perseverate on things that make me anxious then I do pretty well.

 

[Docwoods]

It's wonderful that you want to improve yourself! Everyone has had some great ideas-mine is exercise! Yes,it's a pain,but just keep plugging away.Pretty soon,it becomes part of the fabric of the day-like flossing your teeth.Loads of benefits too!

 

[-Hope-]

I kept a gratitude journal for a long time and it changed my life... I no longer need to write things down because I can see it in the moment. I challenged myself to write five things that I was grateful for which happened specifically in that day. Sometimes it was something small like a new toothbrush and other times it was something much bigger like recovered health. Sometimes it was gratitude wrapped around something sad like the fact that I had such a great grandma to mourn when lots of people never knew theirs at all. I also wrote WHY I was grateful for each thing so it didn't become superficial. For example I was grateful for that new toothbrush because I still remember the old cemetary we went to that the guide book said that most of the children that died during that time died from infections that could have been prevented if they'd had a toothbrush.

I also tried to remember the 10-10-10 rule. When I started to get upset, worried or frustrated about something I asked myself, "How will this affect me in 10 minutes? 10 months? 10 years?" That usually helped me put things into perspective.

I don't really have to actively think about doing either of these things anymore because by putting them into practice I gradually changed my outlook on life and now gratitude and serenity are as natural as breathing.

 

[Buckalew11]

Op, I admire you wanting to change.

Minkydog, I admire you for a lot of things about how you handle your life (from what I know from here, of course.) You inspire me and I loved your post above.

I second a grateful journal. I think it should be 5 things that you are grateful for. This really helped me. I remember reading about it in the book, Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I think writing down 5 things is a very good idea. It is easy to think of one thing. And even two things. But 5 things per day makes you DIG DEEPER into your day, into your soul and I think that really helps. I felt this really helped me and am planning on doing it again.

I find scripture to be very helpful in dealing with my anxieties and negativity. The Bible is full of some wonderful verses that are directed towards attitude and worry. One I like is : Proverbs 23:7--"As a Man Thinketh So Is He." When I'm feeling negative or whatever, I really try to be aware of this truth. If negative, worrisome thoughts are running through my head, it comes out--whether words, actions or just the look on my face.

I think walking is really good. To me there is a connection that allows you to move your body and clear your mind, daydream, troubleshoot etc. while walking. Positive thinking towards the exercise and what it will do to the body you were given is key. I usually dread exercise and have to think of it in a different light. Those endorphins are some really good stuff.

 

[dicar123]

I've been working on this type of thing myself. I think I more than likely do have chemical imbalance issues, but taking medication makes me really uncomfortable. So, I've been trying to do what I can without meds.

For me, the negative thoughts and worry seem to be partly habit and I have been able to modify that quite a bit. The trick is to catch yourself immediately after the negative, and in my case, almost never true, thought.

So, my husband leaves his underwear on the floor and I pick it up and immediately think he is a horrible, selfish man who thinks I'm his slave. He ALWAYS does whatever he wants and here I am cleaning up after him, blah, blah, blah. Stop it, immediately! This is the very same husband who cleans the snow off my car before I go to work so I don't have to. He cooks dinner 90% of the time. Really, he's a pretty great husband who leaves his underwear on the floor. Oh well.

In addition to combating the negative thoughts, I try to remember to be grateful. I try to remember to thank God regularly. Thank you for bringing my family home safely. Thank you for the wonderful dinner I didn't have to cook. Thank you for being able to shrug off the nasty customer I just had.

Third, I have a lot of trouble with run-away thoughts, also known as worrying. Sometimes I just can't stop them by distracting myself, arguing with myself just perpetuates it, going back and forth. Usually, this happens at bedtime. At those times, I repeat, endlessly, The Lord's Prayer.

It's repetitive enough that it isn't hard, but it takes some degree of concentration. Any poem or song that you know well would work, I think. But the trick is that you stop perpetuating the thoughts by actively thinking about something else that is contained, that has an ending point. If I start thinking about vacation or something, I'll spend all night worrying over something there. I'm usually asleep before long.

Good luck! It is hard work to change, but I really do feel more positive and less a victim of my thoughts.