How do you tell someone you no longer want to get married??

[Tess26]

Help me out folks ... how do you tell someone that you said "yes" to, that you don't want to get married anymore?

Tess

 

[monkeyboy]

 

[snoopy]

Uhhh, by telling him honestly and without hint or inneundo. Might sting more right off the bat, but its most definately better than leading someone to believe there is hope if there isn't.

 

[Bob Slydell]

Very carefully??

Whatever the way -- just make sure you do it sooner rather than later. If you're that sure about it, he deserves the truth and not to be lead down a path that's sure to crush him.

 

[RitaZ.]

Be honest about your feelings.

 

[CEDmom]

I'm sorry for your situation. Before you tell the other person have you given yourself the opportunity to explore why your feelings have changed. Did something happen? I think you need to discuss your change of heart with your fiance. If nothing can be done to make you feel differently then you just have to be honest and move on as best you can.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Tell him honestly and make it clear.

I married someone who brainwashed me, literally had me near suicide with his lies and the way he made me think he was my last resort (at age 22!). 3 weeks later, we had it annulled after a counselor told me to get away that night (of our first counseling session) before I got killed.

I never though it was possible for me to fall victim to emotional (and physical) abuse but I did.

And I left. But The justice system in this country sucks. I wound up having to pay HIM for emotional distress (he's a good bs artist). Lucky for me, due to a snafu in the paperwork, I no longer have to give him $$. But he damn near ruined my life. A 3 week marriage took a year and thousands of dollars to end.

I will never get married again.

I live with my long time boyfriend now and we plan to stay that way , just living together until we see fit to split up.

Tell him the truth. You'll be much happier you ended it now, than if you go through with it and want to leave later.

 

[TigerBear]

Somehow you find the courage and just tell him. I completely admire you for making this decision if you believe that you are not right for each other. Of course having some doubts is probably normal, but I think if more people would listen to their gut there would be less unhappy marriages. It is sooo much better to make this decision prior to the wedding. Good luck to both of you.

 

[Tess26]

He asked me to get married and I said yes, and only after I had already said yes did he tell me that he accepted a job position in another state and that we would have to relocate.

Originally, I said okay. But the more that time has passed, I realize that I am happy right where I am. My family is here, my friends are here ... I have forged wonderful relationships with wonderful people and am just not ready to give that up.

 

[Serena]

Welcome to the boards Tess, or do we already know you?

If you are already married, you owe it to yourself and him to figure out what changed the feelings, if you don't already know.

If you do know, and it's way past any chance of staying in the marriage, then as gently as you can, tell him. But tell him in private, some time when you two have a chance to talk. But be honest, if there is no hope, don't try to give him any. It just confuses everyone. It won't be easy, either the telling or the watching him react.

hang in there

*I just saw your next post. You are very smart. I'm glad you have been thinking and don't want to make a mistake. Tell your fiance the truth. It's gonna hurt both of you, but this will be better in the long run for both of you.
But I wouldn't give up on each other, if you love each other, and I'm hoping you wouldn't have said yes in the first place if you didn't. There is still hope that one day you two will see your way back to each other and maybe it'll work then.

 

[TigerBear]

If those relationships are more important to you than your relationship with him, than I think you are definitely doing the right thing by not marrying him.

 

[Maleficent13]

Tess26, this doesn't sound like something that couldn't be fixed. Have you talked to him about it? Maybe he would be willing to not relocate, if you tell him how you feel?

I might also ask him why he waited until after you accepted to tell you about the relocation. Sounds like he might have anticipated your doubts about moving. So this may not come as a total shock to him.

 

[ripleysmom]

Tess, my SIL got married to a man that took a job in CA shortly before they got married. She has been unhappy for a very long time because of it.

If you even have to ask the question about whether you would be happy then I'm thinking that that is your answer.

 

[TigerBear]

I also see it as a major warning sign that he accepted this job offer without discussing it with you. If you want a true partnership, it doesn't seem like you would have it with him.

 

[Tess26]

I don't want to make it sound as though my relationship with him is not important to me because I do indeed love him a great deal.

But the life that I have built here is very important to me. I was in a very abusive relationship until about 6 years ago. It took me a very long time to rebuild my life and learn how to trust. Now that I have finally done those things, and forged relationships with wonderful friends, and being so close to my family ... I just do not feel ready to leave.

It also does bother me that he waited until after my acceptance to let me know fo the relocating issue. I feel almost ... manipulated ... decieved ...

Thank you to all who have posted so far to this ... it's wonderful to know that people care enough about someone they don't know to offer an opinion and sound advice.

 

[luv2nascar]

I would think if you are close enough for him to ask you to marry him he would have asked you about the out of state job before accepting it
not saying he shouldn't go but he could have discussed it with you and how it would impact your relationship
I would end the engagement and talk about the relationship with him
you aren't going to move so don't prolong the agony

 

[TigerBear]

(((Big Hugs))) - I'm sure this isn't easy on you.

 

[Lynn CC]

I would just let him know how you feel, I would take him out to dinner and discuss it there(in a public place)...tempers are less tempted in public places!
I think it's great that you came to this decision before the wedding. A lot of people would move and be unhappy.
Who knows maybe he will stay with you, if he does then you are the lucky one!
If he doesn't, well then his job is more important right now and your doing the right thing for you.
{HUGS}

 

[CEDmom]

A few years ago a coworker called off her wedding 2 days before because she just couldn't handle all the changes. Like you her fiance had taken a job that would require her to move away from her family and friends. Although it was really hard at the time she did what she felt was right in her heart. She's now married to someone else and has a baby.

If you cannot resolve this issue so that both of you are happy w/o resentment than I'd say you're best to decline his proposal as compassionately as you can.

 

[mrsv98]

When I was younger, a good friend and I were talking about marriage and I asked her how she knew her DH was "it". She told me she would follow him to the ends of the Earth. When I met my DH I instantly understood. If he said he needed a change, I would pack us all up and go.

My point is, if you don't feel like this, then you need to tell him. It will be hard, it will hurt both of you, but in the long run, it is for the best.

Also, I do feel like there is a bit of manipulation in the fact that he proposed while knowing about the job and didn't tell you until after. That would be a red flag in my book.

and good luck.