How Long Should You Be "Responsible" for Your Adult Children?

[MIGrandma]

Our son is 33 years old. He has been on his own since he was 18. He has lousy credit. He pays what he has to (electricity so it won't get shut off, his cell phone so it won't get shut off, etc.) but is so irresponsible with his other bills. I have no idea where he learned his lack of bill paying etiquette. We have always paid our bills first, and on time. Or if we couldn't pay a bill in full (like a hospital bill) we called and worked out a payment plan with them. He just doesn't pay them, thinks they will "go away" if he shoves them in a drawer.

We get calls about him sometimes, and I'm really getting tired of telling them he does not live here, he is an adult and is responsible for his own bills. Why do they think it's okay to call and bother us? If he was a minor I could understand. I just don't get it and it's getting tiresome.

 

[Darcy03231]

Our son is 33 years old. He has been on his own since he was 18. He has lousy credit. He pays what he has to (electricity so it won't get shut off, his cell phone so it won't get shut off, etc.) but is so irresponsible with his other bills. I have no idea where he learned his lack of bill paying etiquette. We have always paid our bills first, and on time. Or if we couldn't pay a bill in full (like a hospital bill) we called and worked out a payment plan with them. He just doesn't pay them, thinks they will "go away" if he shoves them in a drawer.

We get calls about him sometimes, and I'm really getting tired of telling them he does not live here, he is an adult and is responsible for his own bills. Why do they think it's okay to call and bother us? If he was a minor I could understand. I just don't get it and it's getting tiresome.

You're getting the calls because at some point in time he was either living with you or listed you as the closest relation on an application. Since the creditors aren't getting through to him they're calling you. If someone calls and asks for him I would tell him he doesn't live there and give them his address and phone number and let him deal with it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yep, I have had calls about my SIL.

Is your number unlisted?
Is this on a cell phone or landline?

If you are getting calls on your landline you can pay for other options to screen calls.

 

[LindaR]

Parents are responsible for their kids until they turn 18! HOWEVER, the examples you set and the rules/guidelines you adhere to WHILE they are growing up......really are the foundation.

If the kids never have rules, break them and suffer consequences, then they will not know (just because they turn 18) how to be responsible. Lead by example.

Now before anyone gets bent out of shape, I do not know the OP. I am not bashing. I answered the OP's question with MY opinion. It has worked for me.

 

[MIGrandma]

You're getting the calls because at some point in time he was either living with you or listed you as the closest relation on an application. Since the creditors aren't getting through to him they're calling you. If someone calls and asks for him I would tell him he doesn't live there and give them his address and phone number and let him deal with it.

We already do that. But I don't like even having to do that. I just wish he would get it through his head that bills need to be paid.

 

[MIGrandma]

Parents are responsible for their kids until they turn 18! HOWEVER, the examples you set and the rules/guidelines you adhere to WHILE they are growing up......really are the foundation.

If the kids never have rules, break them and suffer consequences, then they will not know (just because they turn 18) how to be responsible. Lead by example.

Now before anyone gets bent out of shape, I do not know the OP. I am not bashing. I answered the OP's question with MY opinion. It has worked for me.

Um, excuse me. You say "lead by example" ...did you even read my entire post? I said I had no idea where he got his lack of bill paying etiquette because we have always, always paid our bills on time. And if we couldn't pay a particular bill in full, we would call to make payment arrangements. I guess I really just don't understand your post.

Just because a child grows up with good examples doesn't mean they will have them when they are on their own.

 

[bicker]

"Your children start to leave you on the day that they are born."

Even the best of parents can raise children who exhibit tendencies or characteristics that perhaps they'd be disappointed about or that are otherwise less than optimal, but after age 18, that's all the child's responsibility, totally and exclusively. All parents can or should be expected to do is provide love and emotional support, as best as they are able. Any assistance parents provide after that is within the context of their own discretion, not subject to being second-guessed by the child or anyone else for that matter. Responding to inquiries or interrogatories from the child's creditors with, "That's none of my business. Talk to my child, not to me," is perfectly appropriate and proper. I would go so far as to refuse to provide any additional details: "You've called the wrong number. That person doesn't live here, nor does anyone live here who is responsible for what that person does." That last bit is literally true.

 

[Piecey]

Parents are responsible for their kids until they turn 18! HOWEVER, the examples you set and the rules/guidelines you adhere to WHILE they are growing up......really are the foundation.

If the kids never have rules, break them and suffer consequences, then they will not know (just because they turn 18) how to be responsible. Lead by example.

Now before anyone gets bent out of shape, I do not know the OP. I am not bashing. I answered the OP's question with MY opinion. It has worked for me.

Not bashing you (please don't think I am!) but I don't think that is accurate.

My brother and I grew up with the same parents. My parents are responsible.. they pay their bills, we never had people beating our door down or anything like that.

BUT my brother and I are complete opposites. I pay our (my DH and I) credit cards off monthly. We never carry a balance. I was given 1 car by my parents in high school which I've since traded for a nicer, newer vehicle that WE pay for. I pay our bills on time, every time. I pre-pay things like auto insurance.


My brother has thousands upon thousands of dollars in credit card debt. He refinanced the (2nd) car my parents bought him to pay his credit cards off about 3 years ago and STILL owes on the car and the credit cards. The car doesn't run anymore so my parents gave him another car. He overdrafts his bank accounts pretty regularly. Bills are late because he forgets or doesn't have the money. He lives paycheck to paycheck. Not as extreme as the OP's son....

but my point is, the child does not always reflect the parents.
My brother and I are polar opposites (and I'm 3 years younger) even though we had the same upbringing.

 

[ZuZugal]

Our son is 33 years old. He has been on his own since he was 18. He has lousy credit. He pays what he has to (electricity so it won't get shut off, his cell phone so it won't get shut off, etc.) but is so irresponsible with his other bills. I have no idea where he learned his lack of bill paying etiquette. We have always paid our bills first, and on time. Or if we couldn't pay a bill in full (like a hospital bill) we called and worked out a payment plan with them. He just doesn't pay them, thinks they will "go away" if he shoves them in a drawer.

We get calls about him sometimes, and I'm really getting tired of telling them he does not live here, he is an adult and is responsible for his own bills. Why do they think it's okay to call and bother us? If he was a minor I could understand. I just don't get it and it's getting tiresome.

I can imagine your frustration. The most you can do as a parent is provide a stable, loving environment. I tell my kids all of the time "YOU WILL NOT TURN 18 AND MAGICALLY KNOW HOW TO LIVE AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT. IT HAS TO HAPPEN GRADUALLY OVER TIME!"

I'm sure you have done your best. Ignore the posters who "guess" otherwise. Reply to the callers with "that individual does not live here and we have no further information about him". If you don't budge from that response I don't think there will be much they can do.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We already do that. But I don't like even having to do that. I just wish he would get it through his head that bills need to be paid.

OP as much as you hope it finally sinks in, you have to accept that this is the person he is now.

If you are getting lots of calls and you have reached your limit so to speak, find ways to save your sanity by screening, becoming unlisted, etc...

And then additionally if he discussing how "bad" things are to you, redirect the conversation and say I don't want to hear about it. Or if he is not doing that I suggest you do not ask about his finances.

I guess the phrase "ignorance is bliss" would apply here if that makes sense to you.

 

[bicker]

I tell my kids all of the time "YOU WILL NOT TURN 18 AND MAGICALLY KNOW HOW TO LIVE AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT. IT HAS TO HAPPEN GRADUALLY OVER TIME!"

This is a great point, though it cuts both ways, to some extent: The fact that it happens gradually over time means that, given that its "official" at age 18, the process should start long before that. Given the consequences of the alternative, most of the most important "training" needs to take place beforehand. (Not that that places any additional obligation on anyone to do any better than the best they can, of course.)

I'm sure you have done your best. Ignore the posters who "guess" otherwise. Reply to the callers with "that individual does not live here and we have no further information about him". If you don't budge from that response I don't think there will be much they can do.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Some children are a reflection of their parents.

Some children are a reaction to their parents.

 

[ZuZugal]

This is a great point, though it cuts both ways, to some extent: The fact that it happens gradually over time means that, given that its "official" at age 18, the process should start long before that. Given the consequences of the alternative, most of the most important "training" needs to take place beforehand. (Not that that places any additional obligation on anyone to do any better than the best they can, of course.)

I agree. Bolding by me. When my kids don't understand why I am teaching them something, or why I expect something, or why they must perform a task, it all falls under "this is a gradual process. You need to know how to do this later in life/you need to be able to perform this task on your own later in life."

ie. I expect my children to keep their own calendars. I keep a family calendar, but my getting-older-by-the-day brain just can't remember everything. I expect them to know when they have an appt, when they have a game, when they have a lesson, etc. and plan for it ahead. "Will I need to leave school early, will I need a uniform, will I need a snack?"

 

[olena]

Under federal law, you do have rights regarding how collectors contact you and what those parameters are for doing so.

http://www.pueblo.gsa.gov/cic_text/money/fair-debt/fair-dbt.htm

However you choose to address the issues with your DS, you can do something about being contacted yourself.

Here's a good drop dead letter:
http://clarkhoward.com/topics/drop_dead_letter.html

We've had problems in the past with someone with DH's name being a total deadbeat. We had to use this letter a few times to tell collectors that DH was not the debtor they sought, that we owed them nothing and to cease contacting us. It worked like a charm.

 

[Acklander]

to the OP, He is who he is. It's not a reflection of you and it's not your responsibility.

 

[DizBelle]

Um, excuse me. You say "lead by example" ...did you even read my entire post? I said I had no idea where he got his lack of bill paying etiquette because we have always, always paid our bills on time. And if we couldn't pay a particular bill in full, we would call to make payment arrangements. I guess I really just don't understand your post.

Just because a child grows up with good examples doesn't mean they will have them when they are on their own.

I don't think they were making a statement about you spefically but a general statement.

Children brought up with good examples are more likely to live by those examples. But, of course, there is no guarantee.

 

[barkley]

Not bashing you (please don't think I am!) but I don't think that is accurate.

My brother and I grew up with the same parents. My parents are responsible.. they pay their bills, we never had people beating our door down or anything like that.

BUT my brother and I are complete opposites. I pay our (my DH and I) credit cards off monthly. We never carry a balance. I was given 1 car by my parents in high school which I've since traded for a nicer, newer vehicle that WE pay for. I pay our bills on time, every time. I pre-pay things like auto insurance.


My brother has thousands upon thousands of dollars in credit card debt. He refinanced the (2nd) car my parents bought him to pay his credit cards off about 3 years ago and STILL owes on the car and the credit cards. The car doesn't run anymore so my parents gave him another car. He overdrafts his bank accounts pretty regularly. Bills are late because he forgets or doesn't have the money. He lives paycheck to paycheck. Not as extreme as the OP's son....

but my point is, the child does not always reflect the parents.
My brother and I are polar opposites (and I'm 3 years younger) even though we had the same upbringing.

just curious-was your brother irresponsible as a kid/teen? did you hear the arguments over it-or overhear your parent's complaints and discussions over it (when he was'nt around)?

reason i ask is i'm the youngest in my family, and totaly different than my brother $$$ wise. i am convinced that one of the reasons i'm the way i am is because i saw/heard the stuff my brother put my parents through. it reinforced in me the practices i had seen from my parents but it also made me certain that i never wanted them to have the opinion of me that i knew they had of my brother when it came to money.

btw-i suspect you had a bit different upbringing just based on your appropriate behaviour-you by virtue of taking care of your financial obligations were never taught by your parents what your brother by his lack of responsibility was/appears to continue to be taught-mom and dad will bail him out financialy time after time (you said he was on car #3 that they've purchased).

 

[SeaSpray]

Sorry, posted in this thread instead of starting a new one!! lol